Having a bad day. Just want him to come home.
Can't make sense out of crazy.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: In the Bluegrass, Baby!
Posts: 211
Having a bad day. Just want him to come home.
All I can think about is how much I miss him.
and I KNOW that is SICK.
After all has been said and done. We are moving closer to divorce and I just want to wave my little white surrender flag and tell him to come home and we will "work on things," we'll work it out.
But he has no intentions of working on anything that involves any type of healthy change. Because he LIKES the way he is, he LIKES himself, he is a good guy, a hard worker, would give anyone the shirt off his back......you see, these good qualities justify the drinking and all that go along with that. He works hard, is basically a real good guy, so why cant he drink a six pack everynight after work if he wants to? Why can't I just live with that? Why can't I live with him spending some of the weekend drinking at his buddies?If he's paying the bills and helping out around the house, doing everything else I ask/need?
Maybe I've been too demanding. Maybe we could come to a middle of the road agreement on the issues. Maybe, maybe, maybe.
And then again, maybe not, I know.
I think its very difficult when the A is a "functioning" A. It makes the bad parts more blurred, harder to define.
He was not a loud, mean, abusive drunk. Sometimes I wish he had been, it would have made it that much easier to be away from him.
I just want my damn husband back, I want my life back, (when things were good), I dont want this single mom-lonely-stuggling-every-single-second-with-everything-life. I know I can do it, but dammit, I don't want to!
Today I am SCARED and ANGRY and SAD and BETRAYED and FRUSTRATED.
and I KNOW that is SICK.
After all has been said and done. We are moving closer to divorce and I just want to wave my little white surrender flag and tell him to come home and we will "work on things," we'll work it out.
But he has no intentions of working on anything that involves any type of healthy change. Because he LIKES the way he is, he LIKES himself, he is a good guy, a hard worker, would give anyone the shirt off his back......you see, these good qualities justify the drinking and all that go along with that. He works hard, is basically a real good guy, so why cant he drink a six pack everynight after work if he wants to? Why can't I just live with that? Why can't I live with him spending some of the weekend drinking at his buddies?If he's paying the bills and helping out around the house, doing everything else I ask/need?
Maybe I've been too demanding. Maybe we could come to a middle of the road agreement on the issues. Maybe, maybe, maybe.
And then again, maybe not, I know.
I think its very difficult when the A is a "functioning" A. It makes the bad parts more blurred, harder to define.
He was not a loud, mean, abusive drunk. Sometimes I wish he had been, it would have made it that much easier to be away from him.
I just want my damn husband back, I want my life back, (when things were good), I dont want this single mom-lonely-stuggling-every-single-second-with-everything-life. I know I can do it, but dammit, I don't want to!
Today I am SCARED and ANGRY and SAD and BETRAYED and FRUSTRATED.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
I know I had days when I just wanted things back to "normal" even though I knew what I had wasn't truly normal or healthy.
My xAH wasn't abusive, is a good man underneath his alcoholism. To those outside, it wasn't that bad. But for me, it was intolerable. I could not remain with a man deep in denial, who refused to work, who spent his days drinking and little else. I didn't want to give up on the marriage I had hoped would last til I died. But I had to, for my own well being and for the well being of my sons.
Yes, you are in a place you would rather not be. No one expects to become a single parent with all the challenges that involves. But it can be a very empowering life for you. Not easy but well worth it.
You are going to have days when you want to go back simply because where you are is difficult and escaping to the familiar sounds safe in our heads. But where you were was difficult too. And soul numbing. And unhealthy for you and your daughter. Accept that you will have days like this but also know that those days will become fewer and less often as you move to a healthier you.
My xAH wasn't abusive, is a good man underneath his alcoholism. To those outside, it wasn't that bad. But for me, it was intolerable. I could not remain with a man deep in denial, who refused to work, who spent his days drinking and little else. I didn't want to give up on the marriage I had hoped would last til I died. But I had to, for my own well being and for the well being of my sons.
