soarinhigh

I am going to apologize in advance for being debbie-downer.

First off I am tired of thinking about alcohol/sobriety all day. I think I am more obsessed with it now then when I was drinking.

I constantly have this void I feel. It's so hard to explain. An emptyness almost, and I dont know how to fill it. Its like a need that can't be met because I dont know what it is. I hope someone understands what I am trying to say.

I am tired of my lack of energy. I am over a month into it, I should be more energized. I still have days where I have problems getting off the couch. Theres no reason for it. I have a million things I could do but dont do them. I always end the day by telling myself tomorrow will be different but it usually isn't.

I am tired of waking up in the morning wondering what kind of mood am I going to be in today and how many times I will ride the emotion rollercoaster throughout the day. Speaking of moods why do I feel I have to be happy all the time. Not just happy but estatic. I think I am waiting for this magical world to happen. A world full of smiles, butterflys, and rainbows everyday. I need to come to terms this DOES NOT exist. What I am looking for is a fantasy life. Welcome to the real world.

I am tired of wondering if I am "normal" yet, and wondering what "normal" feels like. I have no idea what sober/normal feels like since this is the longest I have been clean in 13 yrs.

I am tired of being at the recieving end of my own pity party. This is especially getting old to me. Aww, poor me and my poor life. I need to get over it. I take a look around and know I have it GOOD. Who am I to whine? How dare I.. Why aren't I happy with what I have. I achieve a goal I have struggled for or something good happens and instead of enjoying it for a little while I am usually thinking of how it could be better. I carry this "nothing is ever good enough" attitude. Why must I focus on the negative? I wish I could be in someone elses shoes for awhile. Maybe I'd change my way of thinking.

I am a smart girl and often know what I need to do to make things better and yet I choose not to do them. I have all the tools to succeed and do not use them. I think I make excuses for myself and my behavior and it gets me by.

I dont know how to end this besides saying I feel so OVERWHELMED with a million emotions.

Toomutch

You are actually feeling now sweety. When you were still drinking you had no emotions because ther were no feelings. Riding the emotional roller coaster is hard - but in the end it will be so worth it. :ghug3

Majamama

Very insightful Toomutch.
It will get easier for you soarinhigh. It will!

endzoner

''I am tired of waking up in the morning wondering what kind of mood am I going to be in today'' ............. small suggestion on this , stop wondering ! and wake up when you wake up and ''say Im alive'' thatss something possitive , starting the morning off in a possitive note does help set the day on a good path . As for feeling Normal ? i see theres no true definition of such a word , its only what one perceives it to be , and not always the same in anothers eye's . It can be what ever you want it to be ,So that my dear is what ever you want it to be ? which is ??
Things are still in the early process , Im sure you tired of hearing it does get better . well rest assured im gonna tell you it does , and so wil many others , Its a matter of haveing a small salt gain size of patience . I thought too myself that i was gonna see results in a small amount of time , But i didnt get that way over nite , it sure wasnt gonna get better in a blink of time , I worked hard at it and did even what I didnt wanna do , just cuz so many couldnt all be wrong , I had to see for my self And Dang they were so right ! you dont gotta make fake face , life is what it is we all cant be happy happy joy joy every day . dont pretent to be something your not if your sad be it , if your mad be it . hiding what your going thu isnt gonna help . For me it was important to let those who cared bout my recovery including my employer what I was going thu ( soberity ) and I was gonna have off days , Id do my job but dont expect me to be all smiley all the time , there will be days , and it was accepted by then and they just let me know if there was something they could do for me they were there , butlet me do my job and didnt bother me with idol chat or nonsence as i would of seen it that bad day . Soaring its just a passing thing its gonna be a smoother road , its just a bump your going thu right now . it will pass . we love ya Im praying for a lil serenity and happiness in your day . Im here if you ever need a pair of eyes to vent to . just pm' me . big huggles endzy

sicilia1414

Soarin...a month isn't that long! Your body and mind took years to get all messed up from the alcohol, and it is going to take TIME for it to return to normal.

