2 Years ago tonight ..........
Sober since 9th May 2008
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 2,973
2 Years ago tonight ..........
I came home from work as usual around 5.30, said a quick hello to my wife and 2 year old son, took a can of cola from the fridge and went upstairs for a quick shower.
Usual routine, lock the ensuite door, switch the shower on to warm up and take the half bottle of vodka out of the jacket pocket it was hidden in, down half of the bottle and wash it down with half the cola, pour the rest of the vodka into the can of cola, hide the bottle again and unlock the door, doesn't matter if someone come in now, just cola to see.
All day I would have been feeling edgy and shakey, wouldn't have had much, if anything for lunch, but now as I wash and the vodka starts to kick in I feel ok, come out the shower, dry off, finish the can of cola and downstairs for a good meal, half bottle now safely inside me.
Only tonight I was worried, can't go on like this, my wifes due to give birth in 2 weeks and I need to be able to take her to the hospital. Two years before when my son was born I stopped this routine for around 6 weeks before the birth but its lots harder this time for some reason, know I have to but thats weeks I've been thinking about it and haven't managed.
We had a meal and we put our son to bed, around 9.00 my wife started to go into labour, I'm panicing, its 2 weeks early, I'm not drunk as my body is well used to drinking a half bottle of vodka but no way should I drive.
My mum comes in to watch our son, by 11.00 we are ready to go, I drive to the hospital, its only 3 miles and thankfully the roads are quiet.
3.30 am the following morning my daughter is born, its fantastic, I drive home, getting in around 6.00, tell my mum the good news, she goes back to bed, I have a beer as the hangover is starting and I've had no sleep, its 7.30 and my son gets up. Make him his breakfast and tell him he's got a sister.
We go back to the hospital to see them at lunchtime that day, I don't drink throughout the day, I'm happy,I leave the hospital about 8.00 that niight to get my son to bed, soon as he's in bed though I'm into the half bottle of vodka I've picked up during the day.
As I drink it I'm relieved, relieved to have got away with it, relieved I didn't have to stop drinking.
I knew that night as I sat there I couldn't go on like that though, what if I'd crashed the car, what if a nurse had noticed I was drunk, what if the police had stopped me, was I trying to throw everything away ?
Even though I knew I had to stop, it was the following summer before I managed a decent length of sobriety, 10 weeks I did until I faltered and was back on the same old routine for another 9 months or so, then 9th May this year I stopped and here I still am.
Was that my rock bottom, probably not that bad compared to some people, but yes I think for me it probably was.
Nearly 7 months I've done now, I can't go back to the life I was living, I have too much to lose, my wee girl will be 2 tomorrow, my son is 4 and starts school next year, they need a dad I reckon.
As someone said to me, I'm lucky, if I get this right my kids will never remember me ever being drunk, that alone keeps me going.
I tell this story tonight because its in my thoughts due to my daughters birthday but also because I see some friends struggling just now.
I'm starting to believe I can really do this and if I can then so can anyone.
Usual routine, lock the ensuite door, switch the shower on to warm up and take the half bottle of vodka out of the jacket pocket it was hidden in, down half of the bottle and wash it down with half the cola, pour the rest of the vodka into the can of cola, hide the bottle again and unlock the door, doesn't matter if someone come in now, just cola to see.
All day I would have been feeling edgy and shakey, wouldn't have had much, if anything for lunch, but now as I wash and the vodka starts to kick in I feel ok, come out the shower, dry off, finish the can of cola and downstairs for a good meal, half bottle now safely inside me.
Only tonight I was worried, can't go on like this, my wifes due to give birth in 2 weeks and I need to be able to take her to the hospital. Two years before when my son was born I stopped this routine for around 6 weeks before the birth but its lots harder this time for some reason, know I have to but thats weeks I've been thinking about it and haven't managed.
We had a meal and we put our son to bed, around 9.00 my wife started to go into labour, I'm panicing, its 2 weeks early, I'm not drunk as my body is well used to drinking a half bottle of vodka but no way should I drive.
My mum comes in to watch our son, by 11.00 we are ready to go, I drive to the hospital, its only 3 miles and thankfully the roads are quiet.