Yes, you are in a place you would rather not be. No one expects to become a single parent with all the challenges that involves. But it can be a very empowering life for you. Not easy but well worth it.
You are going to have days when you want to go back simply because where you are is difficult and escaping to the familiar sounds safe in our heads. But where you were was difficult too. And soul numbing. And unhealthy for you and your daughter. Accept that you will have days like this but also know that those days will become fewer and less often as you move to a healthier you.
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,697
Originally Posted by strongerwoman 
I just want my damn husband back, I want my life back, (when things were good), I dont want this single mom-lonely-stuggling-every-single-second-with-everything-life. I know I can do it, but dammit, I don't want to!
Things were good in my marriage for a long time. My relationship was full of love and sharing and peace. Then it wasn't.
Try as I might, I couldn't bring about a revival of those early days, and that inability frustrated and upset me to no end.
Acceptance was difficult.
It was so hard to say "This is my life today. This is what I have." without bucking and screaming against how unfair the whole process was.
I think some thrashing about is pretty normal.
After I got that out of my system, I decided that the only way for me to move forward through the pain was to see the end of my "happily ever after" fantasy as an opportunity, an adventure.
Who knows what the future holds?
Not me. But I believe that, by focusing on the present, accepting life as it is and practicing gratitude for the beauty that is here, even in the darkest of days, I move toward a future of joy.
Keep your chin up, SW.
I'm rooting for you!
-TC
When Pigs Fly
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: california
Posts: 894
Man have I been here! My ex is a wounderful man and father underneath his drinking as well .I too wanted so much for him to come home, just for him to say it once" I want to come home" then he did and I said No. It was painfull for me, sometimes I still wish he would come back to me and it has been almost 3 years. But when I think really think about it, I would never be able to live without that trust. The thought of walking on egg shells makes me sick. The truth is, is that I'm lonely not having a mate of my own makes me sad, but then again dating someone scares the crap out of me!
You will have these days, what I do when I get them is call a friend and find something to keep me busy.
Good luck and know that this feeling today can and will go away
Kermmie
P.S. sometimes I would just cry and take a nap, I always felt better after a good cry!
You will have these days, what I do when I get them is call a friend and find something to keep me busy.
Good luck and know that this feeling today can and will go away
Kermmie
P.S. sometimes I would just cry and take a nap, I always felt better after a good cry!
AKA 'grewupinabarn'
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 471
SW,
From the perspective of a child of alcoholics, I would have preferred to grow up as a child of divorce. I would have been thrilled to see my mother stand up for herself.
A few possibilities:
1) You accept him the way he is. Can you live in this kind of marriage for another 10, 20, years??
2) He may get better. That is his choice entirely. ENTIRELY.
3) The addiction may get worse. I don't have any statistics on how many 'problem' drinkers (whatever that is) descend into abuse, neglect, loss of job, ect. but if I pegged it at a 1 in 10 chance of worsening, would you stay?
I don't like to advocate divorce at all. But I would not wish an alcoholic childhood on anyone. It affects their adult lives, adult relationships, and how they raise their own children (even if they never drink).
What bizarre logic says it is not OK to drink at work but perfectly OK to drink around the person you expect to live with forever and your children?
From the perspective of a child of alcoholics, I would have preferred to grow up as a child of divorce. I would have been thrilled to see my mother stand up for herself.
A few possibilities:
1) You accept him the way he is. Can you live in this kind of marriage for another 10, 20, years??
2) He may get better. That is his choice entirely. ENTIRELY.
3) The addiction may get worse. I don't have any statistics on how many 'problem' drinkers (whatever that is) descend into abuse, neglect, loss of job, ect. but if I pegged it at a 1 in 10 chance of worsening, would you stay?
I don't like to advocate divorce at all. But I would not wish an alcoholic childhood on anyone. It affects their adult lives, adult relationships, and how they raise their own children (even if they never drink).
What bizarre logic says it is not OK to drink at work but perfectly OK to drink around the person you expect to live with forever and your children?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 209
Originally Posted by strongerwoman
He was not a loud, mean, abusive drunk. Sometimes I wish he had been, it would have made it that much easier to be away from him.
