AS a no-show at holiday, i was relieved
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
AS a no-show at holiday, i was relieved
This Thanksgiving was a first in this journey with 22YO AS - he did not show for a holiday/family event even though 24 hours before he stopped by and said he would. But i have noticed, as time has gone by, that I am uncomfortable with the thoughts of being at the same event with him because it's painful for me to hold out hope yet see the reality of him. I, being the mom, notice things that others do not...
I feel like he is "dirty" or "oily" or something intangible - something on the inside that no one else would notice.
I sense his continuous anger/hostility/aggression toward life that no one else would notice
I expect there's a good chance he will push boundaries with me in the presence of other people
I did not call him to see why he did not come. Only 1 person asked about him. I just said, "I don't really know, but we'll go ahead and eat and there's plenty of food if he comes later."
I don't really know why he did not come, but when he stopped by 24 hours previous, he walked out with three specific things that I said or did that was the excuse he may have been looking for to be a no-show. And i'm angry that my son's brain has been kidnapped by Addiction which would do something like that.
I feel like he is "dirty" or "oily" or something intangible - something on the inside that no one else would notice.
I sense his continuous anger/hostility/aggression toward life that no one else would notice
I expect there's a good chance he will push boundaries with me in the presence of other people
I did not call him to see why he did not come. Only 1 person asked about him. I just said, "I don't really know, but we'll go ahead and eat and there's plenty of food if he comes later."
I don't really know why he did not come, but when he stopped by 24 hours previous, he walked out with three specific things that I said or did that was the excuse he may have been looking for to be a no-show. And i'm angry that my son's brain has been kidnapped by Addiction which would do something like that.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Hesperia
Posts: 3
I know exactly what you mean. My other two sons, ages 21 and 27 went with me to a family Thanksgiving, but the middle son, age 23, went to his drinking/drug buddy's house that has a family (his "buddy" is 39 years old!). I felt relieved when he said he wasn't coming and felt guilty about that, but had a good time without him bringing us all down. Sad but true.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
My son has had many no-shows before recovery.
He knew I would have scrutiny to see what condition he was in and didn't want to be confronted about it. He also felt no sense of identification with family due to addiction.
He held on to many resentments against me that give addiction justification in his mind.
Sometimes he could show up at his dad's house because his dad was in denial about addiction and actually enabled the behavior. They never discussed the situation at hand and talked sports and neutral territory.
But he hated that I looked at the size of his pupils or the amount he was drinking ea. time we got together.
Avoidance of me was much easier. At family gatherings the difference between my AS and his cousins of the same age is quite apparent. They matured and he did not.
I had to practice not taking it personally and make sure that I planned events to be
good enough without being dependent on his attendance.
It sounds like you are doing this as well.
We can only hope that they recover and so does their ability to have relationships.
In the meantime, we are lucky to be able to learn how to heal ourselves.
He knew I would have scrutiny to see what condition he was in and didn't want to be confronted about it. He also felt no sense of identification with family due to addiction.
He held on to many resentments against me that give addiction justification in his mind.
Sometimes he could show up at his dad's house because his dad was in denial about addiction and actually enabled the behavior. They never discussed the situation at hand and talked sports and neutral territory.
But he hated that I looked at the size of his pupils or the amount he was drinking ea. time we got together.
Avoidance of me was much easier. At family gatherings the difference between my AS and his cousins of the same age is quite apparent. They matured and he did not.
I had to practice not taking it personally and make sure that I planned events to be
good enough without being dependent on his attendance.
It sounds like you are doing this as well.
We can only hope that they recover and so does their ability to have relationships.
In the meantime, we are lucky to be able to learn how to heal ourselves.
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