New to site - Told BF he needs help - now what?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 1
New to site - Told BF he needs help - now what?
Hello everyone.
I have been reading through different forums here for over a week or so and see how helpful you've already all been to me.
I am dating a guy I believe to be an addict. Shoulder surgery 1 1/2 years ago - was given pain pills - they weren't enough. Doc perscribed more and now he's at 120 pills of oxicodone and going through them in 2 weeks.
He told me about this after a few months of dating because I noticed how quiet he would become. No emotions, staring, talking slow, blank of anything. He wanted me to help him and said he's talked to his dr. about cutting back, etc. Even went as far as getting the perscription, giving me 1/2 and telling me to hold it and only give it to him if his shoulder really hurt. We agreed that he'd tell me when he was taking them, and if he hurt. I said I understood he was in pain and needed to have "help" relieveing the pain.
He goes for weeks and weeks with nothing - then gets a new perscription and it starts all over again. The DR. hasn't cancelled his perscriptioin yet or won't for whatever reason. He tried to back him off of them, but my BF doubles or triples up on them.
Fast forward to this weekend, he came to meet my family for the 1st time (we live states away). I noticed the tell tale signs. Quiet, MOODY as all heck, defensive GUT feeling - Yup....he's on the pills again. I knew it.
I asked him if he was on "anything?"...advil? Sleep meds not wore off yet?" He said to my face NO.
I found them Sunday morning in his bag looking for the toothpaste. I asked him about them and he naturally made up some excuse as I'm accustomed now to hearing. No sense in arguing with him, right? He's high and can't differeciate anything going on anyhow except himself and HIS feelings. He is very selfish and needy when he's on these things.
Knowing now (thanks to you all) that I have to take care of myself, I distanced myself from him since Sunday. No calls, no email nothing. He's called and written even my sister wondering where I am and how I am. He wrote me and said he loves me and misses me but understands if I don't want to see him anymore because he can be "difficult" to deal with.
I just wrote back that I cannot be with him anymore because of the pills. I love him, but I choose not to be with him. I said I cannot fix you but there are people who can. I said I want my old "enter bf's name here" back.
He wrote back and said he wants to talk and I will get the "Real" person back.
I need your advice here please. I know I have to let him do this on his own. I am going to take care of myself here - and going to give him the boundries that he cannot cross. He needs, and knows he needs help.
How should I handle this tonight when we talk? I am assuming he's on the pills today too so I am not holding out much hope here. Wait till he's had his two weeks of no pills to discuss or just move on with my life and let him go?
I appreciate any support you can give. Thank you very much.
I have been reading through different forums here for over a week or so and see how helpful you've already all been to me.
I am dating a guy I believe to be an addict. Shoulder surgery 1 1/2 years ago - was given pain pills - they weren't enough. Doc perscribed more and now he's at 120 pills of oxicodone and going through them in 2 weeks.
He told me about this after a few months of dating because I noticed how quiet he would become. No emotions, staring, talking slow, blank of anything. He wanted me to help him and said he's talked to his dr. about cutting back, etc. Even went as far as getting the perscription, giving me 1/2 and telling me to hold it and only give it to him if his shoulder really hurt. We agreed that he'd tell me when he was taking them, and if he hurt. I said I understood he was in pain and needed to have "help" relieveing the pain.
He goes for weeks and weeks with nothing - then gets a new perscription and it starts all over again. The DR. hasn't cancelled his perscriptioin yet or won't for whatever reason. He tried to back him off of them, but my BF doubles or triples up on them.
Fast forward to this weekend, he came to meet my family for the 1st time (we live states away). I noticed the tell tale signs. Quiet, MOODY as all heck, defensive GUT feeling - Yup....he's on the pills again. I knew it.
I asked him if he was on "anything?"...advil? Sleep meds not wore off yet?" He said to my face NO.
I found them Sunday morning in his bag looking for the toothpaste. I asked him about them and he naturally made up some excuse as I'm accustomed now to hearing. No sense in arguing with him, right? He's high and can't differeciate anything going on anyhow except himself and HIS feelings. He is very selfish and needy when he's on these things.
