How to deal with someone in detox?
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New York
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How to deal with someone in detox?
Can anyone offer any advice on the best way to speak to someone who is in detox? I just got off the phone with my ABF who just called from detox. This is his second time in there which he chose to go on his own to detox from subs which he was on for opiates. He will be in for 5 days and comes out on Friday.
He called me today earlier than usual telling me he has been thinking of me and he's bored and wished he had his books to read and he updated me on his progress and what not... I suggested that if he's bored he should write letters or get thoughts out on paper or even write me a letter. He said he didn't want to do that much thinking but he sounded really great and positive and was talking about outpatient treatment and that things cleared with Medicaid and he can go to a counseling center right in our town which he could even walk to so he even said he has no excuse. It was a good conversation. Until.....
he asked how I was doing. I told him I was up until 4 am thinking about things and our situation and that I could be doing better and I got a little choked up... I told him that we really need to work on a lot of things as a couple when he gets home. He knows that I am an insomniac and barely eat when I'm nervous and add pms to that and I'm a wreck!!! So he tells me that I need to get my own help as well, which I agree, of course. But that they are just going to tell me what I know all along that what i need to change is my situation and that is to remove the toxicity out my life. And I kept saying how I am paranoid that things won't change for the better and that he will go back to his old patterns again.
At this point he told me his phone time was up and that the conversation didn't go as well as he wanted and that he was feeling a lot more positive before we spoke. I encouraged him to stay positive and to work on himself and don't worry about me and just get better. good-bye.
So my concerns are:
Was I too negative when he is trying to be positive?
Should I not bring up my own feelings because he needs to work on himself first?
I don't know how to speak to him anymore without accusing him or thinking that everything he is saying is a lie and a ploy to continue to use me.
The last time he came home from detox he was wonderful and we had our relationship and our old lives back (minus his job which was a primary cause of his relapse) So I have some hope that he will stay true to his word, especially since he now has assistance with insurance and will actively seek outside treatment.
I'm also so tired, cranky, hungry, pms-y, and stressed from writing a final paper for Grad school and worrying about him in detox.
Oh and PS: I have to leave work early without lunch to go get a root canal today at 4 pm then go straight to class......
:wtf2
He called me today earlier than usual telling me he has been thinking of me and he's bored and wished he had his books to read and he updated me on his progress and what not... I suggested that if he's bored he should write letters or get thoughts out on paper or even write me a letter. He said he didn't want to do that much thinking but he sounded really great and positive and was talking about outpatient treatment and that things cleared with Medicaid and he can go to a counseling center right in our town which he could even walk to so he even said he has no excuse. It was a good conversation. Until.....
he asked how I was doing. I told him I was up until 4 am thinking about things and our situation and that I could be doing better and I got a little choked up... I told him that we really need to work on a lot of things as a couple when he gets home. He knows that I am an insomniac and barely eat when I'm nervous and add pms to that and I'm a wreck!!! So he tells me that I need to get my own help as well, which I agree, of course. But that they are just going to tell me what I know all along that what i need to change is my situation and that is to remove the toxicity out my life. And I kept saying how I am paranoid that things won't change for the better and that he will go back to his old patterns again.
At this point he told me his phone time was up and that the conversation didn't go as well as he wanted and that he was feeling a lot more positive before we spoke. I encouraged him to stay positive and to work on himself and don't worry about me and just get better. good-bye.
So my concerns are:
Was I too negative when he is trying to be positive?
Should I not bring up my own feelings because he needs to work on himself first?
I don't know how to speak to him anymore without accusing him or thinking that everything he is saying is a lie and a ploy to continue to use me.
The last time he came home from detox he was wonderful and we had our relationship and our old lives back (minus his job which was a primary cause of his relapse) So I have some hope that he will stay true to his word, especially since he now has assistance with insurance and will actively seek outside treatment.
I'm also so tired, cranky, hungry, pms-y, and stressed from writing a final paper for Grad school and worrying about him in detox.
Oh and PS: I have to leave work early without lunch to go get a root canal today at 4 pm then go straight to class......
:wtf2
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hi. You sound like you are under a lot of stress right now. Slow down. Focus on what you need to do to get through the next few days and let him take care of his own problems before you make yourself sicker than you already have.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Let him have some space to work through his issues and at the same time you can get a little space to work through yours.
