bearfeet

Hello all,
It's been a while since I posted but I check how you are all doing each day. It's been a few months now since EXA moved out, some of you will know that since then I have had some very dark moments wanting to call beg and plead that he comes back even though life without him in the house for me and my baby girl has been so much better since. He hasn't been in touch once to speak to either me or to see her and as far as I am aware he is till happily drinking away convinced I am to blame for all his woes and he is just acting perfectly normally.

Anyway your tips and stories have really helped me through the terrible 'missing him' moments and some days I really feel I am making progress working on looking after my own needs.

Recently I have been seeing tentatively, someone else, he's actually an old school friend who has moved away. He has no addiction problems, is kind, sensitive and caring and I'm shocked everyday at how thoughtful and sensible he is (after 5 years af disregard, insults and chaos I forgot what normal was). I fancy him, i like and admire him as a person and he makes me forget about all the horror I've been feeling.

So my worries are as follows:-

I still have moments when I imagaine exa turning up sober and wanting me back, is this normal or fair on new man? I still think of exa lots am I using this lovely guy as a substitue or worse asa message to ex? I don't think I am but don't know myself??????

Also I found myself displaying quite an unpleasant behaviour to new man yeaterday evening which reminded me of how I used to feel with exa, basically new man said he had his works party this Saturday, I joked that I was jealous etc and I would be in my own ha ha. He actually offered to not go and stay in with me, I said don't be silly go and enjoy yourself but since then have been hoping he will canel and stay with me. I trust him, I know he is sensible and I can't believe I am feeling so needy already?!

Is this a hang on from the last relationship? Am I still in love with exA?

Any input and advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm feeling at a fragile point at the moment and want to do everything possible to make a happy fulfilled life for myself and my daughter.

Thanks again stars of my life!

xxxxxxxxxxxx

Techie1701

If it has only been a few months since your ex moved out (I haven't gone back and read your posts, so if I'm making a mistake please tell me!), and you had an intense 5 year relationship with him, then I would say it's too soon to get involved with someone new, :sorry. After a one year intense relationship ended, I found I was jumping into new relationships for the sake of it, and looking back it took 2 years to get over the ex. You also have a child, for that reason I would take things very very slowly, and also remember it takes a good while for your hormones to recover after having a baby. I learned this the hard way too.

Having said this, it sounds a bit like you are playing mind games. Do you think he should go to his Christmas party? Do you want him to go? Do you think it is reasonable to ask him not to go? Decide what you want, then SAY it to him. Do not play the game of 'if he loved me he would do what I want and I wouldn't have to say it to him', IYKWIM. I'm not saying you are consiously doing this, but it's important to realise what you are doing subconsioulsy, and it sounds like that's in the back of your head. I think.

Do I think you are still in love with ex? No. I was still haveing very vivid dreams about an ex for a long time after we broke up, but we broke up for a good reason, and I didn't want to get back together with him in real life. But it had been an intense relationship, and I had (have) unresolved issues about how I treated him, and how he treated me, and I think that's what was hard to let go of, not love as such. But it is probably a sign that this isn't a good time to be in a new relationship.

bearfeet

Thank you for your honest words.

I am taking things very, very slowly and he is completely understanding of this (we have known one another since childhood) I also put My baby girl first in all the decisions I make, he is a doting 'weekend Dad' to his daughter and if nothing more we are just really enjoying each others company and attentions at the moment.

I know I am by no means over EXA but I am starting to see the good in myself now and dearly like this guy.

The Saturday thing just threw me I think it comes from when the EXA did anything like that it would always be a risk that he'd go missing for days and also that I can't believe my luck that a nice guy would want to be with me and he'll go out and find somebody else!!! That I know sounds so bloody childish but I'm being honest.

I don't consider myself a selfish person but dearly I would like him to cancel and spend the night with me so I know that he won't abandon me because he'll be with me!

