why does he just want to be friends?

Old 12-04-2008, 09:16 PM
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why does he just want to be friends?

i broke no contact with my ex. he wrote me an email reeling me back in, after not too much success in talking to me when we were both at a free concert- he tried to make me feel guilty for it. he ended it with something about glad to see ive grown up a bit, and this is where all our history's gone.

it was only a few lines but i wrote back a long letter basically telling him that i was sorry if he felt it was selfish, but it wasnt- and that i had told him i was doing this because of my broken heart. from a decision he made (to keep using and not be together, i guess) and that i could say the same thing- couldnt we have worked it out, this is where all our history's gone? i also said it was hurtful and maybe selfish of him to not think of the other person with feelings in this equation just because he was okay with it and wanted to be friends. i also said that the reason i wrote him the last letter was so hed known i are when times got hard and that i didnt have a hyper romantic letter to remind me- all i had was a broken heart and a cold side of the bed. i told him seeing him only reminds me of this and if we were friends id just want to remind him of this, so we cant be friends.

although we broke up technically because i initiated it, he didnt seem upset or bothered by the breakup other than me not talking to him. it was sort of a backhanded breakup. it made me feel like a terrible girlfriend, and i still have a lot of guilt that i wasnt good for the role. i was depressed, clingy, needy, etc. and never happy.


anyway, he read my response and said NOTHING so i wrote him back saying that next time he couldnt remember why we couldnt talk he should figure it out and that he made me feel vulnerable- got what he wanted (to know i still cared) and said nothing.

he wrote me back, he said he wasnt trying to make feel vulnerable, that he was genuinely bothered by not being able to talk to me when he saw me. that his heart fell into his stomach when he saw me, and that it took him awhile to approach me. he said he "missed me and wanted to see me for a long time now"... but, that he knew he couldnt see me, but that was his chance to. he said "ive been working on myself, probably not as much as you would like, but he moved to the city and got a new job.

i wrote him back, to tell him that i was proud (so he wouldnt think i was shaming him for not working harder or whatever), and to congratulate him of him that i was working on me too.

he wrote back again to say he really liked his apartment. and talked about it for a few sentences.

i just crumbled and wrote back i miss you? i really was more interested in what he thought about me missing him, basically from a conversation where my friend said when him and his off and on ex get back together its because she says she misses him. but he responded yes he misses me, misses talking to me, misses seeing me. misses me. he misses the **** out of me. he said he was sorry if he missed that point in his last email, but was that a bad thing?

not sure if he meant missing me, or the fact that he left it out. anyway, i cant say i dont want to get back together but i know for sure that i am VERY sick and VERY depressed and even if he was a healthy functioning person i could not be with him because it wouldnt be fair to him. BUT there is a part of me that just wants him to want me.

he didnt say he missed being my boyfriend, or missed being with me. i cant read minds but im assuming that since he hasnt said so, i doubt he wants to get back together. all he says is that he wants to be friends, thats what he told me when we broke up. that we were hurting but for different reasons. or something. i dont understand how i can go from one role to the other. i dont think its fair to him because i will always have impure intentions such as trying to get him to feel the same way.

i know he is an alcoholic, i know that i SHOULDNT want to be with him i know i deserve better. i appreciate these thoughts but they dont over rule the fact that i love him, he is my first love (i try not to say true love, now thanks TC) and i have tried to date others and never felt like they cared about me like this person or i was attracted to them or vice versa. i know i need to work onmyself but im so caught up on this. and worn out emotionally from grieving.

Last edited by genrs123; 12-04-2008 at 09:31 PM.
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Old 12-04-2008, 10:01 PM
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I used to want my exah to want me back too, so I thought, but now I'm so glad that he is my ex, after a while I just felt better. I had no contact with him, untill he was sober, now I talk to him and I'm glad he is doing well, but I have no need to "make" him want to be with me, I was no more good for him as he was for me.I let go and I got the help to do so by comming here and attending allanon, I hope you find what helps you
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Old 12-05-2008, 06:14 AM
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Obviously I don't know much about your situation, i.e. how long you've dated, how long he's been an active alcoholic. Here's what I think based on mine:

Advanced alcoholism can cause the A to isolate and break off relationships, parents, siblings, wives, etc. This happens because they no longer want the the pressure of measuring up to the role of son, father, husband. They want to get rid of those expectations and take up with new friends where nothing is expected of them. So that may drive the A to get into new relationships -- I don't have to be dad and breadwinner, I can just drink drink drink with my new girlfriend who happens to be in the adult entertainment business.