Making yourself sick isn't going to help him get anybetter. And neither is worrying or stressing about things you can't control. My thoughts are with you as you get your root canal this afternoon - here's to a fast recovery!
Breathe in. Breathe out. Let him have some space to work through his issues and at the same time you can get a little space to work through yours.
Making yourself sick isn't going to help him get anybetter. And neither is worrying or stressing about things you can't control. My thoughts are with you as you get your root canal this afternoon - here's to a fast recovery!
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
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Originally Posted by bella78 
he asked how I was doing. I told him I was up until 4 am thinking about things and our situation and that I could be doing better and I got a little choked up... I told him that we really need to work on a lot of things as a couple when he gets home. He knows that I am an insomniac and barely eat when I'm nervous and add pms to that and I'm a wreck!!! So he tells me that I need to get my own help as well, which I agree, of course. But that they are just going to tell me what I know all along that what i need to change is my situation and that is to remove the toxicity out my life. And I kept saying how I am paranoid that things won't change for the better and that he will go back to his old patterns again.
Seems to me that if he is in rehab trying to work on himself the last thing he needs to be troubled with is someone else's issues. You need to work on yourself just like he needs to work on himself. This is what we all hope for with our addicts. You hope he gets into a program and starts to work his own recovery and yet you (sounds to me) want him to be focused on the fact that you got little sleep, you want to work on things in your relationship, you are paranoid that things wont change etc....
So my concerns are:
Was I too negative when he is trying to be positive?
Should I not bring up my own feelings because he needs to work on himself first?
I don't know how to speak to him anymore without accusing him or thinking that everything he is saying is a lie and a ploy to continue to use me.
Also I would like to add that while this may seem cold I think you should back off from him. Let him find recovery. Let him figure himself out. Find recovery for yourself. Figure out yourself. If you have any hope to work things out then two individuals who havent dealt with their issues will not be effective in working things out.
The converstation that you had is a hallmark reason for recovering addicts being told not to be involved in a relationship during the first year.
Please dont take this as me trying to be mean I am just being honest. This whole thing would work much easier for both of you if each of you sought your own recovery. I think that in your recovery you would also find the ability to forgive his behavior while in active addiction so it wont bother you so much. In order to move forward we all have to forgive......
Prayers for both of your recoveries......
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New York
Posts: 39
What do I need? I need a night and a day of sleep and movie marathons in my sweats with just me, my kitty purring on my lap, and hot chocolate with marshmallows. Don't see it happening anytime soon. Maybe early January... after holidays, before spring semester.
My head is spinning and I can't think straight and I want a new life and I'm not married yet so I can still have it - but I don't want to hit him with that as soon as he comes home because it will be devastating to him since he has no place to go and will assure him relapsing - 100%. I love him but I feel like I am torturing myself. I can't put myself through this again - but I know no one will be able to tell me if it will ever be ok... If he didn't live with me I think things would be sooo much easier!
I should really get back to work before I get fired and lose the only income and financial support that we have. ugh. 45 mins to go before the drilling in my head really begins with the root canal!!! As if I haven't had enough!!!
Sorry about the rant. My head is spinning here at work and I can't concentrate and I needed to get it out before one of my coworkers asks me what's wrong and the water ducts open up!
My head is spinning and I can't think straight and I want a new life and I'm not married yet so I can still have it - but I don't want to hit him with that as soon as he comes home because it will be devastating to him since he has no place to go and will assure him relapsing - 100%. I love him but I feel like I am torturing myself. I can't put myself through this again - but I know no one will be able to tell me if it will ever be ok... If he didn't live with me I think things would be sooo much easier!
I should really get back to work before I get fired and lose the only income and financial support that we have. ugh. 45 mins to go before the drilling in my head really begins with the root canal!!! As if I haven't had enough!!!
Sorry about the rant. My head is spinning here at work and I can't concentrate and I needed to get it out before one of my coworkers asks me what's wrong and the water ducts open up!
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
What's that say? I'd rather have a root canal than.... (insert answer).
Hopefully once you get the root canal out of the way, things will be clearer for you. When I feel overwhelmed I try to focus on the present. I figure out what I can control or change, and I work on those issues first. Everything else can wait. Usually it passes or morphs into something else. And all the worry in the world wouldn't have changed it anyway.
Maybe you'll get some rest this evening. Take care of yourself. If you don't. Who will.
