Hes homeless, injured and theres a warrant for him
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 52
Hes homeless, injured and theres a warrant for him
What am I suposed to do?? Let him suffer and maybe die?? Hes got a broken tooth and scratches all over him. He's insane - finding trinkets on the street that are magical to him - and he failed to appear in court Friday, and so there's a warrant for him. His mom saw him Sunday and said he's dirty, injured and behaving very oddly. He called me at 4am Sunday morning and said he was hitch hiking to Boulder, but he told his parents he had been in Denver since dawn. I am so worried about him, he is out of his mind. I'm sure hes drinking all the time - or as much as he can afford to. Its cold out, its dangerous living on the streets, and he needs help. I dont know what to do. I'm not prepared for the worst.
Being Me for the first time
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Wishek, North Dakota
Posts: 1,160
Sadly watching someone you care about hit bottom really hurts , But as hard as it is to witness it's something that almost has to happen in order for that person to get the help they need . If they pick him up the good part is that they can help him detox and get the professional help he needs . And he will be warm , and fed ... All one can do is pray for help for them ... prayers from here to there .... Endzy:praying
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
What are you going to do? Save him?? Make him stop drinking and turn his life around? Or worse, let him continue the crazy & dangerous behavior IN YOUR HOUSE?
I would suggest calling the police if he turns up. Jail will provide him an opportunity to detox and clean up enough to determine whether he wants to return to the lifestyle he s leading.
It's his best hope right now. Don't take that from him by trying to save him from himself. You can't do it.
I would suggest calling the police if he turns up. Jail will provide him an opportunity to detox and clean up enough to determine whether he wants to return to the lifestyle he s leading.
It's his best hope right now. Don't take that from him by trying to save him from himself. You can't do it.
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Join Date: Jun 2008
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But what if I can help him?? What if he let's me take him to the hospital? Sitting here helpless and waiting to see what happens next is killing me. He feels like everyone has deserted him. How will he ask us for help? I'm scared to death of what may happen to him. Him being arrested isn't my fear. I don't know why I'm so afraid he will die.
Looking for the silver lining
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: South Florida
Posts: 243
Hi dear one.
I was in the same boat with my husband.
We are powerless over alcohol and our lives have become unmanageable. The unmanageability comes from our desire to control the situation. Your anxiety, like mine, was due to trying to control what I was powerless over. My interference did not allow my husband to hit bottom. I kept trying to "rescue" him by trying to prevent his crises.
The alcoholic/addicts problems are like an building avalanche. That mountain is alcohol related problems that continue to build. The avalanche that ensues when it reaches a crisis point is an opportunity for the alcoholic to make a conscious decision to fix their life and take responsibility. We, as loved ones, must remain out of the way during this process. That means not trying to eliminate the mountain, nor heap on more stuff to hasten the fallout. Please....believe me when I say it is possible to "love" someone to death. Our continued rescue denies them the right to take life saving responsibility for their actions. This person, like you, has a higher power. This higher power (no matter what you chose to call it) loves, cares, and has all the ability to carry this person through. Please relinquish him to that source that is never going to leave him.
Finally, are you going to Al Anon? Please do. I couldn't survive without it. Today, my husband is still actively drinking and bounces from place to place. Despite the fact that he has lost everything, he has done nothing to change. He isn't ready yet. There is nothing I will do or say to change it. Read my posts...I experienced a similar madness. Al Anon is a way to reclaim your life. Hugs!!!
I was in the same boat with my husband.
We are powerless over alcohol and our lives have become unmanageable. The unmanageability comes from our desire to control the situation. Your anxiety, like mine, was due to trying to control what I was powerless over. My interference did not allow my husband to hit bottom. I kept trying to "rescue" him by trying to prevent his crises.
The alcoholic/addicts problems are like an building avalanche. That mountain is alcohol related problems that continue to build. The avalanche that ensues when it reaches a crisis point is an opportunity for the alcoholic to make a conscious decision to fix their life and take responsibility. We, as loved ones, must remain out of the way during this process. That means not trying to eliminate the mountain, nor heap on more stuff to hasten the fallout. Please....believe me when I say it is possible to "love" someone to death. Our continued rescue denies them the right to take life saving responsibility for their actions. This person, like you, has a higher power. This higher power (no matter what you chose to call it) loves, cares, and has all the ability to carry this person through. Please relinquish him to that source that is never going to leave him.
