steve137

i need to talk to my gf very soon about this situation of the evidence of her use. any help would be appreciated regarding how to bring it up and what to say.

cassandra2

What is it that you are wanting to accomplish by confronting her?

Are you wanting to confront her about her addiction? Or are you wanting to confront her with ultimatums?

Please give a little more info,...

steve137

both i guess. hersister found a lot of used heroin bags, crack pipes and lots of other things a couple months back. she claims to not be using but more stuff gets found. i dont fully believe she isnt using. she is living at home at 30 for the past 5 months and has saved nothing to move out. i need to see she can do more forherself. i need to know for sure she is clean andcan stay clean for like 6 months. plus i am not liking her daily pot smoking as i have recently quit.

steve137

i am also afrain i will not be strong enough to lay down an ultimatum and will buy into possible lies. i wantto believe she is not using but there was way too much stuff found in her room the part two months.

cassandra2

Ok well the last thing that will be productive with an active addict is a confrontation. She will lie. No doubt. Then you walk away thinking YOU were wrong and how bad YOU feel. That will get you no where.

I really can understand that you want her to become something that you know she is capable of but the REALITY of the situation is that she is 30 and is living at home. She has no desire to change that right now. If she did you would see proof of that in her actions. You know she can do more for herself but you knowing and her doing are two different things. And right now her actions say she is content with the way her life is.

Honestly, I feel that you would be wasting your time with trying to confront her. When people want to change they will. When people feel pressure to change they run the other way. Especially if she is an active addict. She doesnt want to change and you arent going to make her NO MATTER what you tell her....

I am sorry for your situation and I know that you think my response sounds harsh but really the truth sometimes hurts.

I would walk away and then wait and see what she does. If she really wants to change she will. If she doesnt she wont.

steve137

i can agree withthat. i guess i am at a loss as to what to say, how to approach it. or it is a simple as me saying i cannot have any use around me, we need to take a break to see where we (meaning her) go, where we are at in a couple months

Abundance

Confronting her without placing a boundary for yourself...... (having a plan for whichever outcome)....... is just fueling the cycle of a dysfunctional relationship. There are so many times that I have confronted and then the problem just gets bigger! BECAUSE there is no boundary that has been put into place........ and 90% of the time - there is some lie that is OBVIOUSLY a lie that is imposed on to me as if it were the truth - and my head just spins!

So.... how about this.

What are you confronting?

What if she tells you the truth that you truly feel to be the truth? Then what? What is your boundary? How will you act? Will you be able to let it go?

What if she tells you an obvious lie to get around it? Then what? What is your boundary? Do you interrogate further to find the real truth.... or to try to make her know that you really know the truth and that you know she is lying? Or do you have a plan on what to do next in order to stop the crazy cycle?

What if she doesn't want to talk about it and goes totally on the defense..... like BACK OFF? What then?

Do you see how it all just fuels the crazy cycle????

steve137

abundance- i see it happening much like that, that is why i am not sure of how to do it or what to say. i know she is a good liar and manipulator. i know it is likely she wont admit anything unless she really breaks down, then i can only point her where to go and to seek help and see what is the outcome

cassandra2

Acceptance is right about boundaries. This is why I would say confrontation is not a good idea.

I would keep it simple and tell her that things arent going good in the relationship for YOU and you would like to take some time apart. Step back and see where the chips fall. Even if she wasnt in active addiction what is she offering the relationship TODAY? Anything positive? What are YOUR goals? Where do you see yourself in a few years?

Now look at her situation does it match up with where you see yourself going? Sometimes in relationships we try to force things to be a certain way and sometimes they just cant be the way we want them to be.....

steve137

cassandra2- that is all true to. i am not sure where the relationship is going. i am tryingto meet my goals. it doesnt feel healthy, but we have a past history. i guess i know we really arent that great together. maybe we both WANT to be great together.

cassandra2

I can understanding wanting to be with someone. But if that someone is not meeting your basic needs in the relationship whether it be because of drugs or circumstances how long are you willing to tolerate your needs not being met?

Of course you are looking back and seeing the history. Most people do when they are contemplating leaving the relationship. But you also have to know when it is no longer healthy for YOU to be in the relationship its no longer how good the past was but how good is TODAY?

I left my ex 2 months ago for because of his addictions. I sat for weeks crying about they way things used to be. It took me a long time to understand that there is a BIG difference in TODAY vs. A YEAR AGO. That person is no longer around. Its painful yes but then how much MORE does it hurt to continue being with someone who is so clouded they cant meet your basic needs for companionship.

If you feel you must confront her then I would take the advice of Acceptance. Set some boundaries for yourself and stick to them. Remember this really is all about YOU and how to make things better for you and your life. If she happens to be a healthy factor then hey great but if not then hey great there are plenty of other better opportunities out there.....