At the same time, I think my AXH reaches out in moments of clarity, although it doesn't stop him from doing whatever he was going to do anyway. So... he may call, call, call - leave me an urgent message to return the call, then not answer when I do. I no longer return his calls, but it strikes me that he's looking for a life-line when he reaches out, then he changes his mind and reverts back to his alcoholic altar-ego.

My XAH repeatedly quacks about being friends. When he first started saying that, I would explain how after 21 years of marriage, I can't just become a buddy, while he dates other women. How could you meet for coffee and discuss his new gf, after years of having a long-term intimate relationship?? My ah never got that, and I just chalk it up to his scrambled brain. He seems to genuinely believe that being friends is reasonable. I also think he's motivated by guilt. If he could tell everyone we just met for lunch, then he's not so bad -- right? He can rationalize that what he did to the family wasn't a big deal since we can all be civil and make nice.

My 2 cents worth...
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Old 12-05-2008, 06:51 AM
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beagle;
your post really hit home with me. I still have to remind myself that this is how they operate. Without the understanding of this type of 'push me pull you' behavior the confusion is horrible. Thanks for the reminder.
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Old 12-05-2008, 07:31 AM
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Hits home for me too. After exah has destroyed his family, me, himself and now moved on with the woman he cheated on me with he thinks we can be all friendly and nicey nice. Not happening for me. He did horrific things. Hurtful things.

By them thinking that everyone is 'ok' with the situation I think it relieves alot of guilt they have.
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Old 12-05-2008, 08:22 AM
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Not every love is meant to last forever.

He brought joy to your life for a time, he laughed with you and held you for a time.
Now perhaps that time is over.
It seems that continuing to be around him/talk to him is painful for you, now. You cry and doubt yourself.
Your involvement with this man keeps you from exploring yourself and the other loves that are possible for you.

And they are possible.
I know that it's hard.

Take care and hugs to you today.
-TC
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Old 12-05-2008, 09:56 AM
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ah who hasnt broken the no contact rule, course i can tell you the letters you write him arent going to make him wake up and realize anything, ive almost given my self carpal tunnel writing letters to my xah at one time and they did absolutely nothing to him, nothing got through to his head, except to maybe make him think ill take him back for the rest of my life

i would say the whole friend thing is to keep you on a string for when he wants to pull you in again

beaglebaby-loved your post, really hits home and reminds me of an addicts patterns
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Old 12-05-2008, 01:26 PM
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thanks beagle baby, that really makes sense. i think it is partially because of guilt and partially because i am one of the few life lines.

it hurts so much. although i know we cant be together due to our (separate) issues right now, i really just at least wanted him to want me in the same wy. i jsut cant be his friend the same way you couldnt. it hurts. it feels like he doesnt understand why icouldnt be a better more fun girlfriend . which i couldnt. i wish he atleast wanted to try to work on it, but i know hes doing me a favor by not.
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Old 12-05-2008, 08:02 PM
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it just seems to validate that i was a bad girlfriend. i wonder if hell ever get that i did the best i could, and that i was depressed. it just hurts that hed rather move on to some other girl, even though yes, i guess its a girl with low or no expectations rather than me. it makes me feel like i as too much to handle and i just dont understand how he could go from girlfriend to FRIEND. it just hurts.

i stopped running today because i burst in to tears thinking about at one point after we broke up he wouldnt go on a walk with me because it was "dating stuff and we couldnt do that" . i always have HOPE well get back together and he dashed it. i am afraid today, to ask him if maybe there is a bit more of a possibility when IM the one that shouldnt want anything.
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