Told AH what I thought about our situation...
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Northern KY
Posts: 168
Told AH what I thought about our situation...
I called him, yeah I know kinda chicken but I get so nervous when I talk to him in person......
I told him his drinking was out of hand again,(last wk he got drunk at a family restaurant w/ the kids and then I came home from work later that week to find him "with a pretty good buzz going" while he was supposed to be watching the kids, one of which is disabled) that he was embarassing me, the kids in public and family-type situations. That it made me feel horrible to have to tell our daughter what was wrong with daddy. That it makes me feel uncomfortable when he drinks...
It took me a little whilel, but I got out a lot of things about how his drinking made me and our daugther feel.
His only response was that he wanted to know what I wanted him to do......
He said he was proud of me for not having vice's like smoking or drinking, but that's not him.
When I got home from work all the beer in the fridge was gone and he was alseep (I work 2nd shift part-time). Today he hasn't talked to me AT ALL. Any conversation was immediately squashed, he never said one "love you" on the phone when I said I made supper(which he refused to eat) or any other time. For him this is unusual because he is the one that says it first on the phone every time. He asked me if I was going to put up a Christmas tree.
Just makes me feel like crap, I kind of figured he'd be this way...but it still feels bad and gets me upset.
I told him his drinking was out of hand again,(last wk he got drunk at a family restaurant w/ the kids and then I came home from work later that week to find him "with a pretty good buzz going" while he was supposed to be watching the kids, one of which is disabled) that he was embarassing me, the kids in public and family-type situations. That it made me feel horrible to have to tell our daughter what was wrong with daddy. That it makes me feel uncomfortable when he drinks...
It took me a little whilel, but I got out a lot of things about how his drinking made me and our daugther feel.
His only response was that he wanted to know what I wanted him to do......
He said he was proud of me for not having vice's like smoking or drinking, but that's not him.
When I got home from work all the beer in the fridge was gone and he was alseep (I work 2nd shift part-time). Today he hasn't talked to me AT ALL. Any conversation was immediately squashed, he never said one "love you" on the phone when I said I made supper(which he refused to eat) or any other time. For him this is unusual because he is the one that says it first on the phone every time. He asked me if I was going to put up a Christmas tree.
Just makes me feel like crap, I kind of figured he'd be this way...but it still feels bad and gets me upset.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
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(((inahaze)))
But you did the right thing - letting him know the truth.
"Say what you mean but don't say it mean" - sounds like what you did and it is so very sad -- I find the sadness weighs very heavy when something gets out in the open that has been festering...but often the relief you feel at being in REALITY after the sadness lifts will be greater...
Alcoholism just sux, it's horrible, and that is the truth. But when I saw that MY LIFE didn't have to suck because of someone else's alcoholism things got a whole lot better.
Peace-
B.
But you did the right thing - letting him know the truth.
"Say what you mean but don't say it mean" - sounds like what you did and it is so very sad -- I find the sadness weighs very heavy when something gets out in the open that has been festering...but often the relief you feel at being in REALITY after the sadness lifts will be greater...
Alcoholism just sux, it's horrible, and that is the truth. But when I saw that MY LIFE didn't have to suck because of someone else's alcoholism things got a whole lot better.
Peace-
B.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Northern KY
Posts: 168
It just feels like he loves the beer more than the kids or me.
Reality is that he does prefer it, he's shown it everytime he quit drinking and started again.
He says that even if he stops it doesn't matter as nothing changes. I've tried to tell him that changes take time, that if he can spend 10yrs drinking that things aren't going to be all better in a couple of months. Trust takes time to rebuild and I need trust in order to believe him.
Reality is that he does prefer it, he's shown it everytime he quit drinking and started again.
He says that even if he stops it doesn't matter as nothing changes. I've tried to tell him that changes take time, that if he can spend 10yrs drinking that things aren't going to be all better in a couple of months. Trust takes time to rebuild and I need trust in order to believe him.
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
Been there, done that. I would stew and fret and finally get up the nerve to have a conversation and it would always end up with him angry and me feeling like I'd just beat my head against a wall. I tried writing it all out and gave it to him and he gave me the silent treatment for a week, then brought it up and made fun of it.......to me he was stomping and spitting on my most sacred feelings and emotions.
I had to stop, because try as I might, he wasn't going to "get it". You just can't talk sanity with the alcoholic brain. When (and if) he's ever ready to seek help for himself I'm sure he'll let me know. We've got 14 more years of parenting together until the last one is legally an adult (not necessarily in the same home). I can't wait that long for him change. Now I see I deserve to surround myself with people who will reciprocate the love and respect I give.
I had to stop, because try as I might, he wasn't going to "get it". You just can't talk sanity with the alcoholic brain. When (and if) he's ever ready to seek help for himself I'm sure he'll let me know. We've got 14 more years of parenting together until the last one is legally an adult (not necessarily in the same home). I can't wait that long for him change. Now I see I deserve to surround myself with people who will reciprocate the love and respect I give.
