Gettin to the End
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 19
Gettin to the End
Hey Guys and Gals,
Well I've hit rock bottom. You've probably heard it before but I fell into the sick and tired of being sick and tired category. I've been an alky for about 10 years and of those 10 years I went sober for 30 days on my own and well the rest is a blur. I only drink beer but I drink until I'm done. I drink 6 out of 7 days a week. I've been married for 9 years , I'm 31 with 2 kids and one on the way. Luckily by the grace of God my wife is an RN and understands that I have a disease not just acting like an uncontrolable selfish brat.
I've gotten to a point in my life where after 2 DUIs at the beginning of my drinking career ( I Haven't drank and drive in well over 7 years) the failing health of what should be healthy 31 year old and just the plain old feeling of what a waste of life I am I want to quit. I've said I wanted to quit before ,even went to Rehad for 4 days but it was all a stint to try to make my wife think I was trying. She is very supportive of me but knows only I can quit.
I've tried AA, Rehab, Salvation Army stuff , medicine all that. But I think what was missing was my desire to quit. Well it is here. I find myself typing this on a verge of an anxiety attack cause it's my first night of not drinking. My doctor gave me ativan to help so I popped one of those and feel a tad bit better.
I have every reason to drink ( Mom died, served in Bosnia and seen things I had no interest in seeing in my lifetime, my dad is a tool who used to hit me and my mom and he is bi-polor and won't take his meds, I'm adopted and met my real dad and he ditched me again...all that good stuff)
But I have managed to be a completely functional alcoholic. I've always held a job until spring when I got laid off. Was always on time, did good work but I was always hiding that secret.
I have a routine when I drink. I don't drink during the day or around my wife but at night when everyone goes to bed like now its game on. I watch the games , work on my models or whatever but my alone time involves me and beer like it is some screwed up extra girlfriend I have.
I'm wrighting here because the standard method of quitting is not for me. I have a relationship with God but this battle is mine and I alone will get me to quit. Question is how? I know I need support and I've pretty much over the years eliminated my friends that were trouble and my wife doesn't drink.
So I'm setup to have a great support system but I have a hard time quitting because I find myself reasoning and rationalizing on the nights when I tell myself I'm not gonna drink.
I've had kidney stones ( OMG :0) my kidneys hurt all the time. I'd be in good shape if I didn't drink and as I've gotten older I've turned down sex with my wife so I could either A Drink or B didn't want to blow beer breath on her and what young dude would ever do that lol
The biggest thing that got me is lately I've had apnea? (Spelling) But I wake up just absolutely gasping for breath , heart palpitating and I'm 31
I'm done with this crap , at the rate I'm going I'll be luck to see 45 and even though I've been crapped on my whole life, I have a bueatiful family now and my wife and kids deserve more.
Any help would be appreciated with what steps I could take from here or if there are meetings on here at night or something. I'm just looking for a starting point
Well I've hit rock bottom. You've probably heard it before but I fell into the sick and tired of being sick and tired category. I've been an alky for about 10 years and of those 10 years I went sober for 30 days on my own and well the rest is a blur. I only drink beer but I drink until I'm done. I drink 6 out of 7 days a week. I've been married for 9 years , I'm 31 with 2 kids and one on the way. Luckily by the grace of God my wife is an RN and understands that I have a disease not just acting like an uncontrolable selfish brat.
I've gotten to a point in my life where after 2 DUIs at the beginning of my drinking career ( I Haven't drank and drive in well over 7 years) the failing health of what should be healthy 31 year old and just the plain old feeling of what a waste of life I am I want to quit. I've said I wanted to quit before ,even went to Rehad for 4 days but it was all a stint to try to make my wife think I was trying. She is very supportive of me but knows only I can quit.
I've tried AA, Rehab, Salvation Army stuff , medicine all that. But I think what was missing was my desire to quit. Well it is here. I find myself typing this on a verge of an anxiety attack cause it's my first night of not drinking. My doctor gave me ativan to help so I popped one of those and feel a tad bit better.
