Aesakitty

I have not spoken to my mother in over two years now. She attempted to contact me about two weeks ago, and I (silly me) responded. I sent her an e-mail telling her how I felt, and how she could help our relationship. Apparently I was not blunt enough for her. I, for my own sake, need to tell her what can be done to repair our extensively damaged relationship. This is the letter I sent her:

I guess my last letter was not clear enough for you. You are an addict and an abuser. You have become the person you hate most, your father. You verbally/mentally abuse your spouse and children. You chose drugs over us. I will not allow you to hurt me anymore. This is why we have no contact. If you continue you life as it is I will never be a part of it again. You will never see me graduate college, get married, or meet your grandchildren. It is a very sad thought for me, but it is what I need to be healthy. You can change this outcome by getting help. Going into a rehab facility, joining Narcotics Anonymous, and getting regular counseling can change this future. The ball is in your court now.

Thanks for listening guys.

GiveLove

I hope that letter was cathartic for you, aesakitty. Writing (whether it's destined for yourself or someone else) can be really healing.

I certainly wouldn't expect anything to change because of it, but getting those clear thoughts down on paper was likely very good for YOU. At least it would be for me.

guiab

Aesakitty,
It looks like you stated your feelings quite well. That is sort of letter many spouses, children, parents of addicted relatives (even former friends) should be sending out.
You may get a 'negotiating' type response that says 'if I go to one meeting will you talk to me'. You may have to set some hard boundary such as 'I will meet you when I decide I want to meet with you, when I am thoroughly convinced beyond any doubt that you have been living a sober life. Don't call me I will call you.'
You are focusing on yourself. Good going.

Aesakitty

Thanks so much! I have never expected much from my mother. The letter was really written for me, so I can feel like I have done everything I can do to heal our relationship. I have kept a journal for some time, but this letter felt so good to write and send.

CC8

Aesakitty,
Good for you to maintain your boundaries. I have trouble with my mother too. She's not an alcoholic or addict but she has an alcoholic's personality - comes from a severly dysfunctional alcoholic family. She's incredibly selfish and now that I'm 32, I'm finally having to put my life first. Congrats on doing this now.

It is hard to set boundaries with our parents. But I've noticed/seen that if I stay true to myself, try to set boundaries lovingly but not take responsiblity for her, and just let the chips fall where they may, it works out. And I get stronger.

Sometimes when people we love need help, it's a natural instinct to want to help them. But the best thing you can really do is do what you're doing - draw that line. Really, they are the ones who are being selfish.

Good luck and keep staying strong and doing what you need to do for yourself to stay healthy!

cc