losing my center
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: south jersey
Posts: 80
losing my center
Although I have received some great responses here and elsewhere, started t og oto naranon meetings, have sufficient evidence of gf's usage, and know what i need to do, the thought of telling her where i stand causes all this anxiety and such. my greatest fear is that she really isnt using as much as i fear or at all. i think this despite amount of empty bags etc found over the past two months.
the worrying and wondering is taking over my life almost
the worrying and wondering is taking over my life almost
Guest
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 2,968
When we worry or wonder what another person is doing at any
given time it is giving over our power of self to someone or some-
thing else that we have absolutely no power over.
Can we even know in a given day what is going to happen to us
at any moment. Ask yourself why you want to become enslaved
to this. We have to follow our gut instincts, we know what is wrong
and right, and yet we question ourselves over and over rather than
accept what is either laid out in front of us, or given in knowledge
by another.
It is acceptance to me, if you are willing to continue a relationship
knowing and yet not accepting than the worry and wondering becomes
part of your life. I do self talk, my son is the addict, it is what it is,
I am powerless over his decisions, I cannot control his thoughts or
actions only my own. I accept that he will continue on his journey
with or without worry and then ask myself if this is how I want to
live or do I have enough self love to take my own journey and manage
my own affairs.
An addict will do as an addict does. Take control of what you own..
yourself, your path, your decisions..your dreams and desires. If you
want the addict to play a part you have to take the consequences
and that is always giving over yourself to their needs.
Take time out and decide what your role is in their life, being there
to walk through their addiction or being there to walk through your
life. It really comes down to a decision, with an addict you will always
feel as you do now, or you can take back your life and live it to it's fullest.
As hard as this may sound it is called denial of what you want to accept.
It isn't easy to realize this but it is necessary in order to move forward.
lauren
given time it is giving over our power of self to someone or some-
thing else that we have absolutely no power over.
Can we even know in a given day what is going to happen to us
at any moment. Ask yourself why you want to become enslaved
to this. We have to follow our gut instincts, we know what is wrong
and right, and yet we question ourselves over and over rather than
accept what is either laid out in front of us, or given in knowledge
by another.
It is acceptance to me, if you are willing to continue a relationship
knowing and yet not accepting than the worry and wondering becomes
part of your life. I do self talk, my son is the addict, it is what it is,
I am powerless over his decisions, I cannot control his thoughts or
actions only my own. I accept that he will continue on his journey
with or without worry and then ask myself if this is how I want to
live or do I have enough self love to take my own journey and manage
my own affairs.
An addict will do as an addict does. Take control of what you own..
yourself, your path, your decisions..your dreams and desires. If you
want the addict to play a part you have to take the consequences
and that is always giving over yourself to their needs.
Take time out and decide what your role is in their life, being there
to walk through their addiction or being there to walk through your
life. It really comes down to a decision, with an addict you will always
feel as you do now, or you can take back your life and live it to it's fullest.
As hard as this may sound it is called denial of what you want to accept.
It isn't easy to realize this but it is necessary in order to move forward.
lauren
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: south jersey
Posts: 80
thanks for the reply. part of my problem is knowing she is living in an unhealthy environment and has no one. i cannot get past the guilt of hurting her by breaking up, and of basically accusing her of using. there is that part of me that believes that maybe it was not so bad, that maybe she didnt get hooked and that maybe she was able to just quit. that is that part of me. the other part says, there was too much found, something isnt right, even if she isnt using now the addict lies beneath the surface and can and likely will come out again.
is it fair to say- look i need to know you are clean, we have to put the relationship on hold a few months. during htat time you can get your own place, get your lifein order and if you stayed clean we can resume?
is it fair to say- look i need to know you are clean, we have to put the relationship on hold a few months. during htat time you can get your own place, get your lifein order and if you stayed clean we can resume?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Your first statement.... "maybe she isn't useing as much as I think" "maybe it isn't that bad"......
Hello. This is your wakeup call, you are justifying her behaviour just as much as she does. you also just stated that "you cant get past the guilt"- what do you have to feel guilty about? Cheating on someone you can feel guilty about- we should never feel GUILTY to something we didn't cause.
