drainedwife

So its been 3 years since I have confronted my ah about his drug use. How long he was using before that, im not sure. Anyway, during this time i have put up with more **ap than I care to say or remember. I know that I do not deserve this life, i know that this is just not good enough for me. All of the deceit and lies, the verbal abuse, physical abuse, emotional and psychological abuse....why do i choose to stay?? I know it is against my better judgement, i beat myself up about not protecting my kids as best as I can, so what is wrong with me that i do not get out of such a bad situation??? I know I am in my comfort zone, im in my house, im working when i want to, i am home for the kids, but that cant be enough...it is NOT enough!!! I do not have a marriage..there is no stability, i do not feel safe in my life....and i just go around most of the time and pretend things are ok, even though they arent. I just dont want to cause a loud argument, i want to keep the peace in the house.
I am so very afraid of just telling him that i want a divorce.....i am afraid of what he will do, how he will react, how i will feel, etc....so how can i get over it??? If anyone has been where I am...where you know what is best for you, you know that it is insane to keep putting off leaving, but somehow you stay anyway, if you have found the courage, the strength to move forward and tell your ah how you feel ----- i just need to know that others have made it through the worst, and are ok!!!!!

Thanks.

hello-kitty

Anvil suggests some good starting points. People who do those things find the courage and strength to move forward. They are the ones that make it through.

Do at least one thing everyday that that will make your life better tomorrow.

rozied

Dear Drained, I was were you are when I was 27. I am 61 now. I even divorced the jerk, then remarried him so don't feel too bad. I had 2 children also with him. I think its one of the biggest reasons I tried so hard to make it work. I started attending Gam Anon. My ex was addicted to gambling, different addiction, same result. Physical, mental & emotional abuse. I remember once hiding $2.00 in a detergent box, and when I wouldn't give it to him he threw my son' s baby carriage at me. My ex got into trouble with the law, was bailed out by his mom and I. after a couple of weeks he decided he was going to run. He had a friend in another state and went to him. He was going to get set up then we ( me & the kids ) were going to join him. I was that " addicted " to him. While he was gone I started college. I also moved into an apt over my parents. I still had plans to join him then I found out he was cheating on me with a topless dancer. She had lost her kids & the 2 of them hooked up. When I found out I decided I wouldn't go to join him. My sister then fixed me up with a blind date. This man was 6 yrs younger, never married, and had no kids. He had a good job as a Respiratory Therapist & I was going to college for my BSN. This man fell in love with me & loved my kids. He remodeled my apt, took me to Jamaica on a vacation, took my kids out all the time, and did things with us. He was trustworthy & honest. In other words his words matched his actions. Finally after 10yrs I had someone to compare my ex to. By the time my ex got back to our area & I saw him again I was done. It was over. I can honestly tell you it was putting space btw us. It broke my obsession to him. I was also raised Catholic & married in my church so the idea of divorce was hard for me. I divorced him for the 2nd time. That relationship with the younger guy didn't work out cuz of me. I was too afraid to trust. To make a long story short I stayed alone with my boys for 8 yrs before meeting and marrying my present husband. During the 8yrs on my own, I learned to love myself. I learned what I didn't want in a relationship. I graduated college. I got so happy with myself I knew I didn't need anyone. I wanted someone & thats different.
Space was what did it for me. I thanked God for taking him out of my life. I just found out about 8mts ago when my ex called me after 25+yrs that he went from gambling to drugs & didn't get clean & sober til he was 58yrs old.
I hope my life story is some help. If you don't want this kind of life you must do something about it. I was lucky. You & I spoke of this before. You had even been in touch with some sort of support group. You don't have to divorce him unless you are ready to remarry. You can just get a separation. Maybe that would show him you are serious about not living the rest of your life with an addict.
I hope & pray you get the strength to do what is best for you & your 2 children. That is no kind of life.....living with an addict.
Take Care,
Diane
PS I told you the last time about all the help that is available when you are a single parent.

drainedwife

I have started a plan.....and i am doing most of the things anvilhead suggested. I am also going to talk to a new lawyer next week and hoping she will answer questions that I have which will hopefully, relieve some of my fears. My ah is very hard to deal with and so when I am totally ready to do this, (which i am hoping will be more sooner than later), I want to be strong enough so that I do not give in like i did the last time.

