Mark75

How do you think your spouse feels about your recovery, complete abstinence, and the changes it brings to your relationship?

I needed the imposed intervention and rehab that I experienced 12 weeks ago. I believe it was divine intervention.

I was a high functioning alcoholic (well, maybe those last 12 months or so, not so much - I just hid it, or thought I did). In fact, my wife used those words for the first time in therapy when she came to the family session. I wasn't abusive, although I was isolating, no DUI's, etc... I guess I had a high bottom, well I hope it was my bottom.

I will be in a monitoring program which will bring some stress to our lives. I go to AA most days and am therefore out of the house on those evenings. Group therapy every week. And because I am in early recovery, all the attention is on me. I am always reading recovery stuff, the big book, and she's intensely curious about why I am always on the computer (with SR...)

Before I went bad, many nice evenings in front of the fire with a drink (for me, a few...) and music, candles, etc. Fun times out, with friends who drink, me chillin' out with a few, etc...

I ask her (maybe I shouldn't...) sometimes if she thinks all the aspects of my recovery are worth it. Should I ditch the monitoring, find another career? Lighten up and try the normal drinking thing.

She hesitates, sometimes, with an answer. And she has wondered if the monitoring will be worth the hassle... I know she likes me sober, rational and sane. She was VERY worried about my dependence on alcohol and pills and had even thought, in passing, that I needed rehab.

But now the reality hits. Life just changed.

In the 4 weeks I've been home, we have grown into my recovery as well as any couple (family) could considering the major changes we are going through. She's she's away this weekend, visiting my daughter who is away at college. I guess I've had too much time on my hands. I'm feeling insecure.

I'm going to my favorite AA meeting in a little while, that should help.

least

I live alone, have for a long time, but my immediate family was delighted that I finally got sober and have been able to maintain sobriety. Sometimes they can be rather condescending but I know they mean well, so I take it with a grain of salt.

I know that being suddenly thrust into a program of sobriety is a huge change, for the alcoholic and his/her family. But you sound like you have a very supportive family and that's a huge help.

hugs for you!

Anna

Hi,

Recovery is definitely a time of many changes, and that includes our close relationships. My husband stopped drinking when I did, not because he ever had a problem with alcohol, but because he was appalled by what alcohol did to me. We never, ever have alcohol in the house, and I like that.

I am not an AA person, but I do read a lot about recovery and I am here at SR every day and have been for years. It's my lifeline. I don't go out as much as I used to and I'm fine with that. My life has become more simple and peaceful, and that is wonderful.

Jadmack25

Cubile. While I am thankful for my abf's sobriety "at the moment", I do so wish he would be open to working a recovery program as you are doing. Because of past rehabs he has been in since he was 23 (he's now 61), and being forced into AA meetings then, he says he just can't face going. For 18 years we have done the go it alone thing and it was just the "dry drunk" til he began drinking again, for times varying from 1 day to 15 months. It is like the sword of Damocles hanging over my head, knowing it will fall but not when it will fall.
Trust me, having him doing what you are doing would make my heart sing.

God bless you and may you stay strong.

Mark75

Thanx for those encouraging words. I guess I'm still insecure and dealing with a bit of shame leftover from my much needed intervention and the subsequent consequences.

I'm sorry that your ABF can't bring himself to go to AA. Besides the love and support from my wife, punctuated by some displays of resentment (she is only human...), AA is the one reliable thing that pulls me out of my self pity and sadness. I've been out of my 8 week rehab a little more than a month, and my involvement in AA has become a shining bright spot in my many days of worry.

Maybe he'll change his mind...

Thanx again for yours, and everyone's, reply !!!

Mark

Sugah

I got sober single, and though I'm married now, my husband is also in recovery. So, we run in the same circles. We speak the same recovery language.

Has your wife found an Al-anon group? Alcoholism changes relationships, whether we're talking about active alcoholism or recovery from alcoholism. I've talked to many people getting sober who have spouses who don't understand the time and devotion it takes, especially in the beginning.

One of the wives of a home group member was active in Al-anon, and she decided to start her own group. It meets at the same time as the AA meeting, and afterward, we all go out for pizza. I know the spouses of many of my home group members as well as I do the home group members themselves. Including partners in the social aspect of the fellowship has gone a long way towards acceptance in the partners.

Just an idea.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

nolawench

My sobriety has definitely changed my relatioinship. All in good ways. My husband has his wife back, not the slug who would sit on the couch for weeks on end only to get up to go get another bottle.
He no longer has control of my debit card or car keys, can trust me with the till at the restaurant, etc...
He is a Non A drinker, as is his daughter and her BF who live with us, as are all of our employees. No one has to hide their beer or wine when I'm around anymore. I told them to leave it out, I have to prove it to myself that I can see it sitting there and not touch it, hell I don't want to touch it. I know now that it will kill me.
They are all amazingly supportive of me and the program I'm working. Will cover me at the restaurant when I'm going to a meeting, or if I just need to go take a walk or something.
So yes there are changes, and thankfully they have all been posotive ones.