Knowing now (thanks to you all) that I have to take care of myself, I distanced myself from him since Sunday. No calls, no email nothing. He's called and written even my sister wondering where I am and how I am. He wrote me and said he loves me and misses me but understands if I don't want to see him anymore because he can be "difficult" to deal with.
I just wrote back that I cannot be with him anymore because of the pills. I love him, but I choose not to be with him. I said I cannot fix you but there are people who can. I said I want my old "enter bf's name here" back.
He wrote back and said he wants to talk and I will get the "Real" person back.
I need your advice here please. I know I have to let him do this on his own. I am going to take care of myself here - and going to give him the boundries that he cannot cross. He needs, and knows he needs help.
How should I handle this tonight when we talk? I am assuming he's on the pills today too so I am not holding out much hope here. Wait till he's had his two weeks of no pills to discuss or just move on with my life and let him go?
I appreciate any support you can give. Thank you very much.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Welcome to SR.
It sounds like you are stating how you feel about things, the rest is up to him. I started out with counseling before I learned about Naranon and Al-Anon and of course coming here has helped me a great deal.
The thing I needed to remember most at first was the 3 C's of addiction/alcoholism:
I didn't Cause it.
I can't Cure it.
I can't Control it.
This amounts to the fact that it is solely up to the individual what they choose to do. I can't change or 'help' someone find recovery.
Learning about this disease and working a program of recovery helps me decide what I am comfortable with doing or not doing.
It sounds like you are stating how you feel about things, the rest is up to him. I started out with counseling before I learned about Naranon and Al-Anon and of course coming here has helped me a great deal.
The thing I needed to remember most at first was the 3 C's of addiction/alcoholism:
I didn't Cause it.
I can't Cure it.
I can't Control it.
This amounts to the fact that it is solely up to the individual what they choose to do. I can't change or 'help' someone find recovery.
Learning about this disease and working a program of recovery helps me decide what I am comfortable with doing or not doing.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Welcome to SR!
Sounds like you already realize that talking to him when he's high is pointless, and that you realize taking care of YOU is the priority.
I am a recovering addict, as well as a recovering codie (codependent) and can tell you that an addict will tell you whatever we think you want to hear, in order to keep stringing you along. I would only go by an addict's ACTIONS, not their words.
If it were me, I would tell him he needs to take care of himself, then step away from the relationship and see what he does, but that's ME, and I've been in relationships with two addicts and an alcoholic, so I'm a little jaded. You just need to do what is best for you.
Recovery is a long road, and it involves way more than just stopping the drugs. There's a lot of work and soul-searching involved, and he has to want it more than anything. It's also something no one can do for him. Things like him asking you to hold his pills usually builds resentments on both sides. You feel like you're dealing with a child, and he gets mad if he can't get what he wants when he wants it.
I'm glad you're here. There are lots of great people here, with a ton of ES&H (experience, strength and hope)
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Sounds like you already realize that talking to him when he's high is pointless, and that you realize taking care of YOU is the priority.
I am a recovering addict, as well as a recovering codie (codependent) and can tell you that an addict will tell you whatever we think you want to hear, in order to keep stringing you along. I would only go by an addict's ACTIONS, not their words.
If it were me, I would tell him he needs to take care of himself, then step away from the relationship and see what he does, but that's ME, and I've been in relationships with two addicts and an alcoholic, so I'm a little jaded. You just need to do what is best for you.
Recovery is a long road, and it involves way more than just stopping the drugs. There's a lot of work and soul-searching involved, and he has to want it more than anything. It's also something no one can do for him. Things like him asking you to hold his pills usually builds resentments on both sides. You feel like you're dealing with a child, and he gets mad if he can't get what he wants when he wants it.
I'm glad you're here. There are lots of great people here, with a ton of ES&H (experience, strength and hope)
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
The only thing I can add to this is that someone addicted to pain meds is not available for a healthy committed relationship.
I don't know how long it takes for an addict to be "available" for a healthy relationship, but I'm sure that it would be important for them to be firmly in an active recovery program for some time.
