don't know how to help
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: cincinnati, ohio
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don't know how to help
I just found out this week my daughter is a drug addict, I don't know what to do to help. She is in a rehab center now and I need advice on how I can help her get through this once she is out of rehab.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
My daughter is a 21 year old recovering drug addict. What I did was learn everything I could about her disease, her drug of choice (opiates), and then got myself into therapy with an addiction therapist. The perspective I've received from the other side has been priceless. I also attend AlAnon meetings and work the 12 steps every day. By doing all of that I have learned how to support her recovery and stop enabling her addiction.
My prayers are with you as you make this journey. It's lifelong as with any chronic disease but I've learned it doesn't have to be debilitating for me.
My prayers are with you as you make this journey. It's lifelong as with any chronic disease but I've learned it doesn't have to be debilitating for me.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: US
Posts: 49
I am so sorry to hear that, I really am.
I am personally well acquainted with addiction, I use to use many things to cope with daily living. I know have the pleasure of counseling those in similiar life circumstances. I have many teens and young adults that I am blessed to be apart of their lives on a weekly basis.There is hope!
I am sure your daughter is very unique in who she is, and her story as well. What I find to be the number one thing to do is, help these girls find their voice. Obviously she has pain inside she was trying to bury. Her pain needs a voice, so she does not have the constant need to silence it( i.e drugs,relationships,cutting,over achieving etc.).
As a parent I realize hearing your children express negative feelings about their childhood is sooo difficult. Nobody wants to fail their children, not ever. But if you can step outside of you, and listen to what life has been like for her, you can help transform her life. And even if you are the best mom you can be, at first she may find it easier to open up w/someone else. I would encourage this. I might even go interviewing different Counselors and find someone you think would be good for your daughter, or give her the option to choose someone herself. Maybe she connected with a staff member at rehab, that would be wonderful. Help foster that relationship.If you want to be apart of her healing you will be asked to join in, and sooner than you may think.
Just the fact you are asking how you can help her makes me so happy for her! There are not enough good moms out there. Also, make sure to take good care of you. A healthy mom is the best gift to any daughter!
I am personally well acquainted with addiction, I use to use many things to cope with daily living. I know have the pleasure of counseling those in similiar life circumstances. I have many teens and young adults that I am blessed to be apart of their lives on a weekly basis.There is hope!
I am sure your daughter is very unique in who she is, and her story as well. What I find to be the number one thing to do is, help these girls find their voice. Obviously she has pain inside she was trying to bury. Her pain needs a voice, so she does not have the constant need to silence it( i.e drugs,relationships,cutting,over achieving etc.).
As a parent I realize hearing your children express negative feelings about their childhood is sooo difficult. Nobody wants to fail their children, not ever. But if you can step outside of you, and listen to what life has been like for her, you can help transform her life. And even if you are the best mom you can be, at first she may find it easier to open up w/someone else. I would encourage this. I might even go interviewing different Counselors and find someone you think would be good for your daughter, or give her the option to choose someone herself. Maybe she connected with a staff member at rehab, that would be wonderful. Help foster that relationship.If you want to be apart of her healing you will be asked to join in, and sooner than you may think.
Just the fact you are asking how you can help her makes me so happy for her! There are not enough good moms out there. Also, make sure to take good care of you. A healthy mom is the best gift to any daughter!
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
Although I agree with Fluer in most of what she said. I will offer a word a caution in addition to her advice- be very careful that when you go down the path of discovery that you do not become a target of your daughter. Too often in therapy the addict will latch onto blaming someone in their life - usually its the softest target they can find. A mother is a very soft target.
My son early on identified me as the target. Bottom line is he used because he wanted to party. Yes he has had pain that he is not addressing and needs to. No i'm not perfect. We all can work on our relationships but in the end its not the pain he's had but how he chose to deal with the pain. There are also some people that just like to party.
Many of us here are pretty classic co-dependant personalities and the first mistakes we make were thinking that something we did caused the problem in our loved one and that because its our fault, we can actually fix them. I just wanted to make sure that you heard that there is a line there that you should watch. We're all pretty fragile when we first learn of our loved one being dependant so get yourself some counseling before you even try to do anything for her.
My son early on identified me as the target. Bottom line is he used because he wanted to party. Yes he has had pain that he is not addressing and needs to. No i'm not perfect. We all can work on our relationships but in the end its not the pain he's had but how he chose to deal with the pain. There are also some people that just like to party.
Many of us here are pretty classic co-dependant personalities and the first mistakes we make were thinking that something we did caused the problem in our loved one and that because its our fault, we can actually fix them. I just wanted to make sure that you heard that there is a line there that you should watch. We're all pretty fragile when we first learn of our loved one being dependant so get yourself some counseling before you even try to do anything for her.
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Welcome to SR. My daughter is an opiate addict, currently clean for 6 months. What I found most helpful in supporting her was to take care of me. I go to meetings and post on here. I let my daughter take care of her recovery. She went to rehab and 2 months in a halfway house. When she came home our rules were get a job, treat us with respect and no using. She decided to experiment with alcohol and we asked her to leave. She is living in an apartment, working fulltime, paying her bills and going to counseling and meetings. I stay out of her recovery. She has the right to live her life the way she wants. I have the right to say no to helping her, but I tell her everyday that I love her and always will. Hugs, Marle
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by marle 
Welcome to SR. My daughter is an opiate addict, currently clean for 6 months. What I found most helpful in supporting her was to take care of me. I go to meetings and post on here. I let my daughter take care of her recovery. She went to rehab and 2 months in a halfway house. When she came home our rules were get a job, treat us with respect and no using. She decided to experiment with alcohol and we asked her to leave. She is living in an apartment, working fulltime, paying her bills and going to counseling and meetings. I stay out of her recovery. She has the right to live her life the way she wants. I have the right to say no to helping her, but I tell her everyday that I love her and always will. Hugs, Marle
The best support that we can be is to take care of ourselves, as Marle said. Even though I knew all about enabling, I got caught up in enabling my oldest daughter because my grandchildren were involved.
It's hard as a mother not to want to fix things or to take away any uncomfortable feelings for our kids. For me, it was essential to learn a 'hands off' approach.
Today I allow my daughter to feel the consequences of her choices, right and wrong.
Welcome to SR, and please keep posting! :ghug :ghug
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: dallas texas
Posts: 1,629
welcome to sr, I too have an AD. she is clean 6months, going to school and taking care of baby she became pregnant with while out there.
Advise? pray, learn, listen and talk. Don't isolate, it only hurts you more.
keep reading and coming back, it really does help. This forum helped saved my life!
prayers,
susan
Advise? pray, learn, listen and talk. Don't isolate, it only hurts you more.
keep reading and coming back, it really does help. This forum helped saved my life!
prayers,
susan
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: US
Posts: 49
I just want to clarify that I in no way am suggesting you enable your daughter's addiction. I can see how some may have felt alarmed by all of my suggestions on how to help her. However, this was the question, and a good one I think. With this situation, at this time,it is perfectly appropriate to offer those things and more. You have just discovered this. Your daughter has not yet done anything to warrant any other response. She may become defiant, I don't know, neither do you. I pray she embraces her recovery with your help. If she does not, that is another question on its own. She is currently however doing the right thing being in rehab. I hope she does the next right thing.
Most of my family has chosen addiction as a way of life. It is a very tragic and real reality for me. I know all about enabling ,and the struggle to release those you love dearly, to themselves. I really don't think that is the case here as of yet, and hopefully never will be.
I hate how so many of us have been hurt by addiction. The wounds run so deep. I don't know why my brother chose drugs ,and did not find his way out. I don't know why I wouldn't stop fighting until I did get out. Choice is everything. I am glad when I chose help that people were there to meet me. I am forever heartbroken that my brother chose differently. I no longer have a brother in this life, I hope I see him again in the next.
Most of my family has chosen addiction as a way of life. It is a very tragic and real reality for me. I know all about enabling ,and the struggle to release those you love dearly, to themselves. I really don't think that is the case here as of yet, and hopefully never will be.
I hate how so many of us have been hurt by addiction. The wounds run so deep. I don't know why my brother chose drugs ,and did not find his way out. I don't know why I wouldn't stop fighting until I did get out. Choice is everything. I am glad when I chose help that people were there to meet me. I am forever heartbroken that my brother chose differently. I no longer have a brother in this life, I hope I see him again in the next.
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