In the beginning my STBXAH was not this way either. However, as time went on he did become that person. The drunk who screamed at you for no reason, the name calling drunk, and the drunk who choked me and dragged me around by my hair. And do you know what...it STILL wasn't any easier for me to be away from him. I was sick too.
I don't miss any of that. I do miss the person I married, the person who used to tell me how much he loved me, the person who never would have raised a hand to me. I no longer have that person. I don't know if he exists any more.
I do know I am better off without him. I do know that being a single parent is hard as heck. I do know that I get lonely sometimes and miss having a companion. And I do know that my HP is lloking out for me and there is something better for me out there.
It's frustrating I know. However, we will all get through this, slowly but surely!
Sue
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: florida
Posts: 269
i know how you feel, i used to scream how i just wanted my life back, i hated all these changes and things i had to do, once i would have given anything to go back to my "normal" life, but now i found that my life has shifted and my "normal" no longer includes him, the life we had is getting to be a more and more distance memory
im sorry your feeling down
im sorry your feeling down
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
((((((strongerwoman))))))
damn, your post just brought stinging tears to my eyes.
honey, i've been there. i soon learned that alcoholism is progressive. it doesn't get any better. it only gets worse. this is how my xah began. over the years, he turned into someone that looked and acted like a monster.
i soon wearied of spending the evenings with a drunken man. he was there, but i was still alone. this is only how it was for me.
honey, i hope things work out for you.....and your hubs.
i pray for recovery for your husband and that you will find peace.
jeri
damn, your post just brought stinging tears to my eyes.
honey, i've been there. i soon learned that alcoholism is progressive. it doesn't get any better. it only gets worse. this is how my xah began. over the years, he turned into someone that looked and acted like a monster.
i soon wearied of spending the evenings with a drunken man. he was there, but i was still alone. this is only how it was for me.
honey, i hope things work out for you.....and your hubs.
i pray for recovery for your husband and that you will find peace.
jeri
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Tar Heel Country
Posts: 86
SW,
OMG...I just realized that I haven't said in a long time, "I just want my life back." But I used to say it all the time. Every day. Every single day.
When I read your post, my heart fell and jumped and went out to you. It fell because I remember the pain of the change and the exhaustion from juggling stuff that two people used to carry. It jumped because I realized I (now) don't think about wanting that life back. (I cannot believe I just said that!) And it went out to you because I am so sorry you are struggling.
I didn't know that it was even possible to rebuild. I certainly didn't know it was possible to rebuild a life that was *better* than the old one. Most importantly, now my "new" life is the "familiar" one and the old life feels like it's more "memory".
Funny how time, work, faith, stamina and God come together!!
Hang in there while this time moves forward. I'm not sure if this makes sense, but you are healing yourself by just letting time carry you forward. Then when you have the energy to dig into some work, do it. But when you don't, even sitting still is healing.
Big Hug from N.C.
TH
OMG...I just realized that I haven't said in a long time, "I just want my life back." But I used to say it all the time. Every day. Every single day.
When I read your post, my heart fell and jumped and went out to you. It fell because I remember the pain of the change and the exhaustion from juggling stuff that two people used to carry. It jumped because I realized I (now) don't think about wanting that life back. (I cannot believe I just said that!) And it went out to you because I am so sorry you are struggling.
I didn't know that it was even possible to rebuild. I certainly didn't know it was possible to rebuild a life that was *better* than the old one. Most importantly, now my "new" life is the "familiar" one and the old life feels like it's more "memory".
Funny how time, work, faith, stamina and God come together!!
Hang in there while this time moves forward. I'm not sure if this makes sense, but you are healing yourself by just letting time carry you forward. Then when you have the energy to dig into some work, do it. But when you don't, even sitting still is healing.
Big Hug from N.C.
TH
Can't make sense out of crazy.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: In the Bluegrass, Baby!
Posts: 211
Thanks everyone for the wise and caring words, as usual.