In your shoes, I might get some advice from an addiction counselor and set my limits with some information. Or - maybe you could find this information on line. I'm guessing a counselor would give you an idea of the behaviors that would indicate active recovery and some warning signs. A counselor might also be able to let you know how long a person should be in recovery before they would really be able to come to a committed relationship as a full participant and not seek out a codependent relationship.
That way, knowing what is involved, you could decide for yourself how much you are willing to invest, and how long you might be willing to wait (if at all).
Best of luck...
I don't know how long it takes for an addict to be "available" for a healthy relationship, but I'm sure that it would be important for them to be firmly in an active recovery program for some time.
In your shoes, I might get some advice from an addiction counselor and set my limits with some information. Or - maybe you could find this information on line. I'm guessing a counselor would give you an idea of the behaviors that would indicate active recovery and some warning signs. A counselor might also be able to let you know how long a person should be in recovery before they would really be able to come to a committed relationship as a full participant and not seek out a codependent relationship.
That way, knowing what is involved, you could decide for yourself how much you are willing to invest, and how long you might be willing to wait (if at all).
Best of luck...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: CA
Posts: 101
Originally Posted by Winter08 
I just wrote back that I cannot be with him anymore because of the pills. I love him, but I choose not to be with him. I said I cannot fix you but there are people who can.
I'm so sorry you have to be going through this! I like what you said above, and hope you can stick to it. Keep it as simple as that. I know it's easier said than done, but I feel that you'll be on a roller coaster for a while if you don't stick to your boundaries. This is his problem, don't let him drag you into it or make you a part of it.
Hugs and best of luck to you!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Edmonton AB
Posts: 285
WOw, you my dear just put the biggest grin on my face!
(sorry for your situation... )
You saw a red flag and you said: "STOOOOOOP!" Good for you. I am gleeming from ear to ear right now
Listen to that voice telling you: "hmmmmm... something doesn't feel right."
Go with that.
Don't make ANY dicisions right now. Take a few weeks to think things through, and until you feel comfortable with what you have chosen, only then act on it.
He will phone you over and over and make it out like the world is coming to an end for him unless you take him back. Mark-my-words.
Listen to *you*
p.s... I'm so happy you have found us. I am glad you posted this.
Karen.
(sorry for your situation... )
You saw a red flag and you said: "STOOOOOOP!" Good for you. I am gleeming from ear to ear right now
Listen to that voice telling you: "hmmmmm... something doesn't feel right."
Go with that.
Don't make ANY dicisions right now. Take a few weeks to think things through, and until you feel comfortable with what you have chosen, only then act on it.
He will phone you over and over and make it out like the world is coming to an end for him unless you take him back. Mark-my-words.
Listen to *you*
p.s... I'm so happy you have found us. I am glad you posted this.
Karen.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Hi and welcome,
Unfortuantly there isn't an answer for you that will make you feel better - It is a long sad journey dealing with a person with this type of problem..... if you are strong and able, walk, or in my opinion run.
My boyfriend, who was never prescribed these pills is hooked on them. He can't get off of them, I have physcially watched him try- it is aweful. He sweats, shakes, nausea, terrible mood swings, his body hurts etc.
He dosen't act "normal" anymore unless he is on the upswing of a high from them. It is sad and it will suck you dry attempting to stay in this relationship. Unless he is willing to get help.... you are on a very long dark road my friend.
Keep your head up, continue reading and posting- it has helped me tremendously.
Take care,
Cessy
Unfortuantly there isn't an answer for you that will make you feel better - It is a long sad journey dealing with a person with this type of problem..... if you are strong and able, walk, or in my opinion run.
My boyfriend, who was never prescribed these pills is hooked on them. He can't get off of them, I have physcially watched him try- it is aweful. He sweats, shakes, nausea, terrible mood swings, his body hurts etc.
He dosen't act "normal" anymore unless he is on the upswing of a high from them. It is sad and it will suck you dry attempting to stay in this relationship. Unless he is willing to get help.... you are on a very long dark road my friend.
Keep your head up, continue reading and posting- it has helped me tremendously.
Take care,
Cessy
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
