Please... I need advice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Littleton, Co.
Posts: 3,317
Please... I need advice
I have been putting off writing this because I wasn't sure how to say what I need to say. Anyway... here goes.
I have been attending IOP now for about a month, I was having suicidal thoughts and severe depression. Anyway yesterday my therapist told me - based on what I had shared with the group, that I need to contact a batterd women's shelter, because of the verbal and emotional abuse I am getting from my husband. He is not getting better - he is getting worse. Things like yelling at me for an hour for crying over hurtful things he said. Thats just the tip of the iceberg.
I am so scared to get involved with a womens shelter be cause I don't want to upset the applecart. My kids are all doing well emotionally and in school. If I were to leave him, what would that do to them.
My step sons and son are best friends and they always have been, I don't want that bond to be broken.
I am working so hard right now on myself - to better myself. I have been sober for over 9 months, I am attending IOP 3 days a week, my therapist one day a week. I start the bipolar support group tomorrow, I am trying so hard!
He said he would try to make a couple of the bipolar support groups, but he won't learn from them, because it is a bunch of psyco-babble.
I am at a loss as to what else I can do. It is quite obvious that he is trying to bring me down while I'm vulnerable. I just sometimes wish I could just lay down and not wake up.
Any responses or advice would be helpful.
Suzette
I have been attending IOP now for about a month, I was having suicidal thoughts and severe depression. Anyway yesterday my therapist told me - based on what I had shared with the group, that I need to contact a batterd women's shelter, because of the verbal and emotional abuse I am getting from my husband. He is not getting better - he is getting worse. Things like yelling at me for an hour for crying over hurtful things he said. Thats just the tip of the iceberg.
I am so scared to get involved with a womens shelter be cause I don't want to upset the applecart. My kids are all doing well emotionally and in school. If I were to leave him, what would that do to them.
My step sons and son are best friends and they always have been, I don't want that bond to be broken.
I am working so hard right now on myself - to better myself. I have been sober for over 9 months, I am attending IOP 3 days a week, my therapist one day a week. I start the bipolar support group tomorrow, I am trying so hard!
He said he would try to make a couple of the bipolar support groups, but he won't learn from them, because it is a bunch of psyco-babble.
I am at a loss as to what else I can do. It is quite obvious that he is trying to bring me down while I'm vulnerable. I just sometimes wish I could just lay down and not wake up.
Any responses or advice would be helpful.
Suzette
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 6,608
(((Suzette))) I am sorry you are hurting so bad. I would think the children would know something was up with his apparent anger issues towards you. My parents divorced when I was young and they never argued in front of us. It was always in the bedroom and very quiet. They didn't think we knew but we did and we were relieved in a way when they finally did something about it.
If he is threatening you physically then you can't stay with him and emotional abuse is as bad. You have a lot to think about and I pray you will do what's best for you. Your children would want what's best for you.
If he is threatening you physically then you can't stay with him and emotional abuse is as bad. You have a lot to think about and I pray you will do what's best for you. Your children would want what's best for you.
No more merlot, more mamma
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Hills, Ct
Posts: 2,139
Hi,
I'm glad that you wrote. (((Suzette))))
Let's just look at this one thing at a time. By contacting the women's shelter does that mean that you have to make any decisions right away? Or, can you maybe just set up an appointment to speak with someone from there and go from there?
Do you feel that you are in imminent danger? If so, please contact them ASAP.
I was married to an verbally abusive man, and my perspective on things was pretty skewed. That's what happens.
I'm sure that others with more experience will be along soon.
big hugs,
Karen
I'm glad that you wrote. (((Suzette))))
Let's just look at this one thing at a time. By contacting the women's shelter does that mean that you have to make any decisions right away? Or, can you maybe just set up an appointment to speak with someone from there and go from there?
Do you feel that you are in imminent danger? If so, please contact them ASAP.
I was married to an verbally abusive man, and my perspective on things was pretty skewed. That's what happens.