I just am not feeling strong at all today....PMS too, maybe that has something to do with it coupled with holiday depression, cold and dark weather, ect......
It is still a one step forward, two steps back kind of thing for me. When I think I'm making a bunch of progress and getting closer to really finally letting go and moving on, its like an anxiety attack hits me, I get this overwhelming feeling and my insides just scream "noooooooooooooooooooooooo..........this is just a bad dream, this isn't really happening!"
But it IS happening, like it or not. And this codependent, certified control freak doesn't like any of it one bit.
I'm just feeling really weak today/tonight. If he walked through the door, I'd let him stay the night. And hate myself in the morning.
Luckily in an email two days ago he told me he was done with me. So, perhaps he'll stay gone as much as possible.
(HE was done with ME........ Ha!)
Anyhow, thanks for listening, feels good just to type this all out.
I just am not feeling strong at all today....PMS too, maybe that has something to do with it coupled with holiday depression, cold and dark weather, ect......
It is still a one step forward, two steps back kind of thing for me. When I think I'm making a bunch of progress and getting closer to really finally letting go and moving on, its like an anxiety attack hits me, I get this overwhelming feeling and my insides just scream "noooooooooooooooooooooooo..........this is just a bad dream, this isn't really happening!"
But it IS happening, like it or not. And this codependent, certified control freak doesn't like any of it one bit.
I'm just feeling really weak today/tonight. If he walked through the door, I'd let him stay the night. And hate myself in the morning.
Luckily in an email two days ago he told me he was done with me. So, perhaps he'll stay gone as much as possible.
(HE was done with ME........ Ha!)
Anyhow, thanks for listening, feels good just to type this all out.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Sometimes I feel lonely because I don't have a man in my life. But I remind myself that I never felt more lonely than I did when Richard was at my side in the throes of alcoholism.
There is nothing more lonely than having a partner who checks out of life 24/7. Nothing.
There is nothing more lonely than having a partner who checks out of life 24/7. Nothing.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
keep in mind that the holidays tends to intensify these feelings.
course, i can't remember one single time in the past 15 years that a holiday wasn't absolutely colored with the colors of insanity!!!! ha
the best thanksgiving i remember was here on the forum....about 2 or 3 years ago.....we all had a warm, fuzzy, glowing, feeling going on with each other. we all spent a whole lot of time on the forum supporting each other. it was real good.
course, i can't remember one single time in the past 15 years that a holiday wasn't absolutely colored with the colors of insanity!!!! ha
the best thanksgiving i remember was here on the forum....about 2 or 3 years ago.....we all had a warm, fuzzy, glowing, feeling going on with each other. we all spent a whole lot of time on the forum supporting each other. it was real good.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 92
I can relate to your disbelief in the whole situation, Strongerwoman. I also wake up sometimes and feel like it's just a bad dream and it can't possibly be happening to me. If my guy walked through the door, I'd be very afraid of what I would do or not do. I would probably let him stay also and then regret it. But sometimes I think like that because I just want this pain and frustration to be over with. Somehow I still think his coming back could make it better.
But that's just how we're feeling for now. It will pass. The holidays, the email you just received from him, the darkness and PMS......all plays a part in feeding into our loneliness.
I agree with FormerDoormat in that I've never felt more lonely than I was with my XAH and he was in the other room drinking his face off. I did everything alone and spent all my energy wanting him to be so completely different than what he was.
I had the same reaction as you when he told me several times that it was over and I should move on. I was the one that asked hiim to leave and yet he was talking to me in such an arrogant way like he was making it over. I try to remind myself that when I told him I hadn't wanted it to end, but it was because of the alcohol that I couldn't take it anymore, he said, "Well, I'm still drinking. Nothing has changed." So if I can't believe those words, especially when he's saying them, then I'll never believe them.
Just hang in there because I think alot of the blues has to do with the holidays and probably hearing from him didn't help either. It's like they want to step on you one more time and just grind you into the pavement with their words. They need to have the last word. It makes them feel in control because they are so out of control in their lives.
