recovery:it works if you work it!
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recovery:it works if you work it!
this is an update from my last post, where an issue in my relationship with my RABF had surfaced.
background: he and I both are in AA, I am in Alanon as well. He has 4 years in AA and I am on year 3 in AA this time, and have been in alanon on and off for 20 years.
The issue last week had to do with him yelling at my dog. I was very upset and felt that a non-negotiable boundary had been crossed. Yelling, for whatever excuse, is never okay in my world. To me, yelling is always about one person using intimidation, force and power over another. In a nutshell, I had seen my bf as a bully which fractured my respect and trust and safety with him.
What I did:
Day 1 - 2, I stopped in my tracks. Put on the brakes. I sorted my feelings and tried to focus more on MY side of the street. I came up with much. I acknowledged that I felt angry and sad, and confused. I felt unable to move forward with him ie: I no longer felt 100% comitted to this relationship as it was, yet I still felt deeply connected to him.
By Day 3 -5, I began to ask myself why I needed to have a relationship with someone who I felt I needed to teach, train, correct and, in other words 'fix'. I believe RABF is in denial about his emotional instability, just as an active A might be in denial about drinking being a problem. For once, I saw that THAT problem was not his, but mine since I agree to be in relationship with that person. I mean, I could always say "no, thanks". So, the next question I asked myself was "Whadya do when an alcoholic is in denial....to get them to get it?"
and then I GOT it.
I got my part in all of this. The quiet revelation that "I" do nothing, but that I Let Go and Let God returned. To me, letting go and letting god opens my inner ears and eyes to messages and guidance for the way to my own best growth and recovery. I no longer see myself as a victim, but as a co-creator in something awesome.
Coincidentally (after 5 days of no contact) that night, he called and said that he had been "doing alot of growing" since we last spoke. He addressed the yelling and said that when the dog took off, he had been in sheer terror that she might get hit by a car, and that he would have been responsible for that. He acknowledged his fault in not keeping her on leash. He apologised for upsetting me and hurting the bond of trust we have. It was sincere.
He said that he is working with his sponsor and other men in his men's group on learning better ways to manage intense feelings and even said he never wants to be the kind of man who uses intimidation or bullying and that his sobriety is all about him never hurting himself or another ever again.
And, in a moment of silly, he asked to put the dog on the phone so he "could let her know she is loved".
This was not an "eraser" conversation, wiping away all of the deeper issues, but it was a good beginning. We have been able to rebuild some of that trust and safety with one another, and it feels much improved. For today.
For me,the power of detachment WITH love, as opposed to cold indifference, heals me.
I did spend 5 days quite distant from him, not even in contact (cold + indifferent), but I knew enough to trust that relationship and communication is all about process, and that eventually, I would return to a detached and openhearted spot.
I just wanted to share, that recovery IS possible! It works if you work it~
background: he and I both are in AA, I am in Alanon as well. He has 4 years in AA and I am on year 3 in AA this time, and have been in alanon on and off for 20 years.
The issue last week had to do with him yelling at my dog. I was very upset and felt that a non-negotiable boundary had been crossed. Yelling, for whatever excuse, is never okay in my world. To me, yelling is always about one person using intimidation, force and power over another. In a nutshell, I had seen my bf as a bully which fractured my respect and trust and safety with him.
What I did:
Day 1 - 2, I stopped in my tracks. Put on the brakes. I sorted my feelings and tried to focus more on MY side of the street. I came up with much. I acknowledged that I felt angry and sad, and confused. I felt unable to move forward with him ie: I no longer felt 100% comitted to this relationship as it was, yet I still felt deeply connected to him.
By Day 3 -5, I began to ask myself why I needed to have a relationship with someone who I felt I needed to teach, train, correct and, in other words 'fix'. I believe RABF is in denial about his emotional instability, just as an active A might be in denial about drinking being a problem. For once, I saw that THAT problem was not his, but mine since I agree to be in relationship with that person. I mean, I could always say "no, thanks". So, the next question I asked myself was "Whadya do when an alcoholic is in denial....to get them to get it?"
and then I GOT it.
I got my part in all of this. The quiet revelation that "I" do nothing, but that I Let Go and Let God returned. To me, letting go and letting god opens my inner ears and eyes to messages and guidance for the way to my own best growth and recovery. I no longer see myself as a victim, but as a co-creator in something awesome.
Coincidentally (after 5 days of no contact) that night, he called and said that he had been "doing alot of growing" since we last spoke. He addressed the yelling and said that when the dog took off, he had been in sheer terror that she might get hit by a car, and that he would have been responsible for that. He acknowledged his fault in not keeping her on leash. He apologised for upsetting me and hurting the bond of trust we have. It was sincere.
He said that he is working with his sponsor and other men in his men's group on learning better ways to manage intense feelings and even said he never wants to be the kind of man who uses intimidation or bullying and that his sobriety is all about him never hurting himself or another ever again.
And, in a moment of silly, he asked to put the dog on the phone so he "could let her know she is loved".
This was not an "eraser" conversation, wiping away all of the deeper issues, but it was a good beginning. We have been able to rebuild some of that trust and safety with one another, and it feels much improved. For today.
For me,the power of detachment WITH love, as opposed to cold indifference, heals me.
I did spend 5 days quite distant from him, not even in contact (cold + indifferent), but I knew enough to trust that relationship and communication is all about process, and that eventually, I would return to a detached and openhearted spot.
I just wanted to share, that recovery IS possible! It works if you work it~
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Wonderful and insightful post.
Life is rarely easy; it's just plain hard work in relationships sometimes. But you gotta DO the work, and IF you do, you get results!
Thanks so much for sharing this real life illustration of such a piece of work. Like most people, I struggle greatly with just focusing on the next right thing, and not latching onto a particular outcome in my mind.
CLMI
Life is rarely easy; it's just plain hard work in relationships sometimes. But you gotta DO the work, and IF you do, you get results!
Thanks so much for sharing this real life illustration of such a piece of work. Like most people, I struggle greatly with just focusing on the next right thing, and not latching onto a particular outcome in my mind.
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 215
Oh dear...so you mean that RAH's yelling at my dog, and at me (at times) to get his way should not be OK? I know the answer. 
But after reading your very good post I suddenly feel very yucky... for allowing what I have. My biggest challenge is knowing what to do (other than retreat) when it happens.
Thanks for generating some healthy thought.
But after reading your very good post I suddenly feel very yucky... for allowing what I have. My biggest challenge is knowing what to do (other than retreat) when it happens. Thanks for generating some healthy thought.
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