However I know that rationally I should feel 'go out have a good time, I trust you not to leave me, never get in touch again etc etc' so I'm pretending to him that's how I feel because I don't want him to see that ugly needy part of me. I even wonder when I'm being down did I drive EXA to drink with that part of me though I firmly believe that that sort of behaviour was at first a reaction from fear/to control his binges

Sorry I'm coming accross as a horror, I need to hide how I can be because who would want to spend time with such a selfish being?

Hmm not me. :-(

x

Techie1701

You are not remotely coming across as a horror!! It looks to me like you have a very good handle on what is causing your gut reaction. I hope someone more experianced steps in, but just because it's your gut feeling, doesn't make it right, IYKWIM.

Barbara52

For me that's says it all. It's not fair to you or the guy to get involved when you are not over your last relationship.

Personally I know I cannot get into another relationship until I have dealt with my own issues. If I had jumped right back into the dating world after leaving xAH or even now 18 months later, I would have used my broken picker to pick yet another man who in one way or another would have allowed me to follow my own dysfunctional behaviors.

Perhaps work on yourself so that you aren't just "starting to see" the wonderful person you are but know in your gut that you are that wonderful person?

ToughChoices

This gets to the heart of the problem, I think.

Just so you know, I would like to spend time with you. You sound like a kindred spirit!

There is darkness, neediness, and fear in me, too.
For a long time I looked to my husband to fill that need, to calm those fears, to reassure me that I was lovable. Deep down I just didn't believe that I was. I could package it up pretty nicely, but there were parts of myself that I NEVER wanted to reveal.

When the alcoholic chaos brought those insecurities to the surface, my husband and I were off and running on a crazy, codependent-alcoholic-merry-go-round of pain.
As he pulled away into alcohol I needed him more, doubted myself more. I clung tighter, he pulled harder. It was desperate and ugly.

I have issues, too. Those issues deserved personal counseling, for me. They deserved time and care.

Leaving my husband and finding another man, as appealing as that sounded at one point, would only have put a band-aid on the open and infected wound that was my self-worth. As I address that inner problem, I am much better able to respond to situations that were previously sources of great need.

I don't believe that I could do that work if I was in a relationship.
I hide in relationships.

Is this neediness in you something to hide, or something to bring into the light?

Take care of yourself. I'm thinking of you.
-TC

nowinsituation

WOW That's it! More for me to think about today. Thank you!

bearfeet

Thank you TC, I'd be honoured to be your kindred spirit!

I know it's a problem and I know that although new man as far as I know is non-addicted and healthy, it feels that it's only really his attentions that are dragging me from the gloom and desperation I still feel in the wake of AXB left when he walked away and finally stopped listening to my begging and gave into his true love entirely- alcohol. I wonder if he hadn't had this addiction would my own faults have not been made evident so I would just live on with them?

I don't know how to heal myself, yet I consider myself more than capable of understanding complex things.

I don't know why I feel like this after having a wonderful, safe and happy upbringing.

(although my Mother was very unemotional, I knew she loved us and both parents so encouraging plus my bro and sis have normal healthy marriages)

I still yearn for the happiness I'd convinced myself was possible with the XAB though I know it was an awful and intolerable existence though daily this is lessening, what's growing however at the same time is the yearning for a more serious relationship with new man.

How do I heal? and potentially put the ghost of what could've been to bed and not send the new bloke running for the hills?

I'm sorry for posting a million unanswerable questions (ha new man has already asked me why I apologise to him all the time and get so worried about small things? he currently thinks it's endearing whereas I know it's the tip of a very very unpleasant iceberg!)


Once again thank you thank you thank you. xxxxxxxx

ToughChoices

I tend to use male attention, sexual energy, and compliments to soothe my spirit.
I use them to rescue me from gloom and desperation.
BUT - like alcohol or heroine or cocaine - the approval of another is only a short-term fix.

It soothes me for a moment and leaves me desperate for more.

You sound like a bright woman. What do you think would help you get to the root of this?

AlAnon, participation here, and individual counseling helped me.

-TC

bearfeet

My goodness Anvilhead, your post has floored me. I never even looked at it that way. Honestly I never knew how selfish I really am?

I hate myself for not looking at it that way.

