rubycanoe

Hi,
I am trying to forgive family members for lies about me and to me and my husband for his treatment of me. I know if I hold onto this anger it will hurt me more and more. I am thinking that is what detachment is, not taking it personally, and still being able to get along but knowing you cannot trust this person/people in your life ever again? It is just so difficult. I try to give my will up to God everyday and follow the steps, and not hold onto the pain, but feel my feelings, grieve my losses, but still be able to be happy in this world, and forgiving, but not forgetting. It seems almost impossible to do , but I know many people whose lives have been ravaged by alcohol and drugs, and abuse, can overcome it all. Thanks in advice for how any one has gotten past the past. I am also struggling with my own sobriety, so right now it all seems too much.

splendra

As you forgive so shall you be forgiven.

There will people who want to forgive you but don't want to forget either. You might find that it holds you back a little to know that people don't want to forget....

The people that you do not want to forget what they have done to you may have forgotten what they did. Are you going to remind them of it? Do you want people to remind you of what you did? Is this forgiveness?

Barbara52

I have come to thnk there are 2 steps to this whole forgiveness thing. Step one is finding it your heart to forgive others for the harm they have done you. Not easy sometimes. Step two is reconcilation, where you work to rebuild a relationship. This step does not always take place. Sometimes the harm done kill a relationship.

I have forgiven my xAH but I have no urge to reconcile with him in any way whatsoever. I know that if I had any sort of relationship with him, it would only open old wounds and cause new ones. I can only care for him at a distance.

I'm only guessing since I have never had to struggle with it but if you are struggling with your own sobriety, that is where you need to concentrate your self. The rest can come with time and healing within if that is the road you want to travel.

ToughChoices

It helps me to remember that everyone has their own issues, their own baggage. Many people have not found a source of relief to the pain in their lives - they have no program, no hope, no steps.

Just as my alcoholic reaches for a drink whenever he is overwhelmed by life's struggles, my (non-addict) mother and sister reach for gossip and finger-pointing. Prior to recovery, I held on to self-righteous anger and judgment. I didn't know a better way out of it.

In my experience, most people are stumbling around in darkness, ruby. I was there for a long time, and I remember how hard it was to look at my own flaws - how much easier it was to point out the defects (real or imagined) in others.

Today, I'm trying to cultivate compassion for the people who are still there in the dark. Still hurting and grasping around for other people to blame.
It helps me let go of my hurt.

Letting of the hurt and anger does not mean that I invite those people to participate in my life or trust them with intimacies. Trust, once gone, is difficult to recover and requires a great deal of time. But, I find that I am able to "get along" in social situations without much difficulty.

I can be pleasant, polite, and kind without being trusting.
I can wish others the best, remembering that, in the past, they have not been able to treat me with same courtesy.

Best of luck, rubycanoe.

-TC

denny57

This is close for me. The last part was the trickiest - saying I "can never trust" someone again seemed so punitive to me. What I've found is I can trust in some areas, but not others. For example, with my mother, I can trust that she will treat me with respect. I can trust that we will have a good time when we make our trips to Italy. But I cannot trust her with my inner thoughts or vulnerabilities because history has taught me she will exploit them and turn them against me. So I share that part of me with those I can trust with that information.

Most people I can't trust I no longer have in my life. There are certain people - like my mother - that I want to keep in my life, so I work on accepting her for who she is. I do not look to her to be who she cannot.

justjo

Hi Ruby
I have a 'too hard basket' now. I spent way too much time trying to figure people out. I mean, how could anyone be so mean, selfish and hurtful to others. I didnt have that one in my dictionary.
I spent many years trying to work out why my family was, well, dysfunctional, I guess with addicts, liars, story tellers, abusers it kind of screwed around with my head. Its really only the last year or two that I started disguarding people in my life. Threw them in the 'too hard basket' as it wasnt worth the pain anymore. I dont see alot of my family these days and of course, its my fault but I dont care what they think as its easier for me to happy without them.
Sometimes I dont think its about forgiving, for me, its letting go of what I dont want in my life anymore. Its lonelier, but content.
I wish you the best
Jo

embraced2000

acceptance of others issues is what works with me.

i accept that my xah is sick. therefore i forgive him and pray for him. however, i don't want to ever forget that i cannot live his type of life....it is unhealthy for me.

i accept that people outside of the knowlege of addiction don't understand, so therefore i forgive them. but i will not forget not to share my feelings with them.

splendra

Of course it is always good to have good personal boundaries in place no matter who you are dealing with.

I would hate to not be able to admit that I did something that was less than good. I would hate to think that I did not need to be forgiven.

If I have good personal boundaries I do not need to remember much about the past.

Jazzman

I have forgiven because I'll go nuts if I don't, but I can't forget and that has me pondering.... as an example, for going on about two years now I have had no desire for another romantic relationship, no desire at all. That's my inability to forget going to the extreme.

LaTeeDa

I prefer to look at it as learning the lesson. It's easier to forgive if I can see what I learned from the experience. And that includes forgiving myself. If all of life is a learning experience, then there are no "mistakes," only lessons. Life is persistent enough to keep teaching the same lesson until I finally learn it, too.

L

denny57

Maybe you're listening to your inner voice and you're not ready. I discussed this with my therapist (what don't I discuss with her LOL) and she said pshaw, 3 years is a drop in the bucket at this age. What has been huge for me is being able to enjoy someone else's company. I'll take that for now. Plus, it's fun.