My life is like that of a battered woman. There are cycles of abuse, and cycles of calm periods where things seem almost normal. During the calm, almost normal times, i tend to not feel the pain as strongly as i did during periods when things were not so good. And then I start to almost think that maybe things arent too bad, or maybe things can change. And we go around and around in this cycle...things get out of hand (he yells and curses at me for something i didnt do),,,,, I get very upset and angry and want out of the relationship, but i also try to keep it from getting out of control because of the kids, and then it quiets down, and i dont FEEL the URGENCY that i have to get out as soon as possible anymore....deep down i know that this situation is not getting better, and my ah refuses to admit to his problem..and this could go on for years do i want to live like this for years??

I am going to naranon meetings, and calling members of my naranon group. I am reading alot of self help books, trying to get stronger...i am substitute teaching right now, and i really like it. I know I will have to get a different more permanent job one day, but for now, it works, and I like it. I go to my therapist once a week, i try to reach out for support whereever i can get it. as for enforcing boundaries, im not very good at it. if i tell my ah he cannot bring that shi* in the house, he will tell me he doesnt bring it in the house..if i say that i saw it he will deny it, and if i tell him he has to leave because of it, he wont go..then what do i do?? no matter what boundaries i set he wont listen, and then i have to be ready to do something about it when he doesnt listen, like get a divorce..but if im not ready, than whats the sense of having the boundary in the first place? i need to follow through..but i can tell i am getting a little stronger one day at a time...I know one day i will become so fed up, that i will break through that fear...i think thats what has to happen, i have to be so sick and tired of being sick andt tired of living this way, that i wont be afraid anymore. I just pray that it doesnt take 3 more years for me to get there.

cassandra2

I left my ex 2 months ago tomorrow. It was more painful then scary. It has been a very hard road. Somedays the pain is so bad I have to force myself to move forward and do things. It has gotten easier. We are adjusting. I slowly closed the door to him ever coming back and I think that that was what was so painful.

I kept thinking he would see the light. I kept thinking this would get to him or this would happen and think "that will shake him up". Well he did go into treatment but as for working his recovery I dont see it. I dont see ANY changes. He still wants to fight and argue with me. He still is denying that he did anything wrong. And this is what kills me the most "right now I am doing what is best for me and my kids". Doubt it but whatever floats your boat.

I am taking baby steps forward. Today I finally told my 6 year old that "dad" (he was their step dad) isnt coming back and that he is NOT her father. I told her that my youngest baby (my ex is her father) would be going to spend time with my ex but that she and her older sister would not be.

The final shred of hope for rebuilding my family finally hit me and its like he just left yesterday.

The only advice is that either road you take is gonna be hard. There will always be fear in anything that we have to change. Whatever you do leave for yourself and your kids. Dont leave as a tactic that you are hoping he is gonna change. It just doesnt work like that. Leave because YOU and your kids cant live that way. I pray for you. You are about to step into the unknown and that in itself is scary.

With each passing day I get stronger and have hope for me and my kids. But with each passing day I also learn to let go, accept, and move forward. When GOD closes one door MANY MANY others begin to open. You wont see that though if you stare at the closed door for to long.......

Take care. I will be praying for you. Take it easy. Dont rush. Take time. Have a plan. And then just do it.....

imallright

Great advice Cassandra! Drained... You know that I know your situation. Be strong. You can do what is right for you. It hurts, but it also hurts to stay in a situation like you are in ... I've been there. You are right, you have to be sick and tired of being sick and tired. Once you are ready and once you dive in... you will be amazed at how much better it feels. You will also be amazed at how much the pain continues... cuz you have to work on YOU even when you are out of the situation. One step at a time... but keep moving....