Fell off the horse, funky receipt, paranoia
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Georgia
Posts: 85
Fell off the horse, funky receipt, paranoia
Hi,
My attempts to detach have failed again...I fell off the horse and can't understand the physiologic mechanism in my brain to continue the same behavior....guess it just called plain insane stupidity...I dont know.
At any rate after I did all the things to detach (except re-opening his access to send me a personal message after he left a phone message that his mom was sick). He sent a personal message before I left with my kids to drive them to Florida for Thanksgiving to see their grandparents. He said his neice was coming to visit for college break with her boyfriend and his mom did not have enough space for them to sleep and could he come sleep in my driveway??? duh...(I knew he was trying to make me feel for him sorry for him...of course I did not respond).
When I returned from the holidays, he left a message to let him know when I get in and that he rolled my garbage bin to the curb. I got weak and asked him to come get some fresh picked oranges for his mom...(I think it was because I missed him). He came and got the oranges and said he would be back later that night .I said "no you wont"...so that worked.
So, yesterday morning my car ran hot and began to tricke antifreeze. I dropped it by the repair place and later did not have a way to pick my kids up....sooo since I was also mad with my mom, I succumbed to temptation to call ABF to pick them up from school. He said yes...then he later told me he took off work all day, slept a lot and felt achy. It bothered me because he never calls me if he does. He used to just show up or calls after the normal hours he gets off work...said he was feeling bad and wanted to come over a minute. He looked malnourished ...asked for food..(I gave him a can of no-name soup)...he ate that and drank a beer.
At any rate, I saw an old receipt from Family Dollar stuck in my front porch hedges. I read it ..listed cheetoes .33, nacho cheese.33 doritoes, lip gloss 3.00, 2 Airwicks 1.00 each, 2 paper towels, toilet paper, Mondo juice and ...get this...handcuffs 2.00? and Fabuloso cleaner??? and something with the word "Truckin"....yeah when I saw the handcuffs (probably toy ones)...I was paranoid...because I recall him being in a drunken sleep one night and babbled out "did u take the handcuffs off me"????....So now I dont even want him to try to touch me ever again...yuck.
He blatently denied it was his...it was raggedy and with holes....at first I thought maybe it blew off the main highway where truckers pass a lot...but then again...I dunno...how did it blow all the way off the highway into my yard in the middle of a culdesac?...extremely paranoid about this because the receipt was dated on a Saturday evening when I work. He usually watches college football and there was no major games that evening when I worked.
I told him thanks for picking up the kids. I refused a hug and kiss from him...he says "you make it so hard for me to get along with you"....I was like hmmmm wonder who does not?? He left the next morning...acting resentful because I did not sleep with him...under his breath he said "have a nice day man"...I was like.."you too man".
Well thanks for being a sounding board...this post might not make any sense..its really a place to vent my feelings right now. I still feel angry and confused and paranoid about what he MIGHT be doing while we are detaching....but I know I will be alright as time passes and I continue to avoid contact as much as possible.
Peace, GG
My attempts to detach have failed again...I fell off the horse and can't understand the physiologic mechanism in my brain to continue the same behavior....guess it just called plain insane stupidity...I dont know.
At any rate after I did all the things to detach (except re-opening his access to send me a personal message after he left a phone message that his mom was sick). He sent a personal message before I left with my kids to drive them to Florida for Thanksgiving to see their grandparents. He said his neice was coming to visit for college break with her boyfriend and his mom did not have enough space for them to sleep and could he come sleep in my driveway??? duh...(I knew he was trying to make me feel for him sorry for him...of course I did not respond).
When I returned from the holidays, he left a message to let him know when I get in and that he rolled my garbage bin to the curb. I got weak and asked him to come get some fresh picked oranges for his mom...(I think it was because I missed him). He came and got the oranges and said he would be back later that night .I said "no you wont"...so that worked.