Ann

Steve, I have been following your posts and I think the truth is pretty obvious regardless of what she says.

The thing is, how long do you want to live like this? What have you done to help yourself here? If there are any meetings near where you live, why not try some. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

I wish you well, however you handle it.

Hugs

winnie12

I agree with the others. confronting when someone isnt ready doesnt get through to them. instead of contronting her with what changes you want HER to make confront her with the changes YOU are making. This is your life and you have to set boundaries that someone else cant break without consequences. its only fair to let someone know what your boundaries are and what will happen if your boundaries are crossed. Be prepared that whatever boundaries you set are ones you can live with - if they cross the boundaries and there are no consequences then the boundaries are useless. If you think that by setting boundaries she will want to change then you are fooling yourself. Boundaries are not for them they are for us. You cant do anything to change her.

I told my AS in court before being released the first time that when he came home he was to follow my rules and not break any laws and if he did I would turn him in - I did this publically so that he could never deny that i forewarned him. Of course he still did and I called the law. After a couple of times he realized that I was serious. Did it help him clean up - NO. Did it bring peace back to my life - YES.

jerect

Steve, I have to agree with the others and from my own experiance that confronting her is not going to solve the problem.. I think it's going to just cause you more frustration, more anger and more chaos..

Cassandra hit the nail on the head when she said
and this...

If nothing changes then nothing changes and as Cassandra has stated she is content in the way she is living her life right now.. she is having to much fun drugging and partying to want to get clean.. plus she is 30 and living at home... Someone I'm guessing her parents are probably enabeling her..

I would confront her by just ending the relationship.. tell her that her lifestyle is not one that you find acceptable and that until she cleans herself up and stays sober then your relationship with her is over.. and just walk away..

Steve, you have to think about what you in this situation.. You cannot feel guilty for breaking off a relationship that is causing you this much discomfort.. You said yourself that this relationship does not feel healthy... thats because it's not healthy...

your GF is going to try to make you feel guilty because as an addict she will blame everyone else for her problems except for herself.. Don't listion to her quacking... Just walk away and work on yourself... figure out why it is that you had such a hard time letting go of this unhealthy situation.. that way you hopefully will never find yourself here again with your Gf or with someone else..

cassandra2

I also want to add this...Steve please dont think we are all telling you you should dump you gf because we are all heartless. Thats not it. Thats not it at all. Its just that we have all been in your shoes and know where that path is leading.

If you wanted to go to a great restraurant in your town and wanted to know if any of your friends had tried it you would call some friends and ask them. Lets say you call a friend and that friend says the place was terrible. They got so sick from their food and missed 3 days of work. Ok you say lets call another. You call another friend. They tell you the place was terrible and they would never go back. Ok now that is two people now you start thinking of a different restraurant.

This is kinda the same thing. Your friends told you the truth so that they could save you the trouble of what they experienced.

That is what we are doing. As harsh as it may seem. The path of a drug addict is the same no matter what type of drug they are using. There is no doubt that addiction is a progression. It does not get better. Even in recovery addicts struggle to relearn how to be a human being. We all know these things and see the road that you are on and we are all holding up danger signs because we know the cliff that is coming up ahead.

Please find the strength in yourself to understand that its not you and it will NEVER be about you. She is an addict you know that in your heart. You already have the answer sometimes its just easier to look the other way. I read your posts and I see the desperation in your posts. I know you wanna believe that she isnt using or maybe that its not that bad.

Find it within you to do what is right for you....You cannot nor will you ever be able to save another person that wants to destroy themselves......

SHAMAN

I, in my insanity, attmepted the, "Liar, liar... pants on fire.", strategy. Even tried 'shaken addict syndrome'... you know, where you grab them by the shoulders, shake, and ask, "What the hell is going on?"... but it only made my tired my arms and made my head spin.

It just doesn't work no matter how well planned out until a person is ready. I have some beautifully articulated speeches in my head that would inspire a rational person. However, the disease of addiction is cunning, baffling, and powerful so I choose to keep my words to myself.

Please allow me to share some words that help me to place my focus where it should be... not always easy, but I find these words so true for ME.

"And acceptance is the answer to ALL my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation- some fact of my life- unnacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake." "...unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes."

This, my friends, is found in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, but I find 'truth' to speak to me in many forms and from many sources. As difficult and 'unjust' it may be that I prepared and planned my life upon the promises, words, and 'commitments' of another, it always comes back, for me, to changing my own thinking (attitudes, motives, behavior). I pray a very simple prayer asking God grant me new ears with which to hear.

Many Blessings,
Shaman

jerect

I'm printing this out and putting it on my desk at both work and at home..... That is the truest statement of acceptance that I have ever read...