grand parent was the alcoholic
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 167
grand parent was the alcoholic
I have married an alcoholic. I know how crazy he has made me in the past 8 years we have been together. If we ran out of an item at home, when drunk he would go on and on about it, even though we live very close to a supermarket. Any mistake would be amplified to the point that I lived in fear. I could never give him good news that happened to me because that would mean I was 'up myself'.
Recently I went to Al-Anon and the people there didn't just identify themselves with the current alcoholic in their lives but also as adult children of alcoholics. There was a lady who was even further removed - a child of adult children of alcoholics ie. a grandparent would have been the alcoholic. And it dawned on me that is what I am. My father was an adult child of an alcoholic.
This is how I have viewed his behaviour in the past. My father was emotionally and verbally abusive. He would niggle and try and push my buttons as a teenager. Show me the 'correct way' to do something, what I did was never good enough. He would make fun of me in front of family friends. He would lie about what I did to make his stories more entertaining and to minimise his mistakes. When I blew up, he would call me crazy.
This is how I view it now in light of having lived with an alcoholic. My father was terrified of making mistakes. I can imagine that he still thought he would 'get it when dad got home'. He was scared of me making mistakes. When I cleaned out the family home after his death, there were boxes and boxes of the same grocery items. He mocked me because that is what he heard growing up and he never had the tools to break the cycle.
I have had 35 years of life experience, using all my coping mechanisms and I was going crazy living with my husband. What was it doing to the children who had no outlets? Look what it did to my dad. It made him a stunted man who thought it was ok to have two faces - one for public, one for private. Growing up I thought I was crazy. Angry, antisocial little girl. I was quite depressed in my late teens and early 20's.
I'm more compassionate towards my father and towards my husband. I know how messed up I am and I wasn't even a witness to the insanity of a drunken parent. My husband did see his father physically abuse his mother. I remember a counsellor saying, 'You don't hate the person, you hate the behaviour.' I understand what he meant now. That we are products of our upbringing.
Ok, but we are adults now and we can change. No excuses for me to stay stuck especially now that I have woken up to what is wrong. My husband is still in hero worship mode when it comes to his father. He will only say a word against him when he is drunk. Sober, he will tell me that his dad was a great man. Why can't he see it?
Recently I went to Al-Anon and the people there didn't just identify themselves with the current alcoholic in their lives but also as adult children of alcoholics. There was a lady who was even further removed - a child of adult children of alcoholics ie. a grandparent would have been the alcoholic. And it dawned on me that is what I am. My father was an adult child of an alcoholic.
This is how I have viewed his behaviour in the past. My father was emotionally and verbally abusive. He would niggle and try and push my buttons as a teenager. Show me the 'correct way' to do something, what I did was never good enough. He would make fun of me in front of family friends. He would lie about what I did to make his stories more entertaining and to minimise his mistakes. When I blew up, he would call me crazy.
This is how I view it now in light of having lived with an alcoholic. My father was terrified of making mistakes. I can imagine that he still thought he would 'get it when dad got home'. He was scared of me making mistakes. When I cleaned out the family home after his death, there were boxes and boxes of the same grocery items. He mocked me because that is what he heard growing up and he never had the tools to break the cycle.
I have had 35 years of life experience, using all my coping mechanisms and I was going crazy living with my husband. What was it doing to the children who had no outlets? Look what it did to my dad. It made him a stunted man who thought it was ok to have two faces - one for public, one for private. Growing up I thought I was crazy. Angry, antisocial little girl. I was quite depressed in my late teens and early 20's.
I'm more compassionate towards my father and towards my husband. I know how messed up I am and I wasn't even a witness to the insanity of a drunken parent. My husband did see his father physically abuse his mother. I remember a counsellor saying, 'You don't hate the person, you hate the behaviour.' I understand what he meant now. That we are products of our upbringing.
Ok, but we are adults now and we can change. No excuses for me to stay stuck especially now that I have woken up to what is wrong. My husband is still in hero worship mode when it comes to his father. He will only say a word against him when he is drunk. Sober, he will tell me that his dad was a great man. Why can't he see it?
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Everyone is seeing things through their own filters. Maybe your husband needs to feel the way he does for some reason. Who knows. It is not something we can control.
I'm glad you are recognizing that your father's upbringing shaped how he treated YOU, and therefore how you turned out. That's such a critical piece of the puzzle, and after we see it, it's like the genie's out of the bottle and you can't stuff him back in. You've opened a whole new door on yourself.
We are adults now, you're right. Blessings on you and all the folks who come to SR to help in building a toolkit for recovery. You sound like you're on the right track, ICant.
Hang in there
GL
I'm glad you are recognizing that your father's upbringing shaped how he treated YOU, and therefore how you turned out. That's such a critical piece of the puzzle, and after we see it, it's like the genie's out of the bottle and you can't stuff him back in. You've opened a whole new door on yourself.
We are adults now, you're right. Blessings on you and all the folks who come to SR to help in building a toolkit for recovery. You sound like you're on the right track, ICant.
Hang in there
GL
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