countrygal2008

My husband of 8 years finally hit bottom Wednesday night. It was like the demon came out in him, anger, violent. I took my kid & tried to leave. He was violent towards me & attempted to hurt me but stopped midstream & cried like a baby....held a gun to his head when I tried to leave. He left instead.
He checked himself into detox. BUT they are letting him out Monday night. They are putting him on depression meds(from what I can tell. & some dry out meds) They told him that he could do outpatient treatment & AA meetings instead of inpatient treatment. So come Monday night, do I let him come back home? I have talked to him & he's told me that he's sick & needs help & needs to break the cycle so my son doesnt end up the same way. (we are both from messed up homes) I know people can change. My dad changed for the last 15 years of his life when my mom got sick. He hit his bottom when mom almost died. My 1st husband, tried rehab 3 times & still is practicing but would sober up for years at a time before he'd crash again. I'm famailar with the alanon & that I have to be healthy. I'm just sitting here in a daze....not sure how I should feel. I'm glad that he realized he has a problem. Sad that it had to come to this for him to see it. Wondering if there is an "us" left.? if i should be supportive come monday or tell him to hit the road? any advice from the old timers??

marshallzhukov

Ma'am,
I have to warn you that most anti-depressants take considerable time, usually several weeks, to start working effectively, and even then, they will not necessarily stop an A from drinking. Furthermore if he is on 'dry out' meds, presumably benzodiazapenes, then that will further cloud his judgement at present. I strongly urge you if you decide to let him back in the house to take the necessary steps to prevent his access to his firearm(s), as that will endanger not just the lives of you and your child but himself as well.
I wish you the best of luck in this tough time you are having.

GiveLove

Sometimes, bottom is not bottom. I thought my sisters hit bottom a dozen times, but no: it kept on going.

Personally, I would not let him back in my home if he was violent toward me. Among a dozen reasons: what kind of message are you sending your kid? I'll tell you, because I lived it: It's okay to hit mommy. It's okay to live in madness. It's okay to live in fear. It's okay - we love him just as much as ever and we just hug him and hug him.

My advice is likely not the advice you want to hear. I am an adult child of alcoholics, and it took me to age 40 to find any sort of healing from the damage my weak, spineless mother and father allowed to happen in our lives by reliving that pattern over and over: abuse, reconciliation, abuse, reconciliation. Three guesses what pattern **I** thought was normal when I reached adulthood?

If you didn't have a child, I'd STILL advise not letting him back. You CAN'T keep him away from handguns, alcohol, or drugs -- he's a grown man and will make his own choices. Do a little research on death resulting from domestic violence. Not one of those women saw it coming that night. They all thought, "Oh, but this time it's different. This time he won't hurt me."

Up to you -- but since you asked for advice from the old timers, here's mine:

Protect yourself. Let him be sober for at least six months, preferably longer, before you allow him back in your life. He is not worth endangering you or your kid, I don't care who he is.

Stubborn1

Do you realize you just typed kids and gun in the same sentence and are STILL asking if you should let him back in your home? My personal opinion? HELL NO.

I have to agree that their rock bottom isn't always rock bottom and now if you let him back into your home after he had a gun in his hand AND was violent towards you, all you are showing him is that you will take him back. Next time if/when he drinks he may not be so kind to either of you.
No one changes in a week. NO ONE. Not even if there were a magic little pill. He's blowing smoke up your butt. If he were mentally right he wouldn't even want to go back in your home with the kids until he knew he was stable himself.
You really should go talk to a professional for the sake of the kids.

equinessa

I agree with GiveLove. You are in a very precarious position. Unpredictable and dangerous.

Does the detox know that he held a gun to his head and was threatening suicide in the last couple of days? If not they should be told either by you or by himself. If so than they should be referring him for a full psychiatric assessment to determine the risk of harm he represents to himself and to the community. From what you have posted there is every indication that he is at risk of harm to himself and others in this current state. In Aust that requires a schedule 2, (under the Metal health Act - forcible detainment and treatment in a containment unit) if he won't voluntarily accept treatment for suicidality/homicidality.

