Questions about being a child of an alcoholic
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 174
Questions about being a child of an alcoholic
I'm hoping some of you can give me some insite as to what its like being a child of an alcoholic. I'm currently going through a divorce and have a son who is 6 and a daughter who is 2. My STBXAH sees the kids on a regular basis when I have school or when the kids stay at his parents. I have asked a few people about being a child of divorce. Some have told me that they felt anger at a parent for trying to keep them away from the alcoholic parent and some have said that they wish someone had intervened. I understand that none of you know my whole story, but how do I figure out the best way to support the kids? AH has a history of drinking while having the kids in his care, but I have no other proof other than what I have experienced of him or what my son tells me. Apparently a 6 year old is not big enough to testify where I live since he cant accrately tell how much AH drank. SO far my son hasnt really acted out but he has become quite clingy to me. If it were up to me I wouldnt even send the kids unless I knew for sure he was sober. I know I cant control AH's drinking, or what he does when they arent with me. I just want to know the best way to support the kids. I would appreciate any opinions or thoughts you could give me.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 8
I'm new to this community, this is my first post. I am the adult daughter of an alcoholic. My parents divorced when I was 5 or 6, so I identify with your son, and sympathize with you.
My memories are sketchy. I do remember that I tried everything I could think of to try to get my parents back together. I truly did not understand everything that was going on. I did know that it was tearing my mother apart.
With adult perspective I am so thankful that my Mom did not allow the alcoholic to stay in our home. Now that I am the mother of two small children, I can only imagine the terror of having to send me to spend time with him. I wish she were still alive so I could tell her I understand.
All I can tell you is to love your children and let them know it at every opportunity. Just because you don't love their father, does not mean you feel less for them by association (or because they don't "hate" him too).
You are their rock. You are the one who is there for them when he is flaky, and you're also the "mean mom" when he's not. You're the one praying every minute they are with him.
Try to fill their lives with healthy relationships, to off-set the turbulent one with their dad.
Make sure they know that none of this is their fault. The divorce is not their fault, his strange behavior is not their fault, nor is your sadness and anger.
Let them know they can (and need to for their own psychological well-being, not just yours) talk to you about what is going on, and how they feel about it. Make sure they feel free to ask questions, but be careful not to put them on the defensive by asking too many of your own.
Who am I to be giving so much advice?? You must have hit a soft spot in my heart. I'm now taking care of my aging alcoholic father, turning to this community for advice as well. I wish you the best - - be strong!
My memories are sketchy. I do remember that I tried everything I could think of to try to get my parents back together. I truly did not understand everything that was going on. I did know that it was tearing my mother apart.
With adult perspective I am so thankful that my Mom did not allow the alcoholic to stay in our home. Now that I am the mother of two small children, I can only imagine the terror of having to send me to spend time with him. I wish she were still alive so I could tell her I understand.
All I can tell you is to love your children and let them know it at every opportunity. Just because you don't love their father, does not mean you feel less for them by association (or because they don't "hate" him too).
You are their rock. You are the one who is there for them when he is flaky, and you're also the "mean mom" when he's not. You're the one praying every minute they are with him.
Try to fill their lives with healthy relationships, to off-set the turbulent one with their dad.
Make sure they know that none of this is their fault. The divorce is not their fault, his strange behavior is not their fault, nor is your sadness and anger.
Let them know they can (and need to for their own psychological well-being, not just yours) talk to you about what is going on, and how they feel about it. Make sure they feel free to ask questions, but be careful not to put them on the defensive by asking too many of your own.
Who am I to be giving so much advice?? You must have hit a soft spot in my heart. I'm now taking care of my aging alcoholic father, turning to this community for advice as well. I wish you the best - - be strong!
AKA 'grewupinabarn'
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 471
Hi wish he'd quit,
Welcome to SR!! Lots more will be along soon with helpful posts.
I am just going to give a big hollarin' "I second that' to what Theonlychild said.
I wish I was the child of divorce as opposed to a child of 2 alcoholics. There just seemed to be no point to seeing 2 people stay together when there was only mistrust, contempt, and disrespect and no love in the relationship.
Alcoholism affects the child's adult life, adult relationships, adult career, and even how they raise their own children (even if they never drink). And there is the safety issue of leaving them in his care. You are making the right decision.
I really like the idea of bringing in other adults as examples of non-alcoholic behavior. They may get angry at you at times as they grow older about the divorce (few kids in any family stay 100% non-angry), and it will help to have another adult, or four, give a 'neutral' opinion and space to air their feelings. They will someday thank you for what you are doing.
Welcome to SR!! Lots more will be along soon with helpful posts.
