Need Advice on Contacting Son
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
Need Advice on Contacting Son
Its been three weeks since my son ran away from rehab and got locked up. I know that he will most likely be in until after Christmas and at that point should be sent either back to rehab or jail. I have only spoken with him once. He had assumed that i'd be running up there to visit and when he found out i wasnt and needed time away from him of couse he was a bit manipulative and abusive. you know, "i dont even have a mom anymore," "where am i supposed to live when i get out" blah blah blah.
He has already missed thanksgiving - apparently his dad (who just got out of jail for DUIs) visited him that day. His dad (who i dont really listen to cause he's an addict himself) thinks i should visit. Of course he admits that my son is still very angry with me - i didnt expect any different.
So my question, I got some cards from an online site that are for people in jail. His 16th birthday is next week and then comes Christmas.
One of the general cards i got just says "I still love you in spite of everything." I wrote a note to put into it that in summary says i love him and always will. That it is time to let him deal with his decisions on his own. I am accepting the fact that i cannot do anything to change him and i'm not going to fight for him anymore. I will be there for him but only if he is making an effort and wants change in his life. And again ended by telling him that i love him.
So - should i send, should i sit back and keep no contact? I dont want to get sucked in again but this is my boy who is about to turn 16 in jail for the holidays and my heart aches for him. I miss him and love him but i dont want to take a step back. It just breaks my heart that any child would be sitting in jail on such a special birthday or the holidays.
He has already missed thanksgiving - apparently his dad (who just got out of jail for DUIs) visited him that day. His dad (who i dont really listen to cause he's an addict himself) thinks i should visit. Of course he admits that my son is still very angry with me - i didnt expect any different.
So my question, I got some cards from an online site that are for people in jail. His 16th birthday is next week and then comes Christmas.
One of the general cards i got just says "I still love you in spite of everything." I wrote a note to put into it that in summary says i love him and always will. That it is time to let him deal with his decisions on his own. I am accepting the fact that i cannot do anything to change him and i'm not going to fight for him anymore. I will be there for him but only if he is making an effort and wants change in his life. And again ended by telling him that i love him.
So - should i send, should i sit back and keep no contact? I dont want to get sucked in again but this is my boy who is about to turn 16 in jail for the holidays and my heart aches for him. I miss him and love him but i dont want to take a step back. It just breaks my heart that any child would be sitting in jail on such a special birthday or the holidays.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
Winnie I dont know much about the addict situation with a son but I imagine that its pretty much the same.
Two things grabbed me. In my opinion I would sit on the card for a few days. Maybe then when you have had some time to think about it you will feel like just putting in the card no matter what I still am your mother and I still love you. I wrote out a 2 page letter to my ex about the kids and holidays and feelings and really got into it. I should have held onto it for a couple of days because I would have realized that those words meant nothing. All of that thought that I had put into and the reasoning behind my actions were seriously a waste of time. To the point. I love you. That is what I would say...
Secondly I would continue the no contact. I dont and it just keeps sending me in a tail spin. If he is still really angry at you whats the point of contact. So your feelings end up hurt? It breaks your heart that he is sitting in jail I understand what mother wouldnt feel that way especially around the holidays but can I ask that you turn it around and ask yourself........Is it breaking his heart that he is sitting in jail for the holidays? Enough to cause him at his young age to want to change his ways and claim his life back? I dunno when I was 16 I would have been devestated to be in jail on CHRISTMAS.
Just some thoughts.......
Two things grabbed me. In my opinion I would sit on the card for a few days. Maybe then when you have had some time to think about it you will feel like just putting in the card no matter what I still am your mother and I still love you. I wrote out a 2 page letter to my ex about the kids and holidays and feelings and really got into it. I should have held onto it for a couple of days because I would have realized that those words meant nothing. All of that thought that I had put into and the reasoning behind my actions were seriously a waste of time. To the point. I love you. That is what I would say...
Secondly I would continue the no contact. I dont and it just keeps sending me in a tail spin. If he is still really angry at you whats the point of contact. So your feelings end up hurt? It breaks your heart that he is sitting in jail I understand what mother wouldnt feel that way especially around the holidays but can I ask that you turn it around and ask yourself........Is it breaking his heart that he is sitting in jail for the holidays? Enough to cause him at his young age to want to change his ways and claim his life back? I dunno when I was 16 I would have been devestated to be in jail on CHRISTMAS.
