How do I support my husband and not lose myself?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: MA
Posts: 2
How do I support my husband and not lose myself in the process?
Hello... I'm new to the site and blogging/posts in general, but I have never felt this desperate for help. My husband has been sober for more than 2 years. He is not the "typical" alcoholic who drank daily... he would have one glass of wine or a beer with dinner or socially and all would be fine. There were two/three isolated incidents over an 8 yr span where he would start drinking in a social setting and not be able to stop. He would act erratically and was violent toward himself or others, but not me. Two years ago the worst happened. He came home beyond intoxicated and when I approached him in anger about his actions (now something I have learned was not the best approach) he started to strangle me to the point where I had no choice but to call 911. He had NEVER been physically abusive before that night. After he was arrested he volunteered to go to rehab and we briefly separated while both of us figured out what we wanted. We both decided that we wanted to stay together and a year later he told me he wanted us to have a child like we had planned. After I repeatedly asked him to really think about it whether or not he was ready, we had a baby together. About a month ago, almost one year to the day we had our son, my husband and I had an argument. I ended up bringing up that night as we hadn't spoken about it in any detail ever. I had lingering fears and questions and felt that I needed to talk to him about it. Although he has no recollection of any of the events of that night I told him that I forgave him as his actions weren’t about him as a person, but the alcohol and disease itself. However, although I have forgiven, I can't forget that it happened and that there is a fear that it could happen again since he has stopped communicating his feelings/emotions and become more closed off. A week after that conversation my husband announced to me, a total shock as I had no idea that our marriage was in trouble, that he doesn't want to be married anymore because he can't forgive himself for the events of that night and every time he looks at me he thinks of that night. He says that he feels numb and that although he cares for me deeply he doesn’t know if he is capable of loving me. Although financially he is not able to move out, he wants "space" to think about things and just wants to be alone. I have gone several days to a week without asking him to talk to me, but he as he has shut me off completely I am scared that we can’t recover from this and I am consumed with fear and worry. I love him and want us to work through this no matter how difficult. He refuses to talk to anyone professionally and will not return to AA as he feels that being in AA is a trigger for him to drink again. Has anyone out there had these numb feelings during their sobriety and what was the turning point that allowed you to accept love and your wife/husband back in your life? What steps did your spouse take to support you in your struggle? Any advice would be much appreciated.
Freed from the anguish
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 124
(((abl4411)))
Very sorry you're going through all this. Have you considered counseling? Do you think he would be willing to go to marriage counseling? It really sounds to me like you are both hurting in different ways and could both use some TLC and work on yourselves as well as together in order to start picking up the pieces.
If he is totally unwilling to get help (with or without you), I would highly suggest you look for a counselor for yourself. As you begin to work on yourself and through your hurts and fears, he may see your changes for the better and might later consider joining you or getting counseling then. But don't give up on yourself just because you feel he's given up on you or the marriage.
I will be praying for you both and hope that you both consider all your options and lovingly make the best choices. (((abl4411)))
-JustMe
Very sorry you're going through all this. Have you considered counseling? Do you think he would be willing to go to marriage counseling? It really sounds to me like you are both hurting in different ways and could both use some TLC and work on yourselves as well as together in order to start picking up the pieces.
If he is totally unwilling to get help (with or without you), I would highly suggest you look for a counselor for yourself. As you begin to work on yourself and through your hurts and fears, he may see your changes for the better and might later consider joining you or getting counseling then. But don't give up on yourself just because you feel he's given up on you or the marriage.
I will be praying for you both and hope that you both consider all your options and lovingly make the best choices. (((abl4411)))
-JustMe
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Welcome to SR, you have found a GREAT place, with lots and lots of Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H)
Keep posting, keep asking questions. We will share with you what we know and what we ourselves have experienced.
First let me say that not only am I a Recovering Alcoholic for many years, I have also been in Alanon for many years for my codependency issues (I want to FIX everyone and everything, lol).
What you have written has set up some real RED FLAGS for me.
I cannot count anymore how many times I have heard that before someone goes out to drink again. This is a 'classic' comment when someone is setting themselves up to drink again, even thought they may not know it.
Translation: I want to live alone so I can drink when I want.
Is this fixable? I don't know. But I will suggest, that for YOU and YOUR child, you find some Alanon meetings in your area and start attending, please attend at least 6 different ones, before making up your mind whether you feel Alanon can help you.