I'm sure that others with more experience will be along soon.
big hugs,
Karen
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,051
I'm so sorry that you're going through this Suzette, I can understand why you've put off writing about it. Such hard decisions to make.
I'm not sure how much I can offer, I can only share my experience.
In my first couple weeks of sobriety, I had to check myself into a mental hospital. The day I went there my son had a baseball game, my ex told me later on that he stood on the pitchers mound with tears streaming down his face, not understanding why his father had deserted him.
I felt so low, and so selfish. But at the same time I knew that I had to do whatever it took to get well, and to stay focused on my recovery. And what I've come to know is that children are incredibly resilient and forgiving. More than anything, my children now understand that I did what was necessary at the time, and the result is that we share an incredible life together. I don't have any regrets about the decisions I've made in my recovery, because they were made for the benefit of all of us.
When I heard someone say "are you willing to do whatever it takes to achieve long-term sobriety?" I took that to mean my emotional, mental, and physical sobriety. So I've always done what I felt was right in spite of what my ex, family, or friends were laying into me about at the time.
You are trying and working so hard, and doing so well. Please don't give in or give up.
I'm not sure how much I can offer, I can only share my experience.
In my first couple weeks of sobriety, I had to check myself into a mental hospital. The day I went there my son had a baseball game, my ex told me later on that he stood on the pitchers mound with tears streaming down his face, not understanding why his father had deserted him.
I felt so low, and so selfish. But at the same time I knew that I had to do whatever it took to get well, and to stay focused on my recovery. And what I've come to know is that children are incredibly resilient and forgiving. More than anything, my children now understand that I did what was necessary at the time, and the result is that we share an incredible life together. I don't have any regrets about the decisions I've made in my recovery, because they were made for the benefit of all of us.
When I heard someone say "are you willing to do whatever it takes to achieve long-term sobriety?" I took that to mean my emotional, mental, and physical sobriety. So I've always done what I felt was right in spite of what my ex, family, or friends were laying into me about at the time.
You are trying and working so hard, and doing so well. Please don't give in or give up.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Arvada, CO
Posts: 26
Hey Suzette...well i think that you are truly in a complicated situation. However, I think that what is best for you is also best for your kids. I think that you think that the kids don't know anything is up. I think that's what most parents think. But you also have to figure your kids know you just about as good as you know them. So even though it is happening behing closed doors doesn't necessarily mean they don't know. Besides i think if your kids did know for sure...regardless of the situation they would never want there mother to endure abuse of any kind. Your there mother...they love you. I also think that abuse is abuse and if he chooses to treat you like he does you should really re-evaluate your situation. You don't deserve that...no one does. If he doesn't want to make an effort then what is the point? Find the strength in yourself to tell him NO you will not treat me this way and NO i won't put up with it any longer. Don't give him the power. You are a person...every person deserves love and respect. I hope this helps...thinking bout ya!! MUAH!
Jack:ghug3
Jack:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Suzette)))
I'm glad you shared what is going on. I have to agree with everyone else. I think the kids already know something is going on. I know my 15 year old niece gets livid if my dad says anything out of line to my stepmom. Other kids will keep it inside.
I also agree with Karen. Just because you contact a women's shelter, doesn't mean you have to DO anything right now...you can just talk to someone. Support from someone who understands is invaluable, as you've found out by coming here. They may have suggestions you've never even thought of. It certainly can't hurt to talk to them.
I was emotionally abused by an XABF and I know how bad it hurts. I actually begged him to hit me because I figured I'd get over the physical pain a lot faster than the mental pain (how sick was I!?!?). My dad can be verbally abusive, but I don't allow it. It took me 20 years, and recovery to learn that I don't have to take it any more.
As always, you and your family are in my prayers!
Amy
I'm glad you shared what is going on. I have to agree with everyone else. I think the kids already know something is going on. I know my 15 year old niece gets livid if my dad says anything out of line to my stepmom. Other kids will keep it inside.
I also agree with Karen. Just because you contact a women's shelter, doesn't mean you have to DO anything right now...you can just talk to someone. Support from someone who understands is invaluable, as you've found out by coming here. They may have suggestions you've never even thought of. It certainly can't hurt to talk to them.
