HelpChaBoy

Hey guys and gals...

I'm kind of new around here. I'm here for my mother. I love her a lot, but her drinking has spiraled out of control. Ever since I could remember, she liked downing wine. Maybe once a month would she go to bed sober. As a kid, I remember her drinking wine in the car ("disguised" in soda cans) and not being able to wake her up when she would pass out. I grew accustomed to it, because growing up around it led me to believe it was normal... Now I realize that it is far from it.

My father is the exact opposite. He drinks, but I can't think of anyone who drinks more responsibly. I don't think I've ever seen him drunk enough to lose control of his actions (however, I can catch mother on a random night at .37 BAC on a home test... yea scary). He has made an ultimatum to my mother that he will not continue being with her if she keeps drinking. The sad thing is; my mother keeps insisting the relationship is over. She also says that she wants it to last, but it can't. The alcohol has more control over her than her husband of 20 years.

I'm trying to save this thing, with as much will as I can. I'm 16 years old, and love my mother, but her dependence has become ridiculous. She will lie to my face and say that she hasn't had one sip of alcohol (when I can tell she's lying). Just tonight, she promised she would "stay sober (for the marriage)." That was a nice thought... before 5 o'clock, she kept sneaking into her room to drink more. Its 9 o'clock now, and she's passed out.

Tonight... its goin' down XD. I've taken all of her wine (even the fancy ones "for decoration") and have stashed the bottles away. I know this isn't going to fix the problem, but it should help. I never thought such an innocent drink could be so powerful.

Where do I go from here? I think she really loves me and my father. How could we straighten this mess out?

I'm praying for an answer,

Thanks a lot (especially if you read alllll of that ^ junk lol)

MissFixit

HelpChaBoy,

I wish I could offer you words of wisdom. I am so sorry for what you are going through. You don't deserve it.

Parents can sometimes screw things up royally. At least you know how you don't want to act when you are an adult. You sound like a caring son with a big heart. Unfortunately, (in my opinion) your mom needs to be the one to decide whether or not she drinks. What if you write her a sincere letter that she could read when she is sober? Could you talk with your father about your concerns?

I know it is distacting to deal with that at home, but could you try to focus on school, sports and friends? You are so young and have so many wonderful opportunities ahead of you.

HelpChaBoy

Hey Missfixit,

Thanks a lot for your caring reply. My mother is a really nice person. When she's sober, she works a $40 per hour job, and is a very hard worker. I think she may use alcohol as a way to relax and escape from her hectic life

I'm going to try as hard as I can to get her help. I just hope she is willing.

Again, Thanks

PS: I hope to start swimming soon. You'll see me a couple of years swimming in the olympics. I'll be the guy in front of Phelps

embraced2000

hon, there is absolutely nothing you can do to make your mom stop or curtail her drinking. she is sick.

the only thing you can do is to attend al-anon or al-ateen meetings in your area. believe me, you are not alone and everyone there has the same problem....a loved one whose drinking is a problem in the family unit.

hiding bottles won't help. we've all tried it to no avail. pouring it out, diluting it, waving it in her face and lecturing.......none of it works. she is sick.

best of everything to you, and keep posting.....these people on the forum have a wealth of wisdom and experience that can help you.

jeri

Aesakitty

I have been in a similar situation. For many reasons I moved out of my parents house at eighteen. Even then my mother would not admit her addiction. If you check the forum for children of addicts/alcoholics you can read the letter I recently sent to my mother. I think you can say something a lot nicer, but writing a direct letter may be the best way to go. Even my letter had some sort of effect on my mother. She has not sent me a reply (which is very weird for her). So maybe she is getting help, who knows. Even if she does not seek help you need to understand that there is nothing you can actually do to change her or her lifestyle. It may be hard, but if she chooses to destroy her life you can not let it destroy yours.

all4barb

I very much agree that there is not a lot that you can do. I've been in your situation as well, and the best thing for you to do is to first try and understand that she is sick. Alcoholism is a serious serious disease. As embraced said, try to find some meetings in your area that you can go to and have support, and try to learn about her problem to help you better understand it. Offer her support with your love and let her know that you care about her and you are there for her if she needs you. I know that you want her to stop, as does your father, but she may be at a point where she can't "just stop" anymore, and if you guys abandon her she may get worst because she will have more depression and stress to drink away. Just hang in there, have faith, and hopefully things will get better for you.