I have every reason to drink ( Mom died, served in Bosnia and seen things I had no interest in seeing in my lifetime, my dad is a tool who used to hit me and my mom and he is bi-polor and won't take his meds, I'm adopted and met my real dad and he ditched me again...all that good stuff)
But I have managed to be a completely functional alcoholic. I've always held a job until spring when I got laid off. Was always on time, did good work but I was always hiding that secret.
I have a routine when I drink. I don't drink during the day or around my wife but at night when everyone goes to bed like now its game on. I watch the games , work on my models or whatever but my alone time involves me and beer like it is some screwed up extra girlfriend I have.
I'm wrighting here because the standard method of quitting is not for me. I have a relationship with God but this battle is mine and I alone will get me to quit. Question is how? I know I need support and I've pretty much over the years eliminated my friends that were trouble and my wife doesn't drink.
So I'm setup to have a great support system but I have a hard time quitting because I find myself reasoning and rationalizing on the nights when I tell myself I'm not gonna drink.
I've had kidney stones ( OMG :0) my kidneys hurt all the time. I'd be in good shape if I didn't drink and as I've gotten older I've turned down sex with my wife so I could either A Drink or B didn't want to blow beer breath on her and what young dude would ever do that lol
The biggest thing that got me is lately I've had apnea? (Spelling) But I wake up just absolutely gasping for breath , heart palpitating and I'm 31
I'm done with this crap , at the rate I'm going I'll be luck to see 45 and even though I've been crapped on my whole life, I have a bueatiful family now and my wife and kids deserve more.
Any help would be appreciated with what steps I could take from here or if there are meetings on here at night or something. I'm just looking for a starting point
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 150
I just want to say welcome. You can make a change. Just do a day, then try another one. I am just trying to think like that. My first goal was a day. Then a week (was estatic yesterday when I hit that!).
Now I want a fortnight under my belt, then the big goal a month.
Don't focus on the be end all, quitting and never doing it again.....it's to daunting!
Now I want a fortnight under my belt, then the big goal a month.
Don't focus on the be end all, quitting and never doing it again.....it's to daunting!
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Congratulations on seeking a healthier lifestyle!
There is usually a recovery meeting in Chat.
9 p.m. EST. It will be for everyone
For me the key was....
I had to want to quit more than I wanted to drink.
...As you mentioned, the desire was there.
Blessings to you and your family
..Welcome to our recovery community
There is usually a recovery meeting in Chat.
9 p.m. EST. It will be for everyone
For me the key was....
I had to want to quit more than I wanted to drink.
...As you mentioned, the desire was there.Blessings to you and your family
..Welcome to our recovery community
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
One year ago I knew I was an alcoholic and should quit before something really awful happened. I've been on and off the wagon since then, but relapsed so many times I was beginning to think I was hopeless. But now I've been sober one day at a time since July. It CAN be done, you have to want to quit more than anything else in your life.
Just don't drink for today. And when tomorrow becomes today, don't drink for today again. Take it as it comes, one day at a time, and just don't pick up that first drink.
It may be helpful to make a list of all the things you hate about alcohol, all the reasons you want to stop drinking. Any time you have cravings or the urge to drink, read your list.
You may also want to talk to your doctor about detoxing safely. I wish the best for you! If I can stop drinking, so can you!
Just don't drink for today. And when tomorrow becomes today, don't drink for today again. Take it as it comes, one day at a time, and just don't pick up that first drink.
It may be helpful to make a list of all the things you hate about alcohol, all the reasons you want to stop drinking. Any time you have cravings or the urge to drink, read your list.
You may also want to talk to your doctor about detoxing safely. I wish the best for you! If I can stop drinking, so can you!
Just starting out...
