New Here - Facing The Nightmare ...
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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New Here - Facing The Nightmare ...
Hi - I'm new here but I shouldn't be. I should have been here a long time ago, but I'm sure I've been in denial that the alcoholic I've lived with for 13 years could have destroyed my life so badly. I've been down every avenue, trying to figure out why I'm so sick, both mentally and physically. I suffer from chronic pain. I have no joy in my life. I don't sleep well. I'm miserable. I feel that I'm sicker than the alcoholic himself, yet I don't drink a drop.
I've been seeing an abuse counsellor for 2 years, but the issue isn't around the alcohol as much it is the abuse, and how my life is so financially enmeshed with the abuser, that I'm getting more and more stuck as times goes by and finding it impossible to get out of this nightmare mess that I've gotten myself into. I keep making the wrong decisons and going around in circles and I believe that I'm literally driving myself insane over this.
He believes that he can stop anytime he wants and has no idea how devastating it is to deal with the childish rages and tantrums he has when he's inebriated. When he's sober he is a take charge guy who is very talented and productive. If someone were to stay - why do you stay? - it's because of the Jekyll/Hyde affect.
It just becomes impossible to believe that the guy who says he'll stop being that way and things will be fine, suddenly keep turning into the monster bringing on the nightmare. Insanity sets in after a while, and you start not to believe you can take care of yourself any longer, when you know you always did before and that somehow you NEED this alcoholic.
My question to anyone who reads this is:
Have you, or anyone you know gotten to be as sick as this from living with an alcoholic?
Thanks for listening ...
Dazed!
I've been seeing an abuse counsellor for 2 years, but the issue isn't around the alcohol as much it is the abuse, and how my life is so financially enmeshed with the abuser, that I'm getting more and more stuck as times goes by and finding it impossible to get out of this nightmare mess that I've gotten myself into. I keep making the wrong decisons and going around in circles and I believe that I'm literally driving myself insane over this.
He believes that he can stop anytime he wants and has no idea how devastating it is to deal with the childish rages and tantrums he has when he's inebriated. When he's sober he is a take charge guy who is very talented and productive. If someone were to stay - why do you stay? - it's because of the Jekyll/Hyde affect.
It just becomes impossible to believe that the guy who says he'll stop being that way and things will be fine, suddenly keep turning into the monster bringing on the nightmare. Insanity sets in after a while, and you start not to believe you can take care of yourself any longer, when you know you always did before and that somehow you NEED this alcoholic.
My question to anyone who reads this is:
Have you, or anyone you know gotten to be as sick as this from living with an alcoholic?
Thanks for listening ...
Dazed!
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 46
Also - I wanted to add something to this. I've become a person I don't even know. I have rages too now - but when I'm by myself. I cry and scream (when nobody can hear me). It's like something comes over me (perhaps from such bad sleep and such bad pain) and I just feel as though I'm losing my grip. I feel manic - but I was NEVER this way before. It's scary to me that this happens to me now.
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
Originally Posted by dazednconfuzed 
He believes that he can stop anytime he wants and has no idea how devastating it is to deal with the childish rages and tantrums he has when he's inebriated. When he's sober he is a take charge guy who is very talented and productive. If someone were to stay - why do you stay? - it's because of the Jekyll/Hyde affect.
It just becomes impossible to believe that the guy who says he'll stop being that way and things will be fine, suddenly keep turning into the monster bringing on the nightmare. Insanity sets in after a while, and you start not to believe you can take care of yourself any longer, when you know you always did before and that somehow you NEED this alcoholic.
My question to anyone who reads this is:
Have you, or anyone you know gotten to be as sick as this from living with an alcoholic?
Thanks for listening ...
Dazed!
It just becomes impossible to believe that the guy who says he'll stop being that way and things will be fine, suddenly keep turning into the monster bringing on the nightmare. Insanity sets in after a while, and you start not to believe you can take care of yourself any longer, when you know you always did before and that somehow you NEED this alcoholic.
My question to anyone who reads this is:
Have you, or anyone you know gotten to be as sick as this from living with an alcoholic?
Thanks for listening ...
Dazed!
I never knew how sick I was until I started getting better
as for the J & H....that's why we all stay...right?
I mean if he was an arse all the time it would be super easy to leave.....but they aren't they give you just enough to string you along (((())))
have you tried al anon? its a great place
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
Originally Posted by dazednconfuzed
Also - I wanted to add something to this. I've become a person I don't even know. I have rages too now - but when I'm by myself. I cry and scream (when nobody can hear me). It's like something comes over me (perhaps from such bad sleep and such bad pain) and I just feel as though I'm losing my grip. I feel manic - but I was NEVER this way before. It's scary to me that this happens to me now.
I am back now and things are no better......I am planning a more permanent move It takes a toll on your well being
take care of you....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Yes, I got sick. Our doctor told me I would die if I didn't get out.
