Should I Visit - Need help

Old 12-11-2008, 10:28 AM
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Should I Visit - Need help

So recap for those who dont know, I have an insulin dependant diabetic, turned 16 this week. he is in jail for running from court ordered rehab. I have had no contact with him for a month except for a counseling session with him Tues that went well.

His counselor feels its time for me to start making contact as does his dad who called me at 11:30 last night and kept me on the phone until 1 a.m. Geeze you just cant away from some men - he's just a moron and i know he was drinking while talking to me because he made no sense at all at times. He actually pulled the "I need you to get through this because I dont know what to do" good grief he's 45 years old and he doesnt know what to do - how bout you start by pouring your drink out. All I said was there's nothing you can do and there's nothing i can do. Its amazing how he was trying to pull me back into the codie role - seems like when i dumped him 13 years ago he would have realized it doesnt work anymore. So now lucky me has two addicts trying to pull me into this crap.

Today the jail nurse called to tell me that my son was running low on insulin and could i bring some up tonite at visitation. I told her i cant until saturday when i get paid to which she said - he really wants you to visit tonite. He's made some good progress and I know he's just using his meds as an excuse but i'm torn now. I dont like him using his diabetes to get my attention but maybe he probably doesnt think i'll come unless its for that. I dont want to get sucked in again to the games. If i do visit i will def tell him - if you need meds call but if you just want a visit then be honest about that. dont use your diabetes to get me up here.

He is a child still and I know that kids of his age do need their mom but on the flip side he's been using me so much as his excuse that for his sake it needs to stop. I had planned on trying to visit him this week but the medical tricks he plays have to stop. I'm so torn.
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Old 12-11-2008, 10:35 AM
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Hi, glad he is doing ok! If it were me, I'd go this weekend! Stick by what you said. If he needs meds I might reconsider, but I'm sure they won't let his glucose get too low or high!!

Prayers for you and your son,
susan
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Old 12-11-2008, 12:09 PM
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Red flags, red flags. Now he has the 'nurse' 'pleading his case', nope.

Wait, go saturday, take the insulin and then be very careful what you say. Listen, and let him talk. Watch the actions.

He is once again 'testing' to see if he can 'manipulate' mom.

J M H O

Love and hugs,
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Old 12-11-2008, 12:17 PM
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So you have not told your son that you do not want him using the medication to get you to come see him. If that is true, then just go visit him and tell him if you want me to visit just ask me. He is 16 and needs to know that it is okay to talk to you honestly. But if you really think it is a trick to just see you and he wants something else do not go. YOu have to talk to him. See what happens.
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Old 12-11-2008, 12:30 PM
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Goodness just got of the phone with his PO and they are considering sending him home for christmas with an ankle monitor and then to rehab on Feb 2nd. I may be in for a real ride over the next month - I need strength. I think i am going to go see him tonite because i need some time alone to really see where his head is at - they court will listen to me if i think he's not ready.
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Old 12-11-2008, 01:41 PM
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This is dangerous ground we tread with our addicts. We really love them and want to believe them and even sometimes we see their old selves show through a bit....

This is where we have to really stick to our guns. Say what we mean and mean what we say. I see this as being an opportunity for you winnie to see him and see where he is at too. My ex is starting to come around with being able to converse with me but I still sense some dishonesty and a little manipulation so I too have to be careful.

Good luck. I know how hard it will be to do. Let us know how the visit goes.
Prayers for your strength to continue.....
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Old 12-12-2008, 03:58 AM
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I decided not to go last night but I will go Saturday as I had planned and I'll take his meds then. Its so hard to fight that urge to jump when he says he needs me especially when health related. With all the phone calls from other people, I really felt like he was using other people to manipulate me. The thing is he never called me himself so that was my deciding factor. Had he made some attempt at contact then i probably would have gone. Yet again he is wanting me to make the first step - which I already did by attending the therapy session.

