How have ya'll dealt with your A's family?
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Birmingham, AL
Posts: 62
How have ya'll dealt with your A's family?
I would like to know how ya'll deal with your A's family?
My AH is close with his family whenever we argue. I do not know what lies he has told his family, but because of my covering for him, they don't know that he has a problem. I do know that he has told his family that he wants a divorce, and I know that they are avoiding me. Should I attempt to contact his family and correct the lies that he has told them? Should I rise above and let them think the worst of me? Should I be the one to let them know that he has a drinking problem?
Please share your experiences.
My AH is close with his family whenever we argue. I do not know what lies he has told his family, but because of my covering for him, they don't know that he has a problem. I do know that he has told his family that he wants a divorce, and I know that they are avoiding me. Should I attempt to contact his family and correct the lies that he has told them? Should I rise above and let them think the worst of me? Should I be the one to let them know that he has a drinking problem?
Please share your experiences.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Happyland
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You have to do what you feel lkie you need to do. I personally would not contact them regarding his problem at all. It is his problem to deal with. Besides, you know the old saying that blood is thicker than water. I had to learn to deal with myself and my own feelings. The more I involved in that process, the harder it got for me.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 46
Wasting Your Precious time ...
As Bailey says - blood is thicker than water. Just as you have your own support system, the A's support system is everything to him/her. A's will do ANYTHING to make sure their family will still be there for them, when their partners can stand no more!
In my experience, unless they get help and stay sober and healthy (both physically and mentally), they will put rose colored glasses over their family's eyes so that they will either not believe there is anything wrong with them OR that everything that went wrong is YOUR fault.
There is nothing you can do to convince them otherwise, for they will see the things the way they want (even if deep down they know it is the A's issue - and even though you think you're 'covering' for him - his family still KNOWS him, regardless of whether they talk about it with you).
Therefore, there is no point wasting precious time, worrying about what they may think (KNOWING that there is nothing you can do to sway their opinion). The only thing you can possibly accomplish is to infuriate the A.
Oh - I would love to see the justice of people seeing what I have seen and going through what I have, so that they would understand, but it isn't going to happen.
Here - WE understand though - if that helps
In my experience, unless they get help and stay sober and healthy (both physically and mentally), they will put rose colored glasses over their family's eyes so that they will either not believe there is anything wrong with them OR that everything that went wrong is YOUR fault.
There is nothing you can do to convince them otherwise, for they will see the things the way they want (even if deep down they know it is the A's issue - and even though you think you're 'covering' for him - his family still KNOWS him, regardless of whether they talk about it with you).
Therefore, there is no point wasting precious time, worrying about what they may think (KNOWING that there is nothing you can do to sway their opinion). The only thing you can possibly accomplish is to infuriate the A.
Oh - I would love to see the justice of people seeing what I have seen and going through what I have, so that they would understand, but it isn't going to happen.
Here - WE understand though - if that helps
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 52
My XABF treats his family like crap. Well - he is currently - he demands their help but then tells them to stay out of his life. He tells them they owe him everything because he is their son, and is furious when they dont give him what he wants. I email with his mom a lot, and she is very smart and very aware of what she needs to do and not do. She loves her son to death but will not enable him - which is why he gets so angry at her. When he is sober and in control, they are very, very close. His mom and dad would do anything for him to support his good decisions. It breaks my heart to see him put them through his drama. He has been scary and had his mom This close to calling the police. Last time i saw his dad he said he was just so sad, shaking his head and saying that was not what he raised - my bf was in prison gang skinhead scary looking biker mode. I really feel for his parents. I know his family life growing up wasn't perfect but they really love him. I like his parents a lot, we got along very well.
Someone told me once that they would be so angry that his parents didn't warn me what I was getting into. I cant hold that against them. They saw their troubled son doing well with a nice girl - they were hoping it would last. Why would they want to scare me away and **** him off? I cant hold that against them.