Just be gentle with yourself and the pain will diminish slowly and with the support of others.
But that's just how we're feeling for now. It will pass. The holidays, the email you just received from him, the darkness and PMS......all plays a part in feeding into our loneliness.
I agree with FormerDoormat in that I've never felt more lonely than I was with my XAH and he was in the other room drinking his face off. I did everything alone and spent all my energy wanting him to be so completely different than what he was.
I had the same reaction as you when he told me several times that it was over and I should move on. I was the one that asked hiim to leave and yet he was talking to me in such an arrogant way like he was making it over. I try to remind myself that when I told him I hadn't wanted it to end, but it was because of the alcohol that I couldn't take it anymore, he said, "Well, I'm still drinking. Nothing has changed." So if I can't believe those words, especially when he's saying them, then I'll never believe them.
Just hang in there because I think alot of the blues has to do with the holidays and probably hearing from him didn't help either. It's like they want to step on you one more time and just grind you into the pavement with their words. They need to have the last word. It makes them feel in control because they are so out of control in their lives.
Just be gentle with yourself and the pain will diminish slowly and with the support of others.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: boston
Posts: 8
miss him when he is here
someone said" All I can think about is how much I miss him.
After all has been said and done. We are moving closer to divorce and I just want to wave my little white surrender flag and tell him we will "work on things," we'll work it out."
I feel like that too, even when he IS home. Because he simply isn't the person he was anymore. At least not often.
Possibly the worst part is the halfway point that shows up rarely, but just often enough to keep me hooked. That point when he has lost his inhibitions, and becomes for a moment the "in the moment", attentive, romantic, fun man that I fell in love with.
The problem is that that only comes rarely, and it is on the way to black out belligerent drunk. but it's enough to make me miss him all the more. God do I miss him.
But most of the time, itI miss him even when he's sitting in the same room.
After all has been said and done. We are moving closer to divorce and I just want to wave my little white surrender flag and tell him we will "work on things," we'll work it out."
I feel like that too, even when he IS home. Because he simply isn't the person he was anymore. At least not often.
Possibly the worst part is the halfway point that shows up rarely, but just often enough to keep me hooked. That point when he has lost his inhibitions, and becomes for a moment the "in the moment", attentive, romantic, fun man that I fell in love with.
The problem is that that only comes rarely, and it is on the way to black out belligerent drunk. but it's enough to make me miss him all the more. God do I miss him.
But most of the time, itI miss him even when he's sitting in the same room.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: California
Posts: 239
Stronger,
I had a tough one too. My AW is headed to a sober living home and I actually felt bad for her....it is sad to see what this disease does to the A's and their families. She was still not physically strong due to the detox and was shaking and in tears as she packed up her stuff with her Mom and stepdad.
Sad...
I had a tough one too. My AW is headed to a sober living home and I actually felt bad for her....it is sad to see what this disease does to the A's and their families. She was still not physically strong due to the detox and was shaking and in tears as she packed up her stuff with her Mom and stepdad.
Sad...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
(((Strongerwoman))) I so needed your thread today. I have felt some of the same things you've been feeling. Thank God feelings are not permanent! I'm also grateful for my journals- I read through them and remember how bad it was and still is. Nostalgia should stay where it is- in the past!!! I'm grateful for people like you who are not afraid to admit how you feel. It's been almost a year and a half since my STBXAH left and I STILL feel so down sometimes. I figured out this morning that a lot of it has to do with my obsessing about him. I have to find a way to focus on myself- what I have, what I'm grateful for. I know it's hard, but if I look back I know I am much better off without his chaos. Maybe like you said, it's the holidays, the weather, PMS, etc. And- it's hard. It's just dang hard to let go of a dream, of someone you thought you would be with forever. Making a new life is exciting and scary- but think of the possibilities! And FD said something I agree with- I have never been more lonely than when I was living with my STBXAH. I have more meaningful conversations with complete strangers. . . Hang on- you have so much support here!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
