The thing about choices......
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
The thing about choices......
The 3 Cs: We didn't cause the disease; we can't control the disease and we can't cure the disease. But. by coming to Al Anon we learn that we have choices and that we can make changes that allow us to lead better, happier lives, whether the alcoholic is sober or not and even whether the alcoholic is still in our lives our not.
There is actually going to be a very important recovery point here, but in order to make it clear I need to tell this kinda long story first:
About 2 months ago, the very large metal screws that held a very thick metal chain from which was suspended a large metal bar on which was hung years worth of old clothing, split out of the wooden rafters in our attic and everything came tumbling down all over the floor and all over lots of other stuff that is stored up there.
Now this contraption on which to hang clothes in storage has a long and prophetic history. When we first moved into this house 17 years ago, there was a wooden bar suspended up there (for who knows how long as the house was built in 1908!!) and it broke shortly after we moved in. My ex husband then built a not-very-sturdy and not quite as large rack to hang stuff on up there. That lasted only for about 6 years, until right after he left, when it just kinda keeled over and could not be straightened back up (kinda like our marriage, now that I think of it!!!). To replace it, I myself, who am absolutely not at all handy around the house, came up with the most recent attempt, which I really thought was indestructible because of all the heavy duty metal parts I had used (Of course, I totally didn't account for the weight of the clothing pulling on the wood of the ceiling itself!!)
So, anyways, all this clothing is laying all over the place up there, and I know that, with the holidays coming up, we are going to need to be getting up there a lot to access other stuff, and so something needs to be done about it fairly quickly. So, over the next few weeks I'm thinking about how I'm going to solve this problem and get all of that clothing hanging back up where it belongs. At one point, I thought I had it figured out, but when I went up to really see how the ceiling was built and shaped and how the rafter ran, I realized that my idea wouldn't work. I was a little upset and beginning to feel like there was absolutely no acceptable (to me at the time) solution to the problem.
Finally, Halloween was fast approaching, and I had to get up there and dig out the decorations. While I was up there I actually took a little time to look at and think about all the clothes that were lying around and about what it was that really needed to happen with them, and I came up with the brilliant idea (DUH!!! -- taking atock of reality and accepting it as it is! What a concept!) that I should actually just get a couple of super-size rubbermaid storage tubs, go through it all, put everything that I might possibly use again in one tub, and put the rest in a tub to be given away.
So, that's what I did over the following weekend. The result was that the attic is actually better organized and much easier to get around in than it was with that giant contraption hanging in the middle, I really got rid of a lot of stuff that was just taking up room, and I found a lot of very good stuff to give away that's going to a program that one of my friends runs to help low-income women become economically self-sufficient.
Now here are all of the morals of this story and how it relates to my Al Anon program in general and to the thing about discovering choices in particular.
First off, looking back, I know that the reason that I had so much trouble solving the problem to begin with was because I had in my head the unquestioned assumption that "the solution" had to in some way entail all of those old clothes hanging up in the middle of the attic. Partially, that was because that was the way it's always been....but by looking at it in that way, I was really ignoring the actual end result that I wanted: What I really wanted was to have those clothes taken care of and out of the way, not necessarily hanging up in a particular spot. Once I thought about my true goal more realistically in that broader sense, more choices for "solving the problem" became available.
However (moral #2), as I began to work toward the goal, it became very apparent to me that there were also some deeper, darker, more personal reasons why the true scope of my choices in this apparently very simple matter had eluded me for weeks: There was a lot of emotional baggage attached to a lot of that clothing and even to the fact that I had so much of it. A very large percentage of the stuff up there was from the period that was the "emotional bottom" of my life and it would have been a hell of a lot easier for me to just pick it up in piles and stick it back on on some rack where I could cover it once again with an old sheet and not have to look at it or think about it again until that rack collapsed.