GiveLove is absolutely right. The DV stats are full to the rafters of people who were at breaking point and who had sought help and were discharged prematurely. Sometimes this happens because the demand on services is outstripped by those available meaning that there are no beds available to house the person in need of help. Sometimes it is because the services are not fully aware of how dangerous the situation really is because they have been given only half the story by the client themselves.

This is one area where I do have some experince and I can tell you now that a detox is the second port of call. The first is the assessment of risk of harm.

And GiveLove is right, you would be wise to relocate the firearms.

iamica

For the safety and well being of you and your child, I wouldn't get back together with him, at least not for a significant amount of time (if at all). I wish to God that my mother had had the courage to take me and my little brother out of a bad situation when my dad started drinking, but he messed up and she took him back, again and again and again. It wasn't until his final DUI, when she didn't have the money for bail and she ended up moving out of his house for 7 months, that Dad finally realized that he was about to lose everything and stopped drinking.
I'm not saying that your situation will be the same, but I am saying you shouldn't take him back right now. Maybe not ever.

countrygal2008

They did the assessment, said he wasnt a threat to himself. The only reason they agreeed to do the assessment is because of the suicide threat & thats why he's on a 3 day hold, after 2 days they still think he's not a threat. I know he told them as the hospital was the one who called me saying to remove all the guns from the home. I did ask him when he saw the shrink 2morrow about getting his own place to live until he well down the road on his recovery. I have been seeing a counselor myself for about 6 months because of this & its making me stronger. Havent seen her since all of this has happened though. I have read all the stats on dv, I agree I shouldnt let him back in. Why do I keep doubting myself then? I keep telling myself, but he's trying to change isnt that worth something? My son wants his dad back in the house. I've discussed it with him & he knows right from wrong etc. BUT as all of you have said, what message am I teaching him, ok to hurt Mommie & go on about our business......thanks so much for all your replies. I gotta keep working my program for my own sanity to be restored, its a long road but one I want to get back on & stay on.

Still Waters

Because we want to believe them. We want them to get better.

But, what we want and what is reality are often at odds with one another.

There is nothing wrong with insisting that he stay elsewhere until his recovery is proven and not just lip service. If it makes you feel better, think of it as temporary, and then set the boundaries. In active recovery for 3 months? 6? A year?

countrygal2008

I just spoke to husband tonight after he talked to his shrink. They moved it from "you'll get out tomorrow night" to maybe Tuesday or maybe later in the week. SO that's helpful to me to give myself more time to deal with it all & find him a house or apartment for when they let him out. I have done away with all the guns I could find. Hard to do when you are a hunting family, hopefully I found them all. I havent told him that he's not coming home, I did tell him next time he talked to the Dr to see what he said about coming home or going somewhere else. He said he'd trust the professionals to make sure that everyone is safe.
I want it to be all better but I need proof. as all of you said, they know the right words to say, but PROOF that maybe just maybe things could get better in the future, but its in the future not the present. I need to heal myself too & I know that's not an easy task or a quick one.

ellima01

Im an RN and work in a mental health facility- I know all about the 72 hour holds and then release.that does not mean that they are not still suicidal or homicidal- it only means they are not voicing that to the doctors- that is ALL the doctors go on is their word.If he is anything like my AH- I would not take his word.

Jadmack25

Read your post Countrygal, and my blood ran cold. Only 4 hours ago I got a call from my best friend, in a terrible state. Her 39 year old son tried to hang himself on Friday, was cut down by the police and taken to a psychiatric hospital. He was released as "no danger to himself or others", on Saturday night and sent home. This morning he was found dead, having succeeded in doing the job this time. Medication for depression takes a minimum of 1 month to "kick in", and treatment for an alcoholic showing violence and threatening suicide isn't in the quick fix area either. These 3 things together will need intensive treatment that takes a matter of months, not weeks or days. I agree with all the previous responses to your post, in that if he comes home before he has been thru detox, rehab and psychiatric help, your safety and that of your children could be at great risk.
You can give support to him even if he is living away from home for a while, no problem in doing that while he works on his recovery. Your first priority is your children's safety and well being, and that certainly can't be guaranteed if he comes home in the next week or so.

God bless

equinessa

Elima01 is right. Psychs can only act on what they know. But they do know that he held a gun to his head because the hospital rang and told you to get rid of them.....I imagine you did that as soon as he went in there.