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 110
I too am a nighttime drinker. As soon as everyone goes to bed it is totally game on. I used to dread the day that my free time went away.. kids get older and stay up later, hubby's hours change so he can go to bed later. Now, I look forward to it. You can't hide drinking several times a week when there are people constantly about. Welcome to SR.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 19
Thanks guys and gals,
I'm faced with the dreaded task of living though my second night of sobriety when a Red Wings game is on. I probably won't be able to watch the game as it is a tradition for me. My head is all messed up with racing thoughts trying to rationalize to drink and so on. I'm hoping I don't have DTs but my eye is twitching non stop and I'm feeling some anxiety. I'm hoping I can hold out but as in the past I lose focus and slip and are on a one man mission to make sure this does NOT happen. Thanks for the encouraging words.
I'm faced with the dreaded task of living though my second night of sobriety when a Red Wings game is on. I probably won't be able to watch the game as it is a tradition for me. My head is all messed up with racing thoughts trying to rationalize to drink and so on. I'm hoping I don't have DTs but my eye is twitching non stop and I'm feeling some anxiety. I'm hoping I can hold out but as in the past I lose focus and slip and are on a one man mission to make sure this does NOT happen. Thanks for the encouraging words.
Karma Amputee
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Among The Living
Posts: 769
Drink water Devil Dog. Then drink some more.
Get your old canteen out if you need to, you see what I mean?
I enjoyed reading your intro post. I can relate to much of what you said. Welcome.
You've come to a good place.
Get your old canteen out if you need to, you see what I mean?
I enjoyed reading your intro post. I can relate to much of what you said. Welcome.
You've come to a good place.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
Hello, Marine. It's great you found us & you will definitely find help here. We can sympathize with how you feel, when others around you can't. It's great that your wife understands the disease - that's half the battle. I feel my family still considers it a character defect.
You mentioned watching the game without drinking. We really do almost have to learn to live again in a new way-our old habits die hard. At first everything seemed so flat to me - but I just had to get used to feeling and thinking like a normal person. Being anesthetized all the time isn't really living. You are young, and can turn this all around - your body will heal and your children will never have to be victims of this disease. Please let us know how you're doing.
You mentioned watching the game without drinking. We really do almost have to learn to live again in a new way-our old habits die hard. At first everything seemed so flat to me - but I just had to get used to feeling and thinking like a normal person. Being anesthetized all the time isn't really living. You are young, and can turn this all around - your body will heal and your children will never have to be victims of this disease. Please let us know how you're doing.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
Glad you are here...btw my son and i use to be big hockey fans....but when i started drinking again that sorta got to require too much focus
But now I am back into sobriety.
Posting here at night will probably help alot...we include all timezones here so there is general someone up and about
Welcome~
But now I am back into sobriety.
Posting here at night will probably help alot...we include all timezones here so there is general someone up and about
Welcome~
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Hi and Welcome,
I'm glad you found us and it's great that you recognize there are some difficult decisions to make in early recovery.
Tjere is a great group of people here, so make yourself comfortable and join us.
I'm glad you found us and it's great that you recognize there are some difficult decisions to make in early recovery.
Tjere is a great group of people here, so make yourself comfortable and join us.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 19
So pissed
Well This is obviously why I am here,
This is the first time in my recovery ever that I have admitted to falling of the bus. The situation=
Game is on all is going well , cousin comes over so I can help him do his resume and he brings beer( He does not know I am trying to quit) in fact I don't know how but my wife is the only one in the fam that knows I have a real problem here.
Well the rest is history. I'm not discouraged by this but I am pissed I cannot even go 2 days. I can't remember the last time that it was 2 days.
So where do I go from here. Theres another dilemma , I don't know how many days of me saying I'm gonna quit tomorrow but then find a reason to drink because there is a beer or 2 left over from the night before.