You see, at that point in my life, I had realized that my husband was an emotionally ******** work-aholic and that he was really not going to change. I had, therefore, because I had to save my kids (all by myself, of course, because god was clearly out to get me or my husband would not have turned out to be the jerk he was) from the horror of coming from a divorced home, decided that I would stay in the marriage for the kids sake....and, in order to do so, my husband and I would have an open marriage. Now clearly I knew very well that that was not what I really wanted and I was totally friggin' miserable but I thought at the time that I had no choices because I had to do it for my kids. (Are you seeing a pattern here in terms of my being too focused on a particular solution -- mine -- to a problem rather than on the more realistic, higher goal???? Moral #3)
So anyways, part of my "solution" to my misery was basically a shopping addiction --- which was indirectly related to another part of the "solution" which was getting involved sexually with a lot of different people (which I have nothing against per se, but as a long-term substitute for a primary, committed love relationship, I definitely don't recommend it.) There were, literally, at least $10,000 worth of clothes up there. Very nice stuff..some of it never worn....with the friggin' lables still on it! And, once I got started, I went through everything in the attic and some stuff in the back corner of my bedroom closet that I hadn't looked at since my husband left.....every single thing that I had not worn in the last 2 years and that had no significant emotional value to me went into the "give away tub (actually, it ended up being "tubS")...
...It took me three days...because emotionally it was very hard and so I needed to take breaks and talk to people and stuff while I was doing it because it was so disturbing and just plain gross to relive all of that and think of myself behaving in such a lunatic fashion. I mean, one episode I remembered was a time that I had very recently brought 2 sweaters -- one from Avon and one from Victoria's Secret -- both different beige's and pretty expensive (like $60-$75 back in probably '94). Well, because I was so friggin' out of it at the time, I somehow put them both in the wash with something that turned them some really gross pukie, orangie-tan color.
So, I go down to the laundry and realize what's happened. And I just turned around, dropped them both into the garbage, went upstairs, got the catalogues and ordered new ones. And all the time I was doing it, my brain was going "Frey, this is insane. You should at least throw them back in the wash again with a little bleach and some stain remover and see what happens.... This is not like you; You are acting like a crazy person." But, that wounded part of me was totally in control and it was screaming: "My life sucks and I shouldn't have to deal with this sh*t!" For all intents and purposes, I was a crazy person.
So, anyway, choices....they really are there in much greater number than we can possibly imagine and the thing for me is that, in order to see them, I need to step back and really pay attention to, be willing to look at, and give some thought to what the reality is and to what my true, higher, ultimate goals are: If my goal is to take care of the clothes and get them out of the way, is that goal really best served by hanging the cloths back up in the middle of the room on something that's probably going to fall down at a later date or to or to get the clothes taken care of and out of the way in a more permanent way? If my goal is to do what's really in my kids best interest does that mean engaging in all kinds of crazy behavior in order to keep them from coming from a broken family or does it mean modeling for my kids sane, healthy behavior, high integrity, honesty, good self-care, and trust in HP?????
Yeah, it seems a lot easier to just keep going for the same old, same old, but, wow, does it feel good to have gone through all of that baggage, really seen my choices and made ones that get rid of a lot of that sh*t (and it's potential to cause period collapses!) for good.
freya
There is actually going to be a very important recovery point here, but in order to make it clear I need to tell this kinda long story first:
About 2 months ago, the very large metal screws that held a very thick metal chain from which was suspended a large metal bar on which was hung years worth of old clothing, split out of the wooden rafters in our attic and everything came tumbling down all over the floor and all over lots of other stuff that is stored up there.
Now this contraption on which to hang clothes in storage has a long and prophetic history. When we first moved into this house 17 years ago, there was a wooden bar suspended up there (for who knows how long as the house was built in 1908!!) and it broke shortly after we moved in. My ex husband then built a not-very-sturdy and not quite as large rack to hang stuff on up there. That lasted only for about 6 years, until right after he left, when it just kinda keeled over and could not be straightened back up (kinda like our marriage, now that I think of it!!!). To replace it, I myself, who am absolutely not at all handy around the house, came up with the most recent attempt, which I really thought was indestructible because of all the heavy duty metal parts I had used (Of course, I totally didn't account for the weight of the clothing pulling on the wood of the ceiling itself!!)
So, anyways, all this clothing is laying all over the place up there, and I know that, with the holidays coming up, we are going to need to be getting up there a lot to access other stuff, and so something needs to be done about it fairly quickly. So, over the next few weeks I'm thinking about how I'm going to solve this problem and get all of that clothing hanging back up where it belongs. At one point, I thought I had it figured out, but when I went up to really see how the ceiling was built and shaped and how the rafter ran, I realized that my idea wouldn't work. I was a little upset and beginning to feel like there was absolutely no acceptable (to me at the time) solution to the problem.
