Daydreams of Using...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Biloxi, Mississippi
Posts: 31
Daydreams of Using...
alright, as you all know, its been a tough week for me. fighting with the boyfriend...problems at work...yadayadayada. well, two days ago my pc crashed. was pretty worried i wouldn't get it working again. but luckily, with a restore cd and fifty bucks to talk to a guy in india for three hours, i'm back online.
rambling aside... i've been thinking a lot about pills lately. i miss the way they made me feel. i miss the energy. i miss feeling like i could accomplish any task under the sun. i miss feeling fulfilled. i even miss the way i would abuse them (crushing them up and snorting them *i know, it was bad*). i miss that rush. i miss walking around work, knowing i had 5 lortab 10mgs stuck in my bra and i could take one whenever my heart desired.
does anyone else ever think about these things? i mean, we all know that our drug/alcohol abuse was a bad thing, but do you ever miss how good it made you feel?
don't get me wrong, i love knowing that i'm doing something wonderful with my life. its just hard not to think about all the times i've used. all the fun stuff i did. sometimes i wonder if i can have a good time without drugs.
rambling aside... i've been thinking a lot about pills lately. i miss the way they made me feel. i miss the energy. i miss feeling like i could accomplish any task under the sun. i miss feeling fulfilled. i even miss the way i would abuse them (crushing them up and snorting them *i know, it was bad*). i miss that rush. i miss walking around work, knowing i had 5 lortab 10mgs stuck in my bra and i could take one whenever my heart desired.
does anyone else ever think about these things? i mean, we all know that our drug/alcohol abuse was a bad thing, but do you ever miss how good it made you feel?
don't get me wrong, i love knowing that i'm doing something wonderful with my life. its just hard not to think about all the times i've used. all the fun stuff i did. sometimes i wonder if i can have a good time without drugs.
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
Shelly, do you have any face to face support? Someone you can go to and "tell on yourself?" Posting here helps, but who do you have "out there" to help you keep accountable?
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: NY State
Posts: 114
wow...for me I remember my family disgusted with me, feeling like I could never get enough sleep, knowing I couldn't function without "something", not being able to stop when I wanted to, knowing it could kill me but still using, not using the money to fix my computer, and mostly... not knowing the real me. I play the tape all the way through and always remember why I wanted to be clean and sober...I wanted a life.(((ShellySprinkle))) Keep talking about it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: GA
Posts: 9
i feel for ya. i was crushing and snorting xanax on a daily basis. wake up to 5mg, do some in the bathroom during an art studio, then back to my place and do some more, then do some mixed with some coke, then more coke, then more xanax, maybe some oxycontin mixed in with all that, maybe freebase a little then just repeat...
im having a hard day today. nothing stressful going on by any means, just another day of the week with nothing but my sculpting and painting to keep my mind off this crap. still, i cant stop visualizing coke and pills and giant lines of drugs and rolled up bills. it really sucks, so i definately know what your going through.
all i can say is just try and keep occupied. as sugah said, some face time with someone you can confide in is always good. unfortunately i have not a single sober friend, or friend here period, so ive got this board, or myself to confide in right now.
just remain positive that as long as you arent doing the drugs, your always a step above wherever you were in your past, thats what keeps me clean. for a long time, i would get terrible urges for any drug i could get, and id go as far as to tear appart my room looking in every pocket, every container, every single item that i had that could possibly have some trace of drugs in there. im getting better because normally i just think about the unfruitful efforts to find hidden drugs in the past, and just get on with what im doing.
just never stop thinking about how quickly your life will spiral out of control if you do just one drug... just one tab10, just one oxy... at that point your giving in and loosing complete control over your life, and everyone here knows where that will lead.
stay strong!
im having a hard day today. nothing stressful going on by any means, just another day of the week with nothing but my sculpting and painting to keep my mind off this crap. still, i cant stop visualizing coke and pills and giant lines of drugs and rolled up bills. it really sucks, so i definately know what your going through.
all i can say is just try and keep occupied. as sugah said, some face time with someone you can confide in is always good. unfortunately i have not a single sober friend, or friend here period, so ive got this board, or myself to confide in right now.
just remain positive that as long as you arent doing the drugs, your always a step above wherever you were in your past, thats what keeps me clean. for a long time, i would get terrible urges for any drug i could get, and id go as far as to tear appart my room looking in every pocket, every container, every single item that i had that could possibly have some trace of drugs in there. im getting better because normally i just think about the unfruitful efforts to find hidden drugs in the past, and just get on with what im doing.
just never stop thinking about how quickly your life will spiral out of control if you do just one drug... just one tab10, just one oxy... at that point your giving in and loosing complete control over your life, and everyone here knows where that will lead.
stay strong!
mle-sober
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
Funny you should ask....
I recently realized I've been having a little fantesy on a constant loop in my brain. It goes like this: I'm by myself. I drive my car to the place I used to park overlooking the ocean. I unroll the window and listen to Cold Play real loud while I smoke a joint and watch the waves.