Mark75

Well, you can count my wife as one of those who don't understand. She has resentment over the disease, big time. Both how it affected us while it was active (mostly I isolated, alot, and lied about my use of alcohol, pills) and how it is affecting us in my early recovery. We had a tough time last night... she is so tired of it being "all about you".

She has no plans to do anything like al-anon. I don't see it happening, ever.

But she does, most of the time, give me unconditional love and support. She forgives me for the havoc my crash and burn in September created and continues to cause.

She gets burned out. I understand. Sometimes, though, it gets so "not pretty".

Mark

Mark75

Hi Nola,

Sometimes, especially when I'm not feeling strong, I can't be in the same room as my wife when she has her one drink for the night. Last night was one of them. It was sad. She'd been away for the weekend visiting our college daughter. I was looking forward to seeing her, she was looking forward to telling me about the weekend. But when she poured that glass, well, it was hard. I told her I'd wait for her in bed and then we could talk. Well, as it turned out, then we could fight. She had big time resentment, "it's all about you", "can't you just suck it up?"...

As I said above, she's loves me, is supportive and we have been attached at the hip for like 32 years... my soulmate.

Early recovery is hard, really hard, for both of us.

I'm glad you are doing well, I wish I could not let others drinking bother me all the time. Sometimes I'm OK with it. I know it will get better and I'll be OK with it most of the time....

Thanx for your response...

Mark

parentrecovers

be patient with yourself, and your wife. hugs, k

Tazman53

Cubile I have been sober for 27 months, my wife sounds an awful lot like yours, it got better for us, I do not need near the number of meetings I did in EARLY sobriety although I still consider my self new to sobriety.

My wife on occasion still gets a bit bent on occasion when I go to a meeting or a sponsee calls at dinner time, but the vast majority of the time now she is more then supportive. My wife does not like Alanon in my area, but Alanon is like AA, it varies from area to area and meeting to meeting.

I only go to 3 meeting consistantly a week, but sometimes I add more in as needed, my wife loves her new husband today but I can still get on her nerves!!!! LOL

Mark75

Thanks for that Tazman - I try to stay hopeful, and really am... recovery, like the disease, affects every aspect of one's life... I guess

Mark

doorknob

My gf (who I live with) thinks I'm being a wuss and should just get over it. She resents meetings, and especially SR...

getr345

At first, my wife did not understand why I quit drinking, nor did she think I needed to (denial), but here we are, 60 plus days later and I think she is happy with the new me, the new us, and the new life we are living without excessive booze. She still drinks occasionally, but nothing like before and I think she finally realizes that not only am I helping myself by not drinming, but in a way I'm helping US too.

mle-sober

Yikes, Doorknob. That sounds like an extreme reaction. I'm sorry you're getting that kind of static from your gf. That's so completely lame.

Cubile, my non-A-husband is also sometimes resentful. Of the time I spend here at SR, of the way sobriety has pulled my attention and focus to a different place. He would be horrified if I drank again. But he doesn't seem to think that I need to give it as much attention as I do. (Kind of like a nicer version of "why can't you just suck it up?")

All I can really do is stick to my recovery path, take care of myself and steer clear of any underhanded or sideways resentment he throws my way. I don't even think he knows he's doing it.

Things in our household have really changed. I can be clear about what I need and I can ask for it. Before, everything happened in a drunken fog so it always ended up just a big messy fight. But I can actually hold onto a thought now and communicate it. I can hold my boundaries a lot better - way better actually. I can be firm. And I can take care of things without him needing to make all the decisions. I think those changes are hard for him.

And to be truthful, it's not entirely clear we're going to be able to make it. We're in marriage therapy once every other week. But I don't see us making huge progress. I'm just doing my best each day as each day arrives.

shaun00

hi cubile75 and thanks for the post...a diificult one as relationships in early recovery are......

Im a chronic alcoholic so maybe it a bit more cut and dry.
My now wife was there briefly at the end of my drinking.

I dont function at all while drinking....normally end up in hospital within two weeks....dry up and start again.

There is absolutely NO control element in my drinking. I drink 24/7 till hospital or jail or both.

So my wife is only too happy that i live a life of total abstinance.

She drinks at home sometimes and there is also alcohol in the house on occations.

She is one of those weird people that dont like getting drunk
And is happy to drink half a glass of wine and forget its there!!!!

I have to remember that alcohol is not bad.......just ME and alcohol is bad.

Early recovery can sometimes feel like a minefield of emotions and feelings.

Im sure with a supportive partner like that, both of you will make the right decisions.

take care....trucker