Someone told me once that they would be so angry that his parents didn't warn me what I was getting into. I cant hold that against them. They saw their troubled son doing well with a nice girl - they were hoping it would last. Why would they want to scare me away and **** him off? I cant hold that against them.
Last edited by bluejupiter; 12-07-2008 at 09:55 PM. Reason: edit for clarity
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My AH's family is aware he is an alcoholic, but they have a hands-off policy about it. It's not only that they can't do anything about his drinking, but they figure it's not their problem to deal with anyway. AH's family intellectualizes everything; emotions are generally avoided.
My AH spent a great deal of time speaking to his mom on Mothers' Day '07. She hasn't had anything to do with me since. It's kinda like I ceased to exist. Blood IS thicker than water.
I figure people will choose to believe what they wish to believe. I have better things to do with my time than expend any energy trying to make them understand that when my AH opens his mouth it's a bunch of b.s.
My AH spent a great deal of time speaking to his mom on Mothers' Day '07. She hasn't had anything to do with me since. It's kinda like I ceased to exist. Blood IS thicker than water.
I figure people will choose to believe what they wish to believe. I have better things to do with my time than expend any energy trying to make them understand that when my AH opens his mouth it's a bunch of b.s.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: canada
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My AH's family was protected about his drinking until recently. They never saw him drunk and I never told them and also covered up for him. I did this for over 20 years.
They know now of course as I left him a few months ago. I don't know what lies he told them but he has been able to manipulate them into rescuing him. My thoughts on this are:
none of my business
I maintain no contact with AH and his family - why put myself thru all that chaos, been there done that
as far as them needing to know the truth again not my business and not my responsibility
One of favorite sayings comes to mind:
"you can fool some of the people some of the time but you can't fool all the people all the time"
K
They know now of course as I left him a few months ago. I don't know what lies he told them but he has been able to manipulate them into rescuing him. My thoughts on this are:
none of my business
I maintain no contact with AH and his family - why put myself thru all that chaos, been there done that
as far as them needing to know the truth again not my business and not my responsibility
One of favorite sayings comes to mind:
"you can fool some of the people some of the time but you can't fool all the people all the time"
K
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
There was a time when I cared very much what my X's family thought about me....I had to get past that, because a) there wasn't a thing I could do about it, b) blood is thicker than water, and they would still side with him no matter, and c) really these weren't people I wanted to have as part of my life after we separated. If I met them on the street I would not want to be friends with them. I knew they were being lied to but I had to work really hard (at first) to say "what others think of me is none of my business." It became more natural after a while.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
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I am very close to my husband's family.
They dealt with P's father's alcoholism - and came out stronger on the other side. My mother-in-law has been a dedicated member of AlAnon for over twenty years, and both my SIL and BIL are "compassionately intolerant" of addictive behavior.
They are a great source of strength for me.
They love P.
Always have and always will, but they understand what alcohol does to a person and to a relationship. They've already seen a loved one die from the disease.
Most family members don't have that kind of perspective.
If they haven't lived it and recovered from it, they're probably going to want to blame another person for "the problem" instead of recognizing the problem's true source.
I'm sorry that you're in this position, jennygirl.
Everyone finds their truth in their own time.
You've found yours, perhaps your AH's family will follow soon after.
-TC
They dealt with P's father's alcoholism - and came out stronger on the other side. My mother-in-law has been a dedicated member of AlAnon for over twenty years, and both my SIL and BIL are "compassionately intolerant" of addictive behavior.
They are a great source of strength for me.
They love P.
Always have and always will, but they understand what alcohol does to a person and to a relationship. They've already seen a loved one die from the disease.
Most family members don't have that kind of perspective.
If they haven't lived it and recovered from it, they're probably going to want to blame another person for "the problem" instead of recognizing the problem's true source.
I'm sorry that you're in this position, jennygirl.
Everyone finds their truth in their own time.
You've found yours, perhaps your AH's family will follow soon after.
-TC
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