monkey1

Hey All - Geez, last week I was saying how much my life is not unmanagable (and what I said was true, I function and laugh and have fun) but now I am I am feeling severely agitated tonight and don't know why. I can't get comfortable or relax. I am physically escalated, heavy heart beat, clenching jaw and muscles - just want to go run in to a wall or something. I just keep visualizing cutting myself...but I won't. I am not sober.

I think a lot has to do with the anxiety over the decisions I've been making in the past week. I have finally found a counselor but will not see her until after the first of he new year and thanks to some SR responses (thank you) previously and maybe a glimmer of common sense, am thinking about going to detox at some point thereafter. I have an appointment with the Dr. that wanted me to go to the ER last week coming up on Monday and have no idea what she expects to have changed; but, honestly, I've only gotten worse.. I think on purpose. I am trying to force myself into detox by escalating to the point that there is no other option. I feel insane! I have a bottle of Darvocet in the cabinet and want to add it in to the mix, but have been successful in not going there so far. I don't know why I can't just make the decision and do it NOW. I'll tell her that now because I opened myself up to being honest with her last week and to save my life I can't turn back now.

Just background - I've been drinking 'alcoholicly' for 24 years and daily for about 10 (vodka/whiskey for most of it and then switched to just beer about 5 years ago - yeah, cause that'll fix it - lol). I had 3 years sober in my early 20s, where did that go???? A few years of abusing painkillers thrown in there somewhere. I'm a little OCD and I think that contributes to the problem.. routines are routines... they MUST be completed.

Just had to vent and maybe writing it will make it real and I don't know... I just am having a hell of a time fixing myself.

Rowan

I do hope you decide to get sober - you deserve to get well.

I'm glad you came here and vented. Please stay safe.

gravity

Just wishing you the best. You don't have to live like this. Detox, Doctors, counsellors, AA...all willing to help you.

Takes effort and time but I really do believe that everyone can have a good life. Take care.

jh1

i feel ya. Im going through some annoying withdrawals right now after a huge 4 day blackout binge where i honestly couldn't count how much I had. Its only been like 2.5 days so far. I think after 4 days ill start to feel better because after gnarly bingers i usually can take days completely off....the hard thing for me will be when i reach 5 days and up off. I have no idea what to expect after that because ive rarely gone more than 5 off the last 8 years. Anyways, i wish you a lot of luck-this will not be easy-i think we both know that. But even coming on a site like this has already helped me and i think itll help you too. Just hang tough.

Pam08

:ghug2Stay strong and do not be afraid to get the medical help you need for the initial detoxing stage. You can get meds to help. Then the work starts..this forum, rehab..and best yet AA..and the desire to stop , you can make it. Just remember it can only get better, your already at the worst part..

CarolD

Typical of so many nights I had as a drinker.


I do hope you find your way into health and joy.
You deserve to be the best you can be

Take care of yourself...the life you save...is your own.

least

Please stay safe. And do see your doctor about a medical detox. Once you are free of the physical addiction you can work on the mental addiction. It will take a lot of work and sacrifice, but it's so worth the effort. Just take it one day at a time and keep yourself safe. You deserve a good healthy life. Please work on getting yourself detoxed and safe, and give AA a good try. Lots of good experience strength and hope there. It really helped me when I was very newly sober.

You CAN do this but you've 'gotta wanna'. :ghug3

monkey1

Thanks Rowan, gravity, jh1, Pam, Carol and least... I really do appreciate the responses/advice.

I think I've stopped bargaining with myself. I will inquire about medical detox when I see my dr Monday night. It will be a few weeks out at least as I can't get the time off work until then, but it has to be soon. As stupid and fed up and tired as I am I don't really want to die yet- and I think that is the road I'm on considering the health issues I do have and the added stress drinking puts on my system (and that voice that tells me to drive into the guardrail).

I do "wanna"

AA will likely not be the route for me. I started AA where I am now (geographically) and it became too trying and dramatic. It was great when I moved away and went to meetings... the best time of my life probably so far, those were some great meetings. I'd be back there in a heartbeat. But now I'm back in my old neighborhood with the same drama meetings, same people.. not healthy.

My wife has agreed to join me in this adventure. We've talked and set up a counselor for her as well. I don't know if she will go the medical detox route, she doesn't seem to have any physical withdrawal symptoms like I do, but I'm afraid that she won't stick to quitting without that helpful cleaning-out start. We'll see where it all goes. But it seems we are pulling together a plan... and that gives me hope.

Thanks, to everyone on SR, for being here and sharing your experience, wisdom and kind words.

monkey1

Hey Phal, thanks! and glad those two little gifts got you thinking. Wherever strength comes from, you deserve to be well - we all do.