Hopefully once you get the root canal out of the way, things will be clearer for you. When I feel overwhelmed I try to focus on the present. I figure out what I can control or change, and I work on those issues first. Everything else can wait. Usually it passes or morphs into something else. And all the worry in the world wouldn't have changed it anyway.
Maybe you'll get some rest this evening. Take care of yourself. If you don't. Who will.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
After my last "drama" with AS i went to doctor - got a few sleeping pills, went grocery shopping and spent a whole day sleeping and eating. it is amazing how much better i felt and how i can now get more done and handle the stress. if you can somehow take one day for yourself you will feel so much better. sleep and food are essential and you cant deal with all of this without it. I decided on no contact for a while just so i could get myself healthy again and it makes all the difference in the world. You are very concerned about him, his feelings but what about yours. What about what he's done to you and how its affecting your health. Is he sitting in detox unable to eat or sleep because he's worried about you?
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You know Bella I do understand your pain right now.
But no decision has to be made NOW. Yes be more postive when he calls as in:
"Gee Honey, you really are sounding positive this time. You know, I've heard of these 'Sober Living Houses' like Odyssey Houses and they seem to be really great for the person new to recovery. You get your own space and time to work on you, and yet can get a job, got to meetings, etc."
Bella there really are lots of those types of housing. He just needs to check on the net and he can ask the counselors and staff at the detox, as I am sure they are aware of some.
A sober living house would be great for him, and FOR YOU. You would still have contact, maybe even 'dates' now and then, and both of you would be able to work on yourselves.
It would also give you time to see if his ACTIONS are matching his WORDS or if he is just QUACKING one more time.
In the meantime, please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very very much.
Love and hugs,
But no decision has to be made NOW. Yes be more postive when he calls as in:
"Gee Honey, you really are sounding positive this time. You know, I've heard of these 'Sober Living Houses' like Odyssey Houses and they seem to be really great for the person new to recovery. You get your own space and time to work on you, and yet can get a job, got to meetings, etc."
Bella there really are lots of those types of housing. He just needs to check on the net and he can ask the counselors and staff at the detox, as I am sure they are aware of some.
A sober living house would be great for him, and FOR YOU. You would still have contact, maybe even 'dates' now and then, and both of you would be able to work on yourselves.
It would also give you time to see if his ACTIONS are matching his WORDS or if he is just QUACKING one more time.
In the meantime, please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very very much.
Love and hugs,
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Location: East Tawas, MI
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I like the idea of a halfway house. My daughter went to one for two months and I could really see progress during that time. I think if she had come home after rehab she would have just done the same old, same old. The halfway house required them to take care of themselves, to have a job or do 15 hours a week of volunteering and to attend counseling and meetings. Maybe you could just mention it to him. Tell him you do need time to work on you and with him in the house that is close to impossible. Hugs, Marle
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Thanks everyone for the thoughtfulness and hugs. I'm in my pjs and stretching out my legs from having Kitty cramp them up from the way she was sleeping on me. It's amazing what a little love from a grateful purring friend keeping you warm can do. 
I wish she and I could spend a whole week together vegging out like this cuddling and purring together but I have finals and projects over the next 2 weeks and can't take any time off to do this.
So - Root canal went ok. Funny story though... as my jaw was pried open, I'm drooling all over myself and my dentist is drilling away at a dead root in my mouth and I'm actually welcoming the physical pain as a distraction from the mental anguish going on in my head, a commercial comes on the TV that they have in the room as a deterrent to the torture advertising "Alcoholism and the Addiction Cure". I couldn't hear what it was saying though because the sound of the drill was too loud and all I smelt was dead tooth being sanded away. But as the title flashed 3 times on the screen I clenched my eyes shut trying not to feel the mental pain creeping back in and tried to concentrate on the physical pain, a tear rolled down my cheek. At this point the dentist, a young handsome single DDS, who just 10 mins earlier asked why a young beautiful woman like me wasn't married yet, stopped drilling and asked if he was hurting me and if I wanted him to stop because I looked like I was in pain.
How ironic I thought. Yes, Hello-Kitty, I would rather have a root canal by a handsome dentist who would cared if I was in pain and would say yes if I asked him to dinner, than to deal with my current situation. I thought to myself at this point, if only addiction could be drilled away like the dead tooth in my mouth and I could walk out of the office, feel a little sore for a few days and resume eating as normal. And have a follow up call the next day to ask if I was alright.
