Susan67

My husband denies he is an alcoholic. He has 4 drunk drivings and no license to drive. When we married 3 years ago he was eligible to get it back, he didn't persue it. 4 months after we were married is when he got his 4th DUI. Spent some time in jail. I was going to do everything to make him better, show him what the love of a good woman meant and stand by his side. He sure fooled me. He paid off some guy at the place he was doing community service to lie for him, saying he was there putting in his time when actually he wasn't. He has to attend sobriety court for 11 months, he passed with flying colors and graduated. He didn't have to go to AA meetings anymore because the court wasn't making him go. He hasn't been to an AA meeting in over a year. Needless to say, he's drank a handful of times and has smoked weed too.
I asked him to move out and we are currently seperated. He calls all the time, wanting to come back but I just can't take care of him anymore. I am so tired of everything. I feel burned out. It's been 6 days, he told me he would give me 30 days to get my head clear. Yesterday he told me he doesn't want to put his life on hold. It's not fair that I can't accept him for who he is and he'll go find someone who will. I feel like I have put myself on the back burner for the past 3 years just for him. Needless to say, he called back and said he will wait for me and he just woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I'm thinking because he figured if he gets rid of me, he's out of the good life he had with me. But he's not thinking about what kind of life I've had with him. He's playing the guilt game, it didn't work on me this time.
I guess I don't have the courage to just tell him it's over and to come get all of his things.
I go to Alanon meetings and have a good system with my family and friends. That is what has been helping me through this difficult time. My faith in God has been incredibly strengthened through all of this too.
Is there anyone else out there going thru what I am? Any survivors of what I have been through?

jehnifer

Thank you for sharing. You are ceratainly going thourgh a lot right now...but to me you sound very strong and also very WISE. One suggestion is: Don't answer the phone when he calls. You really do need to break away and talking to him and listening to him is really only feeding it.

Best of luck to you!

Stubborn1

You sent him the wrong impression in my opinion by marrying him even after he had drinking issues. So if you want out then you should be up front. Don't allow him to play the guilt card on you. You KNOW the rest of your life will be this chaotic mess. 30 days isn't enough time for anything.
Alot of us have been through it.
I seperated 7 out of the 8 years being married to an active alcholic and now that he's home and sober he's still a miserable jackhole at times. So sometimes the grass still isn't greener. You go where YOU are happy. Let him sort out his own crap and if he does find a sucker who takes him for all his "glory" (yea right) then more power to her. Anyone who is stable wouldn't put up with his mess.
If you can get out without being bruised then girl.........RUN.
Glad you are here. Welcome to SR.

Barbara52

I know when I first left my AH, I had to refuse any contact at all with him to give myself time to begin to heal and to be able to think without the fog of the alcoholic drama. Take this time to figure out what you want from your life. If it involves him, figure out what your boundaries are goign to be and what you will do if those boundaries are violated. If it doesn't invovle him, plan for how you want to proceed to make the life for yourself that you want.

GiveLove

You're doing the right thing for yourself, Susan. It sounds like he's trying all the angles, trying to get you to enable his drinking again: the guilt, the "I'm moving on", the its-your-fault-you-don't-accept-me, gosh, we have heard them all. He'll move through them with you, trying first this one then that, until something works.

Or maybe you're really sick of being married to a helpless, irresponsible, dishonest man, and God is telling you that He means for something better for you. Maybe you've just made room for that something better -- you know God doesn't close one door without opening another.

You will know when it's time. For now, you're doing right by yourself, keeping the chaos and madness at a safe distance. Focus on YOU -- what do you love doing? What do you want to do & be with your life?

Hugs,
GL

MissFixit

Susan,

I am sorry for your situation. You are in a tough spot right now, but you also have the opportunity to make solid changes in your life to be the exact person you want to be and live the kind of life that will make you happy.

My exabf and I dated for 4 years. He too had 3 DUIs and has not had a license for several years. I told him that I would not get engaged to him until he maintained sobriety. He told me to wait on him and I did. He ended things 5 weeks ago via voicemail becasue he met someone, secretly dated her and then got engaged to her. The new fiance drives him to bars and gets drunk with him.

If they want to drink, they will drink no matter what the costs or what they say to you. It is very painful and confusing to not be able to trust the person you love, but that unfortunately is the nature of this disease. They care about the alcohol first and foremost. No matter who gets hurts or what the consequences might be.