dazednconfuzed

He has said many times in the past that he would go for treatment, but never called the numbers I gave him. I thought he would be livid that I was telling his family members the truth about what he is doing, but instead he's begging me not to throw in the towel. He's even accepting that the truth needs to be out there.

I now realize that what I have always been scared about was REALLY FOLLOWING THROUGH ON MY THREAT TO LEAVE. Any time I've ever indicated that I'm going to do this, he starts threatening to make my life miserable (what a joke - it's already miserable). As long as I succumb to that fear, I am stuck.

If I were to stick to - NO _ TOO LATE -IT'S OVER - NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY YOU'RE 'GOING TO DO' and follow through, is when the threats start. They're not physical threats. They're not always even voiced, but more like indicated. It's just an underlying feeling that THERE WILL BE TROUBLE. In a nutshell, he won't let me go!

I had even gotten him to move out and he was seeing other women but he HAD to call me every day to keep me in the loop. I begged him to leave me alone but he said he 'had to be best friends with me'. He LOVED telling everyone he was single, but he was still telling me how much he loved me. I told him that if he was going to be single, THEN BE SINGLE, and that didn't include me, but he wouldn't acknowledge all the work I'd done, separating finances, etc. to GET US SINGLE. If we hadn't owned a house that's been hard to sell (without some major work done that we can't afford), I really would have made the final break, but we do and that financial connection has made us have to 'work together'. He was still having lots of fun playing both sides of the fence, until he had the heart attack. A bit of a wakeup call - but apparently not quite enough.

I've never been as serious before as I am now and he can sense it. I'm giving ultimatums I've never given. I'm willing to cut my losses and sell the house for nothing and move on. Now - he says he'll go into rehab and then AA. He wants me to be a part of it (for the family sessions). He says he wants to get better and knows he has to (since the heart attack). Of course - like many stories I've read here - in the past he has always said that he could 'quit any time' and that he could 'control his drinking' - none of which have ever been true in the 13 years I've known him.

After all the constant lies and infidelity, as well as constantly stirring up our lives with his drama, not to mention costing us thousands of dollars for his habit, along with verbal and emotional abuse, I don't know. I've been walking on eggshells for so long around him I've lost sense of what I SHOULD be doing instead. I think with HIS voice in my head, constantly. Where did I lose mine?

I feel he's just worried about losing his enabler and that he won't follow through on any of it, unless I maintain how serious I am about this, which takes a lot of strength and effort that I often don't have. He likes to calm me down 'in the moment' when I tell him 'I've had enough!' He offers to do anything I want during those times. Can I get you this? Can I do that for you? Do you want a massage? JUST TO SHUT ME UP FOR A BIT - and then it's back to the drunken raging and demands.

My problem is that I've been so destroyed by him that I can barely remember what love and happiness are anymore, not to mention just contentment or feeling relaxed and comfortable. I'm not sure why he deserves for me to even wait while he goes through this process to get better (if in fact he even does). I'm not sure I can so easily let go of all the crippling pain he has caused in my life. Right now I do not trust him, because he has lied about everything.

Has anyone gone through this process and ended up learning happiness again or is that just what we see in the movies? Also - have you been able to forgive and forget and let go of the past to start anew? I'd give anything to wake up in the morning feeling happy about the day - looking forward to something - anything - small or large.

Sugah

My circumstances were different, but, yes, I did get out and get better. One of the differences was that I carried the addict label. It's not for me to label him, but he used, too, and I couldn't live with him and live clean at the same time. Financially, I took a hit, but it was what was best for me.

I'm happily re-married today, and life has gone on--better and happier than before.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Sugah

My apologies. I thought I was in the Women's Forum. I hope my post might still be of some use.

(I am and "friend and family" to many alcoholics, though)

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Barbara52

Sounds to me like you could benefit from a separation (doesn't have to be permanent or lead to divorce unless you decide that is what you need) that can give you time and space to begin healing and to give yourself time and space to think outside the madness you are currently in. It will allow both of you to concentrate on your own recoveries and figure out if you have a future together.

LaTeeDa

Part of the reason I was stuck on the emotional rollercoaster for so long was the all-or-nothing, black-or-white, right-or-wrong thinking that I had developed. I see it a lot on this board. The alcoholic promises to get clean, go to AA, make everything right. The codependent then sees two choices. 1) Take him back, believe the promises, risk being disappointed again. 2) Say no, it's over, you had your chance and you blew it.

There are so many other options. How about--That's great that you want to get sober. I am supportive of your efforts, but we can't live together until I figure out what's right for me. Let's talk in six months and see where you are at in your sobriety and where I'm at in my recovery.

L

JustMeInWI

I just want to echo what LaTeeDa said. I lived in the "black-and-white-only" options for way too long - largely because (though I didn't realize it at the time), that was how AH would put it to me:
AH: I'm really going to change now. I'm attending AA.
Me: That's great. But you've hurt me a lot and I need to work on me now.
AH: So that's it then? You don't want anything to do with me? You can't wait to get away from me? You hate me? Well, I guess I can't stop you.
Me: No! That's not what I mean! (then in my head I'd give up and stay there because I didn't want to "hurt him")

PLEASE please consider other "gray" options. I agree with others that a separation would be really healthy for BOTH of you. Give you both some time away to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELVES (because until this time, neither of you have been taking care of yourselves). Make sure to set an initial time-frame. I learned that with my first separation, I didn't give AH a timeframe "needed" - so after 4 weeks he was tired of living in a spare room with a friend and up and moved himself back in with me. And things went downhill even faster than before we separated. This time I've moved out and told him I need to not speak with him for a year.

Take steps for YOU - for what YOU NEED - for what you WANT for YOU (not him).

YOU ARE WORTH IT!