Just continue to let time pass, each day your body is healing more and more. Eventually everthing will settle down. Soon you will only think about alcohol/sobriety for a few moments a day, and then it will be every other day, and then every other week...and then one day you will wake up and realize WOW! my life is good and i am happy and this feels NORMAL! and you won't even think twice about it.

I promise....

Anna

Hi,

I do understand how you feel and the emptiness that you are talking about. It was that empty feeling that kept me drinking when I was trying to stop. For me, I had to look inward and find the spiritual connection that I had been missing in my life. I had gotten way off track by numbing myself to my feelings, and I had to reconnect with my soul.

I hope you feel better and know that it will get easier.

Mariposa18

Soarinhigh~ I can very much relate to what you posted. Like the other posters said, it gets easier, but dammit why can't it happen NOW? Well, because we didn't become addicts overnight and we can't heal overnight, does that make sense?

When we drank we felt nothing, now we are feeling so much we don't know what to do. It's hard to identify those feelings and manage them. I keep hearing it gets better and like you I"m waiting for that moment. I think, actually I know, there is a light at the end of the tunnel...I just wish the tunnel wasn't so damn long!

Stay Strong~ Keep Posting! We are all here for you and will help you through this~ God Bless

TryingSoHard

THANK YOU!!! Man, you hit the nail on the freaking head. I am *SO* in that boat with you! I'm 64 days in and I'm still draggin'. I'm in a big ol' mental FUNK that I just can not shake. (It doesn't help that I've been sick for 11 days now, either, but aside from that...)

I'm working on it, I swear I am... but I can't get out of this rut.

Your first comment, about being more obsessed with not drinking than with drinking? I was telling that to someone just the other day. It's exhausting, all this CONSTANT FOCUS on NOT drinking. I'm tired of it. I can't get past it.

I don't really have any helpful advise or suggestions, but I wanted to let you know that you ARE NOT ALONE.

soarinhigh

I think alot of it is my entire life is spent taking care of others ie kids, family, husband, even my job is taking care of others with a smile on my face. I am not nor have ever been good at opening up and feeling. I definately am not good at showing any emotion (besides anger). I have never cried during a movie and I can't even cry at funerals even though I am drowning in sadness. People probably think I am a cold hearted beotch. I've always had to be the strong one even throughout my childhood and now having kids you know how important it is I stay strong.
I actually felt like an a-hole for starting this thread. Thank you for all the advice

Lenina

soarinhigh,

I don't understand why you feel like an a-hole for posting your honest feelings. Honesty is a good thing. Being able to recognize the feelings and deal with them helped me recover. Pushing down, discounting or ignoring emotion just wasn't healthy for me. And I had to learn how to express those feelings appropriately.

For me, recovery has been learning how to live without alcohol, recovery hasn't been just not drinking.

Does that make sense? I'm afraid I don't express myself very well in writing.

I hope you are feeling better. Being sober is so much better!

Love,

Lenina

100ggs

11 days not drinking then the liitle man inside my heads tells me I am bored, so I drink, wake up feel sh!t , start again. I suppose its trying to live that exciting life when you are drinking, not drinking does not seem to be that exciting? Where from here?

soarinhigh

The past couple days have been better. It's funny how you feel a certain way one day and wake up the next feeling completely different. Thank God there are ppl out there who understand what I am talking about. I have a hard time opening up because I feel I know the answers to my problems, I just choose to not solve them. I also know that sometimes I am having "one of those days" which everyone has so why whine about it because it'll probably pass.
Thank you for letting me open up here. You are really the only people I talk to about this sorta stuff. Love ya all

endzoner

Its so easy to listen to ppls problems and try and give advice , With this said .. why cant we just take our own ? aint that easy .... So sometimes i think of myself as another person and tell her what she should do to renver it , and thats when i get that " ah ha" moment of clairty . its funny how it works glad your feeling better Soaring