justaboutus

My STBXAH keeps throwing me this crumb... He says he loves me desperately. I believe him. I feel like this is the last rope tying us together, and I want to break it. The statement is saturated with guilt and pain. And yet, if he did love me so desperately, wouldn't he leap a the chance to save our marriage? Instead, I've seen two years of inaction and avoidance. Why does he think he loves me so much? I don't understand... I know there is no understanding an A, but I need some sort of closure with this.

I would say that I just don't want to hurt him, but I hurt him daily (verbally/emotionally) trying to break this love he has for me.

Can someone shed some light on this for me? Perhaps some RA's?

blessed4x

My AH says the same thing, but his actions don't match his words. I've been told that I should watch what he does instaed of listening to what he says.

I agree, we'll never know for sure. I have good days, even weeks, where I don't even think about it and am able to detach. Then something will trigger my wondering and I am right back where I started. In my situation I believe it to be a way to control (keep me and his comfortable life at home drinking) and not upset the status quo. Mine would say how much he loved me and would do ANYTHING to help our relationship. I would go through the list.....counseling, AA, medical care, not drinking in the house and with each thing he would say "Except for that".

I guess my demands were as much of an effort to control him. I think we just "controlled" each other in a different way. And it could be that they are trying to convince themselves that they love us because they do have some guilt about their behavior. Either way.....the words just don't match the actions.

Barbara52

In love as in sobriety, actions speak louder than words. I know how I act toward those I love. I know what sort of actions and behaviors fit and do not fit my definition of loving behaviors. If someone claims love for me but does not act in a manner that falls within my definition, I do not accept their professions of love as valid for me.

Perhaps its time for you to examine what love means to you? Hhow do you act toward someone you love? How does someone who loves you act toward you? Does what happening match your definition of love? If not, what does that mean going forward?

justaboutus

I have no love for him. Our relationship sucks. It's a sham of a marriage, but for some reason when he says he loves me and his voice cracks a little, I fall apart. I guess I do still love the man I used to love, but he's not here anymore. I'm just left with an alcoholic that looks and sounds like the man I love. I know this, I'm just having a heck of a time getting over it. Right now, I'm just pretending it doesn't bother me, but it REALLY REALLY DOES.

Barbara52

Perhaps its time to stop pretending and deal in reality?

justaboutus

Ok, so the fact that he's still in love (or thinks he is) bothers me. I can't do anything about him, what can I do? I don't love him. When I think about men, it's not him. He does nothing for me. I guess I just need to detach more?

GrowingPains

Mine says the same thing and it used to confuse me. I now realize his version of "love" doesn't work for me.

GiveLove

sorry you're dealing with this, justaboutus.

I finally had to stop giving my X opportunities to say 'i love you.' He wasn't going to stop saying it, his version of love was cr@p (basically it meant, I need you to be in love with me but I'm going to keep drinking and lying), and I couldn't stand it any more. I had to eventually go no-contact with him.

If you have to stay with him (do you?) then you're almost forced to learn some pretty heavy detachment skills around this. I couldn't do it, myself, but wish you good luck in it.

justaboutus

It doesn't change anything, but... I want to be loved. I want to be in a relationship. I hear "I love you" and my heart leaps, then I realize it's him and I remember what his version of love is, and I'm disappointed yet again.

I've never thought of myself as one of those women who HAS to be in a relationship all the time, but I will miss it. The good stuff anyway. Perhaps I'm grieving too?

LaTeeDa

Do you want to be loved? Or do you want someone who says "I love you"? Big difference in my book. I once told my AH "I cannot hear your words because your actions are drowning them out."

L

justaboutus

I'm so using that one...

I want to be loved, I've just developed this knee jerk reaction because the words are all I get. Ugh... that's so sad.

freya

...yup.....when there's a discrepency between someome's talk and their walk, the wise woman always listens to and believes the walk.

Personally, I also find it helpful to remember that the addict's "map" of reality is like the pre-Columbus map of the world: He's in the center of it all and nothing, absolutely nothing, is as important to him as the ability to continue to indulge in his addicitive behavior. Now, in terms of how I understand and define "love" it is not possible for someone in that place to love another person in a healthy, realistic and mature way.