Finally, Halloween was fast approaching, and I had to get up there and dig out the decorations. While I was up there I actually took a little time to look at and think about all the clothes that were lying around and about what it was that really needed to happen with them, and I came up with the brilliant idea (DUH!!! -- taking atock of reality and accepting it as it is! What a concept!) that I should actually just get a couple of super-size rubbermaid storage tubs, go through it all, put everything that I might possibly use again in one tub, and put the rest in a tub to be given away.
So, that's what I did over the following weekend. The result was that the attic is actually better organized and much easier to get around in than it was with that giant contraption hanging in the middle, I really got rid of a lot of stuff that was just taking up room, and I found a lot of very good stuff to give away that's going to a program that one of my friends runs to help low-income women become economically self-sufficient.
Now here are all of the morals of this story and how it relates to my Al Anon program in general and to the thing about discovering choices in particular.
First off, looking back, I know that the reason that I had so much trouble solving the problem to begin with was because I had in my head the unquestioned assumption that "the solution" had to in some way entail all of those old clothes hanging up in the middle of the attic. Partially, that was because that was the way it's always been....but by looking at it in that way, I was really ignoring the actual end result that I wanted: What I really wanted was to have those clothes taken care of and out of the way, not necessarily hanging up in a particular spot. Once I thought about my true goal more realistically in that broader sense, more choices for "solving the problem" became available.
However (moral #2), as I began to work toward the goal, it became very apparent to me that there were also some deeper, darker, more personal reasons why the true scope of my choices in this apparently very simple matter had eluded me for weeks: There was a lot of emotional baggage attached to a lot of that clothing and even to the fact that I had so much of it. A very large percentage of the stuff up there was from the period that was the "emotional bottom" of my life and it would have been a hell of a lot easier for me to just pick it up in piles and stick it back on on some rack where I could cover it once again with an old sheet and not have to look at it or think about it again until that rack collapsed.
You see, at that point in my life, I had realized that my husband was an emotionally ******** work-aholic and that he was really not going to change. I had, therefore, because I had to save my kids (all by myself, of course, because god was clearly out to get me or my husband would not have turned out to be the jerk he was) from the horror of coming from a divorced home, decided that I would stay in the marriage for the kids sake....and, in order to do so, my husband and I would have an open marriage. Now clearly I knew very well that that was not what I really wanted and I was totally friggin' miserable but I thought at the time that I had no choices because I had to do it for my kids. (Are you seeing a pattern here in terms of my being too focused on a particular solution -- mine -- to a problem rather than on the more realistic, higher goal???? Moral #3)
So anyways, part of my "solution" to my misery was basically a shopping addiction --- which was indirectly related to another part of the "solution" which was getting involved sexually with a lot of different people (which I have nothing against per se, but as a long-term substitute for a primary, committed love relationship, I definitely don't recommend it.) There were, literally, at least $10,000 worth of clothes up there. Very nice stuff..some of it never worn....with the friggin' lables still on it! And, once I got started, I went through everything in the attic and some stuff in the back corner of my bedroom closet that I hadn't looked at since my husband left.....every single thing that I had not worn in the last 2 years and that had no significant emotional value to me went into the "give away tub (actually, it ended up being "tubS")...
...It took me three days...because emotionally it was very hard and so I needed to take breaks and talk to people and stuff while I was doing it because it was so disturbing and just plain gross to relive all of that and think of myself behaving in such a lunatic fashion. I mean, one episode I remembered was a time that I had very recently brought 2 sweaters -- one from Avon and one from Victoria's Secret -- both different beige's and pretty expensive (like $60-$75 back in probably '94). Well, because I was so friggin' out of it at the time, I somehow put them both in the wash with something that turned them some really gross pukie, orangie-tan color.
So, I go down to the laundry and realize what's happened. And I just turned around, dropped them both into the garbage, went upstairs, got the catalogues and ordered new ones. And all the time I was doing it, my brain was going "Frey, this is insane. You should at least throw them back in the wash again with a little bleach and some stain remover and see what happens.... This is not like you; You are acting like a crazy person." But, that wounded part of me was totally in control and it was screaming: "My life sucks and I shouldn't have to deal with this sh*t!" For all intents and purposes, I was a crazy person.