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
I am sorry for the pain that you are going through right now hun. My children and I had a sort of intervention with my XAH one day as soon as he walked in the door from work....and we told him that we loved him very very much and we wanted him to go to rehab and that if it took all of us to do it with him we would be happy to. He just looked at us and went to the frig, took out a beer, shook it up, popped the top and sprayed us with beer and said to us: "Do you think a sober father and husband will love you any more than this drunk one?" I said: "We will take our chances...." He ignored me and pushed his way through us....end of the conversation.
Do they love the alcohol more than us? YES - they do. Why? Because thats what addicts do.....
Stand strong sweetie.
Janitw
Do they love the alcohol more than us? YES - they do. Why? Because thats what addicts do.....
Stand strong sweetie.
Janitw
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
I got to the point where I, too, was too nervous to talk to MY HUSBAND about something important to me. Alcohol or not, that is just a sad state of affairs.
Since he doesn't want to change, what are your plans?
((( )))
Since he doesn't want to change, what are your plans?
((( )))
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Yeah, the old silent treatment. Lots of us have been there. I can't say whether I prefer the out-and-out whining and anger, or the pouty I'm-not-going-to-eat-what-you-cooked-me childishness better. So you make the meals, go to work, care for the kids......and he does.....what?
So.....it's not that you don't choose to put your children in danger like he does. It's that you "don't have vices". I see. He really doesn't get it, does he? That's a shame.
I defer to bernadette and blessed4x, who have said things a lot more nicely than my fingers are itching to say right now. ((bernadette)) ((blessed4x))
You are doing the right thing, inahaze. You're being a good mother and you're standing up for yourself. He knows how to get under your skin. Please try not to let him push your buttons and please don't let him put your kids -- or you -- in danger.
Hugs,
GL
Originally Posted by inahaze 
He said he was proud of me for not having vice's like smoking or drinking, but that's not him.
I defer to bernadette and blessed4x, who have said things a lot more nicely than my fingers are itching to say right now. ((bernadette)) ((blessed4x))
You are doing the right thing, inahaze. You're being a good mother and you're standing up for yourself. He knows how to get under your skin. Please try not to let him push your buttons and please don't let him put your kids -- or you -- in danger.
Hugs,
GL
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Northern KY
Posts: 168
He works, pays the bills for the most part. I guess part of what gets me, and I'm sure everyone else has been there as well, is that folks at work think he's great! He's a good boss, he's been successful where he's at, he gets invited to co-workers homes for parties(doesn't go) and he'll never touch a beer before he goes to work or while there.
Usually has one by the time he gets home or right afterwards though....
He did tell me that we must have different definitions of what drinking to much is. He thinks 6-9 beer at a time is no biggie, I think it's a lot. I view social drinking as something as an excuse for friends to get together and have fun, maybe 1-3. They're not drinking for the buzz where as he is.
Usually has one by the time he gets home or right afterwards though....
He did tell me that we must have different definitions of what drinking to much is. He thinks 6-9 beer at a time is no biggie, I think it's a lot. I view social drinking as something as an excuse for friends to get together and have fun, maybe 1-3. They're not drinking for the buzz where as he is.
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: wisconsin
Posts: 167
It used to take me months to get the courage up to confront him. And then he wouldn't say to much, just thats how I am or I can't change me. Then I'd sit back and think, that was a useless waste of my time, worrying about hurting him with my confrontation conversation. I was away one evening and came home earlly in the morning only to find the garage littered with open beer bottle, cans, coolers etc. Obviously he had a little party, than continued on to find our beautiful french doors shredded at the doorhandle. He had been locked out so he took a crow bar to it. You could see in from the outside and then jam was completely wrecked. I walked in to find him on the couch and he looked up and said. ...what? Had the same conversations as before, me talking, him silent. That was one of the last straws.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by inahaze
He works, pays the bills for the most part. I guess part of what gets me, and I'm sure everyone else has been there as well, is that folks at work think he's great! He's a good boss, he's been successful where he's at, he gets invited to co-workers homes for parties(doesn't go) and he'll never touch a beer before he goes to work or while there.
Usually has one by the time he gets home or right afterwards though....
He did tell me that we must have different definitions of what drinking to much is. He thinks 6-9 beer at a time is no biggie, I think it's a lot. I view social drinking as something as an excuse for friends to get together and have fun, maybe 1-3. They're not drinking for the buzz where as he is.
Usually has one by the time he gets home or right afterwards though....
He did tell me that we must have different definitions of what drinking to much is. He thinks 6-9 beer at a time is no biggie, I think it's a lot. I view social drinking as something as an excuse for friends to get together and have fun, maybe 1-3. They're not drinking for the buzz where as he is.
