I Just Broke Up With Him
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 12
I Just Broke Up With Him
Hello Everyone,
I have been lurking for about a month now, have read a lot about codependency, and have learned a lot about myself.
I started dating my ABF, 7 months ago, after knowing him for the last 15 years. I had just gotten out of what I thought was an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship, he had been interested for a while, and I thought what the heck. He SEEMED to have gotten his stuff together. I knew he had drank a lot in his life, and still did. I knew he had problems with coke in the past. It appeared that he had his life together. He always was an excellent, helpful guy to all of his friends since I knew him, and I said what the heck. I'll give it a shot.
Well, he doesn't have it together. He has no money, drinks heavily, can't stop even though he says he is done at least twice a month, and has the memory of a, I can't even think of something that forgets that quickly! I was in a terrible spiral for the entire relationship, because of my reactions.
I just wanted to say that all of your posts, comments, stories of survial and despair, and support for one another have helped me beyond belief. Thank you all!
On Wednesday, we got in a fight about something he did not communicate to me, but he swore he did. It then turned into a general discussion about our lack of communication, which led to it being my fault and I'm a nag. We did not talk yesterday, or today, but I decided to write him an email about how I loved him, but his drug use has left him emotionally unavailable and that our relationship was not healthy for either of us. That I was getting off of the roller coaster and was going to stop living a fantasy of what may be. I hope he reads it.
Anyway, I wanted to say thanks, you guys are awesome. And that goes out to EVERY board on this site. It has helped me see how my problems are effecting me and the people around me. Effecting EVERY relationship I have ever been in. It has given me strength to jump into the unknown, because I am not alone and I do not want to be looking back at this time thinking I didn't do what I could.
I read somewhere today, that to end a relationship with an addict is hopefully bringing their bottom up a little bit. I hope that is true. I believe I am strong enough to hold this stand for myself. I am standing for the possibility of being strong, courageous, confident, powerful, and WORTHY!
Thank you all again. Please pray for him and me.
Jen
I have been lurking for about a month now, have read a lot about codependency, and have learned a lot about myself.
I started dating my ABF, 7 months ago, after knowing him for the last 15 years. I had just gotten out of what I thought was an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship, he had been interested for a while, and I thought what the heck. He SEEMED to have gotten his stuff together. I knew he had drank a lot in his life, and still did. I knew he had problems with coke in the past. It appeared that he had his life together. He always was an excellent, helpful guy to all of his friends since I knew him, and I said what the heck. I'll give it a shot.
Well, he doesn't have it together. He has no money, drinks heavily, can't stop even though he says he is done at least twice a month, and has the memory of a, I can't even think of something that forgets that quickly! I was in a terrible spiral for the entire relationship, because of my reactions.
I just wanted to say that all of your posts, comments, stories of survial and despair, and support for one another have helped me beyond belief. Thank you all!
On Wednesday, we got in a fight about something he did not communicate to me, but he swore he did. It then turned into a general discussion about our lack of communication, which led to it being my fault and I'm a nag. We did not talk yesterday, or today, but I decided to write him an email about how I loved him, but his drug use has left him emotionally unavailable and that our relationship was not healthy for either of us. That I was getting off of the roller coaster and was going to stop living a fantasy of what may be. I hope he reads it.
Anyway, I wanted to say thanks, you guys are awesome. And that goes out to EVERY board on this site. It has helped me see how my problems are effecting me and the people around me. Effecting EVERY relationship I have ever been in. It has given me strength to jump into the unknown, because I am not alone and I do not want to be looking back at this time thinking I didn't do what I could.
I read somewhere today, that to end a relationship with an addict is hopefully bringing their bottom up a little bit. I hope that is true. I believe I am strong enough to hold this stand for myself. I am standing for the possibility of being strong, courageous, confident, powerful, and WORTHY!
Thank you all again. Please pray for him and me.
Jen
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 12
Wow. Thank you. You are so right. Death is about all that is left. I am also very thankful no children were involved. The scary part is all he wants is children, I just kept saying no way. If I wasn't at work, I'd be crying right now because he has no other bottom except death. I realized that just now. It hurts me after knowing him for so long, knowing what he has done in the past, and knowing how much he still helps other people to this day. Unfortunatly, I was never one of the people worthy of his help. Just got broken promises and hurt feelings.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 12
I've been waiting for that to happen since I was 15 (I'm 30). Most of my life long friends are drug addicts and/or alcoholics. So far, somehow, none of them have died, but we are all in our 30's now, and I can see it catching up to a lot of them. It has been a behind the scenes fear of mine for most of my life. Statistically, most of us should be dead by now with the way we have lived.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
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He can reach his bottom before death. Many people have, though I wish it were a bigger percentage. They lose a loved one, or suffer a near-death experience, or go to jail, and it's the trigger they need to finally seek recovery.
The question is whether you want to put your life on hold until he decides to do that. And for me, the question was also whether I wanted to be prepared to wait for the rest of my life for him to relapse, having that hanging over my head.
The answers (again, just for me) were no, and no.
Do the right thing for yourself, jjwc. You sound like a woman who has so much to offer the world, and you deserve to be happy and free.
The question is whether you want to put your life on hold until he decides to do that. And for me, the question was also whether I wanted to be prepared to wait for the rest of my life for him to relapse, having that hanging over my head.
The answers (again, just for me) were no, and no.
Do the right thing for yourself, jjwc. You sound like a woman who has so much to offer the world, and you deserve to be happy and free.
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