My real life looks like this: In the morning, I hit the ground running - getting 4 kids off to school, doing endless loads of dishes and laundry, carrying in and putting away bag after bag of groceries, cooking, cleaning, helping with homework, driving kids to activities, giving baths, taking out the kitty litter, breaking up fights between kids and fending off fights with my husband. One day a week, I paint. But sometimes, I can't because someone is sick or I'm needed to help my mom do something.
I go to 1-2 AA meetings a week and 1 evening aftercare group. And I check in here for a few minutes each day.
I'm not worried about my little fantesy. I know it's just a fantesy. Wine was always my drug of choice anyway. I've never even owned the car that's in my daydream. Heck, I don't even look like me in my own daydream (that's kind of sad). The whole point is that it takes me OUT of the constant struggle of daily life.
Sober daily life is a struggle.
Drunk daily life was like a line of blurry, messy wrong moves after irresponsible, dim, irrelevant, distructive and poisoness wrong moves. After another after another after another. Like a damn mouse on a wheel. Thinking it's fun and he's going somewhere.
My point? I guess that if I have made the transition from so much pointlessness to the daily grind of living my life, I'm really not worried about the movie playing in my head where I'm alone watching the ocean and I'm skinny and beautiful with flowing long hair and I have a joint in my hand. It's so NOT real. And it's so NOT gonna happen.
I recently realized I've been having a little fantesy on a constant loop in my brain. It goes like this: I'm by myself. I drive my car to the place I used to park overlooking the ocean. I unroll the window and listen to Cold Play real loud while I smoke a joint and watch the waves.
My real life looks like this: In the morning, I hit the ground running - getting 4 kids off to school, doing endless loads of dishes and laundry, carrying in and putting away bag after bag of groceries, cooking, cleaning, helping with homework, driving kids to activities, giving baths, taking out the kitty litter, breaking up fights between kids and fending off fights with my husband. One day a week, I paint. But sometimes, I can't because someone is sick or I'm needed to help my mom do something.
I go to 1-2 AA meetings a week and 1 evening aftercare group. And I check in here for a few minutes each day.
I'm not worried about my little fantesy. I know it's just a fantesy. Wine was always my drug of choice anyway. I've never even owned the car that's in my daydream. Heck, I don't even look like me in my own daydream (that's kind of sad). The whole point is that it takes me OUT of the constant struggle of daily life.
Sober daily life is a struggle.
Drunk daily life was like a line of blurry, messy wrong moves after irresponsible, dim, irrelevant, distructive and poisoness wrong moves. After another after another after another. Like a damn mouse on a wheel. Thinking it's fun and he's going somewhere.
My point? I guess that if I have made the transition from so much pointlessness to the daily grind of living my life, I'm really not worried about the movie playing in my head where I'm alone watching the ocean and I'm skinny and beautiful with flowing long hair and I have a joint in my hand. It's so NOT real. And it's so NOT gonna happen.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Biloxi, Mississippi
Posts: 31
Originally Posted by Sugah 
Shelly, do you have any face to face support? Someone you can go to and "tell on yourself?" Posting here helps, but who do you have "out there" to help you keep accountable?
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Peace & Love,
Sugah
not really. my mom only knows about addiction from dealing with my dad and brother and sister. my dad and brother are dead from an overdose on opiates, and my sister was hooked on meth. she kind of understands, but she lives a state away from me. my boyfriend belittles me. this board is pretty much all i have.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Biloxi, Mississippi
Posts: 31
Originally Posted by Celebration1994
wow...for me I remember my family disgusted with me, feeling like I could never get enough sleep, knowing I couldn't function without "something", not being able to stop when I wanted to, knowing it could kill me but still using, not using the money to fix my computer, and mostly... not knowing the real me. I play the tape all the way through and always remember why I wanted to be clean and sober...I wanted a life.(((ShellySprinkle))) Keep talking about it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Biloxi, Mississippi
Posts: 31
Originally Posted by mle-sober
Funny you should ask....
I recently realized I've been having a little fantesy on a constant loop in my brain. It goes like this: I'm by myself. I drive my car to the place I used to park overlooking the ocean. I unroll the window and listen to Cold Play real loud while I smoke a joint and watch the waves.
My real life looks like this: In the morning, I hit the ground running - getting 4 kids off to school, doing endless loads of dishes and laundry, carrying in and putting away bag after bag of groceries, cooking, cleaning, helping with homework, driving kids to activities, giving baths, taking out the kitty litter, breaking up fights between kids and fending off fights with my husband. One day a week, I paint. But sometimes, I can't because someone is sick or I'm needed to help my mom do something.
I go to 1-2 AA meetings a week and 1 evening aftercare group. And I check in here for a few minutes each day.