Sounds very much like my xAH before things started to go rapidly downhill. He got fired from his job of 20+ years. I never did get the real reason out of xAH but I suspect that at one of the company parties he got drunk and said something he shouldn't have to one of the senior partners who then systematically found a reason to fire him. After xAH was fired, he half hearted job hunted (over the internet only) and degenerated to sleeping all day and drinking all night. For half of our marriage this was my life. I finally woke up after 2 yrs to the fact that xAH was happy as a clam to spend his days drinking mass quantities of alcohol (a typical week involved a case of beer a gallon of whisky and a couple of gallons of wine) and having me support him. Nothing I said or did, nothing his daughters said or did, had the slightest effect on him.
We've been divorced 6 months now. He is still unemployed. He is now living off his 87 yo mother. He is still drinking daily as far as I know.
I on the other hand have worked hard on my own recovery and am doing well.
I still care about the man and hope someday he finds recovery but I doubt it. From what I hear, he is toltally ignoring some apparently serious health problems, saying he can't see a doctor because he has no insurance. I think in a way he is comitting slow suicide by denial, denial of his alcoholism and his health problems. It saddens me that he chooses to do this, I fear for the reaction of his daughters to his possible death but it is his choice to do this.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 149
He probably understood what you said and it bothers him and hurts him and makes him feel guilty, because he knows its true. He probably asked what you wanted him to do because maybe he thinks he cant do anything (such as recovery).
He probably feels bad about himself and feeling inadequate as a husband - which from my undertanding guys really dont like to feel (or anyone really).
He probably feels bad about himself and feeling inadequate as a husband - which from my undertanding guys really dont like to feel (or anyone really).
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
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Originally Posted by genrs123
He probably understood what you said and it bothers him and hurts him and makes him feel guilty, because he knows its true. He probably asked what you wanted him to do because maybe he thinks he cant do anything (such as recovery).
He probably feels bad about himself and feeling inadequate as a husband - which from my undertanding guys really dont like to feel (or anyone really).
He probably feels bad about himself and feeling inadequate as a husband - which from my undertanding guys really dont like to feel (or anyone really).
yep he got it all right...but he didn't want to hear it
as far as paying the bills and being a nice guy.....well most of them do and most of them are.
I mean if my AH wasn't a nice guy I wouldn't of married him.....but the drinking takes over....How many hours a day do you spend with him sober?
So he can keep it together at work for now.....maybe he will for a few years...but it will get progressively worse.
You never know what will happen....many of us wish they would just hit their bottom fast! The reality is many times it is a slow decline
A quick easy read is the book "Marriage on the Rocks" It is really helpful
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Originally Posted by inahaze
He works, pays the bills for the most part.* I guess part of what gets me, and I'm sure everyone else has been there as well, is that folks at work think he's great!
He thinks 6-9 beer at a time is no biggie, I think it's a lot.....
Would you drink 6-9 glasses of anything at one time? ...I'd like 9 glasses of ice tea please!!*
I think your husband is quacking.
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Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
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(((inahaze)))
I found myself worrying and weighing my words with my STBXAH with everything- no way to live. It got to the point where I wondered if we could talk about anything without resentment or anger. I am finally learning to stand up for myself. It is not easy- and it doesn't always feel intuitive, because I am a born people-pleaser. However- I am living by this mantra: "Do the next right thing." I am a good person, and what I do is never meant to hurt anyone, but if what I do bothers someone else- it is their feeling to own. Over these past months I have stood up for myself and dd- and it was not received well by STBXAH or his family. I can finally say with confidence- "Too bad!" I will no longer live with lies, or with the insanity STBXAH brings into my and dd's life. It is no longer ok, and it is my job to protect myself and her. Your children need a safe adult in their lives. It's got to be you. Standing up for yourself and them may not feel easy or intuitive, but the more you do it, I think the easier it will become. In my case, I am deriving strength from standing strong- and I never knew I had it in me! I think what you did is great, and I hope you can get past your AH's response and see it for what it is. You are finally standing up- he doesn't like it- and he isn't willing to change. So, what can you do for yourself and your children now? I hope you will continue to build on your strength.
I found myself worrying and weighing my words with my STBXAH with everything- no way to live. It got to the point where I wondered if we could talk about anything without resentment or anger. I am finally learning to stand up for myself. It is not easy- and it doesn't always feel intuitive, because I am a born people-pleaser. However- I am living by this mantra: "Do the next right thing." I am a good person, and what I do is never meant to hurt anyone, but if what I do bothers someone else- it is their feeling to own. Over these past months I have stood up for myself and dd- and it was not received well by STBXAH or his family. I can finally say with confidence- "Too bad!" I will no longer live with lies, or with the insanity STBXAH brings into my and dd's life. It is no longer ok, and it is my job to protect myself and her. Your children need a safe adult in their lives. It's got to be you. Standing up for yourself and them may not feel easy or intuitive, but the more you do it, I think the easier it will become. In my case, I am deriving strength from standing strong- and I never knew I had it in me! I think what you did is great, and I hope you can get past your AH's response and see it for what it is. You are finally standing up- he doesn't like it- and he isn't willing to change. So, what can you do for yourself and your children now? I hope you will continue to build on your strength.
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