I am just going to give a big hollarin' "I second that' to what Theonlychild said.
I wish I was the child of divorce as opposed to a child of 2 alcoholics. There just seemed to be no point to seeing 2 people stay together when there was only mistrust, contempt, and disrespect and no love in the relationship.
Alcoholism affects the child's adult life, adult relationships, adult career, and even how they raise their own children (even if they never drink). And there is the safety issue of leaving them in his care. You are making the right decision.
I really like the idea of bringing in other adults as examples of non-alcoholic behavior. They may get angry at you at times as they grow older about the divorce (few kids in any family stay 100% non-angry), and it will help to have another adult, or four, give a 'neutral' opinion and space to air their feelings. They will someday thank you for what you are doing.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
The best way you can help them is to be honest with them IMO. Obviously, this needs to be done in an age appropriate way, and with as little judgment as possible so it doesn't come across sounding like "Daddy is evil and mommy is wonderful".
Perhaps the answer is really "what is the worst thing I could do in this situation?" The worst thing that can be done is to pretend it doesn't exist. To ignore the elephant in the living room and tell the kids not to talk about it.
Talk about it. Talk about how the kids feel when Daddy gets like that. Talk about the disease (not necessarily in reference to their father, just the disease itself and what it does to people). Talk about why you felt you had to go away. If your kids are feeling clingy, I'm guessing there is fear that you might leave them too. Tell them you've noticed their change in behavior and ask them if they're okay (not why there is the change, just open the door for them to tell you if they want to). Make sure they know that none of what happened between the adults had anything to do with the kids behavior, that you still love them as much as you ever did. Tell them that sometimes, when someone gets really upset, it may seem like they're upset at you, but they really aren't, they're just unhappy.
Be open and honest and as transparent as their ages will allow. The kids know there is something not right. Let them know it's okay to ask/talk about it. Most of the people on this forum will tell you that the culture of secrecy is one of the most difficult issues to work through as an adult - it permeates everything. Teach your children how to appropriately express emotions, especially negative or frightening ones.
I can remember wishing that my parents would divorce. I can remember thinking that as far back as first grade. They are still married, 46 years now. I often wonder if my dad's drinking would have escalated from "social" to "alcoholic" if they had divorced. But there's no point in wondering, as the past is what it is.
Make certain your kids know you love them unconditionally. Don't try to cover things up or make excuses. The phrase "Yeah, daddy's like that sometimes," is a neutral way of affirming what they're feeling without being judgmental, especially if you allow them to tell you how they feel about it.
Perhaps the answer is really "what is the worst thing I could do in this situation?" The worst thing that can be done is to pretend it doesn't exist. To ignore the elephant in the living room and tell the kids not to talk about it.
Talk about it. Talk about how the kids feel when Daddy gets like that. Talk about the disease (not necessarily in reference to their father, just the disease itself and what it does to people). Talk about why you felt you had to go away. If your kids are feeling clingy, I'm guessing there is fear that you might leave them too. Tell them you've noticed their change in behavior and ask them if they're okay (not why there is the change, just open the door for them to tell you if they want to). Make sure they know that none of what happened between the adults had anything to do with the kids behavior, that you still love them as much as you ever did. Tell them that sometimes, when someone gets really upset, it may seem like they're upset at you, but they really aren't, they're just unhappy.
Be open and honest and as transparent as their ages will allow. The kids know there is something not right. Let them know it's okay to ask/talk about it. Most of the people on this forum will tell you that the culture of secrecy is one of the most difficult issues to work through as an adult - it permeates everything. Teach your children how to appropriately express emotions, especially negative or frightening ones.
I can remember wishing that my parents would divorce. I can remember thinking that as far back as first grade. They are still married, 46 years now. I often wonder if my dad's drinking would have escalated from "social" to "alcoholic" if they had divorced. But there's no point in wondering, as the past is what it is.
Make certain your kids know you love them unconditionally. Don't try to cover things up or make excuses. The phrase "Yeah, daddy's like that sometimes," is a neutral way of affirming what they're feeling without being judgmental, especially if you allow them to tell you how they feel about it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: London UK
Posts: 242
Welcome. 
I'm an adult child of parents who had untreated mental health difficulties [I have too, but am in treatment and have been for some years.] My father, self medicated, I guess, with alcohol. But it changed his personality - not sure where the depression and paranoia ended and the alcohol effects began.
My parents stayed together, somehow. Dad's mellowed with retirement, age, and the death of his overly restrictive and repressive mother [sad to say].
I'm an only child.
I think mostly anxiety and bewilderment was what came out of it for me. Along with an acute defence protection of my mother. And a huge amount of buried rage and sadness I wasn't allowed to or able to express at the time.
