I feel like i am being left behind in his recovery...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Seattle
Posts: 1
I feel like i am being left behind in his recovery...
soo, my boyfriend has about 7 weeks sobriety and I am very proud of him. however, in his recovery he is learning about himself and to live each day sober. I KNOW this is his journey and all I can do is support him, but I wanna cry for a minute.. WHAT ABOUT ME!!! he tells me that recovery is the most important thing in his life.. he goes to 2 (sometimes more) AA meetings a day, is already wanting to sponsor others?? He needs space he says, he has nothing to offer me at this point... Shouldnt I be the one to decide what I am willing to tolerate. He promises a wonderful life, marriage, babies but only once he figures himself out. I realize all this has to happen for him, but what do I do.. wait? For how long? I love him, I want to support him in his recovery, but I am afraid he is trying to protect me by making decisions regarding our relationship by himself, I am a big girl and have been through much, much worse than this, I just dont know what to do. Sometimes I cry, other times I say "Whatever" .... I want this to work! There is a wonderful man burried under that addiction and I want to be with him!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
How can you take care of yourself?
What will that look like?
Can you attend Alanon meetings?
My experience is that we had to "grow together" and if we didn't we "grew apart" now for me, that meant learning how to take care of myself, as "they" learn how to take care of themselves.
I had to learn how to put the focus back on me.
Welcome.
The stickies are helpful both here and in the "relationships and parenting section"
"The Girls" will be along shortly.
What will that look like?
Can you attend Alanon meetings?
My experience is that we had to "grow together" and if we didn't we "grew apart" now for me, that meant learning how to take care of myself, as "they" learn how to take care of themselves.
I had to learn how to put the focus back on me.
Welcome.
The stickies are helpful both here and in the "relationships and parenting section"
"The Girls" will be along shortly.
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,698
Welcome to the forum!
Recovery is an inherently selfish process that, given sufficient time and motivation, can result in amazingly giving, loving behaviors.
People don't get to the amazing part overnight. And every man that I've known has come as a whole package - take it or leave it.
If what he is, as he is, isn't enough for you, that's okay. You certainly wouldn't be the first person to say, "Two meetings a day? Everyday? With coffee and discussions afterward? Nope. Not gonna work for me, bub."
It sucks to feel left behind. What could you do to feel like you're moving forward, as well?
AlAnon helps me. So does participating here, spending time with my friends, and pursuing hobbies that I love.
Good luck to you - I'm glad that you're here.
-TC
Recovery is an inherently selfish process that, given sufficient time and motivation, can result in amazingly giving, loving behaviors.
People don't get to the amazing part overnight. And every man that I've known has come as a whole package - take it or leave it.
If what he is, as he is, isn't enough for you, that's okay. You certainly wouldn't be the first person to say, "Two meetings a day? Everyday? With coffee and discussions afterward? Nope. Not gonna work for me, bub."
It sucks to feel left behind. What could you do to feel like you're moving forward, as well?
AlAnon helps me. So does participating here, spending time with my friends, and pursuing hobbies that I love.
Good luck to you - I'm glad that you're here.
-TC
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
beckflor,
Welcome to SR! You have come to the right place. It sounds like your boyfriend is throwing himself into recovery, which is a good thing! And as a recovering alcoholic myself, I will tell you that it will not always be this all consuming. He is finding his way right now and has a little pink cloud going on. I say this because at 7 weeks sober he can give back to others but he is no way ready to sponsor others. He will find his way and it will come in waves. We are taught that recovery comes first because without recovery we will have nothing else. But there has to be balance eventually and it is tough. I am a full time employee, full time wife and mother and I work my recovery program to the best of my ability. Today I have a little balance. I try to make sure that I do not neglect my family in receovery. I was emotionally absent in my disease, I do not want to be that in recovery. So I juggle.
So enough of my rambling. I think that you need to focus on you, your life and what you want out of life. I do feel that if you plan on staying with your boyfirend that you find your own receovery as well. Al-Anon is a great great place to start. You have your own healing and grwoth to do. Focus on that and time will tell if you two can do this together. Relax, it has only been 7 weeks, time will tell.
Welcome to SR! You have come to the right place. It sounds like your boyfriend is throwing himself into recovery, which is a good thing! And as a recovering alcoholic myself, I will tell you that it will not always be this all consuming. He is finding his way right now and has a little pink cloud going on. I say this because at 7 weeks sober he can give back to others but he is no way ready to sponsor others. He will find his way and it will come in waves. We are taught that recovery comes first because without recovery we will have nothing else. But there has to be balance eventually and it is tough. I am a full time employee, full time wife and mother and I work my recovery program to the best of my ability. Today I have a little balance. I try to make sure that I do not neglect my family in receovery. I was emotionally absent in my disease, I do not want to be that in recovery. So I juggle.
So enough of my rambling. I think that you need to focus on you, your life and what you want out of life. I do feel that if you plan on staying with your boyfirend that you find your own receovery as well. Al-Anon is a great great place to start. You have your own healing and grwoth to do. Focus on that and time will tell if you two can do this together. Relax, it has only been 7 weeks, time will tell.
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