Perhaps you feel bad for her- I understand that, I know what it means - it means you are sympathetic. Being sympathetic and being co-dependant are two different things.
I don't mean to be harsh- but I think you need to FIRST come to the realization that YOU are getting something out of this relationship dynamic. Why do you need to rescue her?? Why are you allowing her behaviour to control what is right for you?
You are compromising your own health, happiness, sanity, etc - but the biggest issue I see that you have, is you haven't come to terms with even that yet......
I know this is a tough road, and I truely am not speaking out of school, I have been there. To at least aknowledge that you have a problem (by engageing in this relationship) is the very least you can do for yourself.
Take care, keep your chin up, and keep reading, posting, whatever it takes to get you through.
Cessy
Hello. This is your wakeup call, you are justifying her behaviour just as much as she does. you also just stated that "you cant get past the guilt"- what do you have to feel guilty about? Cheating on someone you can feel guilty about- we should never feel GUILTY to something we didn't cause.
Perhaps you feel bad for her- I understand that, I know what it means - it means you are sympathetic. Being sympathetic and being co-dependant are two different things.
I don't mean to be harsh- but I think you need to FIRST come to the realization that YOU are getting something out of this relationship dynamic. Why do you need to rescue her?? Why are you allowing her behaviour to control what is right for you?
You are compromising your own health, happiness, sanity, etc - but the biggest issue I see that you have, is you haven't come to terms with even that yet......
I know this is a tough road, and I truely am not speaking out of school, I have been there. To at least aknowledge that you have a problem (by engageing in this relationship) is the very least you can do for yourself.
Take care, keep your chin up, and keep reading, posting, whatever it takes to get you through.
Cessy
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
thanks for the reply. part of my problem is knowing she is living in an unhealthy environment and has no one. i cannot get past the guilt of hurting her by breaking up, and of basically accusing her of using
there is that part of me that believes that maybe it was not so bad,
the worrying and wondering is taking over my life almost
Do not feel guilty for breaking off a relationship that is unhealthy and has the potential to destroy you in the process.. no one is worth that and I mean no one.. Your GF made her choice to use..therfore she has to live with the consequences and yes that means loosing her relationship with you and probably other relationships with other people in the near future..
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
i cannot get past the guilt of hurting her by breaking up, and of basically accusing her of using. there is that part of me that believes that maybe it was not so bad, that maybe she didnt get hooked and that maybe she was able to just quit.
the other part says, there was too much found, something isnt right, even if she isnt using now the addict lies beneath the surface and can and likely will come out again.
is it fair to say- look i need to know you are clean, we have to put the relationship on hold a few months. during htat time you can get your own place, get your lifein order and if you stayed clean we can resume?
That way....................................you are giving her no 'expectations.' Just giving yourself time to step back, have no contact and WATCH her actions to see if she is doing anything for herself.
Remember, YOU
didn't CAUSE this,
can't CONTROL this, and
can't CURE this.
Her living situation, her whole life for that matter is HER RESPONSIBILITY. Your life is your responsibility.
She will lie, connive, manipulate and act the way she thinks you want her to be, but can only do it for so long, and the addiction will rear it's ugly head. When a person truly enters recovery and is really working to the best of their ability at the moment, you will start to see small subtle changes, nothing glaring. You will see confusion, indecisiveness, then start to see some small improvements, some self worth returning, some positive steps, etc.
You have NO CONTROL over what she is doing or will do. I would suggest attending as many Alanon and Naranon meetings as you possibly can FOR YOU.
I can tell you that during my using/drinking days, I would use people, husband, parents, siblings, cousins, friends, etc in every way I could because I knew they wanted to 'help' (enable) me and by them 'helping' me I could maintain my lifestyle (drugs and booze). I will tell you that once in recovery a while and seeing my codependent side, I had to come to terms that I could not FIX anyone, but me.
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
Steve I really really feel for you. Being in the beginning stages of facing that someone you love is an addict is really horrifying. I did the same thing you are doing now. I really had to have it drilled in my head that even though my ex was "just" abusing his perscribed pain pills IT WAS BAD!!!!
These pills changed him to someone I to this day do not know. And it started out as taking them as his doctor ordered and then it mushroomed to be so out of control that I had to ask him to leave.
