not sure about this
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Join Date: Dec 2005
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not sure about this
I am feeling uneasy and not sure if I am overreacting. Would love some perspectives.
Last night, my RABF got frustrated and had a temper outburst. I have told him once before that verbal assault, yelling or other negative communication is not tolerated in my world. I created a gentle safe home, and I will not have it trashed by emotional toxicity.
So, last night. We had worked well side by side all day on projects, and we were eating dinner. All was going beautifully. After dinner RABF is preparing to go to his AA mtg, and we are saying our goodbyes. He offered to take my dog outside, which I appreciated. He usually takes very good care and treats me and my animals well. My dog is a runner, and he knows this so we both know she needs to stay on her leash. I reminded him as he was going out to bring the leash. He got all macho and said no dog was running away on his watch, and he diodn't need a leash.
Well. He got distracted on the walk, took a call on his phone, left the dog on her own for a fair amount of time, and guess what/ she bolted after a squirrel into the night.
When he told me, I just matter of factly got my keyes, got in my car and started driving to look for the dog. It was raining, and miserab;le and we couldn't see a thing so we came home. Itold him to just go to the meeting and that I'd wait for vthe dog to return, because I knew eventually she would.
Again, he got all dramatic and said he wasn't leaving till the dog returned. Without getting loud, i insisted that it'd be fine. Just go. Honestly, I was feeling like I wanted some space by now. His emotions were getting very intense.
So, he walks thru the kitchen (on the JUST washed floor with muddy boots....aaarghh) and knocked over an entire apple pie. Aaaaarghhh again.
Why I minimize these irritations I do not know, but I was on my last nerve.
Dog comes home, and I was dealing with her the way I do: I spoke sternly but in a calm voice.
He, on the other hand, yelled and I mean LOUD yelling, at my dog, and traumatised the 2 of us for hours afterwords. It was excessive and inexcusable to speak that way.
After he left, I began to shut down totally. I feel that verbal assault of anyone or anything is never okay. It is abusive and aggressive. I felt so on edge and uncomfortable.
When we spoke this afternoon, I let RABF know that I cannot see him until I have had time to sort thru my feelings about his yelling, and told him that it is not acceptable in my ligfe, and that if it ever happens again, we are done.
He of course, thinks i am overreacting and don't know how to treat a dog properly and that I baby her, and came up with lots of BS about/rationalisations for it being appropriate when a dog takes off. I disagree and I know in my heart that my dog responds best to firm calm tones. She was shaking for hours. He also owned his behaviour and said he will look at why he lost his temper and apologised
My question besides just needing to air my thoughts here, is: am I being too harsh on him because of my own issues with DV in the way far distant past or am I being clear headed?
Last night, my RABF got frustrated and had a temper outburst. I have told him once before that verbal assault, yelling or other negative communication is not tolerated in my world. I created a gentle safe home, and I will not have it trashed by emotional toxicity.
So, last night. We had worked well side by side all day on projects, and we were eating dinner. All was going beautifully. After dinner RABF is preparing to go to his AA mtg, and we are saying our goodbyes. He offered to take my dog outside, which I appreciated. He usually takes very good care and treats me and my animals well. My dog is a runner, and he knows this so we both know she needs to stay on her leash. I reminded him as he was going out to bring the leash. He got all macho and said no dog was running away on his watch, and he diodn't need a leash.
Well. He got distracted on the walk, took a call on his phone, left the dog on her own for a fair amount of time, and guess what/ she bolted after a squirrel into the night.
When he told me, I just matter of factly got my keyes, got in my car and started driving to look for the dog. It was raining, and miserab;le and we couldn't see a thing so we came home. Itold him to just go to the meeting and that I'd wait for vthe dog to return, because I knew eventually she would.
Again, he got all dramatic and said he wasn't leaving till the dog returned. Without getting loud, i insisted that it'd be fine. Just go. Honestly, I was feeling like I wanted some space by now. His emotions were getting very intense.