So, yesterday morning my car ran hot and began to tricke antifreeze. I dropped it by the repair place and later did not have a way to pick my kids up....sooo since I was also mad with my mom, I succumbed to temptation to call ABF to pick them up from school. He said yes...then he later told me he took off work all day, slept a lot and felt achy. It bothered me because he never calls me if he does. He used to just show up or calls after the normal hours he gets off work...said he was feeling bad and wanted to come over a minute. He looked malnourished ...asked for food..(I gave him a can of no-name soup)...he ate that and drank a beer.
At any rate, I saw an old receipt from Family Dollar stuck in my front porch hedges. I read it ..listed cheetoes .33, nacho cheese.33 doritoes, lip gloss 3.00, 2 Airwicks 1.00 each, 2 paper towels, toilet paper, Mondo juice and ...get this...handcuffs 2.00? and Fabuloso cleaner??? and something with the word "Truckin"....yeah when I saw the handcuffs (probably toy ones)...I was paranoid...because I recall him being in a drunken sleep one night and babbled out "did u take the handcuffs off me"????....So now I dont even want him to try to touch me ever again...yuck.
He blatently denied it was his...it was raggedy and with holes....at first I thought maybe it blew off the main highway where truckers pass a lot...but then again...I dunno...how did it blow all the way off the highway into my yard in the middle of a culdesac?...extremely paranoid about this because the receipt was dated on a Saturday evening when I work. He usually watches college football and there was no major games that evening when I worked.
I told him thanks for picking up the kids. I refused a hug and kiss from him...he says "you make it so hard for me to get along with you"....I was like hmmmm wonder who does not?? He left the next morning...acting resentful because I did not sleep with him...under his breath he said "have a nice day man"...I was like.."you too man".
Well thanks for being a sounding board...this post might not make any sense..its really a place to vent my feelings right now. I still feel angry and confused and paranoid about what he MIGHT be doing while we are detaching....but I know I will be alright as time passes and I continue to avoid contact as much as possible.
Peace, GG
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
(((Godsgirl)))))
I too have fallen off the horse, more times then I care to count.. but when I fall off I get right back on it and hang on for dear life..
Our recovery is a lot like their recovery in that it doesn't happen overnight.. I know all to well about the paranoia and the insanity.. sometimes I just have to take things one day at a time and go from there..
The receipt does sound weird and I have been down that avenue before too... but we both know that when questioned all we are going to get is another lie so why allow ourselves to be lied to..
Godsgirl, you are doing awesome... remember One Day at A Time..
I too have fallen off the horse, more times then I care to count.. but when I fall off I get right back on it and hang on for dear life..
Our recovery is a lot like their recovery in that it doesn't happen overnight.. I know all to well about the paranoia and the insanity.. sometimes I just have to take things one day at a time and go from there..
The receipt does sound weird and I have been down that avenue before too... but we both know that when questioned all we are going to get is another lie so why allow ourselves to be lied to..
Godsgirl, you are doing awesome... remember One Day at A Time..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Georgia
Posts: 85
Wow, what wonderful support...was sitting hear reading the encouragment...felt like a warm blanket on my heart...until..."DING DONG"...my door bell rings a few minutes ago...it was ABF..."Got off work early and came to get the little bit of beer I left in the fridge"...."I will call you later"......at any rate...thanks so much for your ongoing support..God knows I need it now
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 222
that is for sure a funky receipt......and the babbling in his sleep that possibly confirms that it was his......you don't need these games and doubts.
he sounds kind of like my BF......he does all kinds of awesome things for me.........then just gets wasted and abuses me (but to be honest i'm working on my own sobriety right now). it's a rollercoaster that makes you sick. best wishes & good luck.
he sounds kind of like my BF......he does all kinds of awesome things for me.........then just gets wasted and abuses me (but to be honest i'm working on my own sobriety right now). it's a rollercoaster that makes you sick. best wishes & good luck.
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