I kicked AH out this week

Old 12-13-2008, 10:41 AM
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I kicked AH out this week

Hi everyone I'm new here. I've been involved with an alcoholic for 8 years now, we have been married for 3. I just finally got fed up with everything. Not just him being a alcoholic, everything that goes along with it. I just wanted to introduce myself and I'm trying to be really strong. I'm 33 and him 27 we have 2 beautiful kids, 5 & 7 years old. I don't think the reality has set in for him yet. He's in the the ...if I be nice enough and tell her whatever she wants to hear she'll take me back stage" Makes me want to puke and at the same time you wish they meant it but you know deep down they don't.

Courtney
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Old 12-13-2008, 11:10 AM
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Welcome, this place is great, its gotten me through alot of rough patches, everyone is great here!

Its a tough decision to finally break free of all the "issues" with an alcoholic, I hope everything works out for you!

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Old 12-13-2008, 12:03 PM
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Welcome to our corner of the universe. It's a good place. Please take some time to read the stickies posted at the top of our board. I think you'll find a good deal of useful information there.

I hope we can offer our ES&H that will help you along the challenging journey. Please let us know more about you and your situation when you feel like it.
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Old 12-13-2008, 02:19 PM
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I kicked AH out this week.
I like the sound of that. It means a whole new life is in store for whomever mutters that phrase. Take it from me, it's a good thing even if it doesn't feel like it yet. Welcome. Make yourself at home.
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Old 12-13-2008, 06:26 PM
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I knew he had a drinking problem when we first met. He was only 18. I got pregnant 2 weeks after we met. I dumped him 2 months later because of drug and alcohol abuse. I din't see or speak to him until my son was 7 months old. We got back together and it was pure hell!! He was still drinking and doing drugs. I suffered from emotional and verbal abuse and if I had stayed probably physical abuse. I became pregnant with my daughter and left him when I was 4 months pregnant. Getting away from him was hard...had to get restraining order and then filed stalking charges agaist him. He was unable to see the children for 1 year because DFACS got involved. I NEVER in my life thought I would get back with him. He started seeing the children again and I could tell he had changed alot. He had a steady job for almost a year, was not drugging anymore but still drinking (not heavily). We wre engaged for a year before we got married, he did well. Drank only occassionally and it wasn't an issue or allowed in my house. After we got married it changed, he changed. The last 2 years have been bad. He doesn't verbally abuse me anymore but the drinking has taking over our lives. He drinks almost a 12 pack a night. He pisses in the bed and floor and doesn't know it. Everything we do revolves around his drinking schedule (4pm). He's been gone 3 days now. I'm still numb. I do love him and wish he was different but have come to realize I can't help him. Only he can. My kids are what breaks my heart...I'm crying as I write this because I had to explain to my 5 and 7 year old that Daddy isn't going to live here anymore and I can tell the kids are upset. Then I have him using the kids to get to me. I turned my phones off tonight cause I'm mentally exhausted and I'm so afraid that i might let him come back and I know he is just manipulating me again. It seems the longer I've been with him the harder it is to let go. I cAn for sure say I've given him plenty of chances. Thankls to everyone for listening. I honestly didn't think I would feel so bad about this. I was so looking forward to him leaving. I guess it will take some time.

Courtney
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Old 12-13-2008, 07:27 PM
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i know how you feel, i took my xah back after some horrible things he did, i guess i always had hope that he would change or get better, but all it did was get worse and worse, its a tough cycle to get out of because its so easy to fall for their charms and end up right back in the situation

i can only imagine what your going through as far as your kids go, my son is only 5 weeks old and only met his father twice, it has to be so hard to see your children hurt, that was one of the main reasons for cutting contact with my xah, cause one day my son will be old enough to understand what is going on

isnt it crazy how nasty they get with peeing in the bed, my xah woke up one night and walked to the window blinds and just started peeing in the floor, course he found it funny the next day, i think i would have killed him if he would have peed in the bed with me

i know its hard right now but kicking him out was probably the best thing you did, its tough, i wanted my xah gone so bad some times but when he would run off it drove me crazy, i developed selective memory and only remembered the good and totally forgot the bad until he came back and then it brought it all back, he never changed he only became worse, and if you take him back then thats probably what will happen , it will only get worse unless he makes the choice to get sober, my xah is in rehab but i still dont want anything to do with him, even if he becomes a saint i dont want him back in my life, ive been through enough and i refuse to let him hurt my son

all i can say is keep coming back and read those stickies at the top, they make alot of sense and really helped me
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Old 12-14-2008, 02:02 AM
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it is very tough. i took mine back about 25 times. finally figured some things out. wish i would have stuck to it the first time and saved myself, family, and friends alot of pain and hardships.

sounds like your gut is telling you what you need to do. my problem was that i kept following my heart instead of my head.

keep posting and reading.....there is a wealth of experience on this forum and many wonderful people who have been, or are in, you shoes. damn shoes.
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Old 12-14-2008, 06:07 AM
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From some one who want to escape... your so lucky! I think it's so wonderful... your finally free... to me it's worth more then gold!

Good luck to you and the children!!!

HUGS!
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Old 12-14-2008, 08:21 AM
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Welcome to SR.... So glad that your here and willing to share with us.

