What I've Become
Perfectly Imperfect
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: H
Posts: 129
What I've Become
It's been a while since I've been on. For all of you who don't know my story, here it is in short. I've always been an honest, good and decent person. One of those good girls who never did drugs and didn't really drink except the occassional social event. About 7 months ago, I fell in love with a man who I later found out was addicted to pain killers. He is on a program that uses suboxone to recover however, he abuses that as well.
A few months ago, I was so entangled in what he was doing, where he was and if he was going to kill himself. One night, I fell hard. I slit my wrists and wound up in the pshych ward. I loved him so much and I couldn't imagine my life without him. I was so depressed from thinking he was going to kill himself that I ended up losing myself in him. I was becoming a horrible mom and didn't really like myself. I got help.
We moved in together and everything seemed to be going fine. Now, the worst has happened.
I was an enabler, as much as I hated to admit it. In one of my enabling events, my world turned upside down. Now, instead of an enabler, I am writing to you as an addict. A cocaine addict.
We have spent so much money. We have so much to lose. I don't know what to do. I can't go into rehab because I will lose my job and with the economy the way it is, I definitely wouldn't be getting another one anytime soon. It has not gotten to the point where I steal or sell my stuff but if I keep going, I'm sure it would.
I love cocaine. I love the way I feel when I do it. But I also hate cocaine. I hate the way it takes all of our money. I hate the way I'm an addict instead of the mother I should be. I hate the way it separates him and I because we are each so busy doing stuff that we end up not spending time with each other. And mostly, I hate the guilt and depression that follow. I swear I'll never touch it again and then a couple days later, we are back at it. I don't know what to do.
Advice would be good right now. I'm sure you are all shaking your head wondering how I could be so stupid. I deserve that.
A few months ago, I was so entangled in what he was doing, where he was and if he was going to kill himself. One night, I fell hard. I slit my wrists and wound up in the pshych ward. I loved him so much and I couldn't imagine my life without him. I was so depressed from thinking he was going to kill himself that I ended up losing myself in him. I was becoming a horrible mom and didn't really like myself. I got help.
We moved in together and everything seemed to be going fine. Now, the worst has happened.
I was an enabler, as much as I hated to admit it. In one of my enabling events, my world turned upside down. Now, instead of an enabler, I am writing to you as an addict. A cocaine addict.
We have spent so much money. We have so much to lose. I don't know what to do. I can't go into rehab because I will lose my job and with the economy the way it is, I definitely wouldn't be getting another one anytime soon. It has not gotten to the point where I steal or sell my stuff but if I keep going, I'm sure it would.
I love cocaine. I love the way I feel when I do it. But I also hate cocaine. I hate the way it takes all of our money. I hate the way I'm an addict instead of the mother I should be. I hate the way it separates him and I because we are each so busy doing stuff that we end up not spending time with each other. And mostly, I hate the guilt and depression that follow. I swear I'll never touch it again and then a couple days later, we are back at it. I don't know what to do.
Advice would be good right now. I'm sure you are all shaking your head wondering how I could be so stupid. I deserve that.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
It took alot to post that. I can say that only you have the choice to either stop or continue. I wish you luck. Use this as a way to find recovery for yourself.
Not sure that this will make you feel better but for someone who may be lurking here and see your post they can have understanding of what "could" happen if they continued to stay involved with their addict.
I appreciate your post and hope that you will seek help. Know that this helped someone else today.
Not sure that this will make you feel better but for someone who may be lurking here and see your post they can have understanding of what "could" happen if they continued to stay involved with their addict.
I appreciate your post and hope that you will seek help. Know that this helped someone else today.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
i am so sorry you have chosen this way. you know the way back if you want it. it is about choices. you need to take care of yourself & not worry about anybody or any thing but getting your life back. i am not judgeing you. i would never do that. you know the road. i hope you choose the right one. i feel so sorry for you. my prayers are with you all the way.PLEASE COME BACK TO US. we are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: hangin on usa
Posts: 42
Please get help now. You are a Mom, the most important job in the world. You have a choice, don't be swallowed by this monster. No addict is worth your life and your children's future. Get help from the groups you must have looked into for your BF. Prayers for you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Sounds like a double whammy to me. An addict in love with an addict.
Been there, done that, and got that t-shirt. I'm blessed to be alive today.
Rehab saved my life and gave me the tools to start my life fresh.
You say you can't afford to lose your job, so rehab is out.
That job will eventually go in active addiction, guaranteed.
Been there, done that, and got that t-shirt. I'm blessed to be alive today.
Rehab saved my life and gave me the tools to start my life fresh.
You say you can't afford to lose your job, so rehab is out.
That job will eventually go in active addiction, guaranteed.
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
I'm so sorry you are going through this...
I too cannot judge because I know that I have a very addictive personality and if I started drinking and drugging I would be in the same shoes you are in yourself...
Rehabs are costly and sometimes they are not an option.. I know this because my insurance will not pay for my AH to do an inpatiant stay and whether the rehab cost 30k or 10k.. we simply do not have the money... however there are other options... Have you checked out a detox program.. usually insurance will cover those and the stay is just a few days..
If nothing else get yourself to an NA or AA meeting TODAY...
Keep posting
I too cannot judge because I know that I have a very addictive personality and if I started drinking and drugging I would be in the same shoes you are in yourself...
Rehabs are costly and sometimes they are not an option.. I know this because my insurance will not pay for my AH to do an inpatiant stay and whether the rehab cost 30k or 10k.. we simply do not have the money... however there are other options... Have you checked out a detox program.. usually insurance will cover those and the stay is just a few days..
If nothing else get yourself to an NA or AA meeting TODAY...