What I think is very important is to keep the channels of communication open with your children, about what they're feeling, how you're feeling. And to have emotional support for them and you.
I'm an adult child of parents who had untreated mental health difficulties [I have too, but am in treatment and have been for some years.] My father, self medicated, I guess, with alcohol. But it changed his personality - not sure where the depression and paranoia ended and the alcohol effects began.
My parents stayed together, somehow. Dad's mellowed with retirement, age, and the death of his overly restrictive and repressive mother [sad to say].
I'm an only child.
I think mostly anxiety and bewilderment was what came out of it for me. Along with an acute defence protection of my mother. And a huge amount of buried rage and sadness I wasn't allowed to or able to express at the time.
What I think is very important is to keep the channels of communication open with your children, about what they're feeling, how you're feeling. And to have emotional support for them and you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: San Jose, CA
Posts: 266
Hello,
I am a parent and I divorced with the ex being both and addict/Alcoholic. My sons are now 21 and 16. My 21 yr old looks back at it as the best thing that could of happened to his family. I did not let he father see him very much. When he got older I told him the truth as long as you are there for your kids, it does not matter. They will learn that you are there and when they get old enough it will be their choose whether or not they want anything to do with their father.
The 16 yr old has watched his father go into jail and prison his whole life. It drives him to be a better person. My 16 year has to write an essay on who his hero was. That story is getting plubished in a book. I am his hero. He said a hero is someone that is there for you no matter what. A hero is someone that takes care of you and loves you no matter what.
Divorce is not the end of the earth. It is a new adjustment in their life. They are young enough I would not worry about it.
I am a parent and I divorced with the ex being both and addict/Alcoholic. My sons are now 21 and 16. My 21 yr old looks back at it as the best thing that could of happened to his family. I did not let he father see him very much. When he got older I told him the truth as long as you are there for your kids, it does not matter. They will learn that you are there and when they get old enough it will be their choose whether or not they want anything to do with their father.
The 16 yr old has watched his father go into jail and prison his whole life. It drives him to be a better person. My 16 year has to write an essay on who his hero was. That story is getting plubished in a book. I am his hero. He said a hero is someone that is there for you no matter what. A hero is someone that takes care of you and loves you no matter what.
Divorce is not the end of the earth. It is a new adjustment in their life. They are young enough I would not worry about it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Ohio
Posts: 25
My view is a little bit different. I grew up with an abusive/addict mother. She verbally/mentally abused my father, brother, and I for years. Now that I am older I wish my father had the strength to leave her when I was young. If he had stepped up and left her he would have saved all of us from her abuse. I do not believe I would have missed my mother. All of my memories of her from my childhood are bad ones.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
hi wish,
I'm sorry to say that you can also count me among the "I wish my parents had divorced" crowd. Instead, I grew up with two alcoholics, one part-time, one full-time, and it has taken me a few decades to become mentally healthy again.
SR is a wonderful place, but one thing that might be really useful would be to see a counselor with your kids. Look up therapists/counselors who work with families or with children, especially if you can score one that has experience with addiction. They can be REALLY helpful in developing age-appropriate responses to these kinds of things you mention, and then you'll have a nice toolkit of options for keeping your kids healthy and sane.
Good luck!
GL
I'm sorry to say that you can also count me among the "I wish my parents had divorced" crowd. Instead, I grew up with two alcoholics, one part-time, one full-time, and it has taken me a few decades to become mentally healthy again.
SR is a wonderful place, but one thing that might be really useful would be to see a counselor with your kids. Look up therapists/counselors who work with families or with children, especially if you can score one that has experience with addiction. They can be REALLY helpful in developing age-appropriate responses to these kinds of things you mention, and then you'll have a nice toolkit of options for keeping your kids healthy and sane.
Good luck!
GL
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 174
Thank you all for giving me your point of view. I greatly appreciate it. I'm trying my best to become educated on alcoholism. I don't have any other experiences with alcoholism other than what I have experienced with him. Not that that isnt enough but Im just so frustrated with everything. I have been doing some talking with my son about drinking and the way it makes him feel. I'm very careful in what I say and to make sure I dont bash AH to the kids. But on the same note my son is very smart for his age and I give him as much as I feel he can handle. I'm going to get him a kids phone for Christmas so that he can call me when ever he feels like it or needs to. Aparently documenting and my son's word isnt enough to prove that he needs supervised visitation. So at least if he has the phone he can call me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Ohio
Posts: 25
I think getting him a phone is a great idea. I know having a safe person to call and talk with would have made a big difference to me when I was young. It sounds like you are doing the best you can, and I am sure things will work out for you.
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