mamaplus2kids

This pre-Christmas time is a difficult time for me. It is a month during which I am usually stressed, lonely and depressed. It is during these time that being alone is most painful. I am not really alone, as I live with my two small children (9 and 4). But I am usually alone in the sense of adult companionship. If I want to be with people, I have to make a huge effort to make plans with other mothers.

I love being a mother. It’s a lot of work. I spend most of my time cooking, cleaning, picking up, dropping off, and doing activities with my children. I have very little time for myself, and, definitely, very little time for a boyfriend or husband. Which is fine, I guess, because my boyfriend has no time for me or for my children.

Often, I fantasize about having someone who would love to spend time with us, someone who would act like a surrogate father to the children. I see that my little boy craves male companionship. He is really sad that his dad is so absent and unreliable. When my boyfriend does come over on rare occasions, my little boy clings to him and is so upset when he leaves.

I have been dating this man for about two years. We see each other 2-3 times a week... mostly in the late evening or for lunch. He satisfies a need in me for affection.

But, sometimes I feel empty and sad. I don’t know if it is a need for more in the relationship or if it is just me. I am prone to depression.

Right now, I feel myself distancing from my BF. I'm not ready to end the relationship, as I enjoy the rare moments we share. But, I know that I am limiting myself. I know that I should make myself available to other men, who might be willing to give more to the relationship.

spda

i think you should not put all your eggs in one basket...

if you are not truly happy with this man you have to look at yourself honestly...you stated that he satisfies a need in me for affection. is that worth hanging out with someone who doesn't complete the life you truly want?? just something to think about.

Lilyflower

Oh Mama sweety! Bigs hugs and love to you! I completely understand how you feel, as I used to feel the same way, even down to the depression. I was so afraid of being alone, and felt I needed someone to be in my life all the time to give me the affection, love, acceptance and warmth I longed for. Yet each time I looked out side of myself for those needs to be fulfilled I would in the end feel disappointed, lonley once more and sad.

I placed so much of my happiness on the behaviour and expectation of those around me, most particularly my partner that I placed huge pressure on him to perform. I have learnt that humans are not perfect, something we all know mentally, but yet we still expect people to act perfectly in the way they handle us! I have also learnt that is unfair and unadvisable to place my happiness in someone else's hands, as I will always run the risk of being disappointed.

Nowadays, I look inward at myself to provide the emotional security and stability I so long for. I know know that it can come from no where else, and as long as I trust myself to provide it, I will never be let down.

Now when I think why I was so afraid of being alone, I realise it was because, if someone else was not with me, distracting my thoughts, I would be left with myself, and quite honestly, I wouldn't know what to do with myself nor my emotions, which were uncontrolled and pushed me around from one extreme to another.

Now each day I love to spend some time alone, I spend my time listening to my thoughts, which can become so hectic, it can be hard to hear the thoughts rising and falling in my mind. I try to listen carefully and slow down the pace of the thoughts and hear what things I am saying to myself, what my fears are, my concerns, and even my joys, and I address them. I feel much calmer for doing this simple exercise and it actually gives me a happier mind and I feel more content being with just me. I am learning about myself every day.

This is just my experience and what I have found useful to help me feel better and tackle my depression.

As for your children, your time with them in your home is relatively a short one, and the situation will improve. Your son seems to be echoing your need of affection in his behaviour toward your partner, perhaps he is mimicking your behaviour? I would gentle re assure him that he is loved and cared for and that even though he doesn't see your partner all the time, that is alright because your partner and your son can both have their free time to share with the other people they love and do things they enjoy to do. It is important he is aware that human contact cannot provide him with the consistant happiness he wants, and that he can learn to do this for himself.

I wish you all much love and happiness

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx