jennygirl73

So, yesterday morning my AH sends me a text message from the living room couch (where he has been sleeping for the past 2 weeks straight, and every time that he is drunk) asking if I will come in there and talk to him. Against my better judgement, I go. He is still drunk from the night before, and I can tell right away that he is pissed. He asks where I was 3 nights ago, and I told him that I met a friend from work, and then we went back to his house and sat and talked to his wife and her sister. I have a couple of friends at work that I have confided in recently, and Thanksgiving was expecially hard on me since I had to fake that everything was fine while AH's family was around. I cried for hours. I needed someone to talk to. I talked about him the entire time! My friend also drinks too much, but at least he is home every night! Anyways, AH starts calling me a *****, and says that I better go get an attorney, because he is sick and tired of this (???) and he wants a divorce. I almost started laughing because his accusations are just SO FAR FETCHED! So I quietly tell him that if it makes him feel better to invent a dramatic event so that he can blame me instead of himself, then by all means, he should go for it. I've spent the last week trying to decide if I want to stay with him, even if he sobers up, and then all of the sudden he wants to divorce ME??? I decided to take off my rings, because I am not going to wear the ring of a man that would call me a *****, when the only thing I want is him. All I want is for him to sober up and make that transition from single party guy to married guy with a child. I guess that if he gets rid of me, he won't have to hear crap about how much he drinks. The bright side is that with shared custody, I would imagine that he will see more of his daughter than he does now living in the same house. The whole thing is just so sad to me. I won't be able to move out until after the 1st of the year, and I definitely cannot afford this house on my own. Right now, we are avoiding each other more than usual. He did give me my cell phone back, but only until tomorrow. Then I have to get my own phone service. I am taking it hour by hour. I am trying not to let me daughter see me cry any more. And the truth is that right now, I am so tired of being hurt, that I almost don't care anymore. I wish I could afford to move now. But then he took our daughter today to go xmas tree shopping! It's still in the back of the truck, but why buy a tree today if yesterday you told me that you wanted me out of this house and that he wanted a divorce!

FormerDoormat

If my boyfriend needed someone to talk to and chose to spend hours talking to and crying on another woman's shoulder, I would have a problem with that. I've come to realize that it wasn't always my alcoholic boyfriend who invited drama into my life. Sometimes, I was the culprit and I created my own drama.

embraced2000

the effects of living with alcoholism kept me totally confused, too. the mind games made me very, very sick. i learned that my expectations of my xah was a certain setup for disappointment.

it was all crazy. can't make sense out of crazy.

equinessa

I am new to the program so have little experience with recovery so there will be others on this forum who can give you better tips than i can. But when I was getting really upset with what my AH was saying hurtful things whilst intoxicated my al-anon darlings would just say "he is sick, and pay no heed to the rubbish he is talking whilst intoxicated". I think they call it quacking on this forum.

If his brain is fogged up with alcohol who knows what he is thinking, and then when he sobers up he wants yo forget that and you have been in angst for days for naught.

It's hard, bloody hard but is easier if you can get to meetings. I also found that people outside of the program of AA and Al-anon haven't got a clue on how to deal with drinking dilemmas.

They also said. Remember, you come first. I am so grateful for their wisdom. I am learning detachment (every morning).

Today he is sober, but that only came about when I stepped aside and let the consequences of his drinking behaviour be his and his alone.

Take care of you and your daughter sister.

cassandra2

I agree with equinessa......

So true quack quack quack.....While active in their addiction their goal is to hurt you. Why, because they are hurting. They want you to feel just as bad as they do. No doubt.

Pay him no mind. He went and bought a tree today you say, its probably because he doesnt remember saying those things to you.......Understand this quickly and you will save yourself alot of heartache when he does start saying things again.

My ex would say quack quack quack and the first thing I would start to do is figure out why he would say that and blah blah blah....Then for days my feelings would be hurt and for why? Because I chose to listen to the quack quack of an active addict......

equinessa

Sorry for all the type errors in that post. I must remember to scan it before I post.

Did he take your daughter whilst he was drunk? You can use the law to prevent that happening again, but you probably know that already.

Best wishes for you.

equinessa

I read a pamphlet called "Alcoholism - a merry-go-round called denial". There was a part in it that traces the alcoholic's need to provoke an attack by his partner. If he is successful in this, he has only one way to deal with his feelings of inadequcy and guilt. And we all know what that is.

That is why, for this woman, detachment from the quacking was so crucial to my getting off his merry-go-round which was acutally more like a ride on the "House of Horrors".