Countyrgal, it sounds like you have some breathing space/time to rally some type of support for this sick man, other than yourself. I am not saying it is your responsibility to do so, but if it helps relieve the pressure on you it is a way of looking after yourself.

Let us know how you go.

Pajarito

This is what makes my blood run cold. . . In my experience here I have learned one thing- and I thank God every day for it- trust MY own gut. I needed to stop listening to and trying to appease everyone else. Your AH put a gun to his head! He was violent! I would run for the hills- so to speak. Actions always speak louder than words. If he is serious about getting better, about doing the right thing- he will show you in time.

Are you afraid of him? I would be. He's going to trust the professionals to keep everyone safe??? IMHO that is your job- to keep you and your children safe. Your AH is not capable of doing that- and the "professionals" are not either. I did not grow up in an alcoholic home, but it was violent. I can't count the number of times I heard my father say to my mother, "I'm going to kill one of them, you better stop me," when he was beating us. I am 45, and just now learning it is NOT ok to treat me like crap. Why is that??? I lived with violence as a child. I will no longer tolerate abuse of any kind from anyone. Please reread these posts and take care of yourself and your children.

miss communicat

okay,

here's my 2 cent's worth.

No.
and
No.

no, he is not fit to live at home, engaged in ongoing relationship and all the day-to-day stressors that that entails, with you and your child now, and he won't be for a year minumum.

no, you do not need to be finding HIM a place to live.
if you do trust the professionals, then have them mediate on your behalf in the discussion whereby he is told that he will need to find housing. BEFORE he leaves their care.

the reality is that nobody wants to confront him with this direct consequence. why? Because he is unstable, violent, and volatile. The fact that they've determined him to be "safe" does not follow precedent.

an aside; not all alcoholics are violent; not all violent persons are alcoholic. The point being that he has many problems, none of which have gone away.

You need to contact a professional or other advocate for women and children. Can you speak to someone at a domestic violence helpline about your resources where you live? At minimum, they will help you stay safe and give you the support you and your child need. Its not about him, its you and your child that matter.

I'm in AA. I know we can change. I did, and so have many others that i see daily in the rooms. But in order to change, to become healthy, an Alcoholic must surrender 100% & make recovery number one.

And allow the TIME it takes to heal, personally. The first year is often an emotional, financial and logistical mess. While hopeful for improvement, we are very often facing the wreckage in our lives, and it typically gets harder before it gets easier. The second year is still very difficult. By the 3rd year, a recovering alcoholic is starting to love himself and love life again and to begin to laugh and enjoy life more.


During that time, a marriage can certainly grow and endure, but any time added psycholigical issues such as depression, rage, violence etc are present, a separation is wise.

Please lcheck out alAnon again, and ook into the centers in your area and speak to someone on your behalf, rather than listening to him or the nurses who say he'll be fine. This is complicated, and I support you in being safe.

fff

Please consider getting a protective order and/or contact child protective services...I'm not a lawyer, but based on my personal experience, guns, violence or threats of violence against you or himself constitutes child neglect at the very least.

counselorK

I've prosecuted domestic violence cases for many years.

Your situation is serious and volatile.

You are in danger. Your child is in danger.

Please...do not let him back in the house.

Please...do not trust "the professionals" that say he is not a threat. The criteria they use defies logic.

Please...do not expect a restraining order to keep you safe.

I don't like to be alarmist, but I've seen too much. I think it would be a good idea for you to contact a domestic violence hotline and talk to them.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

TakingCharge999

Hi countrygal2008

I hope you find enough clarity to protect yourself and the kid.
PLEASE keep away from this man. You are still in time to avert a tragedy.

You are in my thoughts.

embraced2000

the hospital should be able to assist him in finding a half way house to go to and get his chit together.

when i first heard of half way homes, i was just horrified for my dear hubs to go to one. but most of them are very nice and are highly structured. they have counselors, nurses, everything they need to get better if they really want to.

6 months in one is not the least unreasonable. if he should go this route, you will be able to tell very rapidly if he is sincere in his desire for recovery.

i was married to a man much like you describe. i let him come back home many times after episodes like this, only for his behavior to escalate. it was very traumatizing and dangerous, to say the least.

best of luck to you