I was emotionally abused by an XABF and I know how bad it hurts. I actually begged him to hit me because I figured I'd get over the physical pain a lot faster than the mental pain (how sick was I!?!?). My dad can be verbally abusive, but I don't allow it. It took me 20 years, and recovery to learn that I don't have to take it any more.
As always, you and your family are in my prayers!
Amy
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
Suzette, I'm sorry you're in this position. I know how scary it is to make decisions that seem so drastic, regardless of the reasons we have to make them. I would never assume to know what's best for someone else, but I will throw something else in the mix for you to consider.
You say:
If he's yelling at you, and that's just the "tip of the iceberg," these boys know you're being mistreated. Not only will they learn from him the way to treat women, they will look to you to determine if it's acceptable behavior. Silence and inaction are often mistaken for approval.
Prayers coming your way.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
You say:
Originally Posted by Toomuch
Things like yelling at me for an hour for crying over hurtful things he said. Thats just the tip of the iceberg.
I am so scared to get involved with a womens shelter be cause I don't want to upset the applecart. My kids are all doing well emotionally and in school. If I were to leave him, what would that do to them.
My step sons and son are best friends and they always have been, I don't want that bond to be broken.
I am so scared to get involved with a womens shelter be cause I don't want to upset the applecart. My kids are all doing well emotionally and in school. If I were to leave him, what would that do to them.
My step sons and son are best friends and they always have been, I don't want that bond to be broken.
Prayers coming your way.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
mle-sober
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
Hi Suzette,
I'm sorry you're in so much pain. My therapist told me the same thing in IOP. She told me to pack a bag for me and a bag for the kids and be ready to leave if he ever got physcial with me again. I still have the card in my wallet.
I haven't needed it. It's been 10 months today. He still gets loud and nasty and bossy but he hasn't pushed or hit me again.
Part of what calmed our household down is that I withdrew to the guest room. And I stopped (or tried to stop) having expectations that he would be nice to me, be understanding, be gentle or provide really anything I needed emotionally or psychologically.
I posted a sign in my wall to remind me that it was up to me to take care of myself and that it was high time I started treated my nicely. That I couldn't take away the past, I could only add to the future. I still read that sign every day. It helps me to start out the day and end the day recognizing that I'm the one who has the responsibility to be gentle and nurturing to myself. And that I can make my days better but I can never go back and make the past better.
If for no other reason than that you will have some questions answered, I agree with the others above that you should call the women's center. Find out what other women in your situation do. Do they bring their kids? Do they have room for you? How long can you stay?
I'd also advise you never to leave without your kids. He can get custody if you do. I think.
Be gentle and super nice to yourself right now. Care for yourself the way you would care for a dear girlfriend or sister who was going through what you are going through right now.
You husband is reacting in ways that are all about him and his fears and insecurities. See if you can side-step away from them. Try not to engage him. Try to not even breathe the same air. It's toxic.
I'm sorry you're in so much pain. My therapist told me the same thing in IOP. She told me to pack a bag for me and a bag for the kids and be ready to leave if he ever got physcial with me again. I still have the card in my wallet.
I haven't needed it. It's been 10 months today. He still gets loud and nasty and bossy but he hasn't pushed or hit me again.
Part of what calmed our household down is that I withdrew to the guest room. And I stopped (or tried to stop) having expectations that he would be nice to me, be understanding, be gentle or provide really anything I needed emotionally or psychologically.
I posted a sign in my wall to remind me that it was up to me to take care of myself and that it was high time I started treated my nicely. That I couldn't take away the past, I could only add to the future. I still read that sign every day. It helps me to start out the day and end the day recognizing that I'm the one who has the responsibility to be gentle and nurturing to myself. And that I can make my days better but I can never go back and make the past better.
If for no other reason than that you will have some questions answered, I agree with the others above that you should call the women's center. Find out what other women in your situation do. Do they bring their kids? Do they have room for you? How long can you stay?