I've thought a lot about the whole Jekyll and Hyde analogy that is made. I think in some respects it is a cop out (for me, too). Saying I was staying for the good just doesn't make sense, because the bad is so intolerable. So I had to get honest about why I was sticking around for the bad and using the excuse of the good to not have to change. Therapy and Al Anon helped me with that.
I've thought a lot about the whole Jekyll and Hyde analogy that is made. I think in some respects it is a cop out (for me, too). Saying I was staying for the good just doesn't make sense, because the bad is so intolerable. So I had to get honest about why I was sticking around for the bad and using the excuse of the good to not have to change. Therapy and Al Anon helped me with that.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 46
Originally Posted by denny57
I've thought a lot about the whole Jekyll and Hyde analogy that is made. I think in some respects it is a cop out (for me, too). Saying I was staying for the good just doesn't make sense, because the bad is so intolerable.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
My doctor also warned me to change my situation 'or else.' In my case, I had developed pancreatitis.
Pancreatitis, like alcoholics get. Even though I hardly drank at all.
When he warned me that the next attack would leave me diabetic, I started to listen. All the Jekylls in the world are not worth that to me.
You're among friends who understand. Glad you found us.
Pancreatitis, like alcoholics get. Even though I hardly drank at all.
When he warned me that the next attack would leave me diabetic, I started to listen. All the Jekylls in the world are not worth that to me.
You're among friends who understand. Glad you found us.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 56
Yes to all of the above.
After 5 years, I became a J & H too. And it was his excuse to leave.
The irony.
But you can get healthy again. Al-Anon. Loving yourself.
You can be healthy again. Happy again.
After 5 years, I became a J & H too. And it was his excuse to leave.
The irony.
But you can get healthy again. Al-Anon. Loving yourself.
You can be healthy again. Happy again.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Yes, not only did I lose who I was, I became just as crazy, acting in ways I never had before or have since.
It was killing me and it was my domestic abuse counselor who helped me see and name things to help me sort out what was going on.
I still have severe PTSD as a result of it.
The best book I can recommend is by Lundy Bancroft the foremost expert in work with these men...I think the title is or is similar to Why Is He Like That
No Visible Wounds by Alice Walker helped me a great deal too.
It was killing me and it was my domestic abuse counselor who helped me see and name things to help me sort out what was going on.
I still have severe PTSD as a result of it.
The best book I can recommend is by Lundy Bancroft the foremost expert in work with these men...I think the title is or is similar to Why Is He Like That
No Visible Wounds by Alice Walker helped me a great deal too.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: West Midlands, UK
Posts: 107
You are not alone, listen deeply to all the comments from the brilliant people here. I became sick, depressed and physically ill all the time.
It's been 8 weeks since he walked out and I feel sometimes I falter every day but last night my friend said to me- I feel like I have you back, you've been somehow 'missing' for 5 years. I know how you feel and didn't beleive anybody things would ever improve until I am now, each day throws some hurdles but I get over them.
Someone here told me that I was already so strong for coping with that for so long, I was strong enough to get better to and I really, really think that applies to you, you sound considered and articulate and that you truly recognise your feelings.
Sending you lots of love and thoughts.
It's been 8 weeks since he walked out and I feel sometimes I falter every day but last night my friend said to me- I feel like I have you back, you've been somehow 'missing' for 5 years. I know how you feel and didn't beleive anybody things would ever improve until I am now, each day throws some hurdles but I get over them.
Someone here told me that I was already so strong for coping with that for so long, I was strong enough to get better to and I really, really think that applies to you, you sound considered and articulate and that you truly recognise your feelings.
Sending you lots of love and thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Lived with a J and H ABF for years and was ready to head for a mental hospital I really thought I was insane and dangerous. I refused to sign a new lease and I moved into my place and he found his own flat. He was fine for 12 months, then turned up at my locked front door, drunk and with a carton of beer a few times, causing a stink til police came and took him away. All in all, 17 years of my life on his roller coaster. Now he has made his own decision to quit and get help to stay sober, and I have proved recently that I am no longer there to be used to enable him to live as he was. We enjoy each others company, spend part of each day at either of our homes and so far he has not been the "dry drunk" of past sober times. I leave his sobriety plans to him and work my own program, Alanon Online and SR and have placed it in God's hands to deal with. It has been a looong time since I felt as comfortable with myself as I am right now. May it continue like this and even get better for us both.
Sending love and prayers to you, dazednconfuzed.
Sending love and prayers to you, dazednconfuzed.
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Please go read my post to your other thread.
Please "hear" it.
It happens, it can happen to you.
You may not be as lucky as me and live.
You may be maimed, you may be 6 ft underground.
You have no way to foresee what he will do and you cannot stop him.
Please "hear" it.
It happens, it can happen to you.
You may not be as lucky as me and live.