Finally, are you going to Al Anon? Please do. I couldn't survive without it. Today, my husband is still actively drinking and bounces from place to place. Despite the fact that he has lost everything, he has done nothing to change. He isn't ready yet. There is nothing I will do or say to change it. Read my posts...I experienced a similar madness. Al Anon is a way to reclaim your life. Hugs!!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by bluejupiter 
But what if I can help him?? What if he let's me take him to the hospital? Sitting here helpless and waiting to see what happens next is killing me. He feels like everyone has deserted him. How will he ask us for help? I'm scared to death of what may happen to him. Him being arrested isn't my fear. I don't know why I'm so afraid he will die.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Mudgee NSW
Posts: 70
If he has a mental illness it is highly likely that he is not aware that he needs help. And from what you say it sounds like he isn't aware of where he is. What mental illness/disorder does he suffer from? does he have ahistory of self/other harm? suicidality? Paranoid delusions? Schizo-affective disorder? Drug-induced Psychosis?
If he is delusional or psychotic he is not going to ask for help because he is not capable of it. I think there is a difference between being mentally ill and on a bender, a big difference although the common thread is that in both circumstances there is a reluctance to seek help. It sounds awful.
In Aust over 80% of the homeless are people who have a primary diagnosis of mental illness and secondary diagnosis of substance (incl) abuse.
I don't think, although I don't know the full history, that I would label you or anybody else a "rescuer" if they brought their psychotic relative into casualty for assessment/treatment.
If he is delusional or psychotic he is not going to ask for help because he is not capable of it. I think there is a difference between being mentally ill and on a bender, a big difference although the common thread is that in both circumstances there is a reluctance to seek help. It sounds awful.
In Aust over 80% of the homeless are people who have a primary diagnosis of mental illness and secondary diagnosis of substance (incl) abuse.
I don't think, although I don't know the full history, that I would label you or anybody else a "rescuer" if they brought their psychotic relative into casualty for assessment/treatment.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by equinessa
If he has a mental illness it is highly likely that he is not aware that he needs help. And from what you say it sounds like he isn't aware of where he is. What mental illness/disorder does he suffer from? does he have ahistory of self/other harm? suicidality? Paranoid delusions? Schizo-affective disorder? Drug-induced Psychosis?
If he is delusional or psychotic he is not going to ask for help because he is not capable of it. I think there is a difference between being mentally ill and on a bender, a big difference although the common thread is that in both circumstances there is a reluctance to seek help. It sounds awful.
In Aust over 80% of the homeless are people who have a primary diagnosis of mental illness and secondary diagnosis of substance (incl) abuse.
I don't think, although I don't know the full history, that I would label you or anybody else a "rescuer" if they brought their psychotic relative into casualty for assessment/treatment.
If he is delusional or psychotic he is not going to ask for help because he is not capable of it. I think there is a difference between being mentally ill and on a bender, a big difference although the common thread is that in both circumstances there is a reluctance to seek help. It sounds awful.
In Aust over 80% of the homeless are people who have a primary diagnosis of mental illness and secondary diagnosis of substance (incl) abuse.
I don't think, although I don't know the full history, that I would label you or anybody else a "rescuer" if they brought their psychotic relative into casualty for assessment/treatment.
This is someone who chose to go back out and drink again.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Normally, jupiter, I tell myself that I have to do whatever I can live with. Sometimes that's meant that I do things that aren't great examples of detachment.
But my superhuman powers don't extend to someone whose mental illness has devolved so far that I can't save them. The best thing to happen to your X would be to get picked up and thrown in jail, and if you find out where he is, the kindest thing might be to call him in so that happens. Otherwise, what you are witnessing, hopefully, is him reaching bottom.
I'm sorry this is so horrible. My sister too became homeless, somewhat deranged, and relapsed many times. I had already done what I could, she had turned her back on the chances at sobriety she had. I found that no-contact -- with her and with anyone who was dying to give me news of her -- was the only thing that kept me sane.
You can only control you, jupiter. I hope he finds his way.
But my superhuman powers don't extend to someone whose mental illness has devolved so far that I can't save them. The best thing to happen to your X would be to get picked up and thrown in jail, and if you find out where he is, the kindest thing might be to call him in so that happens. Otherwise, what you are witnessing, hopefully, is him reaching bottom.