I hate it when they use the kids (of course today I hate that I did in my way too).... and I dont know if this is going to help you or scare you... but I can only share my experience.

When I left my "first" alcoholic husband... (yes first, and I will explain) and he knew I was serious he did everything and I do mean everything in his power to make my life a living hell.... he did not want to loose his enablier and would move heaven and earth to keep me in place... including using our 2 year of daughter for his purpose. It go alot worse before it got better and to be quite honest, today I believe that is my fault as well. However then I did the best I could with what I knew to do. There was one night that he brought my daughter home (it seems alcoholism was not a reason for the court to refuse visitation then) and explained to my 2 1/2 year old that he did not know if he would ever see her again because her Mother would not come home and would keep our family apart. After I got her and shut the door and locked it he stood on the other side pounding and crying ... calling my daughters name. She in turn threw herself against the door, hurting herself but not caring, and layed on the floor trying to peek out the space in the bottom crying... this "challenging moment" last 2 hours.

Now there are many things I "could" have done, called the police, restraining order etc... but at that time I did not for soooo many reasons. If there is any part of my experience I can share to help you with this transistion.... It would be to "PLEASE" get a support group. I would strongely suggest Alanon, but anything is better then nothing.... Church Group, Abused Women Group (yes your abused) etc. The reason I suggest Al-anon so much is because what your going to learn there and the support you are going to receive is going to change your life if you let it.

Remember I said my "first" Alcoholic Husband. I have had many many alcoholic relationships before and after that first one.... Today I believe that if I had stayed in Al-anon when I was first lead to it... I would not have had to repeat that lesson so many times. There is a reason Im attracted to Alcoholic or unhealthy men and I had to do alot of growing and changing before I was ready to be in a healthy relationship.

I wish you only the very best.... and look forward to getting to know you better. There are some really good books out there that can help... Co-dependence no more is a great start. Check out the list of them up top.
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Old 12-15-2008, 07:43 AM
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When my exH and I split it was a very tough transition. My boys were little, 3 and 7, and there was some acting out and sadness and all that you would expect.

I went to the library and got every book written about divorce & kids. It was actually reassuring because I saw that much of how this experience went for my kids was in my control. I could control my behavior and attitude toward ex. I could control my behavior and attitude toward my children. I could make our life warm, fun, smoothly organized and with a predictable daily routine etc. I could send my kids the very strong message that this was hard, yes, but it was NOT the worst thing that could happen to us. Because we still had the love of each other and life to live!

I first had to get grateful about all that we DID have.

My ex was too lazy to actively use the children and he does have some form of decency which I called on. But he was a person I could not be married to and can never rely on - and he lets the children down repeatedly to this day - so I always tell my kids - without bad-mouthing Dad, that I can see there are things with Dad that are hard to deal with and I am always here to talk about whatever they want to talk about. They've said things over the years- but I've also never blamed every glitch in their behavior on the divorce. My kids need to be themselves and make mistakes and take responsibility for their mistakes - not "blame" the divorce as an automatic response....

Anyway I've been divorced a long time- and yes that first year especially was a messy one emotionally - how could it NOT be? Just stay the course- have a little plan for yourself and every few days or months you will hopefully begin to appreciate the good life that you can make. I am grateful I got out at 7 years and hadn't allowed the unhealthy dynamic in my marriage to just crush me completely.

I also got myself into therapy - I found a low-cost clinic. That weekly meeting was a lifesaver and kept me on track.

Peace courage-
B.
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Old 12-15-2008, 10:27 AM
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(((Courtney))) You've taken a very big step. Stay strong! I know it's hard- I am in the same boat with one dd and a STBXAH whom I am learning how to live without. It's been a year and a half since he left, and I can tell you it is getting better. It was so emotionally hard in the first year- a lot of crying, journaling and talking to some good friends and a great counselor have helped me through it. I had always felt it was better to stay with my STBXAH for dd's sake- until I thought about what I needed- an engaged, equal, loving partner- not the belligerent, impatient, lying, manipulative man I was living with. It was not a healthy marriage to model for dd. She lives with me, and we enjoy our time together so much more. I make an effort to focus on me and on what she needs. I don't badmouth STBXAH with her, and have always told her I am here to listen. She is sad, but I believe she is also thriving from my full attention, and I am getting healthier every day- she needs that. While I was with STBXAH I was as sick as he was- stressed out, frustrated, angry, tired and impatient. My life feels more peaceful now. It's still hard and sad at times, but I know I am much better off. My advice is to be patient with yourself. Al-anon meetings have helped me, counseling, this forum, good friends and family. Good luck!
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Old 12-16-2008, 12:31 PM
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Good for you, for making the care of yourself and your kids the priority.

He may come to see that he wants his life back as he knew it. But only if the pain is so great that he is willing to do the work to change.

Doing the work to make your own life better, is all you can do.

The addict in my life caused me so much pain that I sought my own recovery through
al-anon, therapy and other spiritual paths. regardless of what goes on with him,
my life is full, blessed and I know a better way to live and relate to others now.
I know where the best place for my focus is...on myself.
I take my own inventory and let others
do the same...or not.

I know this is tough for you and the kids. Hang in there mom.
Don't be afraid to stick close to a support system and ask for help as you need it.
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