So, yes! Please dentist, drill away!!
As for food and nourishment, my tooth hurts too much to eat tonight...but tomorrow night I am going to dinner with some girlfriends who make me laugh after I get out of class. They think BF is visiting family though because I don't want to discuss him or the situation anymore. I just want to eat a good meal, laugh about silly high school and college stories and just enjoy myself.
I will bring up the option of a halfway house or a Sober Living facility, although I know he will be strongly against it. I have thought of it. I will also bring up the option of him going to his mom's (although I myself don't want to put him through that torture) But it will probably force him to get a job even quicker.
I have also decided that if he does not attend meetings or go for counseling immediately, than I will not stick around to watch another relapse and he will have no other options but to leave. My only problem is that I hope I have the energy to enforce this.
Thanks for all the warmth again... Kitty and I are going to back to the bed and watch more mindless tv.
I wish she and I could spend a whole week together vegging out like this cuddling and purring together but I have finals and projects over the next 2 weeks and can't take any time off to do this. So - Root canal went ok. Funny story though... as my jaw was pried open, I'm drooling all over myself and my dentist is drilling away at a dead root in my mouth and I'm actually welcoming the physical pain as a distraction from the mental anguish going on in my head, a commercial comes on the TV that they have in the room as a deterrent to the torture advertising "Alcoholism and the Addiction Cure". I couldn't hear what it was saying though because the sound of the drill was too loud and all I smelt was dead tooth being sanded away. But as the title flashed 3 times on the screen I clenched my eyes shut trying not to feel the mental pain creeping back in and tried to concentrate on the physical pain, a tear rolled down my cheek. At this point the dentist, a young handsome single DDS, who just 10 mins earlier asked why a young beautiful woman like me wasn't married yet, stopped drilling and asked if he was hurting me and if I wanted him to stop because I looked like I was in pain.
How ironic I thought. Yes, Hello-Kitty, I would rather have a root canal by a handsome dentist who would cared if I was in pain and would say yes if I asked him to dinner, than to deal with my current situation. I thought to myself at this point, if only addiction could be drilled away like the dead tooth in my mouth and I could walk out of the office, feel a little sore for a few days and resume eating as normal. And have a follow up call the next day to ask if I was alright.
So, yes! Please dentist, drill away!!
As for food and nourishment, my tooth hurts too much to eat tonight...but tomorrow night I am going to dinner with some girlfriends who make me laugh after I get out of class. They think BF is visiting family though because I don't want to discuss him or the situation anymore. I just want to eat a good meal, laugh about silly high school and college stories and just enjoy myself.
I will bring up the option of a halfway house or a Sober Living facility, although I know he will be strongly against it. I have thought of it. I will also bring up the option of him going to his mom's (although I myself don't want to put him through that torture) But it will probably force him to get a job even quicker.
I have also decided that if he does not attend meetings or go for counseling immediately, than I will not stick around to watch another relapse and he will have no other options but to leave. My only problem is that I hope I have the energy to enforce this.
Thanks for all the warmth again... Kitty and I are going to back to the bed and watch more mindless tv.
Last edited by bella78; 12-02-2008 at 09:25 PM.
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Location: Seattle, WA
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Hi bella. Stay true to YOU! Your bf can work things out on his own. He needs to. That's the only way he will succeed.
I know following through on boundaries is tough. Keep posting and reading here. We will support you no matter what your Addict BF does. We care about you.
Hope you feel better today.
I have also decided that if he does not attend meetings or go for counseling immediately, than I will not stick around to watch another relapse and he will have no other options but to leave. My only problem is that I hope I have the energy to enforce this.
Hope you feel better today.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New York
Posts: 39
I do feel much better today. We had a much better convo on the phone and he brought up a lot of things on his own that I have been feeling that he has been speaking about to his counselor. Things like both of us need to be in positive environments and working on ourselves before working on "us". Having him initiate those topics was a huge relief because at least I know that we agree on how we should start to handle things we he gets out.
It was a positive conversation and mad my day go by a lot easier. Plus I actually got more than 4 hrs of sleep last night.
It was a positive conversation and mad my day go by a lot easier. Plus I actually got more than 4 hrs of sleep last night.
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