So, he walks thru the kitchen (on the JUST washed floor with muddy boots....aaarghh) and knocked over an entire apple pie. Aaaaarghhh again.
Why I minimize these irritations I do not know, but I was on my last nerve.
Dog comes home, and I was dealing with her the way I do: I spoke sternly but in a calm voice.
He, on the other hand, yelled and I mean LOUD yelling, at my dog, and traumatised the 2 of us for hours afterwords. It was excessive and inexcusable to speak that way.
After he left, I began to shut down totally. I feel that verbal assault of anyone or anything is never okay. It is abusive and aggressive. I felt so on edge and uncomfortable.
When we spoke this afternoon, I let RABF know that I cannot see him until I have had time to sort thru my feelings about his yelling, and told him that it is not acceptable in my ligfe, and that if it ever happens again, we are done.
He of course, thinks i am overreacting and don't know how to treat a dog properly and that I baby her, and came up with lots of BS about/rationalisations for it being appropriate when a dog takes off. I disagree and I know in my heart that my dog responds best to firm calm tones. She was shaking for hours. He also owned his behaviour and said he will look at why he lost his temper and apologised
My question besides just needing to air my thoughts here, is: am I being too harsh on him because of my own issues with DV in the way far distant past or am I being clear headed?
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
I use to offer some advice to young couples thinking about having babies, I would say get a dog first and see how you guys do....
dunno why I thought of that, it was just the first thing that came to mind.
dunno why I thought of that, it was just the first thing that came to mind.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
I wonder if we have what used to be called "nerves". I can't take any yelling, loud noises, etc. I didn't use to be this way, but I definitely am now. I won't put up with anyone raising their voice to me, or my daughter, or my cat, etc.
I can't handle loud confrontations, or any situation like it. I can't even stand a loud television.
On topic - no, I don't think you're overreacting. I've found that any time I feel I want to tell my AH "you need to grow up" that something is very wrong with what is going on...and that's exactly what I would have wanted to say to yours.
I can't handle loud confrontations, or any situation like it. I can't even stand a loud television.
On topic - no, I don't think you're overreacting. I've found that any time I feel I want to tell my AH "you need to grow up" that something is very wrong with what is going on...and that's exactly what I would have wanted to say to yours.
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,698
I certainly wouldn't say that you are overreacting.
It is entirely within your rights to raise your dog as you see fit and to maintain a nurturing environment within your own home.
Your boundary was violated. You took action to protect yourself in light of that violation. You offered warning that further violations would not be tolerated.
Sounds healthy to me!
I'm glad that he has apologized.
Perhaps it was a single mistake, not to be repeated.
If that doesn't turn out to be the case, you certainly sound like someone who is well equipped to take care of yourself (and your pooch!).
Good luck to you!
-TC
It is entirely within your rights to raise your dog as you see fit and to maintain a nurturing environment within your own home.
Your boundary was violated. You took action to protect yourself in light of that violation. You offered warning that further violations would not be tolerated.
Sounds healthy to me!
I'm glad that he has apologized.
Perhaps it was a single mistake, not to be repeated.
If that doesn't turn out to be the case, you certainly sound like someone who is well equipped to take care of yourself (and your pooch!).
Good luck to you!
-TC
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I don't see a thing wrong with your reactions, communicat. (not to mention that I've trained dogs for 28 years, and you don't teach a dog not to run away by abusing the he** out of it verbally when it COMES BACK - that's just moronic)
I do not tolerate that kind of abuse any more either. Yell at me, and you have earned a one-way ticket out of my life.
The fact that you were made to feel afraid in your own home....well, that's just not right, apology or not.
Hugs to you, to do what's right for you -- this is bigger than just a runaway dog story. Imho, it is his whole attitude toward you & your boundaries that's happened to bubble to the surface in this situation.
Take care of yourself
GL
I do not tolerate that kind of abuse any more either. Yell at me, and you have earned a one-way ticket out of my life.
