New here, and with a question
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 9
New here, and with a question
Hello everyone. I've been reading this forum for a few weeks now, and you all seem very friendly and knowledgeable, so I hope it's OK if I jump right in.
My husband of 7 years is struggling with his addiction to opiates. He has abused alcohol and a few other things in the past, but it's the opiates that have really drawn him in to where he's gotten pretty messed up. He was drinking and using most of 2007, until we (our marriage) hit rock bottom around Xmas of last year, and he sobered up. (I took our 3-year old daughter to my mom's for a few days and threatened to stay there if he couldn't get it together.) He did OK for a while, but he has had several relapses in 2008, and most recently, I found out that he had been using again during most of October of this year. Around the first week of November, he got so messed up that he fell and hit his head hard enough to make me wonder if he had a concussion (he didn't).
I never know (though sometimes suspect) that he's using. He's insanely good at hiding it, and while I often have a gu feeling -- I've learned to trust my my gut -- he's so convincing when he lies to my face and says he's just tired/sick/stressed/etc. that I have often given him the benefit of the doubt.
This time is different though. I've had it. I can't even tell you how traumatic all of this has been for me -- how terrifying, horrifying, devastating, etc. -- so no more. I absolutely insisted he get help this time, and so far, he has attended one counseling appointment. He still needs to call to set up the second. I'm trying hard not to bug him about it, but this is exactly my problem. I don't know when to get on him about something anymore, and when to lay off. I don't trust him anymore. That has been the saddest thing about all of this for me. He's a great person, and I want to be able to believe what he says and know he's telling me the truth, but I just can't anymore. He is very bothere about that and says we can never move forward if I'm not going to trust him and believe him, but seriously, that's going to take a while for me. A long while.
One other dilemma: We both work at the same place, and we are both well-respected by our colleages. It turns out, though, that a coworker had been giving my husband all kinds of pain pills from a recent surgery she had. He told her he gets migraines, and because he has a good reputation at work, I'm sure this woman totally believes him. My husband begged me not to say anything to her (now that I know) but I don't know what to do. I'm not angry at the coworker because it's HIS problem, HIS addiction, etc. and she's not a bad person. I'm sure she just thought she was being helpful. I would like to talk to her privately, thoughm, explain that my husband has an addiction we're trying hard to deal with, and ask her please never to give him anything ever again. My husband would be very embarassed if I did that (though of course I'd ask her not to say anything), so I'm torn. Again, it boils down to trust. Do I or don't I?
My husband of 7 years is struggling with his addiction to opiates. He has abused alcohol and a few other things in the past, but it's the opiates that have really drawn him in to where he's gotten pretty messed up. He was drinking and using most of 2007, until we (our marriage) hit rock bottom around Xmas of last year, and he sobered up. (I took our 3-year old daughter to my mom's for a few days and threatened to stay there if he couldn't get it together.) He did OK for a while, but he has had several relapses in 2008, and most recently, I found out that he had been using again during most of October of this year. Around the first week of November, he got so messed up that he fell and hit his head hard enough to make me wonder if he had a concussion (he didn't).
I never know (though sometimes suspect) that he's using. He's insanely good at hiding it, and while I often have a gu feeling -- I've learned to trust my my gut -- he's so convincing when he lies to my face and says he's just tired/sick/stressed/etc. that I have often given him the benefit of the doubt.
This time is different though. I've had it. I can't even tell you how traumatic all of this has been for me -- how terrifying, horrifying, devastating, etc. -- so no more. I absolutely insisted he get help this time, and so far, he has attended one counseling appointment. He still needs to call to set up the second. I'm trying hard not to bug him about it, but this is exactly my problem. I don't know when to get on him about something anymore, and when to lay off. I don't trust him anymore. That has been the saddest thing about all of this for me. He's a great person, and I want to be able to believe what he says and know he's telling me the truth, but I just can't anymore. He is very bothere about that and says we can never move forward if I'm not going to trust him and believe him, but seriously, that's going to take a while for me. A long while.