I'd also advise you never to leave without your kids. He can get custody if you do. I think.
Be gentle and super nice to yourself right now. Care for yourself the way you would care for a dear girlfriend or sister who was going through what you are going through right now.
You husband is reacting in ways that are all about him and his fears and insecurities. See if you can side-step away from them. Try not to engage him. Try to not even breathe the same air. It's toxic.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Littleton, Co.
Posts: 3,317
Thank you for all the good advice. I do know that my kids know whats going on. When I bought a book to start working on my boundaries a few months ago, at that time I began standing up to him and it felt amazingly good. Anyway that book was put to the side when I began having stimach pains which led to surgery. This going on at the same time I was under a doctors care for mental illness
I guess I am very vulnerable right now, and have made myself an easy target. I need to get that boundaries book out and follow through this time. I'ts just so hard while I am working on so many other things.
My thanks button isn't working so dont think I'm not thankful, because I am.
I guess I am very vulnerable right now, and have made myself an easy target. I need to get that boundaries book out and follow through this time. I'ts just so hard while I am working on so many other things.
My thanks button isn't working so dont think I'm not thankful, because I am.
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Nothing to add to the excellent advice here, but I want to say how sorry I am that you are going through this, sweetie...you are a beautiful, loving person and an awesome mom .I loved Mle_sober words.., good advice...you have accomplished so much and I pray that you will continue to do the right thing for you and your babies, as you have done all along...I will keep you in my prayers, Suzette, and I send you prayers of strength, clarity and peace and oh so many hugs, Grateful
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Littleton, Co.
Posts: 3,317
Well - I went out on a limb catching my husband in a good mood and asked if he would go to marriage counseling. He said he would but didn't understand why I thought we needed it... Hello...
Anyway it's a start - I was so afraid to ask, and so glad I did.
Anyway it's a start - I was so afraid to ask, and so glad I did.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: New York
Posts: 32
Hi Suzette,
Is your husband in denial about your condition? Sounds like he can't/hasn't/won't face the facts. Maybe someone can educate him about how serious addiction and bi-polar disorder are and what he needs to do to live with a spouse afflicted with both!!!
-Majamama
Is your husband in denial about your condition? Sounds like he can't/hasn't/won't face the facts. Maybe someone can educate him about how serious addiction and bi-polar disorder are and what he needs to do to live with a spouse afflicted with both!!!
-Majamama
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: IL
Posts: 71
I have been in a few abusive relationships in the past. Mostly emotional and mental, some a little physical. I also drug my 2 kids through the horror as well. Believe me, they know. I remember being in your situation and have much experience and advice. Please feel free to PM me anytime. Remember your kids are only as happy as you are. If your husband doesn't see the use in counseling it will probably do no good. Much like alcoholism, you can't fix something you do not think is broke. Good luck and I am here if you need me
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Littleton, Co.
Posts: 3,317
Majamama and soarinhigh - He does need education on my being bipolar, but its not something that he wants to do. On the other hand he is going to go to marriage counseling with me. I hope it will do some good. I need to go into it with a positive attitude.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Born in Long Island NY/Mtns of N.C Is my home now
Posts: 405
I really hate to hear you are having such a bad time, wish i had more advice or something to add but, i see you have had alot givin to you already. I also have a situation i currently went through with my wife, what helped me was to really find out what my heart feels not what John feels (cause we know ol John is messed up) so i went to our other house were there is noone around for miles and just sat out on the back deck with no noises other than wind no other distraction in the world , shut my eyes and connected with my heart, may sound weird to others but it was a very wounderful experience i cannot begin to explain. Lasted for hours and will not soon be forgotten.
So if you can find a really quite place give it a shot, whatcha gotta loose??????
Take care,
John
So if you can find a really quite place give it a shot, whatcha gotta loose??????
Take care,
John
Just starting out...
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 110
Marriage counseling is an excellent idea. You're right, your kids have got to know what is going on and for me it's always all about the kids. Not wanting to raise them with an abusive male as a role model for their future lives. Good luck and please keep us posted.
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