I'm sorry this is so horrible. My sister too became homeless, somewhat deranged, and relapsed many times. I had already done what I could, she had turned her back on the chances at sobriety she had. I found that no-contact -- with her and with anyone who was dying to give me news of her -- was the only thing that kept me sane.
You can only control you, jupiter. I hope he finds his way.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by bluejupiter
I don't know why I'm so afraid he will die.
Everyone dies. I can't control the how, when and where of it. My sister went through 3 bouts of cancer and I worried incessantly that I would receive a call saying she had died. Instead, I got a call that my 34 year old brother had suddenly died.
When my father was in the last stages of his cancer, he decided to forgo further treatment. My sister was very upset and cried and pleaded with him to keep getting the treatment that was making him feel like crap. I supported his decision to die. My sister was very angry about that, but she wanted him to do it FOR HER, so she did not have to go through the pain of him dying.
I went through a brief time a few years ago where I was extremely anxious about xAH dying and what I could have done to prevent it. Al Anon, therapy and reaching out to others helped enormously. I let go and have accepted I will probably hear of his death from the disease. Or not - I may go first.
((( )))
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 52
Thanks everyone. To answer some questions - he is bipolar and has also been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. (I didn't know enough about bipolar to be concerned when we met and he seemed fine - and the schizoaffective I didn't know about until his mom told me recently). Hes been clean before and was doing very very well. And yes he has been in jail recently and made every promise in the book - to seek treatment and meds, etc. He gets so distracted and I think his mind is going so fast - that he cant sit still long enough to be in a waiting room - he bolts. Something catches his eye and suddenly he needs to go to the bank or get his boots resoled or chop down a tree or some other totally random thing. He knows where he is, hes not completely out of touch but yeah - I'd say he is delusional. Finding things on the street and showing his parents and saying these random things are magical is pretty out there. I don't know what's the bigger problem, what comes first the chicken or the egg, regarding his substance abuse and his mental illness. Sadly I hope he gets arrested. At least then he's safe and warm and fed and out of harms way. I have no idea where he is. His parents brought him back to Boulder yesterday, but hes been in Denver a lot lately. He calls now and then - last night he left a voicemail that said "you fell in love with me!" and then he evidently was distracted and that was that. I'm afraid to answer his calls, he is impossible to communicate with and I'm afraid our conversations do more harm than good - for both of us.
He doesnt know where I live as I moved last weekend. I plan to keep it this way.
It is cold and snowing like crazy tonight. I just hope he is somewhere safe and warm. He told me last week that I could be sure hes warm "if you wish". it was as if he was saying I will let you take care of me. I tell him all the time to take care of himself.
He doesnt know where I live as I moved last weekend. I plan to keep it this way.
It is cold and snowing like crazy tonight. I just hope he is somewhere safe and warm. He told me last week that I could be sure hes warm "if you wish". it was as if he was saying I will let you take care of me. I tell him all the time to take care of himself.
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Join Date: Jun 2008
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Equinessa - no he doesnt have a history of suicide attempts or anything like that. Hes had 2 psych evals since October - both in hospitals - and he was deemed not a threat to himself or others so he was turned loose. He can be as normal as he needs to be when he needs to be. He's incredibly manipulative. But I do think hes gone downhill since the last eval. Its just incredibly frustrating when we know hes ill - but the 'professionals' say hes fine.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I chose to stay with my alcoholic boyfriend, Richard, until nearly the end of his life. For many years I, too, thought I had the power to keep him from drinking himself to death. But try as I might, I didn't have the power to help him, convince him to seek professional help, or to stop drinking. He seemed hell bent on drinking himself to death.
He drank himself to oblivion at home every night and at work every day. He couldn't sleep for more than an hour or two at a time--he needed to get up constantly during the night and ingest more alcohol. In the last few years of his life, besides one brief period of sobriety, I don't think there was a moment in the day when he wasn't drunk.
It was heartbreaking to watch someone I loved so dearly choose death over life. But that was his choice and I could nothing to stop him. He was, in essence, drinking himself to death right before my eyes.
Eventually, I decided that I simply couldn't stand by and watch him self destruct any longer, so I asked him to leave. Initially, I felt guilty for walking away from someone who was clearly impaired by alcoholism but over time I came to realize that it's not wrong or selfish to protect myself from harm. If I don't look after myself, who will?
It's OK to let him go. You have done nothing wrong.