One other dilemma: We both work at the same place, and we are both well-respected by our colleages. It turns out, though, that a coworker had been giving my husband all kinds of pain pills from a recent surgery she had. He told her he gets migraines, and because he has a good reputation at work, I'm sure this woman totally believes him. My husband begged me not to say anything to her (now that I know) but I don't know what to do. I'm not angry at the coworker because it's HIS problem, HIS addiction, etc. and she's not a bad person. I'm sure she just thought she was being helpful. I would like to talk to her privately, thoughm, explain that my husband has an addiction we're trying hard to deal with, and ask her please never to give him anything ever again. My husband would be very embarassed if I did that (though of course I'd ask her not to say anything), so I'm torn. Again, it boils down to trust. Do I or don't I?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
Welcome to SR. You are in the right place.....
Do it....
My ex has been addicted to opiates for the last year now and it has destroyed our family. I sat by and let him continue into manipulating the dr into giving him more and more pills over the last year. This has ruined his life. If he is not strong enough to take a stand then you need to do it. Its hard I know but it wont get any easier until you stop cushioning him......
Do it....
My ex has been addicted to opiates for the last year now and it has destroyed our family. I sat by and let him continue into manipulating the dr into giving him more and more pills over the last year. This has ruined his life. If he is not strong enough to take a stand then you need to do it. Its hard I know but it wont get any easier until you stop cushioning him......
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Good evening and welcome as well.
You are definatly in the right place, I am new here as well- about a week or so, everyone on the site has been helpful to me and comforting.
My boyfriend and I have lived together for 3yrs now, my house, and my family have all been open to him. He too, struggled with alcohol addiction & coke a while back,however now its pain pills.
This pain pill addiction is what brought me here. It is the most evil drug- and the man I knew dissapeared with the use of the pills. It is a very tough thing to tell if they are on them- but you will definatly see the signs, the happy days- where they are motivated, and useful around the house- the bad days, when they are out of them, and they are the most wretched individuals to be with, tired, mean, in pain, headaches, "i don't feel good". You get the picture.
It won't just go away. For all you know- he could be takeing 20 a day- after a while your body dosen't respond to the meds- so they have to take more and more to even feel "normal"
Would I mix business with my home life? Well- I differ with Cass on that one. (and I always love her advice/words/etc.
The last thing you need is one or more people in your family unemployed right now- business is ruthless- you don't know what the ramifications of bringing that out into the workplace will do.
I am NOT suggesting enableing him- if he is too tired to get to work on time- so be it, let him fall flat on his face. If someone at work asks if he is feeling ok because he is calling out sick- say that you are unsure- perhaps they should take up his absenteism, and tardiness up with him.
What you need to do lies within you and what you want for your family.
If you continue to read here- I'm sure you will see what I am talking about.
Everyone here will give you the support and advice that you need.
I hope you continue reading and posting as well.
Cessy
You are definatly in the right place, I am new here as well- about a week or so, everyone on the site has been helpful to me and comforting.
My boyfriend and I have lived together for 3yrs now, my house, and my family have all been open to him. He too, struggled with alcohol addiction & coke a while back,however now its pain pills.
This pain pill addiction is what brought me here. It is the most evil drug- and the man I knew dissapeared with the use of the pills. It is a very tough thing to tell if they are on them- but you will definatly see the signs, the happy days- where they are motivated, and useful around the house- the bad days, when they are out of them, and they are the most wretched individuals to be with, tired, mean, in pain, headaches, "i don't feel good". You get the picture.
It won't just go away. For all you know- he could be takeing 20 a day- after a while your body dosen't respond to the meds- so they have to take more and more to even feel "normal"
Would I mix business with my home life? Well- I differ with Cass on that one. (and I always love her advice/words/etc.
The last thing you need is one or more people in your family unemployed right now- business is ruthless- you don't know what the ramifications of bringing that out into the workplace will do.
I am NOT suggesting enableing him- if he is too tired to get to work on time- so be it, let him fall flat on his face. If someone at work asks if he is feeling ok because he is calling out sick- say that you are unsure- perhaps they should take up his absenteism, and tardiness up with him.
What you need to do lies within you and what you want for your family.
If you continue to read here- I'm sure you will see what I am talking about.
Everyone here will give you the support and advice that you need.
I hope you continue reading and posting as well.