It has been such a trend with him over the last couple of years that if i was upset with him then something medical would come up - it was an emotional rollercoaster. One minute I'm upset with him for his behavior and the next he's having a diabetic seizure. When you from one emotion to another so quickly it reaks havok on your sanity.
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Old 12-12-2008, 04:20 AM
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Originally Posted by laurie6781 View Post
Red flags, red flags. Now he has the 'nurse' 'pleading his case', nope.

Wait, go saturday, take the insulin and then be very careful what you say. Listen, and let him talk. Watch the actions.

He is once again 'testing' to see if he can 'manipulate' mom.

J M H O

Love and hugs,
I agree. I clearly remember when he ran from rehab and how scared you were, Winnie, and understandably so. His actions spoke pretty loudly then.
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Old 12-12-2008, 06:33 AM
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I'll just agree with Devon and Laurie said and what you also said that:

"The thing is he never called me himself so that was my deciding factor. Had he made some attempt at contact then i probably would have gone."

Prayers for you and your son.
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Old 12-12-2008, 07:17 AM
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Winnie, I was thinking about this again when I got up this morning, and wanted to share a few more things with you about my own experiences as the mother of an addict.

You say that he is still a child and that kids of his age do need their mom.

I want to give you my perspective on that.

Yes, technically he is a minor, and yes, he is far from mature.

My oldest AD was 8 when I first got clean/sober, and there was a lot of damage to her from my addictions, as well as her stepfather's, who I left after I got out of rehab.

I had to learn how to be a parent in recovery. It was a constant struggle. At 13 she had behaviors that were so out of control, including rage issues, that I put her in a treatment facility for adolescents that dealt with a variety of issues (she was not using any substances yet). I participated in all the family sessions because I realized it was NOT just her, it was a family problem.

We continued family counseling at home. Did I make mistakes? Absolutely. I am human, and I make mistakes every day. Hopefully I learn from them.

God how I tried with that girl. It just got worse and worse. At 15 she decided to steal the neighbor's truck in the middle of the night, a stick shift, which she had no idea how to drive, and ended up ditching it in the middle of the street a block from the police department because she couldn't figure out how to get it in reverse.

My neighbors refused to file charges, much to my chagrin. Back to treatment she went, but insurance refused to pay for more than 10 days, so I got a 15 year old back who was 100 times as angry as before she went in.

Mind you, I was attending college 30 miles away, 4 days a week. Everything was crumbling around me. I managed to finish up that semester, and gave up on college, took a job washing dishes to be back in town so I could 'monitor' her closer, and I worked that job for 3 long miserable years.

I did it all, the treatment, individual counseling, family counseling, parenting classes, and she was absolutely 100% hell bent on self-destruction.

Shortly before she turned 17 she came to me and told me she was pregnant. She was still attending high school. She had qualified for the gifted program and was eligible to start taking college classes her freshman year in high school. She was a year and a half short of graduating.

I hugged her, told her somehow we would manage, but her job, her #1 job was to finish her education. That's all I asked of her. She refused to get out of bed in the mornings-played the morning sickness card on me, and I found out years later from her that she was getting up after I would go to sleep, walk over to the baby's father's house, and play cards with him and his drunken friends. So the education went out the window.

I was blessed in that her father and stepmother agreed to drive the two hours to meet with us for a family session. We stood as a united front.

AD was no longer willing to do anything to improve her life, including the simple task of getting up and attending school. She wanted to move in with the father of the baby and play house.

So we signed the emancipation papers, and her father told her that was the end of the child support and the father of that baby could support her. She thought she was all grown up, and now she could find out just what grown up was.

There comes a point where they are far from mature emotionally, but we have done everything within our power, and we just have to quit looking at them as our 'children' and let go.

They are very 'mature' when it comes to addict manipulations. My oldest AD is now an expert in that area at 30 years old.

I hope I've made some sort of sense. :ghug :ghug
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