TC I don't know what would help me, I find being here helps although I do feel bad putting all my dilemas to those who have them o there own and I am considering finding a counsellor, Alanon isn't really an option due to distance and childcare unfortunately. I think I'm using those things as a temporary fix as well, though until now I never considered myself particularly vain.

I hate myself for that now too!

know nobody is perfect but I struggle to see myself ever fininding happiness that even matches the comfortable but terribly abusive chaos I had. Just writing what i feel before rationalising it, sorry.

xxxx

Freedom1990

Until I can bring a whole and emotionally healthy me to the table in a relationship, I am cheating myself and someone else. Just my two cents.

Before I got dead serious about working on my codependency issues, I was just taking hostages.

There wasn't anyone in this world who could have filled that gaping hole inside of me that needed to be filled by me and no one else.

j0hn0than1964

Hello Bearfeet,

Thank you for sharring what I assume is a tough area for you to be in. I would not say you are being needy as much as you are tying to better undersand what realistic expectations can now be. These thing I know as I am the man that came back sober and I am still at home now with my family. I have also gone through these same events at home since I have came back. I have found the ability to talk about these things candidly will allow for them to become nothing more then expressions of concern.

JT

LaTeeDa

As long as you look to another person to provide happiness, you will never be happy. As long as you fear abandonment by another person, you will always be fearful. Until you can be truly happy with or without another person, until you know that you will be okay even if someone leaves, relationships will always be a struggle.

I think personal counseling is a great idea. It changed my life.

L

bearfeet

Thank you Johnathan. I truly wish the very best for you and your family, it sounds like you all deserve it, It's nice to hear from a happy place. x

And thank you Freedom, I just can't get a handle on how I start to do it, I think I'm getting somewhere then some days it feels like I was pretending and kidding myself all along. x

bearfeet

I just don't think I have the capability to make anyone (myself, my daughter, partner) happy even before the last rocky few years with him. I can PRETEND I do but only I know deep down it's fake.

God I don't know where this is all coming from today!

ToughChoices

Just as no one can make me happy, I can't make anyone else happy.
It's not my job.

Other people/s feelings are outside my control.
I can't be good enough, smart enough, kind enough, patient enough, independent enough, attractive enough, funny enough to make someone else happy. I tried that for years, and it was exhausting and soul-sucking.

But I am good, smart, kind, patient, independent, attractive, and funny enough for me. I can be proud of myself. And gentle with myself. And glad to be who I am, really. Warts and all.

You can, too, bearfeet.

My counselor once asked me if I believed that God loved me exactly as I was, where I was.
I said, "I wish I could."
He asked, "Why can't you?"
I couldn't think of a good reason.

My healling began very soon after that.

-TC

Barbara52

You're right. You can't make anyone other than yourself happy. No one can. Happiness comes from within for all of us. Oh, many of us fool ourselves into thinking that so-and-so makes me feel happy but it's not true. It gets back to the fact no one "makes' anyone feel anything. Our emotions are our own, only we feel them.

We can enjoy the company of someone and get feelings of happiness from sharing bits of our lives with them. We can feel happy from doing things we enjoy. But all of that happiness is rooted in what we think about oursleves, who we see ourselves as being, what we get out of actions or people. Happiness just doesn't come from outside of us.

bluejupiter

Hang in there Bearfeet. What struck me is how you said a couple times that for various reasons you hated yourself. Don't hate yourself. Life is hard enough without us beating ourselves up.

Ago

There is a lot of wisdom in all of the replies but I believe this reply sums up all the knowledge, experience, strength and hope we all have here.

Having my "old behavior" crop up in a situation where it is not not "situationally appropriate" is always a huge eye opener for me, such as bringing "codie behaviors" to a "healthy situation" really brings home the need for me to continue my own recovery, and even "redouble" my efforts.

It's strange not having a "designated patient" any more, enlightening, and allows me to truly focus on myself (I type while on vacation with a wonderful and beautiful woman)

Anyhow, take care of yourself, I found that by focusing on my own recovery, anything and everything that God puts in my life is a lesson, whether painful or wonderful, it's an opportunity to grow.