Cessy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
One thing that I try to practice with my addict (daughter, also addicted to opiates) is that I don't create a crisis. You can tell your co-worker, but your husband will just find his opiates somewhere else. That is also something that addicts are good at, finding their drug of choice. The only thing that I have found helpful when dealing with my daughter's addiction is to take care of me. It took me a long time to get it that I could not control what she was going to do. It took me a long time to finally start to take care of me despite what she was or was not doing. You can give your husband all kinds of ultimatums but if he is not ready to get help, he will find a way to continue using and lying, etc. etc. etc. I hope that you stick around and read and post. This is a good place to share. Also if there are any Nar-anon or Al-anon meetings close to you, check them out. They can be a lifesaver and will teach you how to live whatever you decide to do about your addict. Welcome to SR. Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Western WA
Posts: 132
I can totally and completely relate to your situation!! I, too, have learned to trust my gut and lost almost all trust in my BF of almost 3 years, who is addicted to opiates. All I can say is try Al-Anon, as someone else already said. It took me several different visits to different meetings until I found one that I was comfortable with, so please do the same if you need to. I'm learning so much about how to deal with my issues and set boundaries.....which I fully admit is still hard to do at times!! Keep your chin up!!
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Welcome to SR. You have found a great place with lots of Experience, Strength and Hope, from both folks who have been where you are now, and folks who have been where your AH (Addict Husband) is right now.
First, I would suggest you RUN not walk but RUN to the nearest Alanon and Naranon meetings for YOU. You see, no matter what you do, he will use until HE IS READY to give it up, that is what addicts do.
Telling the co-worker won't change a thing. He'll just find a different dealer. He will continue to lie, manipulate, pull on your emotional strings as long as it works and even after it stops.
So, first you have to IMPRINT the 3 C's into your brain, heart, and soul:
You didn't CAUSE it,
You can't CONTROL it, and
You can't CURE it.
Alanon and/or Naranon, I say either/or because many times there are more Alanon meetings than Naranon meetings in any particular area.
There and here you will learn how to take care of you and your child. How to set YOUR boundaries and STICK to the set CONSEQUENCES.
Unfortunately, you cannot fix him. You can only fix yourself, and protect your child.
Please try Alanon. Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care very much.
It is a long road ahead of you. And somewhere down that road will come some pretty hard decisions on your part. We are here for you.
You are not losing your sanity! Continue to TRUST your gut!!! You also might want to get the book "Codependent No More" it is very inciteful and is available on Amazon.com
Love and hugs,
First, I would suggest you RUN not walk but RUN to the nearest Alanon and Naranon meetings for YOU. You see, no matter what you do, he will use until HE IS READY to give it up, that is what addicts do.
Telling the co-worker won't change a thing. He'll just find a different dealer. He will continue to lie, manipulate, pull on your emotional strings as long as it works and even after it stops.
So, first you have to IMPRINT the 3 C's into your brain, heart, and soul:
You didn't CAUSE it,
You can't CONTROL it, and
You can't CURE it.
Alanon and/or Naranon, I say either/or because many times there are more Alanon meetings than Naranon meetings in any particular area.
There and here you will learn how to take care of you and your child. How to set YOUR boundaries and STICK to the set CONSEQUENCES.
Unfortunately, you cannot fix him. You can only fix yourself, and protect your child.
Please try Alanon. Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care very much.
It is a long road ahead of you. And somewhere down that road will come some pretty hard decisions on your part. We are here for you.
You are not losing your sanity! Continue to TRUST your gut!!! You also might want to get the book "Codependent No More" it is very inciteful and is available on Amazon.com
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
Welcome saartje! I'm sorry you are going through this. You are not alone. I'm back here at soberrecovery after my ABF's relapse. The addict lies. That's what addicts do. Focus on his actions, not his words. I had no idea that my ABF had been using for the past 3 months. I felt like things weren't right--I was feeling anxious and uncomfortable, and couldn't put my finger on it. However, he hid everything very well. I don't think it will help to tell his coworker. It will just make him angry, and he will easily find pills somewhere else. It is amazing how resourceful an addict can be when looking for pills.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Edmonton AB
Posts: 285
I can't emagine what you have been going through the past seven years. It sounds like you have been through alot though..from what you have said so far.
A few things I can add that may help you, is cry. Cry when you can and when you need to.
Talk to people you can trust. Dont bottle everything in.
