HasherHusband

Maybe the typo was Freudian, I meant it to say Needs HELP

I have been reading every forum and website I can find trying to learn how other husbands handle an alcoholic wife.
I have been married to her for 30 years and love her more than life it's self. We have 4 children and 7 grandchildre. All of the children love Grammy so very much, and she does love them. My son and his 3 children are staying with us while he gets back on his feet after his spouse left them.

A few years ago (maybe 10) her 'mother' (choke) who is an alcoholic too, Got her started in a 'Running Club' referred to as Hashers. These are a bunch of sophmoric drunks who call themselves "Drinkers with a Running Problem".
She has spent a night in the drunk tank which cost us a fortune in legal fees and auto insurance. Her grandson found her sitting in her own feces passed out in the bath room. I could go on, but the story is that she will sober up for a couple of weeks then start sipping and within 2 weeks is drunk most of the time.
Sober she is the love of my life, when drinking - even a little, she becomes my worst nightmare.
I could leave but that would mean I was saving only myself. The grandchildren would still be in the house with her, and that is not good. She would never allow them to get hurt - unless she was drinking of course.

Where do I turn, If I leave the courts will give her everything, I could live with that, but I can not leave the children and do not have the resources to take them out of the home with me.

I am at wits end and have started to become extremely depressed. Recently I have been having thought of escaping that are scaring me, I am old and since I can not protect my family anymore, I feel quite worthless.

freeflower

Please, please change your thinking on this. You are know doubt, the stable factor in your home. Your grandkids know you are a safe place to fall. What is going on with your son? What does he think? Have you had any discussion with him or your aw? Maybe you should attend some alanon meetings so you could get some one on one advice from other people who are in your same perdicament. I know this cycle of living with an A is so tuff and tiring and sometimes it seems like nothing will ever change but you can change. Keep coming here and see about attending some alanon meetings and maybe even see your family doctor about your depression. I'm sure you are so loved by your family, they need grampa. Hugs and prayers and keep posting!!

jehnifer

Oh husband - I am so sorry for what you are going through. Don't have a lot of advice just support. If she is the problem then I think it's best that she be made to leave. Grand kids can still visit her - but making her leave protects you and the other family members and will perhaps be a wake up call to her. You can still love her...everyone can but she will more easily get to face herself this way.

BEst of luck to you.

Stubborn1

I agree with changing your thinking. You can do it. There are so many organizations to help if you have to take the children. You do not have to divorce (in my state anyway) to file for full custody and make her pay child support. The courts will see she is a hazard and you are protecting them by removing her out of the home.
It's called letting go with love.
You do not have to put up with any of her behavior. You can file for govt aide if need be. Sounds like she hasn't hit rock bottom because you've been there to bail her out. I used to do that to because my husband was the money maker and I had the three children. Somehow I managed without him for seven years. Those children need you despretley. You CAN help them. It only seems like a burden to bare. It may be tough but you can do it. Please keep coming back and welcome to SR

steve11694

I dint know that about them. I once joined a run and after there was a special van with a refrigeration system and keg of beer in the rear. No one got wasted' That was in Jakarta.
Now that u mention it, an alcoholic could very well be attracted to such a group.
It is scary to think about not being able to stop drinking. I have heard many "feces" stories.
Sorry

Barbara52

Welcome! I'm sorry you are in this situation but you will find a whole lot of people in here who are or have been in the same situation.

Try reading and learning as much as you can about alcoholism and its effects on your and all the other family memebers. Try consulting with an attorney to get the facts about what would happen if you decide to get separated or divorced. Lack of real information causes fear in my experience. Gaining information lets you act from a position of knowledge and strength.

HasherHusband

Thanks to all of you for the support. It was a very bad night and having this forum helped more that I expected.

I have been been sober for 25 years myself, but did it on my own, AA was not my bag of tea. I was able to get my wife to go to 2 meetings, but she refused to attend more. I have also tried to get her to consider other forms of support which she also refuses. Her drinking buddies (especially the Hashers) have her convinced that I am the problem and that my goal is to control her and keep her from having 'fun'.

I have also been working with an attorney. That is the reason for my concerns. Being male really makes a difference in todays litigious society. After 30 yrs of being the primary wage earner, she gets half of everything EXCEPT the debt and I would have to pay her alimony on top of it. So my fears are very real and founded about having the resources if we can not work through this and she knows it. In my attempt to keep a peaceful home, I have in fact enabled both her drinking and bullying. I use the 'poke the bear' analogy - she pokes the bear repeatedly with her sharp tongue until the bear erupts - then bad bear.

Last night and today, again thanks to all of you and my other resource I took a giant step. Our children (ages 24 to 30) joined me and we had a mini-intervention - just her family. My daughter seemed to touch her heart a little. The children supported me with loving support and concern for her and we let her know that for her own safety and that of her grandchildren and all citizens we were going to install an Alcohol Safety Interlock on her car. I choose the "Smart Start". It went well until today when I took her car to have the interlock installed as 'promised' and threatened so many times. It costs a lot, but it is a lot less than the first lawyers fee should she get into an accident (God forbid an innocent being hurt or worse)

Needless to say she has not responded well, but I suppose that is to be expected. The attempt at 'bullying' me really escalated, but I held firm and am actually a little proud of myself. My sweetheart has spent all day locked in our room crying, I have allowed her that privacy until I finish this post. I do not believe it would be helpful to let her force me from my bed because she is angry. I have a CPAP machine and need it to sleep well,so I have to go in anyway now (it's almost 2am and sleeping on the couch is not working).

HasherHusband

We are not the custodial parents, as I wrote, my son also lives with us and we take care of the children while he is working. There is no aide for men that I have been able to find. My experience in court with my son and his ex clearly show men are not equal. He was in a very abusive relationship with a woman who had no morals and could care less about the children other than using them to get her income from the state and us. The children are 3yrs to 6 yrs in age and his parenting time is Thurs. night through Sunday night - she was quite clear to the court that she needed her weekends free . Interestingly enough she does not drink.

I am not whining about it since I believe there are more women in bad relationships than men and they do need support. Mother's are God's gift to the world, and I truly believe that. But that leaves guys in my position with very little support.
:praying

robina

HH- You are taking some positive action with the car interlock, that is good. You are also talking to a lawyer. Great! I would suggest that you start documenting everything - dates, times, you can even take photos/video is necessary. Since she is living under your roof, you have the right to do this. Trust me, this type of evidence is very powerful in a court of law! I would also suggest that the next time she ends up in the drunk tank that you leave her there. Bailing her out was just enabling her disease.

I got a lot of help from attending alanon meetings. The disease of alcoholism tends to make it difficult for loved ones and caregivers to think clearly, and al-anon gave me my peace of mind, sanity and serenity back so I could do what I needed to do.

Finally, have you ever considered how your actions have enabled her to continue drinking in relative comfort? What motivation does she have to stop?