cessy68

Hi everyone,

Wow, I'm writing today- quite a bit, typically more reading than writing, guess I got to get some things out.

I want to first express how much strength and support I have recieved from this network of new buddies.... thank you all so much. I think its starting to sink in.

I am a little concerned about the swings of emotion that come along in this process/journey, just when you think you have a handle on things....WHAM!!
You act/respond/feel something that you hoped you wouldn't.....

One step forward, two back. Hopefully I will have more forward from now on.

I wanted people to know, how much better I could breathe when I acted on WHAT I WANT/WHAT IS GOOD FOR ME - this was motivated by some responses I got from an earlier post today.

Tonight when I got home, my abf who is 'sick' (like legitimat sick) 102 fever, he was on the couch. I scrambled around like us good codies do.... fixing dinner, makeing tea and honey, changing bed sheets etc.

All the time feeling a bit resentful - when I finally sat down, I asked him what was up with my son acting so fresh today.....

Instead of a normal conversation, I got SCREAMED at. It dosen't matter what was said, or why, but instantly I KNEW.

He had to stay home from work because of illness- which meant his normal day of getting his fix wouldn't be available.... hence the horrible horrible mood swings.

WELL - thanks to some new found insight, i said to myself- "cessy, what do YOU WANT? a man who you dote on - to verbally trash you for asking a question?? All because he dosen't have his 'fix'? NOPE NOPE NOPE."

Soooo, I got my backbone (that always used to exist) thought of everyones words today and said I don't want to live like this. My house and I'm going to walk on eggshells - because of addiction??? NO ! HECK NO.

Rather than argue, or throw him out right then and there I did this-

I waited a 1/2 hr, walked into the room. Did not bring up addiction. I simply told him that I was unwilling to be spoken to in that manner. I also told him that swearing, or yelling so loud that his spit is flying out of his mouth was absolutly unacceptable.

I told him sick or not, I do not speak to people I love in that manner, and under no circumstances will I tolerate that behaviour from him.

I then informed him that I was going to go upstairs and read.

On my way up, he said he was sorry, and that he just isn't feeling good.

HOWEVER, I know the truth. These angry outburst happen more and more latley unless he is high.

The true progress I made throughout this though- is before (months ago) I was caught in a cycle with him, that if I challenged him he would say "fine" and threaten to leave......... and then I'd end up apologizing, and think I was wrong.

Well ladies and Gents, for the first time ever, as I was walking away from him I almost hoped he would do just that- only this time I wouldn't have stopped him.

I don't want it anymore. It will still be hard to say goodbye when that moment comes- but boy oh boy- I was sure prepared to say goodbye/goodridence tonight.

Irony always strikes like lightening- just when you are able to let them go----- they stay!!! URGHHHHH!!


I can't thank everyone here enough-
Love,
Cessy

cessy68

Thanks girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel good!

You all have helped me sooooo much!!! I'm going to hang on to that feeling - validating myself -to carry me through to see this to the end!!!
Love
Cess

Ann

I'm applauding too, because you thought this out before you acted. You might have "reacted" when he was so angry (which would have made you a reflection of him) but nooooosirreebob, you paused, thought and then acted.

Well done. That's a big step you took today.

Hugs

bluebelle

Great job, Cessy!!!

Freedom1990

By golly, that calls for a couple of dancing bananas!!!!!

jerect

Awesome Cessy...

I refuse to argue with my AH anymore and I refuse to beg and plead with him when he starts swearing and throwing a tantrum... because it is like you said... It IS MY HOUSE and I refuse to be treated like that in my home or any where for that matter...

Something that has helped me ... is everytime I feel the need to try to reason or argue with my AH, I picture this big flashing neon sign with the word INSANITY written on it.. I picture that sign standing there instead of my husband... it reminds me to just not go there because we all know that we cannot reason with insanity..

Limiya

Well done Cessy!!!
I'm amazed. Such strengh.
Maybe he will respect you more now and speak to you like you wish to be spoken to. Drugs or not drugs.
~Limiya~

cassandra2

Stay strong Cess. You are getting better and moments like this will continue to happen. These are the moments we need to remember when the bad feelings come in. I am so glad that you are finding yourself and your voice.

Feels good to get off of the hamster wheel doesnt it?

Take care.
Love,
Cass