Just some thoughts.......
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in my own world~
Posts: 1,237
Winnie, I. personally, don't think theres anything wrong with sending him the card. You said what you wanted to in it and thats enough to let him know your thinking of him on his day and what your limits are....He is your son, is serving time, and theres nothing wrong with a card from mom....Smiles, Bonnie
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
3.5 years ago, my youngest son got in trouble. Again. You see, for some stupid reason, he felt the need to be part of a group of boys who stole things out of people's cars.
At 17 he was caught and spent a year in prison for it. I dont' have to go into the detail of the miserable suffering I went through with a child in prison. I was a living dead person. I hated life and feared for him every single day.
He gets out, and 3 months later is back in for the same thing. Here goes the suffering mother, ever fearful for him every day.
He spend 5 long years in jail. I felt like I did too.
Well, he finally gets out. Finds a very nice girlfriend. Gets pregnant three months later. I help him get a nice little rental house near me. I pay the deposits for him. I help him with groceries and bills.
Lives well for 9 months.
Something clicks in him and he does this again. He goes out with the same freaking idiot that he has gotten into trouble with all other times. He gets caught and goes back to jail. Not only that, but his brother goes with him! ALL MY CHILDREN WERE IN PRISON. Can you imagine my misery? My pain?
(the older one gets out 9 months later. He'd never been in that kind of trouble before and has since done quite well.)
Ok, his gf is living in the little house down the street with no job. She is suddenly homeless! The suddenness of his departure from her sent her into a mental breakdown. She moves in with her father and lives there for a while. He's a hateful control freak.
Baby's born. I move them in with me to get her out of that horrible home and help gf get a job etc. We all live pretty good while he's in jail.
Let me tell you though, that right after he went into jail the third time, he sent me the most horrible letter imaginable, blaming me for everything! Can you believe it?
I wrote him back, and told him I was sorry he felt that way. All I ever wanted to do is help my dysfunctional children. I love them you see and only want the best for them.
This letter hurt me to my absolute core.
I immediately stopped all contact with him. I did not send one single penny of money like I had done the last times he was in jail. I let go of him and let him suffer through his own misery that he created for himself. It was like I finally got off the sinking ship that he was captain of. He sank, I swam for shore.
He spent another 3.5 behind bars this time. You know, I feel like I don't even know my own child because he's been in jail all his adult life for something so stupid.
Get this: he's not an addict or an alcoholic. He's addicted to the rush of doing something wrong and getting away with it. It's just that he doesn't get away with it!
He got out in August. It was amazing. He apologized to me, and has grown up a lot.
Thankfully he has a good little family that waited on him.
I learned that by letting go of him, he could wade through his own pain and make his way out of it. He could see that I loved him and cared very much for him. I think he was angry at himself and lashed out at me with that awful letter. So be it. I won't take abuse like that, not even from my own child.
I can only hope that this is the last time. Things are going good this time. We'll see.
So, dont' cater to your son. Let him fall all the way down all by himself. That's when they finally see clearly just how fortunate they really were to have such a great mom.
Hang in there. It's hard, and it's sad as hell, but it's necessary.
At 17 he was caught and spent a year in prison for it. I dont' have to go into the detail of the miserable suffering I went through with a child in prison. I was a living dead person. I hated life and feared for him every single day.
He gets out, and 3 months later is back in for the same thing. Here goes the suffering mother, ever fearful for him every day.
He spend 5 long years in jail. I felt like I did too.
Well, he finally gets out. Finds a very nice girlfriend. Gets pregnant three months later. I help him get a nice little rental house near me. I pay the deposits for him. I help him with groceries and bills.
Lives well for 9 months.
Something clicks in him and he does this again. He goes out with the same freaking idiot that he has gotten into trouble with all other times. He gets caught and goes back to jail. Not only that, but his brother goes with him! ALL MY CHILDREN WERE IN PRISON. Can you imagine my misery? My pain?
(the older one gets out 9 months later. He'd never been in that kind of trouble before and has since done quite well.)