Keep posting, get to a meeting.

ddot

Hello all, this is my first time on this site, and it is helpful to find you all, as I've been dealing with these issues for a while and very alone...Thank you all for being there...I'm not sure what all the protocol and the abbreviations are here, so please bear with me if I make any forum etiquitte blunders...
I do have some thoughts/requests/to share, though I'm not sure how active everyone is or I will be..bear with me please.

There a post about the "provoked response" that is certainly true of my situation, and I'm sure many others. My husband attempts to incite an argument and then blame me. It takes all my willpower to not jump into that trap, and I'm not often successfull, but I have to do it, to remember to protect my son, after all, stopping the cycle for his sake is critical.

My situation is similar to jennygirl in that the husband runs hot and cold, and I can't afford to move out. My husband loves my son, so then in moving out would bring in the child custody issues. I know that my husband is negligent when watching our son, but he would call me a liar, and fight hard for him. Which leads me back to the provoked arguments, and the blame coming from the husband. I'm sure he would try to paint me as the problem in a divorce.

If anyone has any resources on protecting the children, and making a case for custody in these kinds of situations I would greatly appreciate tips or resources that are out there.

equinessa-would you mind digging out the "merrygoround"
pamphlet and giving us some more info on where it is from-sounds like a resource that could be helpful...I didn't find it in a web search. Thanks everyone for being there. I've felt so alone.

ddot

denny57

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ed-denial.html

inahaze

Hi all, new here but not to the run around love you today, hate you tomorrow stuff.....

I've been with my AH for almost 13yrs now. It never stops, no matter now much they say they want to or how much that they say they love you or the kids or that they can't live without you or that you're their "soulmate". It never stops.

Mine didn't even acknowledge any responsbility until the past couple of years and our children are 7 and 10!!!!! He believes that he's a good husband because he pays the bills in his head. He just leaves out the late payments, mismanaged money, and the debt he dug us into a couple of times.....

The attitude that yours gave you about not doing this any more, that he wants a divorce or that you did something supposedly...It's all a load of bull just to make him feel better and put him in line to "make you feel better" later. He'll give a great apology later, make you feel like he'd do anything in the world for you and how you're the love of his life speech. More than likely you'll buy it, most of us have, and it'll be great for awhile. Everyone's time frame is different, 1 wk, 1 month or even 6 months...it'll come back though because in his head nothing is wrong with him.

T

equinessa

Great denny57, I am glad I read your post. I was just about to go and dig out the pamphlet and try putting it through the scanner.

I am not qualified to give legal advice on child custody issues, and because I am so new feel hesitant to give tips about such delicate situations (because children's hearts are involved). But I will say this. If you went to a few al-anon meetings you would hear stories that give you insights in to how to deal with your own situations. I must sound like one of those evangelistic shows on TV on a Sunday night. It seems that I just keep saying the same thing, go to meetings. Sorry if it is becoming tedious. But it worked/is working for me. I might also add that it was the last resort. I thought it was for "people with problems" and didnt think I had a problem. I certainly knew my husband did, and I wasn't too shy to remind him either......and usually when it was least appropriate, when he was drunk. Very predictable story I'm afraid. Up to my neck in denial.

Although he is sober today, going to meetings etc, that can change in an instant, but now I know that I can call my al-anon friends, go and see them, read a book, get on line.......anything really except focus on him. And for me, that is change. I wouldn't say I have a clue what serenity is, can't imagine in fact. But boy I love the feeling that I'm not responsible for him and that's a start.

brundle

In my situation I usually call it "punishing". Like this weekend my AH was acting like a jerk so I didn't say good-night before going to bed. The next morning he acted like I was a horrible person that I didn't go hunting for him the night before (we have a large home and lots of land he could have been anywhere). He "acted" hurt and then when it came time to go to my sister's birthday I ended up having to go alone; he just didn't "feel up to it".

Being use to his cr@p I happily took the kids and left (I have more fun without him). I was however the only one without a partner; that's the norm anymore. I made no excuses for him. He's still acting cool and funky and will probably tell me he wants a divorce if I don't beg forgiveness or offer sex. I wont. He wont do anything it's just his way of try to control me and hurt me.

They are just mean; lots of times even when they aren't drunk. My prayers are with you and your little one. Keep on reading; I have found the posts here really helpful!