Addiction is a progession. Once you understand that you will see that things can and will get worse. Only you can make the decision to stay or leave but I will tell you this. Without a shadow of a doubt it will get worse for you....She will change, she will steal from you, lie to you, do anything she can to manipulate you into think that "its not that big a deal" or "I only do it once in awhile" or "I have it under control". These are all ploys addicts use to rationalize their use to you...
Prayers to you. Keep reading and posting.....
These pills changed him to someone I to this day do not know. And it started out as taking them as his doctor ordered and then it mushroomed to be so out of control that I had to ask him to leave.
Addiction is a progession. Once you understand that you will see that things can and will get worse. Only you can make the decision to stay or leave but I will tell you this. Without a shadow of a doubt it will get worse for you....She will change, she will steal from you, lie to you, do anything she can to manipulate you into think that "its not that big a deal" or "I only do it once in awhile" or "I have it under control". These are all ploys addicts use to rationalize their use to you...
Prayers to you. Keep reading and posting.....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
the worrying and wondering is taking over my life almost
So.... maybe you'll have to hit that bottom to the point where you can see just how tangled up you are in her addiction - I hope that doesn't happen - because it sucks! But your path - is your journey!
Lauren!!!!!!!!!! RIGHT ON! What a great post - THANK YOU!
When we worry or wonder what another person is doing at any
given time it is giving over our power of self to someone or some-
thing else that we have absolutely no power over.
Can we even know in a given day what is going to happen to us
at any moment. Ask yourself why you want to become enslaved
to this. We have to follow our gut instincts, we know what is wrong
and right, and yet we question ourselves over and over rather than
accept what is either laid out in front of us, or given in knowledge
by another.
It is acceptance to me, if you are willing to continue a relationship
knowing and yet not accepting than the worry and wondering becomes
part of your life. I do self talk, my son is the addict, it is what it is,
I am powerless over his decisions, I cannot control his thoughts or
actions only my own. I accept that he will continue on his journey
with or without worry and then ask myself if this is how I want to
live or do I have enough self love to take my own journey and manage
my own affairs.
An addict will do as an addict does. Take control of what you own..
yourself, your path, your decisions..your dreams and desires. If you
want the addict to play a part you have to take the consequences
and that is always giving over yourself to their needs.
Take time out and decide what your role is in their life, being there
to walk through their addiction or being there to walk through your
life. It really comes down to a decision, with an addict you will always
feel as you do now, or you can take back your life and live it to it's fullest.
As hard as this may sound it is called denial of what you want to accept.
It isn't easy to realize this but it is necessary in order to move forward.
given time it is giving over our power of self to someone or some-
thing else that we have absolutely no power over.
Can we even know in a given day what is going to happen to us
at any moment. Ask yourself why you want to become enslaved
to this. We have to follow our gut instincts, we know what is wrong
and right, and yet we question ourselves over and over rather than
accept what is either laid out in front of us, or given in knowledge
by another.
It is acceptance to me, if you are willing to continue a relationship
knowing and yet not accepting than the worry and wondering becomes
part of your life. I do self talk, my son is the addict, it is what it is,
I am powerless over his decisions, I cannot control his thoughts or
actions only my own. I accept that he will continue on his journey
with or without worry and then ask myself if this is how I want to
live or do I have enough self love to take my own journey and manage
my own affairs.
An addict will do as an addict does. Take control of what you own..
yourself, your path, your decisions..your dreams and desires. If you
want the addict to play a part you have to take the consequences
and that is always giving over yourself to their needs.
Take time out and decide what your role is in their life, being there
to walk through their addiction or being there to walk through your
life. It really comes down to a decision, with an addict you will always
feel as you do now, or you can take back your life and live it to it's fullest.
As hard as this may sound it is called denial of what you want to accept.
It isn't easy to realize this but it is necessary in order to move forward.
At times I find myself feeling guilty that I am not so wrapped up in his life.. in fact - it will cause problems because he views it as me being selfish and not caring towards him and his happiness - when I'm caring about my own, but it's become my survivor role... and it's now when I take back that guilt - I move another 2 steps forward.
Great thread!
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