He drank himself to oblivion at home every night and at work every day. He couldn't sleep for more than an hour or two at a time--he needed to get up constantly during the night and ingest more alcohol. In the last few years of his life, besides one brief period of sobriety, I don't think there was a moment in the day when he wasn't drunk.
It was heartbreaking to watch someone I loved so dearly choose death over life. But that was his choice and I could nothing to stop him. He was, in essence, drinking himself to death right before my eyes.
Eventually, I decided that I simply couldn't stand by and watch him self destruct any longer, so I asked him to leave. Initially, I felt guilty for walking away from someone who was clearly impaired by alcoholism but over time I came to realize that it's not wrong or selfish to protect myself from harm. If I don't look after myself, who will?
It's OK to let him go. You have done nothing wrong.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Mudgee NSW
Posts: 70
bluejupiter I know it's hard to "let go". I really do. My (today RAH) lived in squallor for what seemed an eternity to me. In our small town it was awful because i would see him when i drove by on my way to work. Dirty, unshaven, and homeless and evading the law although they could easily have picked him up, it is just that our local copper was also a friend of his and foudn it difficult also...........but eventually he had to.
The up side is that he had to face those DUIs, his addiction, his self, and face them alone. He did the jail, then 6 months of re-hab and then 6 months of real world sobriety..... and then we started talking. For me it has been worth it. I know that it is my decision. I know that I live with a recoverying A and I know that it could end any day...........
The up side is that he had to face those DUIs, his addiction, his self, and face them alone. He did the jail, then 6 months of re-hab and then 6 months of real world sobriety..... and then we started talking. For me it has been worth it. I know that it is my decision. I know that I live with a recoverying A and I know that it could end any day...........
Ph.D in insanity!!
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 698
What is it saying about your self esteem that you want a man who is mentally ill, dirty, homeless, an addict? This isn't love. This is feeling sorry for someone. You are holding onto hope of him turning into someone he just isn't.
Seriously, look deep into yourself and find out why you think you can help him. Sometimes they do not hit rock bottom. He's NOT helpless. He could find a shelter, he can find someone to make a phone call for him or dial a hotline for free. Don't think for a second he is helpless. You said he's called you right, then he can call a rehab. He will never hit rock bottom if someone bails him out of his misery. HE has to want it. Not you.
Seriously, look deep into yourself and find out why you think you can help him. Sometimes they do not hit rock bottom. He's NOT helpless. He could find a shelter, he can find someone to make a phone call for him or dial a hotline for free. Don't think for a second he is helpless. You said he's called you right, then he can call a rehab. He will never hit rock bottom if someone bails him out of his misery. HE has to want it. Not you.
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Join Date: Jun 2008
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Originally Posted by Stubborn1
What is it saying about your self esteem that you want a man who is mentally ill, dirty, homeless, an addict? This isn't love. This is feeling sorry for someone. You are holding onto hope of him turning into someone he just isn't.
Seriously, look deep into yourself and find out why you think you can help him. Sometimes they do not hit rock bottom. He's NOT helpless. He could find a shelter, he can find someone to make a phone call for him or dial a hotline for free. Don't think for a second he is helpless. You said he's called you right, then he can call a rehab. He will never hit rock bottom if someone bails him out of his misery. HE has to want it. Not you.
Seriously, look deep into yourself and find out why you think you can help him. Sometimes they do not hit rock bottom. He's NOT helpless. He could find a shelter, he can find someone to make a phone call for him or dial a hotline for free. Don't think for a second he is helpless. You said he's called you right, then he can call a rehab. He will never hit rock bottom if someone bails him out of his misery. HE has to want it. Not you.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Mudgee NSW
Posts: 70
Hey hang on there a minute Stubborn1. If someone says they love someone then they do.
Additionally, to love someone who has a mental illness or is an addict is not necessarily an indicator of low self esteem.
Additionally, to love someone who has a mental illness or is an addict is not necessarily an indicator of low self esteem.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
I hope he finds his way to the help he needs. I suppose he can't be relied on to take any medications he may have been prescribed for the bipolar or schizoaffective disorder? OR has he been diagnosed and treated for it?
It is indeed sad to watch/hear of all that is happening to him. All I can suggest is prayer/meditation to perhaps try to find acceptance of the unfortunate situation.
It is indeed sad to watch/hear of all that is happening to him. All I can suggest is prayer/meditation to perhaps try to find acceptance of the unfortunate situation.
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