Ok, his gf is living in the little house down the street with no job. She is suddenly homeless! The suddenness of his departure from her sent her into a mental breakdown. She moves in with her father and lives there for a while. He's a hateful control freak.
Baby's born. I move them in with me to get her out of that horrible home and help gf get a job etc. We all live pretty good while he's in jail.
Let me tell you though, that right after he went into jail the third time, he sent me the most horrible letter imaginable, blaming me for everything! Can you believe it?
I wrote him back, and told him I was sorry he felt that way. All I ever wanted to do is help my dysfunctional children. I love them you see and only want the best for them.
This letter hurt me to my absolute core.
I immediately stopped all contact with him. I did not send one single penny of money like I had done the last times he was in jail. I let go of him and let him suffer through his own misery that he created for himself. It was like I finally got off the sinking ship that he was captain of. He sank, I swam for shore.
He spent another 3.5 behind bars this time. You know, I feel like I don't even know my own child because he's been in jail all his adult life for something so stupid.
Get this: he's not an addict or an alcoholic. He's addicted to the rush of doing something wrong and getting away with it. It's just that he doesn't get away with it!
He got out in August. It was amazing. He apologized to me, and has grown up a lot.
Thankfully he has a good little family that waited on him.
I learned that by letting go of him, he could wade through his own pain and make his way out of it. He could see that I loved him and cared very much for him. I think he was angry at himself and lashed out at me with that awful letter. So be it. I won't take abuse like that, not even from my own child.
I can only hope that this is the last time. Things are going good this time. We'll see.
So, dont' cater to your son. Let him fall all the way down all by himself. That's when they finally see clearly just how fortunate they really were to have such a great mom.
Hang in there. It's hard, and it's sad as hell, but it's necessary.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Winnie,
I am sorry that you have to feel that pain- it must be intolerable. I have a 16 yr old boy- I don't know what that must be like.
Any mother would need/want to send that card. I don't know what the right advice would be.
I don't think telling someone (especially your child) that you love them is a bad thing. But that would be the extent of it.... he needs to truely suffer, in order to stop this pattern, I don't know why jail hasn't woke him up.
It is such a shame...
I wish I had better answers for you....
Take care,
Cessy
I am sorry that you have to feel that pain- it must be intolerable. I have a 16 yr old boy- I don't know what that must be like.
Any mother would need/want to send that card. I don't know what the right advice would be.
I don't think telling someone (especially your child) that you love them is a bad thing. But that would be the extent of it.... he needs to truely suffer, in order to stop this pattern, I don't know why jail hasn't woke him up.
It is such a shame...
I wish I had better answers for you....
Take care,
Cessy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Winnie)))
I see nothing wrong with sending the card. Most people know about my story...my dad would come find me, out on the streets, take me to lunch, let me know he loved, me, then drop me back off and drive back home. Sometimes we argued, because he just couldn't understand why I chose that lifestyle, but he most definitely didn't enable me.
He asked me, later, if it meant anything to me. It did. I couldn't show it, at the time, as I was deep into my addiction, but I am grateful to him. He DID let me fall, all the way down, but he still let me know that he loved me, and for an addict who felt pretty worthless about herself, it meant a lot to know that my dad still loved me.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I see nothing wrong with sending the card. Most people know about my story...my dad would come find me, out on the streets, take me to lunch, let me know he loved, me, then drop me back off and drive back home. Sometimes we argued, because he just couldn't understand why I chose that lifestyle, but he most definitely didn't enable me.
He asked me, later, if it meant anything to me. It did. I couldn't show it, at the time, as I was deep into my addiction, but I am grateful to him. He DID let me fall, all the way down, but he still let me know that he loved me, and for an addict who felt pretty worthless about herself, it meant a lot to know that my dad still loved me.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
((((Winnie))))
I think you should do whatever feels comfortable for you. If that is just sending the card, great - if you want to say more, or even visit...if it works for you, go for it. I found that as long as I acted in a way I felt comfortable and in a way that was not to manipulate or control, and I had no expectations, then it worked for me. I've found there is no formula...we each have a little different journey. That's part of why I love reading here. The shared expereineces are so beneficial.
