ToughChoices

I had a great meeting today - we talked about "detaching with love."

One of our group members is really struggling with letting go of her son's addiction. Her life is a whirlwind of phone calls, court dates, hospital bills, custody hearings, etc... She takes a step away from the chaos only to be overcome with guilt and anguish for abandoning someone who needs her so much.

She said, crying, "When I try to take care of myself he tells me that I don't care about him, and I just can't stand for him to think that!"

But it was SO clear, to everyone there, to anyone looking at this woman, that she cares about her son with all her heart. She was willing to do anything to help him.

Yet, because he couldn't recognize her caring, she began to doubt it, herself.

I could see, in her struggle, many of my issues.
This nagging belief that if my addict didn't feel loved, it was because I was not being loving enough, not responding correctly, answering harshly. That my behavior was the problem.

I couldn't stand for my A to think that I was a bad, unloving person, because, for so long, I looked to him to tell me that I was good.

Recovery from codependency teaches me that "what other people think of me is none of my business".
I love that.
It is so freeing.

I know my intentions (most of the time!), and I no longer look to someone else to confirm or validate them for me.

Have a great night, everybody.
Thanks for letting me share!

-TC

DII

Great post....thanks. I think that A's are VERY sensitive to what people think of them. Alcohol often provides the cushion to that sensitivity.

prodigal

Thank you, thank you, thank you for this post! I can relate to how this woman feels. That's what I love about the meetings ... when someone discusses something that I can really relate to and I have that ah-ha moment.

Thanks again!

ToughChoices

I'm continually struck by the common threads that run through all of our stories.

Whether the A is a spouse, child, parent, lover, or friend.

It is empowering and humbling to realize that MY situation is not unique, that my feelings, my insecurities have been felt before.

I am not a pioneer, forging the first path through the pain of this.
Others have been here before me -
more will follow -
together we will make it safely through.

Thanks for walking with me!
-TC