Find the strength within you. Listen to what you, *and only you* should do.
Write your life goals down. Buy a blank book and go to town. Write down the color of furnature you want, the holidays you want to take, what shows you would like to see, what music, lessons, dancing, painting, you would like to watch or learn about.
Write until you have all of your life's desires down in that book including love. *Happiness* Peace and most importantly, Laughter with your daughter.
Oh, and one more thing...
Don't trust him. Because you don't have to.
Karen.
A few things I can add that may help you, is cry. Cry when you can and when you need to.
Talk to people you can trust. Dont bottle everything in.
Find the strength within you. Listen to what you, *and only you* should do.
Write your life goals down. Buy a blank book and go to town. Write down the color of furnature you want, the holidays you want to take, what shows you would like to see, what music, lessons, dancing, painting, you would like to watch or learn about.
Write until you have all of your life's desires down in that book including love. *Happiness* Peace and most importantly, Laughter with your daughter.
Oh, and one more thing...
Don't trust him. Because you don't have to.
Karen.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Welcome. The words above are strong and so supportive. Please take care of you. Know that you are not alone, you are not crazy. Addicts have an unbelievable ability to manipulate us into thinking that we are the sick ones... sad and true.
It doesn't get better until he wants it to get better if you do nothing for you. You have to make it better for you... whatever that means to you. It may take time to figure that out, but you will. The suggestion to write it all down... what you do you want???, is so powerful. Another way to anchor yourself in the storm.
Keep coming back, we care. You will be glad you found this site... I am eternally grateful for all the caring and support that I have received.
It doesn't get better until he wants it to get better if you do nothing for you. You have to make it better for you... whatever that means to you. It may take time to figure that out, but you will. The suggestion to write it all down... what you do you want???, is so powerful. Another way to anchor yourself in the storm.
Keep coming back, we care. You will be glad you found this site... I am eternally grateful for all the caring and support that I have received.
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
I can also relate to your situation because my AH is addicted to opiates too..
I know your pain, I know your frustration and I know all to well the lies, the secrets and the chaos that these pills cause..
What Marle said is very true, you can confront the co worker about giving your husband pills and she may stop but it's not going to stop your husband from getting the pills from someplace else.. I drove myself completely crazy trying to stop my AH from obtaining pills.. I even went as far as calling and texting all his drug dealers threatening to turn them into the police if I ever saw their numbers on my husbands phone again.. That did not stop my AH at all.. it only made the situation worse and of course he found a way to get more pills.. with an addict if there is a will there is a way.. and believe me they will find a way..
Your husband will continue to use until he is ready to stop and when he is sick and tired of being a slave to these pills.. and not a moment before..
The best thing for you to do for your AH is to stand back and do nothing.. yes, I said nothing because there is nothing that you can do for him.. You can make the appointments to the counsler but it doesnt mean he will go, you can drive him to NA or AA meetings but it doesn't mean he will sit there and listion to what is being said.. HE HAS TO WANT IT...
However there is so much that you can do for you.. find an alanon or naranon meeting and start attending.. work on setting boundaries for yourself when it comes to your husbands addiction and stick to them.
I've been where you are and in a lot of ways I'm still where you are.. living with an addict is no walk in the park.. my recovery is a one day at a time process and I have to wake up each day and chose not to enable my spouse, to stick with my boundaries and to try to make this the best day that I possibly can. Somedays are great, other days I slip and fall..
Keep reading and posting here at SR.. it has been a life saver for me.. also you may want to pick up the book Codepenent No More.. I think I have read that book at least a half dozen times in the past year.. it has helped me so much in setting boundaries and seeing that I'm just as addicted to helping my AH as he is to taking those pills..
Good luck
JEN
I know your pain, I know your frustration and I know all to well the lies, the secrets and the chaos that these pills cause..
What Marle said is very true, you can confront the co worker about giving your husband pills and she may stop but it's not going to stop your husband from getting the pills from someplace else.. I drove myself completely crazy trying to stop my AH from obtaining pills.. I even went as far as calling and texting all his drug dealers threatening to turn them into the police if I ever saw their numbers on my husbands phone again.. That did not stop my AH at all.. it only made the situation worse and of course he found a way to get more pills.. with an addict if there is a will there is a way.. and believe me they will find a way..