3.30 am the following morning my daughter is born, its fantastic, I drive home, getting in around 6.00, tell my mum the good news, she goes back to bed, I have a beer as the hangover is starting and I've had no sleep, its 7.30 and my son gets up. Make him his breakfast and tell him he's got a sister.
We go back to the hospital to see them at lunchtime that day, I don't drink throughout the day, I'm happy,I leave the hospital about 8.00 that niight to get my son to bed, soon as he's in bed though I'm into the half bottle of vodka I've picked up during the day.
As I drink it I'm relieved, relieved to have got away with it, relieved I didn't have to stop drinking.
I knew that night as I sat there I couldn't go on like that though, what if I'd crashed the car, what if a nurse had noticed I was drunk, what if the police had stopped me, was I trying to throw everything away ?
Even though I knew I had to stop, it was the following summer before I managed a decent length of sobriety, 10 weeks I did until I faltered and was back on the same old routine for another 9 months or so, then 9th May this year I stopped and here I still am.
Was that my rock bottom, probably not that bad compared to some people, but yes I think for me it probably was.
Nearly 7 months I've done now, I can't go back to the life I was living, I have too much to lose, my wee girl will be 2 tomorrow, my son is 4 and starts school next year, they need a dad I reckon.
As someone said to me, I'm lucky, if I get this right my kids will never remember me ever being drunk, that alone keeps me going.
I tell this story tonight because its in my thoughts due to my daughters birthday but also because I see some friends struggling just now.
I'm starting to believe I can really do this and if I can then so can anyone.
Thank you fiz x
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: north yorkshire, england
Posts: 1,891
Just what I needed to hear tonight, Ive been so low and although I havent come close to going out to get a drink, its been in the back of my mind.
Ive seen people on this site falter (I tend to notice that more than the amazing success stories) and several alcoholics I know personally have gone back to the booze and they seem to be happy about it, so i started to wonder if I was making a drama out of a crisis.
My capacity for self delusion never ceases to amaze me, your story has reminded me of times when my drunkeness has put other people, as well as myself, in dangerous situations and the realisation that my only feeling after the event was relief that i got away with it.
Im pretty sure Im safe for tonight and tomorrow is another day and I will worry about it when it arrives, again thankyou for sharing something so personal and powerful. x
Ive seen people on this site falter (I tend to notice that more than the amazing success stories) and several alcoholics I know personally have gone back to the booze and they seem to be happy about it, so i started to wonder if I was making a drama out of a crisis.
My capacity for self delusion never ceases to amaze me, your story has reminded me of times when my drunkeness has put other people, as well as myself, in dangerous situations and the realisation that my only feeling after the event was relief that i got away with it.
Im pretty sure Im safe for tonight and tomorrow is another day and I will worry about it when it arrives, again thankyou for sharing something so personal and powerful. x
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
Fizzy, that was such a touching story. I wish with all my heart my husband (& son's father) would have been able to see things that way. We lost him to alcohol, though, he couldn't win the fight. Actually, he never really put his heart into it, though I know he loved us. I'll never understand.
I used to do the same sneaky things with booze - even hid it among some boxes in my office at work when I was really far gone. I could never make it through the day without my fix. The hell we go through - all the while convincing ourselves we can't live without it. I'm so glad you had the courage to want a new life, and glad you are here with us.
I used to do the same sneaky things with booze - even hid it among some boxes in my office at work when I was really far gone. I could never make it through the day without my fix. The hell we go through - all the while convincing ourselves we can't live without it. I'm so glad you had the courage to want a new life, and glad you are here with us.
6
Sober since 9th May 2008
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 2,973
Thank you for all the responses folks, means a lot, probably more than you know .................
Thing I didn't say in my story, yep I've been sober since 9th May, those of you that know me though, know I don't go to meetings or do anthing else, guess what I'm trying to say is that you good people here at SR are the major influence in why I'm still sober, I joined here on the 10th May, so thank you.
Thing I didn't say in my story, yep I've been sober since 9th May, those of you that know me though, know I don't go to meetings or do anthing else, guess what I'm trying to say is that you good people here at SR are the major influence in why I'm still sober, I joined here on the 10th May, so thank you.
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