I'm not worried about my little fantesy. I know it's just a fantesy. Wine was always my drug of choice anyway. I've never even owned the car that's in my daydream. Heck, I don't even look like me in my own daydream (that's kind of sad). The whole point is that it takes me OUT of the constant struggle of daily life.
Sober daily life is a struggle.
Drunk daily life was like a line of blurry, messy wrong moves after irresponsible, dim, irrelevant, distructive and poisoness wrong moves. After another after another after another. Like a damn mouse on a wheel. Thinking it's fun and he's going somewhere.
My point? I guess that if I have made the transition from so much pointlessness to the daily grind of living my life, I'm really not worried about the movie playing in my head where I'm alone watching the ocean and I'm skinny and beautiful with flowing long hair and I have a joint in my hand. It's so NOT real. And it's so NOT gonna happen.
I recently realized I've been having a little fantesy on a constant loop in my brain. It goes like this: I'm by myself. I drive my car to the place I used to park overlooking the ocean. I unroll the window and listen to Cold Play real loud while I smoke a joint and watch the waves.
My real life looks like this: In the morning, I hit the ground running - getting 4 kids off to school, doing endless loads of dishes and laundry, carrying in and putting away bag after bag of groceries, cooking, cleaning, helping with homework, driving kids to activities, giving baths, taking out the kitty litter, breaking up fights between kids and fending off fights with my husband. One day a week, I paint. But sometimes, I can't because someone is sick or I'm needed to help my mom do something.
I go to 1-2 AA meetings a week and 1 evening aftercare group. And I check in here for a few minutes each day.
I'm not worried about my little fantesy. I know it's just a fantesy. Wine was always my drug of choice anyway. I've never even owned the car that's in my daydream. Heck, I don't even look like me in my own daydream (that's kind of sad). The whole point is that it takes me OUT of the constant struggle of daily life.
Sober daily life is a struggle.
Drunk daily life was like a line of blurry, messy wrong moves after irresponsible, dim, irrelevant, distructive and poisoness wrong moves. After another after another after another. Like a damn mouse on a wheel. Thinking it's fun and he's going somewhere.
My point? I guess that if I have made the transition from so much pointlessness to the daily grind of living my life, I'm really not worried about the movie playing in my head where I'm alone watching the ocean and I'm skinny and beautiful with flowing long hair and I have a joint in my hand. It's so NOT real. And it's so NOT gonna happen.
i think you are a beautiful person just for talking to me. :ghug3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Biloxi, Mississippi
Posts: 31
Originally Posted by retroshark
i feel for ya. i was crushing and snorting xanax on a daily basis. wake up to 5mg, do some in the bathroom during an art studio, then back to my place and do some more, then do some mixed with some coke, then more coke, then more xanax, maybe some oxycontin mixed in with all that, maybe freebase a little then just repeat...
im having a hard day today. nothing stressful going on by any means, just another day of the week with nothing but my sculpting and painting to keep my mind off this crap. still, i cant stop visualizing coke and pills and giant lines of drugs and rolled up bills. it really sucks, so i definately know what your going through.
all i can say is just try and keep occupied. as sugah said, some face time with someone you can confide in is always good. unfortunately i have not a single sober friend, or friend here period, so ive got this board, or myself to confide in right now.
just remain positive that as long as you arent doing the drugs, your always a step above wherever you were in your past, thats what keeps me clean. for a long time, i would get terrible urges for any drug i could get, and id go as far as to tear appart my room looking in every pocket, every container, every single item that i had that could possibly have some trace of drugs in there. im getting better because normally i just think about the unfruitful efforts to find hidden drugs in the past, and just get on with what im doing.
just never stop thinking about how quickly your life will spiral out of control if you do just one drug... just one tab10, just one oxy... at that point your giving in and loosing complete control over your life, and everyone here knows where that will lead.
stay strong!
im having a hard day today. nothing stressful going on by any means, just another day of the week with nothing but my sculpting and painting to keep my mind off this crap. still, i cant stop visualizing coke and pills and giant lines of drugs and rolled up bills. it really sucks, so i definately know what your going through.
all i can say is just try and keep occupied. as sugah said, some face time with someone you can confide in is always good. unfortunately i have not a single sober friend, or friend here period, so ive got this board, or myself to confide in right now.
just remain positive that as long as you arent doing the drugs, your always a step above wherever you were in your past, thats what keeps me clean. for a long time, i would get terrible urges for any drug i could get, and id go as far as to tear appart my room looking in every pocket, every container, every single item that i had that could possibly have some trace of drugs in there. im getting better because normally i just think about the unfruitful efforts to find hidden drugs in the past, and just get on with what im doing.
just never stop thinking about how quickly your life will spiral out of control if you do just one drug... just one tab10, just one oxy... at that point your giving in and loosing complete control over your life, and everyone here knows where that will lead.
stay strong!
so many people that found out about my little snorting habit, they think i'm disgusting. they just don't "get it". its nice to know someone else here has that same little twist to their addiction. thank you so much for replying.
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