caseykey14

This is my first posting and Im desperate. I read ur story about ur mother and i feel as if my mother is on the same destructive path. She is an alcoholic and takes furinol as if they are candy. She gets black out drunk and there is no controlling her. She has been arrested four time this year, 1st time was for a dui and the last 3 times have been for drunk and disorderly and domestic battery. She was also bakeracted two years ago for trying to kill herself. It seems everytime its getting worse. I have two older sisters and we just dont know wat to do. We have tried the tough love route, the caring and comforting route and we are all out of ideas. Im scared that next time the phone call isnt going to be from the county jail but from the morgue. She was arrested last nite for drunk and disorderly and now my one sister wont speak with her and kicked her out of her house. This all started when she got this new boyfriend and he is such a low life, constantly in and out of jail and cant hold a job. He is an alcoholic as well. This **** is tearing apart my family and I have always been the strong one and the one who held this crazy family together. I just dont know what to do anymore and I feel like its my responsibility to keep us all together even though im only 23 and the youngest. I want to help her but she is making it so difficult. Any Ideas?? Im desperate...

Peter

Welcome to the forums caseykey. The others will be along shortly to address your questions. Good luck to you.

cassandra2

Welcome to SR. Sorry that you are feeling so desperate....

I know that feeling all to well. I wish that there were some kind of magic words that I could tell you to use and it would all go away but there isnt.

As all of us have come to learn there is NOTHING you can do. I have battled for months trying to get my ex off of his doc to no avail. I watched the downward spiral of another human being and tried like heck to stop it. That is eqivualant to standing in front of a train trying to stop it from going down the track.

My heart truly goes out to you because I know the helplessness you feel. I know the desire to try and fix it and you just cant. I wish I had better things to say but I dont. Addiction is a terrible thing and hurts the people that love the addict the most. I love my ex with all of my heart but drugs took his ability to love me and my kids back.

Here is a poem that is commonly seen on this site. Read it. Print it. Burn it in your heart because it really truly is the way to deal with addicts.

IF YOU LOVE ME, LET ME FALL

IF you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me, don't throw a pillow under my ass to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it, don't stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall, (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me)

Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit....trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me.....The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours....the sooner I will arrive....and on time....just right where I need to be...me, alone all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead...resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one.

It I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile, I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning as I start to climb out....I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound.

Don't you see?? Don't you know?? You can't do this for me...I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever supposed to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours.

I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart and from knowledge of what is best for me....but if you truly love me, let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good.

Don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly....nudge me out of your safety net....trust the process and pray for me.....that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar.

Prayers to you and your family. Keep reading and posting.....

winnie12

You are only 23 and this is too much responsibility to put on yourself. (In fact even if you were 53 I would say this is too much responsibility to put on yourself.) You should be focusing your time on starting your own life not on fixing other peoples lives and solving their problem. You cannot ever be responsible for keeping your entire family together or keeping your mother safe - there are other people involved and they are each responsible for their own part. I cannot imagine the abandonment that even at your age a child would feel when a parent acts like the child but you have a choice to make. Will you become your mom's caretaker and the fixer of everyone's problems or will you love them from a healthy distance and allow yourself to have the life that you deserve? Get into some counseling or an alanon meeting as soon as you can - it will help to prepare you for what you are going through as well as help you to see that you can best help them and yourself by allowing each person to live their own life and deal with the consequences of their own actions. It is so sad when those dreams of our youth are crushed like this - its not the way we thought it would be and its not the way it should be but you can allow it and them to control you or you can learn to control your own life. I'm sending you huge Mom hugs and lots of prayers.

shockozulu

Hi, my mother's Drug of Choice was Fiorinal. I was the one who took care of her addiction (hiding it from others, calling her in sick etc) until I was your age. Then my grandfather took over, and set my sister up as my roommate while he tried to control her addiction. He doled out her meds, hid the rest etc. She always found a way to find them. He would have to kick her awake some mornings as she had nearly OD'ed. It wasn't until his death that she didn't have anyone to take care of her.

Don't do what we did. Take care of yourself first. Trust me, I've been where you have been and my mother gained nothing from my "help"

rozied

Everyone has told you that there is nothing anyone can do & unfortunately they are right. All of us who come here love an addict & realize by coming here that to help them is to hurt them and all the " normal " things you do when you love someone well those rules don't apply when it comes to the disease of addiction. The most loving thing you can do is not to help her because then you are enabling her. Cass gave you excellent advice and by posting " If You Love Me Let Me Fall " you can see why.
How can you save someone from themself, it is impossible.
Please keep coming to this Forum, it will help you cope with all of it. Welcome to SR.
Diane

marle

I agree with the others and would like to add that if you can find a way to go to an Al-anon or Nar-anon meeting they can truly be a lifeline for you and teach you a better way to live. Hugs and welcome, Marle

katie44

Welcome to S.R., your story is very much like mine. Fortunately I was not raised with an alcoholic she started drinking heavily when I turned 20, by the time I was 23 she was out of control. I had two younger sisters. My mother was married to a police officer and he left her. She too kept company with low lifes after becoming an addict. I blamed them, however it really has nothing to do with them. Your mother is keeping company with those around her that will indulge with her. She had several attempt suicides, impaired driving etc. I did everything as you have done and you know what nothing worked. Until she is ready to get help there is not a thing you can do to help. What you can do is help yourself and take care of yourself. If we let them addicts will drain us emotionally and financially. The above posting from Cassandra is true to the heart, I am also the mother of AS I have read that posting over and over a million times it will give you peace and understanding. I know she is your mother and I feel your pain. Please keep coming back to S.R. You are in our prayers.

Chino

The only people in your family you can help stay together are the ones who want to be there.

I watched three adult siblings when my daughter was in rehab. They really had my attention because they had personality differences but a common goal -- doing the right thing for their mother and themselves.

When it came time to confront their mom, the common theme was to stop playing the siblings against each other. They said no more conversations about the others, if she had an issue with one of them to take it up with them. They agreed not to listen to complaints about each other from her.

If one of the siblings took in their mom they didn't get to complain about her with the others. Instead they asked each other to attend 12 step meetings.

They realized they couldn't expect their alcoholic mom to stay sober and respect their boundaries so they decided to respect each others instead.