The fact that you were made to feel afraid in your own home....well, that's just not right, apology or not.
Hugs to you, to do what's right for you -- this is bigger than just a runaway dog story. Imho, it is his whole attitude toward you & your boundaries that's happened to bubble to the surface in this situation.
Take care of yourself
GL
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Couple of things Ms. C. First of all, I'd be concerned that he ignored your warnings about not allowing the dog off leash. That says to me that he doesn't value your dog's safety (or possibly it's life) and he doesn't value your wishes.
I don't know about you, but my dogs are like my children. If something happened to one of them because of someone else's carelessness, I'd be beside myself. It doesn't matter that your dog returned home later, she could have been hit by a car, stolen, picked up by the pound, or run off never to be seen again.
Second thing. Take it from someone with extensive experience working with dogs and someone who's hobby is reading and learning everything about dog behavior that I can get my hands on, scolding a dog who's bolted from you and just returned teaches them one thing:
If I return, I get yelled at. So, next time, I'll take longer to return, or I'll be afraid to return and just go my merry away. It's best not scold a dog when it returns home. This is a mistake owners make quite frequently.
The dog situation is easy to resolve. Those who don't follow my rules for handling my dogs don't get to handle them.
The boyfriend situation is easy to resolve, too (in my book). Those who don't treat me well or those things, people, or pets that I cherish don't get a second chance to mistreat me or them.
I don't know about you, but my dogs are like my children. If something happened to one of them because of someone else's carelessness, I'd be beside myself. It doesn't matter that your dog returned home later, she could have been hit by a car, stolen, picked up by the pound, or run off never to be seen again.
Second thing. Take it from someone with extensive experience working with dogs and someone who's hobby is reading and learning everything about dog behavior that I can get my hands on, scolding a dog who's bolted from you and just returned teaches them one thing:
If I return, I get yelled at. So, next time, I'll take longer to return, or I'll be afraid to return and just go my merry away. It's best not scold a dog when it returns home. This is a mistake owners make quite frequently.
The dog situation is easy to resolve. Those who don't follow my rules for handling my dogs don't get to handle them.
The boyfriend situation is easy to resolve, too (in my book). Those who don't treat me well or those things, people, or pets that I cherish don't get a second chance to mistreat me or them.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
In my opinion, you are not being too harsh or over-reacting.
1. You have been upfront both about your DV issues and about the rules in your home. (None of this is late-breaking-news to him, right?) Yet he chose to ignore that, which in my mind is extremely disrespectful and hurtful.
2. He set himself up for the entire incident by acting out of the alcoholic "I'm-all-that" place and refusing to take a leash for the dog.
3. You seem to have done everything possible both to let him make his own choices/mistakes and to remain calm despite his choosing stupidly and arrogantly with very predictable results.
4. If he had been/were today acting out of an emotionally and spiritually sober place rather than out of his "ISM," the appropriate thing for him to be doing would be making deeply sincere amends; instead he is "justifying, rationalizing" and making excuses.....(As far as I'm concerned, an apology accompanied by justifying, rationalizing and making excuse may fly in politics, but it doesn't fly in recovery!)
Given all of the above, I personally think that anything less than setting the dog on him, qualifies as gracious and highly restrained........
freya
.......and, if you ended up cleaning up the floor and the pie, I'm not sure setting the dog on him would be over-reacting either!!!!
1. You have been upfront both about your DV issues and about the rules in your home. (None of this is late-breaking-news to him, right?) Yet he chose to ignore that, which in my mind is extremely disrespectful and hurtful.
2. He set himself up for the entire incident by acting out of the alcoholic "I'm-all-that" place and refusing to take a leash for the dog.
3. You seem to have done everything possible both to let him make his own choices/mistakes and to remain calm despite his choosing stupidly and arrogantly with very predictable results.