You may be maimed, you may be 6 ft underground.
You have no way to foresee what he will do and you cannot stop him.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3
Hi Dazed, I'm new here too and even though I'm still struggling to find my own way in dealing with my own situation I think I can add some thoughtfull advice on this topic.
I've been married over 15 years and one day I woke up and thought 'who the heck am I and what have I turned into?' I think after a while we just get caught up into surviving the days, not really living them. I find I spend more time at work to try and avoid the stress that comes with being at home and dealing with her and every morning is greeted with the overwhelming dread of having to survive another day. For me personaly, I realized that after a while everything had taken a toll on me and had darkened me. I stopped being that carring guy I used to be. I started blowing up at the kids for stupid things then feeling horrible later because I didn't know why I blew up. i started to wonder if maybe I wasnt' the bi-polar one! I had a stress test at 34 because I was having panic attacks and found out that my heart wasn't performing like it should so they wanted to send me to a specialist, which I never went to because at that point the possibility of dropping dead from a heart attack and being free from this was the best news I've heard in a long time! My work has suffored because I don't have the will to do anything anymore and I've started to not care about anything. Everything felt pointless.
For the longest time I've felt like it was my fault that I was so unhappy in our marrage and that I just needed to get past the issues. That I really am the terrible person I felt that I was. Then one day I did a search on 'Functional Alcoholic' and found this site. After reading one of the postings I almost started to cry because it was the realization that someone else lives this life too. That was the point when I realized that it's NOT me. I'm not really wrong!! This is HER choice to take the drinking over me and our family and I don't have to feel guilty anymore about being angry at what she's done to our life and to our family. It was at that point that that tiny speck of hope opened up for me again.
I'm not sure if any of my aimless rambling has helped but I guess the point of all of this is that YES, it'll kill you eventually. You've got to get to the point where you let go of it. From my own situation and from numerous sitations I've read in this site, those of us unwilling partners pulled into this situation all find ourselves going mad by trying to carry the burden of this whole ordeal. At some point you just have to let go and hope for the best. That's what I'm going to do.
take care and good luck
I've been married over 15 years and one day I woke up and thought 'who the heck am I and what have I turned into?' I think after a while we just get caught up into surviving the days, not really living them. I find I spend more time at work to try and avoid the stress that comes with being at home and dealing with her and every morning is greeted with the overwhelming dread of having to survive another day. For me personaly, I realized that after a while everything had taken a toll on me and had darkened me. I stopped being that carring guy I used to be. I started blowing up at the kids for stupid things then feeling horrible later because I didn't know why I blew up. i started to wonder if maybe I wasnt' the bi-polar one! I had a stress test at 34 because I was having panic attacks and found out that my heart wasn't performing like it should so they wanted to send me to a specialist, which I never went to because at that point the possibility of dropping dead from a heart attack and being free from this was the best news I've heard in a long time! My work has suffored because I don't have the will to do anything anymore and I've started to not care about anything. Everything felt pointless.
For the longest time I've felt like it was my fault that I was so unhappy in our marrage and that I just needed to get past the issues. That I really am the terrible person I felt that I was. Then one day I did a search on 'Functional Alcoholic' and found this site. After reading one of the postings I almost started to cry because it was the realization that someone else lives this life too. That was the point when I realized that it's NOT me. I'm not really wrong!! This is HER choice to take the drinking over me and our family and I don't have to feel guilty anymore about being angry at what she's done to our life and to our family. It was at that point that that tiny speck of hope opened up for me again.
I'm not sure if any of my aimless rambling has helped but I guess the point of all of this is that YES, it'll kill you eventually. You've got to get to the point where you let go of it. From my own situation and from numerous sitations I've read in this site, those of us unwilling partners pulled into this situation all find ourselves going mad by trying to carry the burden of this whole ordeal. At some point you just have to let go and hope for the best. That's what I'm going to do.
take care and good luck
Reach Out and Touch Faith
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On a Sailboat
Posts: 3,871
Originally Posted by liveweyerd
Please go read my post to your other thread.
Please "hear" it.
It happens, it can happen to you.
You may not be as lucky as me and live.
You may be maimed, you may be 6 ft underground.
You have no way to foresee what he will do and you cannot stop him.
Please "hear" it.
It happens, it can happen to you.
You may not be as lucky as me and live.
You may be maimed, you may be 6 ft underground.
You have no way to foresee what he will do and you cannot stop him.
As liveweyerd said, "It happens, it can happen to you."
Getting to my HAPPY PLACE!
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Virginia
Posts: 298
Have you, or anyone you know gotten to be as sick as this from living with an alcoholic?
I am right at 6 months out from my x and yes I still have my bad days but I'll take these "bad days" opposed to the soul/gut wrenching days of living with an alcholic any day.
I can finally breathe and I'm learning to relax and enjoy myself more and more each day.
Hugs to all of you.
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