Your husband will continue to use until he is ready to stop and when he is sick and tired of being a slave to these pills.. and not a moment before..
The best thing for you to do for your AH is to stand back and do nothing.. yes, I said nothing because there is nothing that you can do for him.. You can make the appointments to the counsler but it doesnt mean he will go, you can drive him to NA or AA meetings but it doesn't mean he will sit there and listion to what is being said.. HE HAS TO WANT IT...
However there is so much that you can do for you.. find an alanon or naranon meeting and start attending.. work on setting boundaries for yourself when it comes to your husbands addiction and stick to them.
I've been where you are and in a lot of ways I'm still where you are.. living with an addict is no walk in the park.. my recovery is a one day at a time process and I have to wake up each day and chose not to enable my spouse, to stick with my boundaries and to try to make this the best day that I possibly can. Somedays are great, other days I slip and fall..
Keep reading and posting here at SR.. it has been a life saver for me.. also you may want to pick up the book Codepenent No More.. I think I have read that book at least a half dozen times in the past year.. it has helped me so much in setting boundaries and seeing that I'm just as addicted to helping my AH as he is to taking those pills..
Good luck
JEN
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by Mavis 
I can't emagine what you have been going through the past seven years. It sounds like you have been through alot though..from what you have said so far.
A few things I can add that may help you, is cry. Cry when you can and when you need to.
Talk to people you can trust. Dont bottle everything in.
Find the strength within you. Listen to what you, *and only you* should do.
Write your life goals down. Buy a blank book and go to town. Write down the color of furnature you want, the holidays you want to take, what shows you would like to see, what music, lessons, dancing, painting, you would like to watch or learn about.
Write until you have all of your life's desires down in that book including love. *Happiness* Peace and most importantly, Laughter with your daughter.
Oh, and one more thing...
Don't trust him. Because you don't have to.
Karen.
A few things I can add that may help you, is cry. Cry when you can and when you need to.
Talk to people you can trust. Dont bottle everything in.
Find the strength within you. Listen to what you, *and only you* should do.
Write your life goals down. Buy a blank book and go to town. Write down the color of furnature you want, the holidays you want to take, what shows you would like to see, what music, lessons, dancing, painting, you would like to watch or learn about.
Write until you have all of your life's desires down in that book including love. *Happiness* Peace and most importantly, Laughter with your daughter.
Oh, and one more thing...
Don't trust him. Because you don't have to.
Karen.
He hasn't been an addict the whole 7 years. We met 12 years ago, and he was my best friend -- truly, a wonderful, intelligent, kind person. In 2002, though, his dad was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer; he died a slow, painful death in 2004. Three weeks after that, his only brother was diagnosed with end-stage colon cancer. A few months after that, there was a big fight in his family, and they didn't speak to us or acknowledge our existence for 2 years. Oh, and we had a baby. So, there have been A LOT of stresses -- almost a ridiculous amount. He started drinking sometime around the time his dad passed away, and it's been off-an-on (mostly on) with the chemicals since then.
As for writing down my dreams, up until a year ago, I would have said that I'm living it. Great husband, great job, wonderful daughter, beautiful house -- we've got it. We're not materialistic people, but we've worked hard, and I've been happy with where I am in my life -- until this addiction reared its ugly head. I feel like we can't get a break. *I* can't get a break. The last 7 years have been all about his family (and rightfully so, I guess, when it comes to all the illnesses) and I've been waiting patiently to get to a spot where I feel like I can exhale. Our summer was great -- that was a nice break. But now, I just feel so hopeless and sad about everything. I will definitely look into the Al-Anon meetings. I was just looking at locations earlier, and because of the somewhat public nature of my job, I think I'll need to find a meeting that's at least 10-15 miles away from here, but that's OK. I don't want to run into anyone I/we know. (I know I shouldn't be ashamed, but you know how people love to gossip...)
Thank you so much, everyone. I'm still debating about the coworker. I know in my heart of hearts that you're right that he won't change unless HE wants to, but I can't help but think that I should at least try. I dunno. How do you go from having NO boundaries between you and your husband to feeling like now you always have to have your guard up? I can't get used to it, and I don't want to live like that. That's not a marriage....
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