4. If he had been/were today acting out of an emotionally and spiritually sober place rather than out of his "ISM," the appropriate thing for him to be doing would be making deeply sincere amends; instead he is "justifying, rationalizing" and making excuses.....(As far as I'm concerned, an apology accompanied by justifying, rationalizing and making excuse may fly in politics, but it doesn't fly in recovery!)
Given all of the above, I personally think that anything less than setting the dog on him, qualifies as gracious and highly restrained........
freya
.......and, if you ended up cleaning up the floor and the pie, I'm not sure setting the dog on him would be over-reacting either!!!!
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THANK YOU ALL>
you know, I shut down because internally i am aware that this is significant of much more than just the dog handling, and I'm feeling overwhelmed by the responsibility this awareness brings.
It is clear that this is not going to be a one-time mistake especially since he feels that he was not out of line in any way, stating that "I guess you and I are just different that way" (huh!?!) other than to not have kept his "temper in check" (his words).
We have enough positive and healthy dynamics in this relationship that i am willling to have one (and only one) direct discussion, before dishing out that one way pass out the door.
Anvilhead; he has 4 years sobriety. He is working diligently on changing towards emotional stability in recovery, not that i have made his progress my business. I am really grounded in my own work. Its just that if it comes into my life and is wrong for me, I will not go there with him.
you know, I shut down because internally i am aware that this is significant of much more than just the dog handling, and I'm feeling overwhelmed by the responsibility this awareness brings.
It is clear that this is not going to be a one-time mistake especially since he feels that he was not out of line in any way, stating that "I guess you and I are just different that way" (huh!?!) other than to not have kept his "temper in check" (his words).
We have enough positive and healthy dynamics in this relationship that i am willling to have one (and only one) direct discussion, before dishing out that one way pass out the door.
Anvilhead; he has 4 years sobriety. He is working diligently on changing towards emotional stability in recovery, not that i have made his progress my business. I am really grounded in my own work. Its just that if it comes into my life and is wrong for me, I will not go there with him.
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Join Date: Dec 2005
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Posts: 2,060
Originally Posted by denny57 
Did he knock over the pie deliberately?
and i have forgiven that mistake.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by miss communicat
no. it was a genuine misstep. he felt like a big oaf, because he had his foul weather gear on and my house is teeny. its literally like bull-in-china-shop proprtions.
and i have forgiven that mistake.
and i have forgiven that mistake.
i asked because destroying things is never a good sign; but you know that
in my own life, i'm not willing to tolerate anyone's temper like that. only you know if it's a one time thing or a pattern. hope it works out for the best, whatever that may be
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Originally Posted by FormerDoormat
LOL! That's what I was thinking, but then I have food issues....
anybody asks you just refer them to me
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Miss C you are correct to be concerned. And no, yelling at a dog when it comes home is not the way to treat a four legged friend.
This man obviously still has a lot of work to do on him, and it will definitely be up to you to decide whether that type of toxicity is allowable in your life or not.
Btw tell the Great White Dog Trainer to go read Cesar Milan and check his site, lol although I doubt if it would change his mind. Dogs do not learn by abuse, they learn by praise and for him to take out his own mistake on the poor dog is, in my book inexcusable. That would have brought back nightmares if it had happened to me, and you know how I am about my dogs and training etc.
You will be okay of that I am sure of. You have a good strong recovery program going. The relationship, well.......................that I am not so sure of.
You did good!!!!! Your recovery is shining!!!!!!
Love and hugs,
This man obviously still has a lot of work to do on him, and it will definitely be up to you to decide whether that type of toxicity is allowable in your life or not.
Btw tell the Great White Dog Trainer to go read Cesar Milan and check his site, lol although I doubt if it would change his mind. Dogs do not learn by abuse, they learn by praise and for him to take out his own mistake on the poor dog is, in my book inexcusable. That would have brought back nightmares if it had happened to me, and you know how I am about my dogs and training etc.
You will be okay of that I am sure of. You have a good strong recovery program going. The relationship, well.......................that I am not so sure of.
You did good!!!!! Your recovery is shining!!!!!!
Love and hugs,
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