Bernadette

Hiya Helpchaboy--
Can you try going to an AlAteen meeting?
I grew up with an alcoholic father. I wish I had known about AlAteen when I was your age!
Although my did did finally get sober - it was in a way and on a day when no one would have predicted it - it didn;t follow any crisis- or any of the gazillion fights or ultimatums issued by mom. It was a typical hungover day when, I guess, HE decided HE was done.

Please don't think there is anything love can do to make your mom quit. This disease has nothing to do with love - if love could make people sober none of us would be here on SR!

Work on loving yourself enough to take care of you! It's not easy to accept but
You didn't Cause it
Can't Control it
Can't Cure it.

Peace-
B

embraced2000

also, please try to instill in your mind that whatever she says to you that hurts you, it is not you that she is talking to....it is the disease.

i know that is hard. but it's true. alcholics can say and do the most hateful things, drunk or sober that cuts us to the bone. you are at the age that you can make a choice of making your life much better by not taking her words personally.

SerenityGirl

Sorry for what you are going through with your Mom. It's true there is nothing you can do to make her stop drinking, she has to want to. But you can get support for yourself to help you deal with it, till your Mom is ready to quit. Like it was mentioned you can go to Alanon or alateen where there are others that know what you are going through. There is hope for your family....(hugs)

guiab

Chaboy,
Definitely check out alateen. I once peeked into the website just to see what they offered, and was blown away - if they had only been around when I was dealing with my alcoholic parents.

Sometimes what you think is the best help ends up becoming what is called 'enabling' and makes the disease worse, for both the alcoholic and their family.
You CAN detach from your mom's bad choices and still let her know she is loved.

You could also try to talk to an understanding adult like a teacher, minister, or coach, just to air out your thoughts. It may seem awkward, but you might be surprised at how much teachers want to help, even the tough ones, but the student always has to ask first.

FormerDoormat

I disagree with this. First because it puts undue stress on the friends and family of alcoholics and secondly because alcoholism IS a progressive disease. Left unchecked, it will continue to get worse regardless of what the alcoholic's family members do with their lives.

yeahgr8

Alateen would be such a great way to help your Mum! There you will get support and an understanding of what your Mum is going through.

I also tell you now, and I know anyone who has an ounce of decency in them will agree, that the most important person in this relationship between you and your parents is YOU!

Keep posting as you build on your swimming and defo we all want to be able to read that post when you get accepted for the olympics! I had a friend who's Mum had a great job, sent him to private school the lot and the amount of time he wasted trying to patch up his parents relationship when he was in his teens and early twenties is incalculable only for his Mum to sober up when he was mid twenties and kick his dad into touch!!!

My point is that you can help a lot more by getting better informed and helping protect yourself whilst still being there when you are needed and not being too proactive. My friend would say the same thing...although probably in a lot stronger way! Easy to give that advice but it is your parents and i am not you!

All the best, keep posting as you have friends here who are always ready to listen:-)

Wow i am going to call my friend now i haven't spoken to him in months so i'll tell him what you posted, see what he says!

HelpChaBoy

Wow guys and gals... thanks a lot.

I felt so alone in this whole ordeal. Its nice to see all of the caring people that are here to give me a shoulder to lean on. I'll definitely check out the alateen site also!

So... today my mother tried going to an AA meeting, but said only one person was there, so she left Tomorrow, she goes to her first official one, and its nice to hear how local it is! Its about 3 blocks away, and I live in a town of 5000 people. I guess alcoholism has its niche in corrupting society. lol She needs help as soon as she can get it. Just tonight, she claims to have not been drinking, but as a previous poster pointed out, hiding the bottles isn't foolproof. She claimed to "not even have any alcohol to drink," but i could see she was under the influence. Uhh sucks... and she even hid the breathalyzer, so I can't even test her. She's in a lot deeper than I thought she was But I have faith that we can make it.

Thanks again,
I'll keep you all updated!

drained22

Sorry to say but using her job as a scapegoat for her behavior is useless. its a common tactic used by alcoholics. you'll learn soon enough alcoholic behavior if you do not know by now.
Its a illogical disease.

from what you said, not being able to wake up after she drinks, her constant passing out reminds me of my alcoholic friend.

right now her main priority is getting a drink, I learned really hard that nothing you can do will stop her. if you hide the wine bottles, she'll go out and buy more.

The 3 C's is a regular used line here..

You can't cure it
you didn't cause it
you can't control it.