I feel like I am not in control, and for all the people I dislike like celebs and politicians I never would wish the head games I go through on a daily basis. I can see in due time that if I do not get this under control good things will not happen. I feel like crap
This is the first time in my recovery ever that I have admitted to falling of the bus. The situation=
Game is on all is going well , cousin comes over so I can help him do his resume and he brings beer( He does not know I am trying to quit) in fact I don't know how but my wife is the only one in the fam that knows I have a real problem here.
Well the rest is history. I'm not discouraged by this but I am pissed I cannot even go 2 days. I can't remember the last time that it was 2 days.
So where do I go from here. Theres another dilemma , I don't know how many days of me saying I'm gonna quit tomorrow but then find a reason to drink because there is a beer or 2 left over from the night before.
I feel like I am not in control, and for all the people I dislike like celebs and politicians I never would wish the head games I go through on a daily basis. I can see in due time that if I do not get this under control good things will not happen. I feel like crap
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 19
Well I dumped all mine out and today is a new day. I've found this site to be very helpful in expressing my feelings because at night my wife is normally at work and that gives me free time to act my old ways. But this site will give me something to do instead : )
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR Family!
I had my share of false starts when I tried to get sober. One of the things that really helped me understand how alcohol had taken control was a post here on SR by CarolD:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
After reading those excerpts, I bought the book. Now I understand how addicted every part of my body and mind were to alcohol. Now I understand why I can not have another drink, ever.
Stick around and keep reading and posting.
I had my share of false starts when I tried to get sober. One of the things that really helped me understand how alcohol had taken control was a post here on SR by CarolD:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
After reading those excerpts, I bought the book. Now I understand how addicted every part of my body and mind were to alcohol. Now I understand why I can not have another drink, ever.
Stick around and keep reading and posting.
Fulldresser4
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Mid-Michigan
Posts: 531
Welcome Marine! Thanks for serving our country. Just my humble experience, strength, and hope here, but if you have a relationship with God, it is NOT your battle anymore. You have to give it up to Him. All you have to do is be willing. God will move mountains for you, but you have to pick up the shovel.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Good post, I had forgotten about the apnea episodes, its so lovely to wake up clinging onto the bedsheet gasping for breath, for me it was on the night i always tried to quit!
Only 2 months so far but something important that i have learned is that there are reasons for us medicating ourselves with alcohol and it seems that you are aware of some of those issues and they sound horrible! For me counselling is working along with anti depressants and antabuse.
I was exactly the same as you, functional alchie with job and would drink just enough to make me feel good enough to go to sleep (well ok kind of pass out, you know what i mean!) but it was explained to me that i was self medicating to not deal with the issues which is kind of like what the meds i am taking now with the counselling are for...I could have done this at 30 man...now im 37 and grateful to be doing it now as i probably wouldn't have listened at 30 and tried to solve it all myself as usual without realising i was f***ed and needed a strangers help!
good luck man! keep posting!
Only 2 months so far but something important that i have learned is that there are reasons for us medicating ourselves with alcohol and it seems that you are aware of some of those issues and they sound horrible! For me counselling is working along with anti depressants and antabuse.
I was exactly the same as you, functional alchie with job and would drink just enough to make me feel good enough to go to sleep (well ok kind of pass out, you know what i mean!) but it was explained to me that i was self medicating to not deal with the issues which is kind of like what the meds i am taking now with the counselling are for...I could have done this at 30 man...now im 37 and grateful to be doing it now as i probably wouldn't have listened at 30 and tried to solve it all myself as usual without realising i was f***ed and needed a strangers help!
good luck man! keep posting!
Last edited by yeahgr8; 12-11-2008 at 10:12 AM. Reason: spelling
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 19
Thanks for the reassurance, yet today is another reminder of why I want to quit. I feel like crap my body hurts and I can feel my kidneys just screaming.
I cannot believe how strong of resistance is coming from my body to not quit though. It really has rewired my brain. The more I think about it, it is gonna take a whole lifestyle change.
I cannot believe how strong of resistance is coming from my body to not quit though. It really has rewired my brain. The more I think about it, it is gonna take a whole lifestyle change.
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