I think you should do whatever feels comfortable for you. If that is just sending the card, great - if you want to say more, or even visit...if it works for you, go for it. I found that as long as I acted in a way I felt comfortable and in a way that was not to manipulate or control, and I had no expectations, then it worked for me. I've found there is no formula...we each have a little different journey. That's part of why I love reading here. The shared expereineces are so beneficial.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Orange County, NY
Posts: 116
Winnie, I know where you are coming from. My son was in rehab for his birthday, and I was upset about it. I was planning on him some small things to open, but the counselor said NO GIFTS, just a card. It was hard not having him here for thanksgiving and I do not know where Christmas will lead us.
About the card, I'd send it, and say what you need to say. I think no matter what, every addict needs to know that someone loves them and will be there for them when they decide to straighten out.
Where did you find those cards?
About the card, I'd send it, and say what you need to say. I think no matter what, every addict needs to know that someone loves them and will be there for them when they decide to straighten out.
Where did you find those cards?
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
My words to my son (which were said often) were sometimes just this, said with love:
I love you so much, you're so smart and I know you're going to find your way.
Mom hugs
I love you so much, you're so smart and I know you're going to find your way.
Mom hugs
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Your son is so young.
I never gave up on my son. When they are addicts and young they need help.
Sometimes though, we have to detach for awhile because it is better for both.
While I don't enable or let myself be taken advantage of, I do have unconditional love for my son. That just comes with being a parent for me.
I think it is a fine idea to tell him what is in your heart and on your mind.
We never know what the future holds. Change does come.
Keep the faith mom.
I never gave up on my son. When they are addicts and young they need help.
Sometimes though, we have to detach for awhile because it is better for both.
While I don't enable or let myself be taken advantage of, I do have unconditional love for my son. That just comes with being a parent for me.
I think it is a fine idea to tell him what is in your heart and on your mind.
We never know what the future holds. Change does come.
Keep the faith mom.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
I don't think its ever bad to let our kids know we love them, and continue to love them regardless of where life takes them.
When we started down this path, my son was in his late teens and I told him often. At first I thought it would bring about change, but as time went by it was more for me. "I" needed him to know that I loved him.
Today, I "know" he knows and it allows me to step back when necessary.
Do what "you" need to do for today.
(((Hugs)))
When we started down this path, my son was in his late teens and I told him often. At first I thought it would bring about change, but as time went by it was more for me. "I" needed him to know that I loved him.
Today, I "know" he knows and it allows me to step back when necessary.
Do what "you" need to do for today.
(((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 287
Winnie, my was wasn't here for Thanksgiving, and he won't be here for his Birthday either "(which is Dec. 25th). I miss him.
Send the card. You may not know what affect it has ( if any) for years, but how could he not want to know that there's is life out there for him.
Prayers for you and your son.
Send the card. You may not know what affect it has ( if any) for years, but how could he not want to know that there's is life out there for him.
Prayers for you and your son.
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 163
If you feel okay sending the card, I would send it. Telling him "I love you" won't make him sicker. Telling your child that you still love him isn't enabling him. You don't have to give him money, or bail him out, or cover for him, just because you sent him a card.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
((Winnie))
Both of my sons have been in jail. The oldest one had a revolving door constructed for him to make it easier to go in and out. He's been in prison 3 times.
The first time, I sent envelopes and money for his books, accepted collect phone calls, wrote to him, and sent care packages.
The second time, I sent envelopes, paper, and bought him tennis shoes online.
The third time, I said he could write to me, nothing more.
If he goes again, I will have NO contact with him.
The youngest son was in jail for 3 months and has never gone back. (fingers crossed.)
BOTH of my sons know I love them, as does yours.
To send a card to reinforce the love you feel can only be a good thing.
Hugs................
Both of my sons have been in jail. The oldest one had a revolving door constructed for him to make it easier to go in and out. He's been in prison 3 times.
The first time, I sent envelopes and money for his books, accepted collect phone calls, wrote to him, and sent care packages.
The second time, I sent envelopes, paper, and bought him tennis shoes online.
The third time, I said he could write to me, nothing more.
If he goes again, I will have NO contact with him.
The youngest son was in jail for 3 months and has never gone back. (fingers crossed.)
BOTH of my sons know I love them, as does yours.
To send a card to reinforce the love you feel can only be a good thing.
Hugs................
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