So, anyway, choices....they really are there in much greater number than we can possibly imagine and the thing for me is that, in order to see them, I need to step back and really pay attention to, be willing to look at, and give some thought to what the reality is and to what my true, higher, ultimate goals are: If my goal is to take care of the clothes and get them out of the way, is that goal really best served by hanging the cloths back up in the middle of the room on something that's probably going to fall down at a later date or to or to get the clothes taken care of and out of the way in a more permanent way? If my goal is to do what's really in my kids best interest does that mean engaging in all kinds of crazy behavior in order to keep them from coming from a broken family or does it mean modeling for my kids sane, healthy behavior, high integrity, honesty, good self-care, and trust in HP?????
Yeah, it seems a lot easier to just keep going for the same old, same old, but, wow, does it feel good to have gone through all of that baggage, really seen my choices and made ones that get rid of a lot of that sh*t (and it's potential to cause period collapses!) for good.
freya
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: canada
Posts: 166
Excellent analogy Freya thank you very much for taking the time to post this! For me going thru my past was very similar to peeling an onion, just when I think I have it done another layer appears, then another one appears, along with the tears! K.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 149
thanks, i really appreciate this post. its hard though because i feel like, how do we step back and see it when were in it? i mean years later it might be easier to set back but the heart nd the mind are on such different clocks. my heart is very stuck my brain is gettign confused and can not step back.
either way i think this is great and i will add it to my book of wisdom i am going to start to inspire me to live. thank you for that.
either way i think this is great and i will add it to my book of wisdom i am going to start to inspire me to live. thank you for that.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
Originally Posted by genrs123 
its hard though because i feel like, how do we step back and see it when were in it? i mean years later it might be easier to set back but the heart nd the mind are on such different clocks. my heart is very stuck my brain is gettign confused and can not step back.
For me at this point, the thing I've realized is that there are very specific feelings related to anything that triggers my core old woundings, and I've come to recognize exactly what each of those feelings feels like, and, actually I've given them silly names (like "freezing from the inside out," "little Indian wife," "total reality disconnect," etc...). So, as soon as I start to feel any of those things, I know that's when I've got to step back, reassess, and maybe get some help because if I let myself get even more than the tiniest way down any of those paths, getting back to sanity and serenity gets exponentially harder with every little step. Now, obviously, I would totally love it if I could get to the point where those feelings were never even triggered...but, really, I don't think that's probably ever going to happen.
Progress, not perfection. Right?
And, truthfully, the story above is really just a metaphor for the situations that lead to that kind of self-awareness. At this point, it wasn't like a major trauma to deal with those clothes because, obviously, I've done a lot of work in the last 13 or 14 years. (I mean, it certainly wasn't fun because who really wants to have it put right in her face again after many years how much she behaved like an #ss?????, but really, if putting away those clothes had literally entailed doing all that work in 1 weekend I would be friggin' buried under them up in my attic!!!!!!)
It was just striking to me how even the subconscious "yuck" of having to look at all of that cr*p again even as related to a simple, relatively minor housekeeping task was enough to temporarily limit my ability to see my choices...and the more I thought about it, the more I just liked how the metaphor worked and played out, so I thought maybe it might be useful for someone else, too.
freya
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Wow...thanks for sharing this freya. I have a similar 'attic experience' which was mostly related to my former career. Over the past five years I'd gradually got rid of some of it, but the last truckload remained untouched too long. It turns out that I had very strong emotional ties to what those things in storage represented. It wasn't easy but it was healing to deal with it all, sort through and decide what to keep and what to toss.
Yes, it is very useful, because I realized that this was _all_ about recovery and having my outsides match my insides.
Thanks again.
I thought maybe it might be useful for someone else, too.
Thanks again.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 149
thanks, well it is really useful and youre right i think it is about consciousness. thats true. thats a good point. i was also reading in my raise your self esteem book (ha) that the key to self esteem is also consciousness - how interesting!!!!
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Someplace USA
Posts: 415
I sometimes wish getting rid of the AH was as easy! Just kidding! I think it's an amazing journey over 13 or 14 years; what insight! It makes me feel I have a long way to go...
I still have to keep myself from obsessing constantly over what AH is doing; I fight with him in my mind because fighting with him in real life is useless. Crazy, I know. (although lots of times it's how can I get away from AH husband; is that considered a codie habit? I always wanted to know!)
Thanks; this is a post I'm going to print out and keep!
Hugs
I still have to keep myself from obsessing constantly over what AH is doing; I fight with him in my mind because fighting with him in real life is useless. Crazy, I know. (although lots of times it's how can I get away from AH husband; is that considered a codie habit? I always wanted to know!)
Thanks; this is a post I'm going to print out and keep!
Hugs
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