Guilt
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 80
Guilt
I'm trying to face the fact that I cannot have - and don't want - a relationship with my only brother at this time. I'm not good for him - I'm a total co-dependent personality - and God knows he's not good for me. I'm close to a breakdown, and so is my elderly mother. We know we can't help him, but the alternative (his death) is so hard. Basically, I don't want to watch my brother die by inches. I don't want to be the one he "checks in with" to prove he's not drinking, because when he doesn't (like today), I go crazy worrying. I don't want to be the one, and I don't want my mother to be the one, that somebody calls when they find my brother in need of a trip to the emergency room or detox. I feel guilty about all of this; how can I turn my back on my own brother when he's struggling? How can I pawn off his problems on someone else? Isn't it OUR responsibility, as his kin, to deal with his stuff?
But the real kicker - what I feel most guilty about, and find it hardest to admit - is that I don't want a relationship with my brother when he's sober, either. I love him very much, but my relationship with him for the past 25 years has been entirely about pain, hurt, disappointment, fear, dread, hopelessness, whether he's been drinking or sober. And even when he's been sober for periods of time, he hasn't expressed much interest in having a relationship with us. We'd hear from him occasionally; he'd make promises to do stuff for us (e.g, mow the lawn) and not follow through, he'd say he was coming to a play I'm acting in, then not show, decline to come to family events or relatives' funerals, yada yada yada. My brother has always put himself first, apparently without feeling any guilt, so why can't I do the same?
One of my brother's counselors at his last treatment center said, "You are mourning the loss of a relationship you never had." It's true ... and it's not my fault ... so why do I feel like such a heel for wanting off this handcar to hell? And why do I continue to love someone who loves his drug more than his family or his life?
But the real kicker - what I feel most guilty about, and find it hardest to admit - is that I don't want a relationship with my brother when he's sober, either. I love him very much, but my relationship with him for the past 25 years has been entirely about pain, hurt, disappointment, fear, dread, hopelessness, whether he's been drinking or sober. And even when he's been sober for periods of time, he hasn't expressed much interest in having a relationship with us. We'd hear from him occasionally; he'd make promises to do stuff for us (e.g, mow the lawn) and not follow through, he'd say he was coming to a play I'm acting in, then not show, decline to come to family events or relatives' funerals, yada yada yada. My brother has always put himself first, apparently without feeling any guilt, so why can't I do the same?
One of my brother's counselors at his last treatment center said, "You are mourning the loss of a relationship you never had." It's true ... and it's not my fault ... so why do I feel like such a heel for wanting off this handcar to hell? And why do I continue to love someone who loves his drug more than his family or his life?
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
you may be showing your brother the ultimate act of love by refusing any contact.
i understand how hard it is....with my xah and my sister. i had to totally detach from my sister because of her alcoholism. it was just too painful for me.
do you ever watch "INTERVENTION"? do you attend al-anon?
i had to learn to love my alcoholics from afar. and pray for them. they are very sick.
but we cannot help them. staying involved in their lives only prolongs the agony for us, and they just continue as is everything is hunky-dory.
i understand how hard it is....with my xah and my sister. i had to totally detach from my sister because of her alcoholism. it was just too painful for me.
do you ever watch "INTERVENTION"? do you attend al-anon?
i had to learn to love my alcoholics from afar. and pray for them. they are very sick.
but we cannot help them. staying involved in their lives only prolongs the agony for us, and they just continue as is everything is hunky-dory.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I love my alcoholic brother from afar. I have to.
There is no shame in not liking someone -- even if that someone happens to be related to you by blood. You can't force yourself to like being around somebody....you either do, or you do not.
Of my eight immediate family members, four have died, three I can't hack being around, and one is my best friend.
That's just the way it goes sometimes.....it's books, TV, movies, and anthropology that's telling us we're supposed to WANT to be best buds with our family members. I find that my family of choice (friends, mentors, extended family members I resonate with more) is much more enjoyable and nourishing to be around.
There is no shame in not liking someone -- even if that someone happens to be related to you by blood. You can't force yourself to like being around somebody....you either do, or you do not.
Of my eight immediate family members, four have died, three I can't hack being around, and one is my best friend.
That's just the way it goes sometimes.....it's books, TV, movies, and anthropology that's telling us we're supposed to WANT to be best buds with our family members. I find that my family of choice (friends, mentors, extended family members I resonate with more) is much more enjoyable and nourishing to be around.
You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves ..."
-Mary Oliver
You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves ..."
-Mary Oliver
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