Alanon is for Friends and Family of the Alcoholic/Addict. Here is where we learn the 3 C's:
I didn't CAUSE it,
I can't CONTROL it, and
I can't CURE it.
Alanon, is where I learned about setting my own boundaries on what was acceptable and what was not. Alanon, more so than AA is where I was really able to work on ME. First finding ME. Figuring out why I was drawn to the 'sick,' the 'needy,' the 'addicted.'
Like many others in this world, he may have thought that having a child would fix and improve things and instead has put more stress on him. Stress that he does not know how to deal with except with alcohol.
What you described about his drinking is a 'periodic' or 'binge drinker.' I have to tell you that as the disease of Alcoholism progresses, left unchecked these periods of 'uncontrolled drinking' will get closer together. The fact that he has been sober for a while and is possibly contemplating drinking again (and this may not be a conscious thought, just the disease dis-ease setting in). It's the old ways. The dis-ease tells us it has a way to STOP THE STRESS, to MAKE US FEEL GOOD.
J M H O
Please try some Alanon.
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much.
Love and hugs.
Keep posting, keep asking questions. We will share with you what we know and what we ourselves have experienced.
First let me say that not only am I a Recovering Alcoholic for many years, I have also been in Alanon for many years for my codependency issues (I want to FIX everyone and everything, lol).
What you have written has set up some real RED FLAGS for me.
will not return to AA as he feels that being in AA is a trigger for him to drink again.
A week after that conversation my husband announced to me, a total shock as I had no idea that our marriage was in trouble, that he doesn't want to be married anymore because he can't forgive himself for the events of that night and every time he looks at me he thinks of that night. He says that he feels numb and that although he cares for me deeply he doesn’t know if he is capable of loving me.
Is this fixable? I don't know. But I will suggest, that for YOU and YOUR child, you find some Alanon meetings in your area and start attending, please attend at least 6 different ones, before making up your mind whether you feel Alanon can help you.
Alanon is for Friends and Family of the Alcoholic/Addict. Here is where we learn the 3 C's:
I didn't CAUSE it,
I can't CONTROL it, and
I can't CURE it.
Alanon, is where I learned about setting my own boundaries on what was acceptable and what was not. Alanon, more so than AA is where I was really able to work on ME. First finding ME. Figuring out why I was drawn to the 'sick,' the 'needy,' the 'addicted.'
Like many others in this world, he may have thought that having a child would fix and improve things and instead has put more stress on him. Stress that he does not know how to deal with except with alcohol.
What you described about his drinking is a 'periodic' or 'binge drinker.' I have to tell you that as the disease of Alcoholism progresses, left unchecked these periods of 'uncontrolled drinking' will get closer together. The fact that he has been sober for a while and is possibly contemplating drinking again (and this may not be a conscious thought, just the disease dis-ease setting in). It's the old ways. The dis-ease tells us it has a way to STOP THE STRESS, to MAKE US FEEL GOOD.
J M H O
Please try some Alanon.
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much.
Love and hugs.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Abl,
I'm so sorry you're going through this. If your partner will not participate in things that might bring about healing, you have little choice but to try to heal yourself. Have you tried finding a counselor just to talk to yourself? That was one of the most helpful things I ever did for myself. It requires you to let go of his behavior & his choices for the moment, and focus on your own needs, but it may provide you with a lot of relief and clarity.
Hugs to you
GL
I'm so sorry you're going through this. If your partner will not participate in things that might bring about healing, you have little choice but to try to heal yourself. Have you tried finding a counselor just to talk to yourself? That was one of the most helpful things I ever did for myself. It requires you to let go of his behavior & his choices for the moment, and focus on your own needs, but it may provide you with a lot of relief and clarity.
Hugs to you
GL
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 1,221
Hugs abl, welcome to SR, if I were you I would go for counseling for help for yourself and go to Alanon. Also you will get alot of help here. I am learning also that you can't change anyone, you can just help yourself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: MA
Posts: 2
thanks
thanks everyone for your advice... i've already been in the process of searching for and speaking to therapists who specializes in both alcoholism and marriage counseling. I'm also not looking to change my husband, but looking to keep learning more about what it is like to be who he is and gain a better perspective on what he is going through, which is why i came to this message board. I appreciate all of your candor and wish all of you the best in your recovery and/or support of those who you love who are in recovery...
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