HUGS!!!!!

queenteree

You may be new here, but I think you have a great perspective on things. I've been dealing with this for years also. Just as recently as this past week. AH recently relapsed after 4 mos. sober, of course, I am to blame, the kids are to blame, life is to blame, but not HIM. If it makes him feel better, I just let him say it and ignore it. He sobered up kinda for Thanksgiving, day after, well on his way to drunkeness again. And of course, the "it's over, I'll be moved out by March" Did this all weekend, tired of me and the kids treating him like crap when he "does everything for us and took care of us all these years" (except for the fact that he's been unemployed since May, and I've been the sole provider LOL). Now, as of this morning, he loves me and is gonna get this whole thing under control as long as I realize that he is gonna slip sometimes. QUACK QUACK QUACK! I am making plans for me, let him quack all he wants, and boy, will he be in for a rude awakening in a couple of months. I learned in Alanon that whatever they say to you, just realize that they're really saying it about them, and you'll be able to deal. It takes practice, but you gotta fake it till you make it.

ddot

Just wanted to say thank you to all the helpful people who responded.
Bless you all.-ddot

jennygirl73

I really really appreciate everyone's responses. First to FormerDoormat. I wasn't crying on another man's shoulder. This is a co-worker that is like a brother to me. My husband know this man and this man's wife. This man also drinks too much, so I was trying to get some insight into what's going on in my husbands head. He won't talk to me. We have been on non-speaking terms for the whole month of November, unless we had to communicate about our daughter. He constantly chooses other people and others functions over us! I am not saying that he forced me to go outside the marriage, but basically he did! I am not interested in any other men. I have never strayed from my marriage, and I never will. He and I both have very stong beliefs on staying faithful, and since my own father had issues with fidelity, it is not something that I would ever, ever, ever, under any circustances, do. However, I do realize that some of the drama is my fault. I read the thing on the merry-go-round, and honestly? I was stunned. It's my life written out, and it was published before I was ever even born!

"She is hurt and upset by repeated drinking episodes; but she holds the family together despite all the trouble caused by drinking.

In turn, she feeds back into the marriage her bitterness, resentment, fear and hurt, and so becomes the source of provocation. She controls, she tries to force the changes she wants; she sacrifices, adjusts, never gives up, but never forgets. The attitude of the alcoholic is that his failure should be acceptable, but she must never fail him!! He acts with complete independence and insists he will do as he pleases, and he expects her to do exactly what he tells her to do or not to do. She must be at home when he arrives, if he arrives.

This character might also be called the Adjuster; she is constantly adjusting to the crises and trouble caused by drinking. The alcoholic blames her for everything that goes wrong with the home and the marriage; she tries everything possible to make her marriage work to prove he is wrong. She is wife and housekeeper and may, in addition, feel compelled to earn part of the bread. Living with a man whose illness is alcoholism, she attempts to be the nurse, doctor and counselor. She cannot play these three roles without hurting herself and her husband. She is so upset that she cannot talk to her husband without adding more guilt, bitterness, resentment or hostility to the situation, which is already almost unbearable. Yet the customs of our society train and condition the wife to play this role. If she does not, she finds herself going against what family and society regard as the wife’s role. No matter what the alcoholic does, he ends up "at home": this is where everyone goes when there is no other place to go."

I get so hurt and angry and I have all these feelings of almost abandonment. He is leaving me and our daughter, he is making me do all of this on my own. I thought that marriage would be a partnership. I guess I am too naive. I know that I provoke him. He deserves it! Since the last time that we spoke, I have tried to keep quiet. I am trying to not push buttons, I am trying to help myself in hopes that maybe I can help him and save our marriage. It sounds like he doesn't want to, but maybe it's just the alcohol talking?

LaTeeDa

Just as the alcoholic must get sober for himself, you must help yourself for you, not him. He will do what he will do. You cannot control another person's choices. You can only control your own.

L

vegibean

I think I'd let him have a divorce. He had YOUR cell phone and let you have it until the next day? What the heck is that girl? I'm a very GRATEFUL divorced woman who tolerated way too much from a man who was incredibly self-centered and selfish. I totally lost myself in that mess of a marriage.

Good luck with all of that. :ghug

jennygirl73

One hour I think that divorce is for the best. I look for places to move to, and then it hits me and the last thing in the world that I want is a divorce! I'm just so wishy-washy, and I know that it's because I have been living my life according to HIS terms. It's all so fresh, and my self-confidence is... well, non-existent. I get mad, then sad, then mad, then sad. How can he just not care anymore? How come he isn't willing to put in ANY effort? How did I let things get this far?

Still Waters

Don't you just wish you could kick his addiction up one side of the street and down another?

When you're ready, you'll do what you think is best jennygirl, and only you know what that is.

brundle

Jenny I think part of living with this "disease" is that it not only traps the addict it traps us (and messes with our head) as well or this would all be so much easier.

Every day I want out; yet every day I'm here one more day... I keep thinking what the heck... I mean really what the heck?!