siouxb

I am the mom of a 22 year old daugther who has been struggling with drugs and alcohol for a number of years. In the last three weeks she has totalled my car, been arrested for DUI and tried to commit suicide (On Thanksgiving). She was recently released from a mental facility and says she realizes her life is not near as bad as she thinks it is and is intent on leading her life like she should. She went to her first NA meeting last night and had very positive feed back. I was finally beginning to feel some relief from the twisted stomach I had for months until I found out that after the meeting a group went to the local pizza parlor and had a beer with the pizza. In the past I would have ranted and raved, but now I just don't know how to respond. I got really quiet and the twisted stomach came back. I know it does no good to preach and as MOM nothing I say or do seems to have an impact. I want to support my daughter and help her find her way but I am tired of suffering through this, feeling sick all the time. I try very hard to let go and let god, but constantly being subjected to this is like emotional abuse. Any ideas you have would be greatly appreciated. :praying

outtolunch

Have you considered that it's your expectations and reactions to a situation completely out of your control that is causing the emotional abuse?

Believing that we have control over anyone is a slippery-slope and likely to end in a disappointing outcome, one that we tend to blame ourselves for.

Letting go takes practice and is the hardest work, ever. And we are all works in progress. Don't be so hard on yourself. You know the drill. You did not cause it. You cannot control it. And you most definitely cannot cure it. Repeat until you believe it.

caileesnana

Hi, welcome. I have a daughter, 24, who has been involved w/ drugs & alcohol for 6 years. She is currently 6 month without substances.

I know your frustration. They shouldn't have ordered beer and one of the more "recovered" in the group should have pointed it out and maybe they did. I don't know. The only thing I have learned for sure is you can't change anything they do!! The harder you try, the worse it will become.

Sitting back and watching the destruction is hard, but sometimes a little something has to happen in order for them to realize it.

I pray she leared not to go w/ those individuals after the next meeting. There are many who take recovery seriously. I know my daughter and an entire group go to Starbucks for the 'meeting after' the meeting.

prayers,
susan

marle

She went to a meeting. That is a good start. My daughter has slipped twice with alcohol. My letting her figure it out has given her the power to do just that. I continue on with my life and let God have her. But it took a lot of practice to get there. Hugs, Marle

daughterskeeper

This is my first post. I also have a 22 year old addicted daughter. She is addicted to smoking heroin. In September we confronted her and she agreed to get help. She is now going to meetings at a halfway house. The bad thing is, we aren't sure she's clean. She still has no money and we have been paying her bills. She lives at home. We wonder if she goes to the meetings for help or to see her addict boyfriend who lives at the halfway house where the meetings are held. We haev caught her in many lies and she ignores the boundaries we have tried to set to help her recover. I guess we are trying to control what we can't control but it is very hard to let go! I so strongly related to your post. I rarely say anything to my daughter because she will just lieand I can't stand it. My stomach would be in knots but I take an anti-anxiety medication! Thanks for sharing. It's good to know I'm not alone in how I feel. I wish I had something helpful to say, but I am in the same boat!

sleepygoat

I;m skeptical that people from the NA meeting endorsed, let a lone drank, beer. The literature is very very clear that alcohol is a drug and everyone i have ever met in NA (In 3 different states including Florida while on vacation) is very very aware they can't drink and aren't clean if they do. So i am skeptical that this really happened. Did she go have a beer on her own and blame it on NA? More likely.

Addicts, especially new in recovery, like to find loopholes to fall thru. Maybe your AD is hoping she can get away with drinking. You are still powerless over her. but you might want to let her know you know the 'rules' in NA and drinking is not ok ever. That way, she will have one less way to get over on you.

Stick around here. It takes time to learn how to live with this. Having her in your home may not turn out to be an option. time will tell.