....it's sad, it hurts, and it's not what any of us want it to be....But by denying and/or refusing to accept the truth of it only makes us complicit in deepening and prolonging our own suffering.

freya

.....And, BTW, even if he did love you, you seem to be pretty clear of the fact that you don't love him and the relationship, in any meaningful sense, is done....So what are you doing waiting around for him to "not love you" in order to end it????...You don't need his, or anybody else's permission to get out of a situation that is not working for you.

GiveLove

Words are all you get FROM HIM and all you're getting AT THIS MOMENT in your life.

But this pain might just be teaching you something valuable about your own needs.
It may be leading you somewhere wonderful, justaboutus. Knowing what's valuable to us is the key to finding it.

justaboutus

I feel like I've known all this, but now I'm embracing it, and becoming comfortable with it. Before I would just have a rush of emotions (all negative) and then push it away. I think I'm ready for the next time he says it.

JustMeInWI

(((justaboutus))) I can totally relate. That's what held me to my AH for so long. What I finally realized was that it came down to the DEFINITION of the word "LOVE". What does it MEAN TO ME when I say it (or hear it)? What do I think it implies?

What stopped me in my tracks was when I began to realize that what "love" meant to me was TOTALLY DIFFERENT than what "love" meant to AH. This helped me detach a lot more. His definition of love translated loosely to mean "I want to have you here because I'm a mess and you can take care of and clean up my messes and I can depend on you emotionally and physically and mentally to take care of me, and I don't have to be so responsible."

However, don't get me wrong. Leaving him has not been easy. I've only been out of the house for about 4 weeks now... and it's really, really not easy. My heart aches a lot. And from what everyone else tells me, it will take a long time. But I have hope that I'm living my life based on the TRUTH and taking care of myself (finally). And I really do believe that someday the truth WILL set me free.

denny57

Letting go doesn't have to mean getting him to understand he doesn't "really" love you (or reaching that conclusion yourself). Perhaps he loves the best he can, even if that means love as manipulation.

beaglebaby

Nice post JustMe.

I think your comment about definitions is right on. In my case the question was not love -- but was instead about emotional needs. What helped me was to really examine whether or not he truly met my emotional needs during our marriage.

I had surgery recently and it really upset me to be in my 40's -- having to ask my mother to take me to the hospital and accompany me. I was just so sad and upset.

I mentioned that two a couple of different girlfriends -- one married to an A, the other divorced from an A. Both said that their husbands NEVER would have taken them to the hospital for surgery, and furthermore that they would never ASK, and they wouldn't even want him there anyway! They would never expect hubby to accompany them, give them a quick kiss as they headed to surgery, etc.

I really mulled that over. My hubby would have gone, yes. I totally expected that, no chance of him getting out of it. But did he really, really meet my emotional needs? Or did he just accompany me for that day, and then bow out as soon as he could? Then I really let myself dissect the memory and recall, yes he accompanied me when I had my hysterectomy; however I asked him to take off the day after and spend at home with me, and he couldn't -- too busy at work. Day after 2nd baby home from hospital, same thing -- gotta go to work. Hmmm. Is there a pattern here?

So when I really let myself think this through -- reality is that he threw me some bones and did what he absolutely had to, but skipped out as soon as he could -- usually breaking a promise along the way.

I can then consider that maybe next relationship -- I'd really make sure I understood whether my partner 1-said some words I wanted to hear and threw me a bone, then got of the situation FAST, or 2-gave me true emotional support because he wanted to and was capable of it, or 3-whether he really wasn't into that kind of emotional support but we both understood and accepted that.

For me it helps to review how I'm defining the need, carefully look at his past history, then think through his actions -- true actions, not what I wanted them to be. When I am really honest with myself, I'm finding there was less than meets the eye, and I was blissfully ignorant. I made some assumptions about our relationship that he really hadn't earned. I was only fooling myself.

So now is the time for me, to take off the rose-colored glasses...and take baby-steps forward to move to a healthier place.