Keep posting
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Your post tells me that you are crying out for help. Please, get it now. This is a path to destruction and you know it. You are the only one to save yourself now. Times can be tough, depressing and sad but ask yourself is this man worth your pain.. You have said what this has become, and you hate it, be strong enough to turn this around. Your life is about you, not the happiness you think he & the drug brings you. Take a good look at what it has brought to you so far in this short period of time. You have the rest of your life. You say you will loose your job if you go to rehab, what do you think is going to happen if you dont get help. You will end up loosing everything. You cant afford the drugs either, whats going to be more costly in the end? Not just money, but your childs well being too.
Be brave enough to be the woman you really are as you said in your first sentence. There are other ways to deal with things and ask yourself why you did this in the first place if you have never had drugs. Address it now.
Im being blunt because you sound like an intelligent woman. Please get help.
JJ
Be brave enough to be the woman you really are as you said in your first sentence. There are other ways to deal with things and ask yourself why you did this in the first place if you have never had drugs. Address it now.
Im being blunt because you sound like an intelligent woman. Please get help.
JJ
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Sweetie, you are not the first to take the path of "if you can't lick 'em, join 'em" Sadly, that path leads to addiction hell and you may not be there yet, but you can be sure that unless you put on the brakes and turn around, you will be in a darker place then you ever imagined.
How bad does it have to get? You will surely lose your job and your right to be a mother, maybe not right away but sooner than you think. Would you want your child raised by two active addicts?
I say all this with love in my heart, as harsh as it may sound. My heart and prayers go out for you and I think you have already taken a big step just coming here and reaching out.
Please take the next step and find help where you live. Go to an NA or AA meeting and reach out to others who can be there for you. You can get through this, but only if you are willing to try. Please try before it is too late.
Hugs and prayers
I can't go into rehab because I will lose my job and with the economy the way it is, I definitely wouldn't be getting another one anytime soon. It has not gotten to the point where I steal or sell my stuff but if I keep going, I'm sure it would.
I say all this with love in my heart, as harsh as it may sound. My heart and prayers go out for you and I think you have already taken a big step just coming here and reaching out.
Please take the next step and find help where you live. Go to an NA or AA meeting and reach out to others who can be there for you. You can get through this, but only if you are willing to try. Please try before it is too late.
Hugs and prayers
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Cocaine - you don't "love" it. That's the drug talking. You are addicted to it. It's trying to destroy you and steal your children. Get help. You can't get off cocaine alone. Make a choice, your babies or your dope. Its your call...
I remember once, I said, but I don't steal, I'm not a prostitute yet.... I still work... I'm not like them. What a joke. I was just like them. I was a cocaine addict. I cared more about my drugs than anything in the world. The first thing I did to get better was start reading and posting on recovery boards. I started listening to what people were telling me. I went to NA meetings to learn more. I got help. I have 3 years clean now. And I'm SO MUCH HAPPIER without that sh!t in my life. I learned I didn't need drugs. They were a lie.
Have you ever read this? It's true.
I remember once, I said, but I don't steal, I'm not a prostitute yet.... I still work... I'm not like them. What a joke. I was just like them. I was a cocaine addict. I cared more about my drugs than anything in the world. The first thing I did to get better was start reading and posting on recovery boards. I started listening to what people were telling me. I went to NA meetings to learn more. I got help. I have 3 years clean now. And I'm SO MUCH HAPPIER without that sh!t in my life. I learned I didn't need drugs. They were a lie.
Have you ever read this? It's true.
My name is Cocaine - call me Coke for short.
I entered this country without a passport.
Ever since then I've made lots of scum rich.
Some have been murdered and found in a ditch.
I'm more valued than diamonds, more treasured than gold.
Use me just once and you too will be sold.
I'll make a schoolboy forget his books.
I'll make a beauty queen forget her looks.
I'll take renowned speaker and make a bore.
I'll take a mother and make her a *****.
I'll make a schoolteacher forget how to teach.
I'll make a preacher not want to preach.
I'll take all your rent money and you'll get evicted.
I'll murder your babies or they'll be born addicted.
I'll make you rob and steal and kill.
When you're under my power you have no will.
Remember my friend my name is " Big C ".
If you try me just one time you may never be free.
I've destroyed actors, politicians and many a hero.
I've decreased bank accounts from millions to zero.
I make shooting and stabbing a common affair.
Once I take charge you won't have a prayer.
Now that you know me what will you do ?
You'll have to decide, It's all up to you.
The day you agree to sit in my saddle.
The decision is one that no one can straddle.
Listen to me, and please listen well.
When you ride with cocaine you are headed for hell !!!
I entered this country without a passport.
Ever since then I've made lots of scum rich.
Some have been murdered and found in a ditch.
I'm more valued than diamonds, more treasured than gold.
Use me just once and you too will be sold.
I'll make a schoolboy forget his books.
I'll make a beauty queen forget her looks.
I'll take renowned speaker and make a bore.
I'll take a mother and make her a *****.
I'll make a schoolteacher forget how to teach.
I'll make a preacher not want to preach.
I'll take all your rent money and you'll get evicted.
I'll murder your babies or they'll be born addicted.
I'll make you rob and steal and kill.
When you're under my power you have no will.
Remember my friend my name is " Big C ".
If you try me just one time you may never be free.
I've destroyed actors, politicians and many a hero.
I've decreased bank accounts from millions to zero.
I make shooting and stabbing a common affair.
Once I take charge you won't have a prayer.
Now that you know me what will you do ?
You'll have to decide, It's all up to you.
The day you agree to sit in my saddle.
The decision is one that no one can straddle.
Listen to me, and please listen well.
When you ride with cocaine you are headed for hell !!!
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